There are a million things I want to write about right now.  So much is going on, it is hard to narrow down where to begin. But I want to focus on the Pentecost and what it has come to mean to me. This past Sunday was Pentecost Sunday, and the first time I have observed it.  It was amazing to be a witness at a church that recognized the Pentecost at a time I really wanted to talk about it in worship.  Not for show or made up charisma, we stayed Wilshire, as we should!  But dressing in red and acknowledging something out of the ordinary happened to the apostles, and the Holy Spirit was very much involved, and we believe it can happen again and is happening again, was a soul-filling experience for me.

I was completely unfamiliar with the Pentecost until I went through my dark night and started listening to and reading everything I could. It became evident I was drawn to Pentecostals – in particular Jonathan Martin, Brian Zahnd, Carlos Rodriguez, Cheryl Bridges Johns, and Reverend Barber.  I actually did not know Reverend Barber was Pentecostal until I went to the InterFaith Shabbat with Wilshire at Temple Emanu-El.  (Interfaith is also a new passion of mine, but that is a separate post).  When Reverend Barber shared that he was Pentecostal, my thought was: “Of course you are!  That is why I found you.”

I was drawn to the Pentecostal preachers because the Holy Spirit was the piece of the puzzle I did not understand regarding my faith.  I will not say I understand the Holy Spirit now, but listening to Pentecostals has allowed me to glimpse the Spirit’s work a lot more often now.  The Holy Spirit breathed life back into me when I was done.  I wanted to throw in the towel because everything seemed too much, but I wanted to know what was going on.  Carlos Rodriguez explained Psalms 23:2 in a whole new way for me, ” He causes me to lie down in pastures of green grass; he guides me beside quiet waters.” He said if you are tired get some rest.  God may be having you lie down and be quiet for a time.  So I did.  And now I will never be the same.

During my time of rest I listened, and I was reminded that we can learn from each other.  Christine Caine said this, “No one stream of the church is strong in all areas.  This is precisely why we need each other.  If we would only humble ourselves enough to learn from one another we would move forward in strength, instead of continuing to circle the same old mountains.  We are better together.”  This is exactly what I found when I started listening to all faiths, people not of faith, people of color, LGBTQ, women, men, etc.  When I was ready to get up from my rest, I felt a new energy, and a new kind of love for the world.  Despite all the horrible things that are happening, I have experienced and seen something better and I can’t give up on it.  The Holy Spirit is here again-let us not miss what is happening.

Chris Green, Associate Professor of Theology at Pentecostal Seminary, had an amazing video I listened to a while back describing the Pentecostal movement.  Here are somethings I jotted down after listening: Pentecostals identified early on as a movement to live with a Living God always on the move.  God is nomadic, restless–Look where the church is restless, that is where God is at work.  But once you take pride in a movement, it is no longer a movement, it is a monument.  Remembering the way we used to live, but not living the way we used to live.  Triggered by nostalgia instead of being triggered by hope is a dead give away a movement is now a monument.  The mark of a living God, he surprises us.  An idol will never surprise us.  God is faithful, but not predictable.

I love all of this.  I honestly think a Pentecostal movement is needed in every church, but with caution.  When I started learning more about the Pentecostal movement, I heard the crazy side of it too.  We all have some recovering to do and anything good can be misused by an immature person.  The gospel is misused all the time.  But waking the movement of the Holy Spirit is a gift from the Pentecostals that I am so grateful for.

I am quoting a lot of people today because this is not my heritage.  I am going to use the wisdom of those in the Pentecostal movement who can help teach us.  This quote by Cheryl Bridges Johns is a good quote to wrap this post up.  “I fear people desire the power of Pentecost as an added boost of charisma or an expansion of influence.  Pentecost is the power to suffer much, love beyond measure, and bear the world’s burdens.”

