Hi all,
While I plan to stay active on WordPress in a different capacity, I’ve created a Substack account to begin the work of promoting my professional work. I hope you’ll follow me there. I’ll provide free and paid content. The paid content will be the interactive work.
I don’t know if this will work or not, but I know I’ve got to try, and I know nothing is ever wasted. Here’s the link to my Substack work.
Something that has been good for my soul being off Twitter (now called X, which is so dumb) is being out of touch with church drama. It took a while for the drama that still surrounds Beth Moore to reach me, and I am not sad about it. It gets old because it is just on constant repeat. It’s a pattern, and I’m not playing anymore. But, when the news did reach me, something stood out to me—her apology.
People came in with all of their takes on if she should have apologized or not. It is true, women in conservative (not just conservative, but it is amplified there) environments apologize for everything, and it is a tactic used by the abuser to get the abused to apologize. So I hear that concern, and I think Beth does over-apologize. But I also think she doesn’t apologize where she should. She has not been a friend to the LGBTQIA+ community. Her apology to their community for something she wrote that was really harsh in one of her books—Rachel Held Evans called her to account for it—was to reissue the book using softer language, even though it was saying the same thing—just nicer.
But y’all, if I could do things over again with Beth Moore knowing what I know now, I would. I would have been a lot more gracious about where she is despite what she was raised in and what formed her. We used to talk and have a great time on Twitter. I will always brag unashamedly about that. I love her. She has been a good church mother to me. I know I love my faith largely due to Beth Moore. She made Bible studies somewhat interesting for women. Back in the day, all the sermons and studies I listened to were aimed at men, and I had to sit through them because only they could speak. Then Beth Moore came along and shook things up a bit, and it changed me. This is when scripture came alive for me. But then I got a little over-zealous because she wasn’t coming around on every issue, and our relationship fizzled out. I have some regrets.
What I did not know or understand is what an extreme cult Beth Moore was a part of. She did not know it either. So the fact she could come out in 2016 and call out Donald Trump is truly remarkable. And y’all, I know my faith was saved once again because she did that. I was looking at the silence of my faith world in horror on the rise of Donald Trump, an unashamed racist and misogynist. When she spoke up, and I had not heard from her in years at this point, my soul rejoiced because there was a conservative who still had integrity and willing to speak out. I will never not be grateful for that.
She and Rachel Held Evans also mended their relationship a little. Beth Moore, even after RHE had called her to account (RHE would say this herself—it wasn’t the most gracious approach)—went and followed RHE on Twitter knowing her world was going to crucify her for it. It was because she was concerned about the attacks RHE was absorbing. Beth understood how hard that was because she had been through it herself—and she’s still absorbing it. She had to follow her in order to reach out and encourage her. And their relationship healed on some level. They were on friendly terms when RHE died.
Maybe Beth hasn’t done all I wish she would do for the LGBTQIA+ community, but she did do this for someone who was doing that work. This was a major risk Beth took, and I did not understand what was on the line for her to do that at the time. Like RHE, I had unreasonable expectations of someone who had been deeply indoctrinated in a hostile world to women, and anyone else who is not a cisgendered, white, able-bodied, straight man. RHE and I were too, but we got out earlier.
So, let’s talk about her apology. While she does not owe the SBC, including the women, an apology, I think what she says here is beautiful. She is owning some things she does need to own, and it is setting her free. Living in a world that will not apologize for anything, I think there is something for us to learn from this. This is her response to Mark Wingfield’s Baptist News article that was shared by someone who monitors SBC abuse.
Beth Moore:
This article was good for me to read for a number of reasons, not the least of which was the closing exhortation. Yes, I hear you. Yes, I needed to hear it. But a couple of things I’d like to say in response:
What I wrote in that post to Southern Baptist women had been on my heart to say for some time. How the fissure began in 2016 was so chaotic and the studies were thrown out of numerous churches so quickly that it has taken me a good deal of time to sort it all out. I may never get it all sorted out but I know the Lord has overseen it all and had purpose. I believe I did what he told me to do and am now where he meant me to be. But, man, it has been brutal.
Those words to southern Baptist women were something like you might say to a friend that you lost in a conflict years earlier after you’ve healed up a bit: “no matter what happened, I want you to know I love you so much and I’m glad for the time we spent together and I’m the better for you being in my life. Thank you.”
You were not wrong, however, to connect the apology in some respects to the Wolfe tweet. Most of the time I can let this stuff roll off my back. I know it does not come from the Spirit because people who walk with Jesus don’t treat people the way Wolfe and his ilk do.
I can easily intellectually tell myself the truth when I see things like that but I’m not sure my skin will ever be thick enough to prevent every arrow from hitting my heart. My apology was not for speaking out. I make no apologies for that and I have not changed my mind or my stand. But in 40 years of teaching, the fact is, all of us owe some apologies to the people we’ve served. We’ve said too many words. Been poor examples at times. We’ve been self-centered and we’ve let our anger dictate some of our messages. Thus much I know: I helped prop up misogyny in the denomination and helped build up trust in some systems and some leaders that were not worthy of our trust though I did not realize that was what I was doing. I do indeed owe some people I’ve served a long time an apology for any harm I brought them. It was never my intention. My desire was to do good. My desire was to be godly.
Lastly, I’d like to say that what men like William do to women is not without effect, which, of course, they know and which, of course, is why they do it. And there is a “they.” Wolfe is just saying publicly what his circle says privately. In an ideal world, we would be unaffected by those kinds of things. But we are humans here. Still breakable. Still well able to be bruised. Still bothered in the dark night by questions like, did I do them harm???
And I have to think that, if the time comes that I cannot still be wounded, my heart has grown hard and I’ll probably need to retire.
So, what to do? Take those things to the Lord and learn from them and ask him to do something good with them.
This is Mark Wingfield’s article.
Yesterday, a friend following my story the best she could via Facebook wanted to know more specifically about what has happened to my family. I am grateful she reached out to ask about our story. With Facebook’s algorithm, even the most loyal followers struggle to keep up because of what goes through their algorithm and when. I also have to remain vague in certain parts of the stories to protect the people involved. This story spans seven years, and bits and pieces of the trauma memories come back in segments as different issues arise in our public life that take me back to these moments. What happened to us personally is also happening on a broader scale. My Facebook writing begins at those moments, not where the story actually begins. For those with no point of reference to understand what happened to me and my family before those moments, I can understand how frustrating it might be to follow my writing. So, let me give the story in as much detail as possible. This will be more than I have ever shared publicly before. I will protect the innocent and work hard not to shame the violators. In writing this story, I aim to help heal our fractured society that is eating us all alive. After years of reflection, I have ideas that can work toward our healing instead of punishment.
Let’s first address the differences in the handling of the two traumas:
The first difference is in our family’s familiarity with the first situation, where Jake had to be a part of the decision-making process. When we had to make a decision about the person’s position in our organization and in our life, we had been close enough to the situation to know what felt good and right for the person and the whole community. I was not a part of the decision-making process–I was a mother with strong intuition because this person was in our home often–but I was already making plans to separate from the person. I did not know how to do it because we were close and had no solid evidence. It was excruciating. No one trains you or prepares you for this kind of moment. But damn, do people who have never had to face this kind of situation judge you for it. It is time for everyone to stop being the judge. That is a form of abuse, and few use any kind of compassion or discernment when they come to their conclusions. I pray no one else has to face this kind of tragedy and make a decision that feels best and safest for all involved. It came at a significant cost to my family, and we received no help from anyone in the community to get through it. I had to heal in isolation. My kids adored this person and were deeply traumatized. Jake became the target of attack, too. Please receive what I am saying here with great care. This situation was agony for us.
The second difference between the two situations is that we actually cared about the one who had to leave the community. This was not a cover-your-ass situation. This was real responsibility and discernment, and it grieved us. People who know us know this deeply impacted our family and how we saw the world after that moment. I took this situation seriously and started researching ways to identify this kind of problem so I could help prepare people and train them. I wanted to be a source of wisdom for others that I lacked having to navigate this kind of trauma. I wanted to go forward and heal, not punish and just move on.
The third difference is what happened with the first situation involved a communal decision. This was not one person with an agenda deciding for the whole. It was also not because we were worried about a social media backlash or a series of false accusations that could follow; it was based on the testimony of people we trusted and our own discernment. The individual accused matters, especially when their character is at stake. That should never be handled lightly or carelessly. We did care about the person. One thing I hate that happened to him, and this on law enforcement (not our organization), is he was publicly humiliated when pulled out of the community. Jake had to go through that, too. That needs to end. That is cruel and unusual and happens before the person is even found guilty. I would not even advocate for this if they were guilty. That is wrong, and society should feel shame about this process and work toward changing it. No one is going to heal by being publicly humiliated. I am struggling with it myself, and we were innocent. I wish someone would cry out on our behalf about this–in a public way. We have taken such a beating publicly with little to no public encouragement or praise from anyone. Just a bunch of people throwing their hands in the air and saying: What can you do? My response: A lot more than throwing your hands in the air. For the love!