Much of the Christian religion has largely become “holding on” instead of letting go. But God, it seems to me, does the holding on (to us!), and we must learn the letting go (of everything else).  Richard Rohr 

It is plain as day now, women have been abused in church.  The SBC (Southern Baptist Convention) is revealing a very large problem that is not isolated to them.  “Wives submit to your husbands” is a verse that has been controversial ever since I can remember.  It has been misused to the detriment of women.  We made a gender hierarchy, and we are still holding on to it even though the fruit of this theology has not been good fruit.  “Wives submit to your husbands” is often preceded and proceeded by “Slaves obey your master” – we have said one is cultural and the other is universal.  I am calling it what it is “Slave holding theology”.  Jesus never embodied the theology that women were to be controlled by men, or be second class to men.

SBC and several other Baptist organizations will disassociate from LGBT affirming churches, but will maintain silence and financial support from churches with domestic abusers.  Paige Patterson is the latest Pastor who did not stand by women who were abused, and it is disgusting.  Nothing was done initially by the SBC or Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary, where he resides as President, when he had counseled a woman to go back to her abusive husband and bring him to Christ.  When she returned to church with two black eyes, Paige Patterson was happy because her husband came to church and they were going to make amends.  He also made creepy remarks about a 16 year old girl.  He has finally been removed because enough women wrote letters complaining, and it was revealed he encouraged a woman not to report rape to the police and to forgive her assailant!  They had to do something. It took them 13 hours and they still awarded him Emeritus Status and Housing for Life! The good ole’ boy system were still singing his praises despite the abusive comments and counsel. They thought they could pray enough discipline into him.  Just like our thoughts and prayers after every tragedy.  ENOUGH!

Update: Paige Patterson finally lost all of his post removal benefits, but this is a reckoning that the SBC and Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary took way too long on. And they did it too begrudgingly. This is why our gender roles don’t work! It’s sexist and not safe for women. There is NO getting around it – even with the best intentions. It creates hierarchy and power. That’s the fruit. Women can be called and have always been called. It’s in the Bible.

The church has hung on too long to their patriarchal ideas.  Misogyny, racism, LGBTQ bigotry, greed, etc are some of the horrid symptoms coming from this toxic structure.  Our theology affects human lives.  That is why Jesus said the top 2 commandments are Love God and Love People- Mark 12:30-31.  If there is no life coming from what we are doing, then the Spirit is saying no!  We are to keep in step with the Spirit (Paul said that! Galations 5 – Considering so many use Paul as the justification for this mess).  Jesus promised the Spirit would live in us– the Spirit of Truth–John 14.  The truth is the White Evangelical Church is under judgement.  What really concerns me is how many people are not paying attention, or they are- but even now will not budge on tradition.  Tradition, in the sense we use the word, keeps people comfortable and in the pews.  Our churches do not like to lose people and their money. When something new has been revealed that most likely won’t be accepted initially, we play it safe versus preaching fire.  While we need to be civil and listen to different perspectives, there is such thing as truth.  We cannot agree to disagree on Racism, misogyny, LGBTQ abuse, greed, etc.  The revolution is bold and tender.  In the words of Brene Brown, “Speak truth to bullshit….but be civil”.

I hear more outcry from the white church over not standing for the flag and guns.  Today I read the NFL will fine teams if they don’t stand.  (Peaceful protests are not even allowed for people of color!).  People are dying.  Racism is rampant,  Misogyny is everywhere.  But yes, lets make guns (that are killing children and our police, black lives and many others) and not standing for the flag our outcry.  Our President is calling people animals and not a hint of worry that is how dehumanization happens. It is wrong headed on every level.  We support the powerful over the victims.  I am tired of hearing “it takes time” or “Hang in there” – that is the language of the privileged.  We tell people progress has happened so people will just be content.  If we really want biblical tradition, then we move forward.  We do not cling to what isn’t anymore.  And we certainly cry for justice.  They did not stay with old ways and old ideas that no longer worked.  They protested! The Bible is full of civil disobedience.  The Bible is a minority report.  These were people with the Empire on their necks.  Jesus was killed by the church and state.  What we are doing has been done before.  Learn our history!

I want to address Paul another time.  But he is recognized as an apostle even though he never met Jesus.  Mary Magdalene did meet Jesus.  She walked closely with him, and was chosen to proclaim his resurrection.  She is an apostle too.

For the Love – Love God and Love People.  Keep in step with the Spirit.  Love is on the bottom.  Stop holding on to what you cannot hold onto anymore.  Let go.

You have to lose your life to gain it.  Mathew 16:25  I can testify to this!

This is my last week at Richardson East Church of Christ (now named CARE Church).  We have attended church here since 2004, and I have worked for the school as the bookkeeper since 2007.  Both of our children were born with Richardson East as their church home, and they attended CARE Child Development Center as Infants all the way through Kindergarten.  Everything about this church is in our blood.  We leave with heavy hearts but joy for what is to come.  In the words of Jonathan Martin (I know people are shocked I am quoting him!), “There’s no space in you for ache if you haven’t experienced something profound; to experience loss is only evidence you’ve experienced real beauty.  I have only gratitude for my time here.”

Jonathan is currently moving on from where he is as well, actually moving cities. Attending Richardson East so long, and working here also, feels like my whole world is changing.  That little dash 2004-2018 had a lot of living and loving in it.  Several things Jonathan said hit the heart of where I am and what I am doing.  It inspired me to write this note today, before it becomes real on Thursday.

“There was a lot of hard growing up.  What do you do now, with the new person you’ve become?”

“Sometimes all you hear is “go”, and the only thing you know is you can’t stay where you’ve been.”

Jonathan asks do you want to sing a little gospel, or raise a little hell – my answer is yes to both!  He also mentions wanting to erase the line between sacred and secular.  Yes, I am here for that too!  I don’t know what that looks like yet, but I have landed at a place that wants to help me explore what this means.

Richardson East was a love story for our family. Love can hurt at times, because inevitably when you love-you will experience loss.  I really don’t think we can know joy without knowing grief too.

The journey always moves forward. We cannot cling to old ways, ideas, or even people. Receiving the table that once belonged to the Burson family who passed away far too soon, felt like a blessing for our journey.  This table is a death and resurrection story.  The Table also reminds us there is room for everyone.  I never imagined a table like this for our family.  God is in the business of surprising us beyond our imagination.

I can’t wait to explore new opportunities.  The Jesus story is wild and free.  It is not bound by our rules.  We are free.  We don’t have to worry so much about not getting it right – worry about not living and causing others to not live. We have so much anxiety because we don’t believe God is really that good and inclusive.  I want to be a part of the journey that tells a different story. Every voice is included, cherished and important to the story.  Life is not all about us, but we are about life.  Who we are plays into the flow of life, creating the world we live in.  Theology matters.

Onward!  Here are some pictures of the beautiful journey we have been on with Richardson East and CARE Child Development Center.

When Mark asked me if I wanted to contribute to the Wilshire blog last week, I felt so honored.  There is something about someone noticing you and asking if you would like to participate.  I would like to share our journey over the past two years and how we have found life at Wilshire.

I have always shared pieces of my life on Facebook. It helped me see the good that was happening every day, and I would write about it. My statuses were not meant to convey a perfect life but a life that could find the positive in everything.  This all sounds good on the surface, and it isn’t inherently bad, but I thought my positive outlook was a Spiritual Gift.  Then one day about two years ago our world fell apart. Some things happened in our life, and I did not feel great anymore. I could no longer give anyone anything but my anger and my tears.  What I had spent my heart and soul to help create was crumbling in the most horrible way. The political environment of our nation crushed me too. When I started speaking up on the injustice of what was happening in my life and the political realm, a friend asked me why I was doing this – why can’t I just be positive?  There it is.  Many of us Christians are afraid to feel anything other than positivity.

I experienced a very dark night. I withdrew from everything that once gave me joy. But I found voices through Twitter that started walking me through this season. Jonathan Martin and Richard Rohr were two that really spoke to my soul. Richard Rohr is a Franciscan Catholic (a mystic), and Jonathan Martin is a self-proclaimed “Hillbilly Pentecostal Pastor.” Jonathan writes the most beautiful words.  His book, “How to Survive a Shipwreck,” restored my weary soul. Even through my tears, when he would start a Twitter sermon I found myself wanting to stand on my hands or run laps. These were life-giving words of an embodied faith. His words could be put to music. I knew right then I must join a Baptist church. Ha Ha! Actually, no.  But the fact that I did is why I love the Holy Spirit.