And people wonder why I have been begging to be encouraged and critiqued less–This is why.
I am tired and need to hear what is good about me and my family. Are we seen?
When the tables tried to turn on us in the second situation (Jake once again being the point of attack–The Texas community owes Jake a huge apology–you pounced on his kindness and abused it), the person who harmed us the most deeply was wholly disconnected from the situation and had no idea what he was doing. I do not think most school districts understand these kinds of situations, not in any meaningful way. We live with judgey systems, not healing ones. Only healing systems care about meaningful and compassionate action. They would be slow to respond and serious instead of reactionary. The Human Resources department of our former school district sure does not understand these situations, and from what I am observing in Oklahoma now, it has no clue either. This is a cause for alarm. And the alarm should be heard and felt by the whole community. We lack the resources and staff to identify these situations and intervene before it becomes a problem. Functioning like this, we will always be reactionary, never proactive. We only have the resources to cover an institution’s ass. This is a horrific backlash to the #MeToo movement and not understanding the trauma caused by Covid.
In our unjustified situation, the person charged with our care was messy with his work, unfocused, and not keeping up at all. He was also cruel to Jake because he kept messing up, and it is important to note that narcissists treat you worse when they mess up. Narcissism is a public health crisis, too. His assistant apologized to us many times for the ways he was dropping the ball and not showing up for us. The district already knows this about him, too. When people found out that is who we had to deal with, they knew we were doomed and told us what he was like in other situations. That is abuse, y’all!
Okay, so now let me get as specific as possible about these situations to help do the actual work of healing–without tearing down or harming people involved in these situations. Most people in these situations were doing their best, and the inability to show up for each other in our time of need is a cultural problem, not an individual one.
Trauma #1: The Soccer Trauma
When Jake and I got involved with a community soccer club in our local area, it was to make a difference for kids who wanted to play soccer and develop age-appropriately. And to develop, the kids actually need to get to play–and also NOT overplay. The underplaying and overplaying of youth players are major violations still not cleared up in youth sports; it is the Sin of the whole system: parents, coaches, and clubs. We will never stop talking about this injustice. When our daughter started playing club at eight years old, she started out on a super-star team, and it was becoming a mess. Before we even got there, some parents were rightfully asked to leave because they had gotten violent in the face of one of our coaches and leaders in the club due to the loss of a game. This dad was pissed it would not have happened if the majority of the playtime had been given to the all-star players—their daughter was one of them, don’t you know. This is important to remember for later. This is not an isolated event. When I heard that happened, I cared very much and stood with that coach—and he never knew how much I had his back. Later, I would encounter these parents.
Eventually, Kimberlyn’s all-star team fell apart because everyone wanted to go to the best teams in all the land. Ours just wasn’t good enough. I’ll never understand it. So, we had to find another team for a little while. It was in this process my Mama Bear instincts came out of hibernation. What we are doing to kids societally is awful. We need to look at ourselves.
What is happening in youth soccer can only be described simply as a Sin, with a capital S. Several of the parents from that all-star team followed the parents who had acted belligerently to the coach of our club to another club. This is a pattern. I felt awful for the coach and his family enduring this pain. These were theirs and their daughter’s friends. I was not worried about the soccer playing opportunities for his daughter; she still had that available anywhere. I was worried about the personal pain the whole family must have felt by this betrayal. I felt this even before our own betrayal came. I am not responding based on my own experience, I have been aware of the devastation of abandonment my whole life.
Those violent parents eventually came to the club we went to for our new start; we were out. No club was ever good enough for those parents, and it was hard to escape their presence anywhere. Now they found us.
My daughter was mistreated by this team before their arrival, and I will link the post that talks about it versus writing it again, but even if she had not been mistreated, I would have left. No one messes with my friends or my family. I have y’all’s backs implicitly. The coach who had been harmed by those parents had no idea I left the team on his behalf, in addition to my daughters. If you harm any of us, you harm all of us. I was not having it with bullies, even before our encounter with our own bullies. I also warned parents from the new team about these parents, and they did not listen to me. They allowed their kids to play, and that abusive father took over and hurt their kids.
Like I said, if you hurt one of us, you hurt all of US!
If there is anything I have learned in this life, it is this: it is not systems that I trust to keep me or my family safe; it is the people I connect with who I know have my back no matter what. I trust them when making decisions. This is the first piece of advice I would give anyone wondering if someone is safe: surround yourself with people who tell the truth, even when it isn’t the popular or a “winning” choice. I guess it is all in how you define winning.
As I watched the big clubs all around us mistreat players and parents, I knew we needed to return to our first club, the one Jake was working with. I was determined to start making some changes in the world of youth soccer. This would be my ministry. Watch what you call your ministry; it will become your ministry, for better and worse.
What is happening in youth sports is absolute chaos and a crime against humanity. On game days, I would walk around the soccer fields and listen to what coaches and parents were saying to the players—even their kids- it was atrocious. This cruelty is a developmental trauma being absorbed in these young kids’ bodies, and these parents and coaches seem to have no awareness or care for how it is affecting them or making them feel. It will require significant healing work by these kids later in life when they know better. What happened was not their fault. The adults and the system failed them.
When we returned to the original club, Jake became the club’s Academy Director. That is the pre-competitive age. Unfortunately, the competitive age begins at eleven, which is way too young, but it is better than eight when parents are making it start. We returned with a renewed spirit and rebuilt Kimberlyn’s original team three times. It is a story that has to be told on its own. It was an incredible journey. I am most proud of this story during my years of soccer ministry.
Jake, in the same spirit that I love executing the responsible teaching of my core faith values, cares about how soccer is taught to kids. He wants all kids who want to play soccer to be given a chance. Playing with the goal of wins and losses too young is detrimental to their development. They need to learn to love the game first. And to love the game, they actually have to play the game. The club also helped him get the training he needed to carry out responsible youth training. What they teach is not unlike seminary training—the education is fantastic, but what is being carried out by the institutions is not even close to what coaches and seminarians are learning in their critical training.
Our own kids were systematically blocked by every soccer system (even recreational!), even by our own club when Jake was not their coach. They did not show the signs of a winner early enough, and few coaches will take the time to develop kids like ours. A lot of it is because they do not know how. This is why they steal players from other teams rather than develop their own. Jake understands if you want real power and sustainability in youth sports, learn how to train anyone who shows up with a desire to play. His background as an educator does give him a leg up. Still, his ability to care (which anyone can do) is also a significant factor in his ability to develop many players. It’s a good thing Jake was already committed to faithful development; he was ready to respond to the problems our own kids faced. He saved Kimberlyn’s playing career. He could not save Blake’s, and that is what I will write about now. Family trauma #1.
It was Blake’s team where the problem occurred. I don’t want to give too many details because people are innocent until proven guilty, and there was not enough evidence to do anything through the system about this person. The system performed as it should in this situation. It is a situation like I mentioned before, where someone does know and has to warn on their own, and the receiver has to decide what they believe using their discernment. We aren’t training people on how to discern situations very well anywhere. Our team did not go with us on what I told them based on my own observations and experiences, even though they knew how close we were to this person. It was inconvenient. And they were not happy on our team anymore, so listening to me was unimportant to them anymore. They just believed I was overdone and needed a break. That was true, but so was the message I was telling them.
And to make matters worse, Jake was coaching our team for free while this person was under investigation. And while coaching a measly futsal game (also for a group of eight-year-olds—I have no idea why it happens at eight), he gave everyone equal playing time. Our son actually got to play and score a goal. The futsal employees were so happy for him (they had given him some pointers before the game b/c they realized he needed encouragement his coach never gave him). I was excited and posted about it, thinking everyone would cheer for him. I was wrong. The parents could not have cared less because they had already written him off, and the team did not win the game. An off-season futsal game, y’all. I noticed we were getting blocked out, and I knew they were all looking elsewhere to play–without us. And guess who was especially unhappy about this game b/c we did not win, and his son did not get the amount of playing time he was accustomed to?
A DAD!
I don’t want to hear it about soccer moms. Soccer dads caused the trauma in the soccer experiences I have had.
This is a pattern created by the system, y’all. It is not a coincidence another dad got violent and belligerent with another coach and leader in our club–At the same age and over a game of no consequence.When I left the game with the kids and walked to our car, (we drove home without Jake because he had four other teams to coach—he took on three teams for free—big mistake. We would never do that again, and no institution should ever ask that of someone either), I noticed this man was livid outside the building. He never congratulated Blake, and I could tell he was going to explode on us later. When Jake got home, I told him this dad was mad and to be prepared. My intuition is rarely wrong, and this was a time it was worse than I thought.