I discovered in my suffering that the Holy Spirit was in the storm and that is life I have never known before. We serve a living God that loves to surprise us. Somehow knowing that, my fear just disappeared. I did not just survive, I was made new. I am not afraid to feel all the feelings. I love looking for God everywhere, but I will name what is not of the Kingdom too. We cannot hold onto things of this world, and we cannot control death. Now I feel free to participate in the Kingdom and help create a new world. We have always been invited to create. That is the story since the beginning of time.

Our journey to find Wilshire was slow. Finding all of these great pastors and authors on Twitter was great, but I needed people in the flesh and blood that would let me live this new life I had found. We tried over the years to check out other churches that might provide more opportunity for women and LGBT. I could no longer handle us deciding who gets to sit at the Table and who gets to speak. That was a taxing journey. But for my 40th birthday in October, my mom gave me tickets to “Moxie Matters” with Jen Hatmaker and Nichole Nordemon. Two churches were represented at this event and both were full inclusion. I could not believe what I was hearing. I saw the name Wilshire Baptist Church in the program, and I was astounded to hear a Baptist church affirm what Mark was saying (Mark, again, I think we might be best friends. Ha!).  I felt the Holy Spirit strongly revealing to me that I could go to this church and belong. When my family and I showed up at the end of November, I feel like I busted in the doors of Wilshire saying, “Here I am. I know you don’t know me, but I have been looking for you for two years.”

Since being at Wilshire I have heard things like “Have you considered ministry?” “Thank you for trusting me with your heart.” “I am proud of you.” “I love hearing your thoughts. You are free now.” I mean, seriously! I weep every time I think about it – in a good way. Knowing how loved I am because the love of Christ has been embodied by humans, I want to go out into this world that is hurting so much and invite them into this story. I am actively trying to notice people and help them see how their gifts help bring in the Kingdom now. Come as you are.

Yes, my dear friend, whatever frustrates you the most, you were probably born to change.

Carlos A. Rodriguez

Beth Moore wrote a blog post revealing her experience as a female leader in the conservative evangelical world https://blog.lproof.org/2018/05/a-letter-to-my-brothers.html This was a bold move, and one we have needed as we are seeing atrocities occurring in the name of the “gospel” to women. See this article: https://www.baptiststandard.com/opinion/voices/paige-patterson-abuse-comments-dangerous/#.WupYESh5zfc.facebook

I want to also address LBGT.  They are being abused in churches as well. If you don’t believe me, check out their homeless and suicide rate.  I shared an apology by Thabiti Anyabwile, who works for The Gospel Coalition, shortly after sharing Beth’s letter.  The apology was beautiful and well stated.  It reveals how systems guide our thinking without us being aware we are complicit in abuse.  But was the apology too soon?  We need more time to linger on Beth’s letter and reflect on the systems many of us participate in that create hierarchies.  We bury our head in the sand and are not aware the Spirit has moved on.  I also later found out Thabiti Anyabwile has made the comment same sex couples should make Christians gag.

Learning he said that devastated me last night.  He needs to apologize for that comment too.  Affirming or not affirming, a christian should not speak like that of fellow humans created in the image of God.  News Flash: All of us are created in the image of God.  I thought about deleting that post on my FaceBook page, and I will if any of my LGBT friends want me to after reading why I have not at this point.  The main reason is because that apology addressed our ignorance to systems (power and principality) that guide us versus the Spirit.  He may be embarrassed he said it.  I hope so.  But reality is many of us have said things in our past we would not say today.  Asking for forgiveness allows us to celebrate our growth as humans.

I love writing.  I also love looking back at my posts on “On This Day” on FaceBook.  There is a lot that I am like – “Wow! I would not say that now.” “Or wasn’t I cute”.  I have found writing to be so important for my growth. I have noticed each year my Martin Luther King posts get a little more serious.  Last year it sent me to an actual King Sit In.  That is a post that is coming up too.

Now I want to address my own experience in the conservative religious world. The SBC (Southern Baptist Convention) TGC (The Gospel Coalition) and other conservative Religious Organizations are facing fire for blatant racism, misogyny, homophobia, etc. I did not grow up evangelical, but I did grow up conservative.  My first encounter with how the church treats women was when I went on a mission trip with the youth group.  I was on fire after that trip.  I was so excited we were going to get to talk to the church about our experience.  I went forward with the group ready to speak, but they only allowed the boys to speak. I felt so powerless and worthless at that moment.  Why did only the boys experience matter?  I was so angry.  I went home and told my parents I will never be Church of Christ when I leave home.  That did not hold true, but I did find ones that let us speak.  Seriously – what we settle for!  I even heard the other Church of Christ in town, who had the OU Women’s basketball coach as part of their church, would say service is over just so she could stand up and speak.  Ludicrous!

I could never imagine ministry.  I am glad Beth addressed that in her post because it is so true.  I could have gone to seminary, but for what?!  What would I do with it?  No one would hire a woman unless it was working with children.  That is an honorable job and I love the women who work with children, and I love the male we had a couple of years ago in our previous church who worked with children.  I just don’t feel called to work with children as a profession.  And wouldn’t it be nice if we could actually choose our path?  I find it interesting working with children is imagined as feminine – look at our elementary schools, it is almost all women.  Blake wonders where are the men.  I wish it was a mix.  What we are doing in our churches plays out in life. I also had a friend who recently was passed over for a minister position in the church because she was female. They didn’t want her working that closely with a male pastor. This is the damage from the “Billy Graham, Mike Pence” rule. Nothing God ordained about that decision.

What has frustrated me through all of this is our lack of connecting the dots.  Gender inequality, Racism, homophobia, xenophobia, etc, we are not connecting our lack of addressing these serious issues as hurting the witness of the church. We also are not connecting these issues are arising because they are embedded in the system.  The Spirit is not having it anymore.  The Table is open to all who hunger and thirst.  Now that I go to a church that is “open to all and closed to none” I am experiencing a whole new story.  This is a story I can tell.  Women are free to be whatever they want to be.  LBGT is welcome and can serve in any capacity.  And the fruit of all of this has been good.  The Spirit is in this movement.

Perfect love casts out fear.  1 John 4:18 I am hearing of churches that are still using fear as a tactic.  Conferences telling people families are dying, fertilities rates are down.  When I was in college, I went to a Christian church that put on a video to have us listen to a baby’s heartbeat.  Here is the thing, I am prolife, but that was straight up propaganda.  I agree we need to address abortion, and we do so with comprehensive sex education including access to contraceptions, good healthcare for women, livable wages, policy that supports women’s rights, equality of education for all regardless of neighborhood, etc.  But those who are solely concerned about abortion don’t seem to want any of these things.  That is interesting.  So abortion and LBGT being the 2 major focuses of the religious right tells me they are saying women and LGBT are the problem, men have nothing to work on.  Jerry Falwell Sr. said 9/11 happened because of abortions.  How insane do you have to be to get to that conclusion?  You have to be tied up in power to do that–that is how.  Our white evangelical church is tied up in political power and it is abusing people.  The Kingdom of God is not going to be brought in through our government.  But we speak prophetic truth to power!  If your church is advocating fear and inequality of christians #emptythepews.  (Also if guns and our flag seem more important than human lives- NRA convention in Dallas today). The Spirit isn’t there.