That night, we received an email from this dad, and it went out to the whole team and the soccer board, raging about the coaching of the game and the lack of transparency over the horrific situation we found ourselves in. He accused Jake of sloppy coaching (equal play time is a violation to all-star parents) and our club for not having an immediate response to the situation that had us all wiped out with stress and grief. He wanted answers to what we were going to do right now. It must be nice to believe life can be figured out immediately as we go.
When I read that email, I was humiliated and angered beyond what words can express in writing. I could not believe the gall of this man to be so hateful and to share it with everyone. And the worst part is not a single person stood up for us or called him out for his behavior. That is worse than what the man did. I can handle attacks; I can’t handle being abandoned by people who should have had our backs. This was abusive behavior and unacceptable, even if you thought it was not being handled correctly. For the love of God, I would love to know how they would have done it. Easy to be the critic; it is much harder to be the one making the damn decision.
So, I wrote this man back, and we went back and forth about this situation. I let him have it. He told me he did not realize it sounded as angry as it did. For the love of God! I did not respond to him publicly, like he did to us, and part of me wishes I had. But I did not want to respond with the same spirit, and it was wise to give him a chance to do the repair work himself. He did not. He called Jake to apologize, but no public apology was ever made. I even made Jake call him back and ask for it. He said he would, but he did not. He told me he does this all the time to CEOs and then gets a beer with them after yelling at them. Yeah, we aren’t CEOs, and even they don’t deserve that, Bucko!
When our friends left the team. I let them know how much their silence hurt in that specific situation, and here is the text response I got back from my closest friend on the team: ☹.
That is all the feeling she could give me. This sent me into despair.
So that took years to heal from, in addition to Donald Trump getting elected at this time! I was so traumatized living in a reality I could not recognize or trust at all. Nothing was real.
I know I am a deep feeler, and I don’t ask people to feel as deeply as I do, but this is absurd and callous. Thank God scripture gave me words to survive. This situation and my reliance on scripture is what ultimately landed me in seminary. I was being called by God to address these situations—both publicly and privately. I can also tell you without a doubt this is why people are leaving communities. All of them. There is no community in the community–it is all about the false self. Emotional absence is killing our communities.
Trauma #2: Being accused by an uniformed public school system
Imagine how it must have felt at the end of my seminary journey, where so much healing had occurred and I was overdue for some rest, getting a call during finals week from Jake that he is on leave from work– and he has no idea why. That is the worst part—we did not know why. Take that in, y’all. They will put you on leave and not tell you why. This is how our systems are working, and it is fucking legal! That absolutely must change. Don’t even reprimand me for language here. What the system did to Jake was a foul—not my language. Get over it if it bothers you. My cussing is holy and righteous. Anger isn’t the curse; apathy is–as Audre Lorde says.
I spent three days in pure emotional despair. I could not sleep. I cried out each night in deep agony begging God to send us friends. I felt the earth shake when I cried out: THE BRUEHLS NEED FRIENDS!
We were expecting the worst, having no idea what the worst could possibly be. Jake had not done anything, and I did not doubt that for a second–remember, my intuition is strong, but we were not stupid. We live in a world that does not care about truth. They could say whatever the hell they wanted while we were silenced–and whoever made a claim against us was not silenced. That is a SIN.
But it did not work. We had enough friends in systems surrounding us who were guiding us and helping us fight back. They were stunned by what our community was doing. They wanted them investigated right back. We also found out, b/c we paid for a damn lawyer, that the offense was not even a reportable offense. None of this was even necessary by legal standards. This wasn’t even precautionary. Even the police, without saying it out loud, let me know this was not their process causing it.
THIS WAS NOT PRECAUTION.
THIS WAS A SETUP.
The system also had Jake sign an NDA (non-disclosure agreement). Can you believe in this environment, a system thinking it can get away with an NDA? And without telling you why you need to sign the damn thing!! Well, guess what, buckos?! I did not sign an NDA, and you won’t ever get my silence, especially when you haven’t even fucking told us what is going on. You still haven’t. And we will never, ever sign an NDA again. People in the system were even telling teachers not talk to us. That IS illegal. They had no legal grounds to tell people not to talk to us. There was nothing being charged—that was strictly to intimidate and make us look guilty. I cannot believe my family was put through this. Regardless of intent, the system caused irreparable harm to my family and owes us an apology. They better be working like hell to change their processes. (They aren’t. Not yet).