I am no longer going to be silent.  People can try to bury their head in the sand, but we are organizing.  Reverend Barber discovered help isn’t going to come from Christians alone.  Many of them have politicians to thank for their new parking lot.  Meeting people of other faiths, other sexualities, etc has been the greatest gift 2017 and 2108 has given me.  I love how the Spirit is moving to inclusion for all.  The Kingdom of God is diverse. We can spread our arms out wide and love like we have never loved before.  Loving everyone has made my life the most amazing life I have ever lived.  I am going to end with some Nichole Nordemon lyrics from “No Longer” on her album Every Mile Mattered

I want to my feel my heart on fire now
And let the safety net burn down
Throw my arms out wide
Let your love collide in me
I want to run with my heart on my shirt
Straight into the wind, maybe get hurt
I thought living safe meant living stronger
No longer

Last week I posted on gender roles.  I was really scared to write about this subject because I have immersed myself in this for 3 years, and I was trying to write so much in one blog post.  It was a stretch talking about the picture of the NFL player with his gun and daughter with her prom date to Mary Magdalene.  Even though I still whole heartedly believe it is all related, I took on a monster of a subject in one blog post.  I appreciate the criticism that came as well as my writer friends who liked it and could not think of any other way to organize their thoughts about it either.  So I want to go back to my story for a bit.  I think I have skipped over too much with that post.  I am also thankful to Claire Bracken who keeps pushing me to write even with last weeks post.  🙂  The picture above was on my “On This Day” on FaceBook from 2 years ago.  This is the type of church I was dreaming of and I believe is happening now.

Let me start off by saying, I am uncomfortable writing-but I want to do it.  Something has happened to me and my understanding of life and the Bible that I want to share.  I have found it to be such good news, better than what we have been sharing. But last week I was almost scared off and not because of criticism.  I started struggling with self doubt.  I knew I made a hard post too simple.  It made me all of the sudden feel worthless and asking “Who am I”.  But let me tell you what happened next, I went to SAMs.  If anyone has read my FaceBook posts about SAMs, you know this place has been very spiritual for me.  It really is out of this world.  I will include my FaceBook posts at the end of this post if anyone is interested in reading about it.  As I was checking out, full of negative energy, my Guardian Angel (this is explained in a FB post I will include) left his post and came over to hug me and asked me how the kids were doing.  This never happens and he has never met my kids, so I know 100% he is an Angel.  Then my Muslim Sister, Hala, told me my shirt with the pink flowers on it matched my heart.  I almost cried, but I looked up and saw she had on pink with flowers too.  I told her she was just looking in the mirror to her own heart.  We embraced one another.

I also want to talk about my friend Stephanie who has journeyed this crazy life with me.  When she read my post last week she said that I wrote good things, but maybe you should slow down a bit so people can join you on the journey.  I really appreciate that advice from one who loves me and has been through Hell herself.  Years ago when Stephanie Carroll and I worked at the same church, we would have “Life Giving Talks”.  I put that in quotes because Jeff Hubbard, the Youth Minister at the time, named it for us.  We had read so much about Jesus through various authors and were desiring a better story told in churches.  One that represents Jesus – not our rules because our rules are stuffy and a hindrance to the Spirit.  Jesus was always breaking rules and sending us in a new way.  The White American Church was getting mundane and CONTROLLING – making the rules so people are not creative because we are too scared to get it wrong (Don’t get me started on Partisan Politics.  Nothing wrong with being political, everything wrong with Partisan Politics). Side note: I have to say white church because Black church is not boring – the prophetic witness is strong there.  Maybe not all of them, but many of them are full of Spirit and make you want to “Hallelujah Anyway!”.  They know how to suffer. Jesus is anything but mundane.  I cannot tell you how many people who walk away from church find they cannot let go of Jesus.  I was one of them, and so were the Disciples on the Road to Emmaus. Stephanie and I did not know what to do to fix the system.  Then we suffered and we found pain to be life’s great teacher. (That sentence sounds so simplistic – it is anything but simple).  Also, isn’t it sad we have to say White and Black church?!  Our churches are too segregated.  That is a problem, but one that is hard to overcome when our neighborhoods are segregated.  More on that later though.

I became a mystical christian.  I think I have always been one because I was positive (and still am) the shoe shine guy at CITGO Petroleum was my Guardian Angel also (His name was Frederick).  I just know these things.  So it is no surprise that ministers from the Pentecostal movement on Twitter captured my attention: Jonathan Martin, Brian Zahnd, Cheryl Bridges Johns, Reverend Barber, etc (I can’t wait to write about seeing Reverend Barber in person). Plus the mystical Franciscan Catholic Richard Rohr turned my world upside down.  The Jesus story is a moving story and the Spirit is here.  I would not have found the Spirit without the storm.  Jonathan Martin says the truth is usually stumbled into.  We rarely go through change willingly because no one likes to change- it is uncomfortable, so a painful event is usually what it takes to get us there.  Many other ministers and philosophers say this too.  The Divine happens to us.  I can testify to this.

When my life fell apart at Mutiny and Donald Trump was elected, I knew something was off with humanity –and I was over it. I thought life was safer than this and it is not.  Before this sounds like me blaming others- I am not.  I found my own darkness in this mess too.  I had to find silence and meditation to get there though.  I went from hating everyone and everything to “I love everyone and everything”. Silence and meditation takes are mindset from scarcity to abundance. I decided to reorient myself in this mess and tell a new story.

My life crumbled over multiple years. The first year I thought I had regrouped and moved on, but more was coming and it was awful. That is when it felt like everyone was coming after us. I also could not protect the kids from the pain of what was happening either. Richard Rohr had a book called “Breathing Under Water” that helped me.  He knew everything I was going through.  He said you may feel like you have hit rock bottom, but more will come- you are not there yet.  Jonathan Martin seemed to have a tweet each day that spoke to exactly where I was.  I kept asking him how he knew what was going on. I found out so many were falling apart too.  Jonathan said -Don’t be surprised if the world is falling apart and your life is too.  I am thankful for how accessible Jonathan was via Twitter.  He walked me through this time, along with Nichole Nordemon. Ironically, they were dating and I did not know that at first.  Her music soothed my soul.  But they could not have done that if their life hadn’t fallen apart.  Jonathan wrote a book called, “How to Survive a Shipwreck”.  It is so good!  If you have met me more than a day, you will know about this book.  Nichole wrote a song for the book too called “Hush Hush” and it slays me.  Read this section of the song (actually go listen to it now!):

One cup of water at a time                                                                                                                   ‘Til you remember you are mine                                                                                                       I am the calm, I am the sea                                                                                                                     Your rescue and recovery                                                                                                                  And I am the storm that swallowed you                                                                                           I let you bleed, I thought you knew                                                                                                      And I am the bottom and I am the floor                                                                                           I am the deep you never knew before                                                                                               I let you sink and I let you go                                                                                                                  But I caught you in the undertow                                                                                                       And I am the shore                                                                                                                                    And I am the flame                                                                                                                                           And mercy is my name!

I found love at the bottom, not despair.  When I recovered, I could not return to the world I had been living.  I kept trying to fit back in, but I did not fit there anymore.  I had found a world more open, loving and free than I ever knew before.  No one is excluded.  This line from “Come Alive” from the Greatest Showman “And you know you can’t go back again To the world that you were living in ‘Cause you’re dreaming with your eyes wide open”.  Now the journey to find a new place I could tell this new story in full.

When I finally found Wilshire Baptist Church through the Moxie Matters Tour, it revived my soul.  The very first week I met Pastor Tiffany Wright (A woman Pastor!) and we talked about everything that was weighing on me.  They address it here.  The next week I meet Pastor George Mason and Pastor Heather Mustain and we read all of the same authors.  Heather told me Reverend Barber was going to be at an event over MLK weekend that we were hosting as an InterFaith event.  I could not believe God had delivered me here.  This changed me and busted me wide open. I told George, our very first meeting!, about Jonathan Martin and “How to Survive a Shipwreck”.  He went and read it!!! I could not believe what I said had value with the head male pastor.  This tells me when we think women not getting full inclusion at the Table doesn’t matter or is not noticed is false.  I found freedom like I have never known before and I want everyone to feel this too.  Plus I just ran into this church, not knowing a soul and as a completely different person, and found love and acceptance like I have never known before.  Isn’t it funny when I was falling apart, Wilshire was also going through a painful transition too?!  I am telling you the Spirit is real, here and at work right now!  I can only find hope and joy experiencing the Spirit.

If interested, here is one of the Facebook posts about my experience with SAMs Club:

1/19/2018