It is so excruciating to write these words. Now that I have seen a small glimpse of how our systems work, I am sounding the alarm. This is exactly what happens when Nazism is at play. They are intimidating public school teachers on purpose. None of this is or was to protect kids. And if you have read my post, you know protecting kids is what I care about more than anything. What the system did to us was a violation against kids, too. Jake was working with the hardest kids in school—the ones no one wants.
Guess what happened when this happened to Jake? The teachers became even more distant from those kids. That is way too much risk with no support from the system. Why would anyone take that on when that can happen? I wouldn’t, and I take on a lot of risks. I want systemic support to do the work required of us all.This is what happens when you are careless and heartless. You destroy everybody.
We also found out that the school district was inundated with claims against teachers, and the system freaking took every single one of them. I have talked to several trauma therapists about this, and they are livid. That is not how you protect victims! That is how you make protecting victims a joke, and now public school teachers are a victimized group. But we already knew that, and I have reason to believe the school system either targeted us on purpose or it really is that stupid. I am leaning toward the latter, and that is even more dangerous than being sinister.
I am not writing this to shame anyone individually. I do hope we feel some communal shame, though. It is time to rethink how we are doing things systematically and consider how our systems are destroying relationships by design. Without relationships, we have nothing. It is just a process you hope to survive, but you never actually live.
I want to live. I want others to live. Relationships are the answer. Let’s stop destroying them.
Here is the link to a post I made a few years ago about youth sports: https://lindsaybruehl.com/2018/04/15/it-is-ok-to-slow-down-youth-sports/
It is World Cup time, y’all.
If you knew me a few years back, you might remember when my daily Facebook posts were about soccer—not so much religion and faith. But I would not have gotten to where I am now without soccer. Soccer is where I found my voice and my love for community-building—authentically, not by using people.
Soccer is where I started raging against the machine. I saw what big clubs were doing and knew I could do something better by telling a better story. I have no background in soccer, mind you. I know how to tell a story that breathes new life into a toxic culture. I had no awareness of that gift at the time, though. I just started doing it out of desperation for my kids. I wanted them to have a good soccer experience.
A club was formed in Wylie, TX, called Mutiny, and it was created to serve the community, not the empire. I went all in. It was a place where we treated families and children like humans, and everyone got to play. Jake Bruehl was adamant that we would start developing players age-appropriately and we would develop our own players. We weren’t going to look like we were succeeding b/c we stole other teams’ players. It is one thing if they left their teams to come to us out of their own desire, but we did not pursue other teams’ players unless they were the bench players—or if I knew these players were being mistreated. It was like Jesus approaching the disciples and telling them to cast their nets on the other side of the boat if they wanted to catch any fish.
This is how I feel about religion now. Everyone gets to play, and everyone will be treated like a human. Mistakes are welcome; abuse is not. Soccer was training me for this message.
Soccer has brought so much life and joy to my family. It has brought us a lot of grief too. When we got involved with Mutiny, our lives changed for the better. I found a voice within me I would not have found in the church. The world is better b/c Mutiny existed, and I always say that. The community that we as a team, built there, I have not seen it anywhere else in the soccer world. Not even close. Like with many good things, though, there was a tragic ending. That one was real, and it was not Mutiny’s fault. But that ending does not define the story of Mutiny; it is not even most of the story. But that ending had a lot to do with what is/was happening in our culture then, and we learned a lot.
We spent a lot of time with our various beloved communities watching the World Cup together throughout the years. Even with our church youth group on the way to Atlanta, we watched a World Cup game at The Varsity restaurant. It was USA vs Belgium. Jake remembers the teams. Ha!
We also spent Thanksgiving with the Haitian Amputee World Cup team in 2014. The director of Mutiny at the time was one of their coaches. The players’ injuries happened due to Haiti’s massive earthquake in 2010. It was quite a story, and these players were full of joy and hope. They even got to meet the Pope! Many said they would not have found their way without the earthquake. While I don’t ascribe to the theology that everything happens for a reason, I think the players are right that sometimes unexpected doors open in the most tragic of circumstances. It does not erase what was lost, but we cannot discount that it brought new life too. Both/and. I hear that more than ever right now.
Look at our history with soccer. Look at the joy. All of that was real, which is why the grief was so deep. Grief is love with nowhere to go, as the saying goes. I would not change a thing about this time. Of course I wish I knew some things then that I know now, but I would not know what I know now without this incredibly special time in our lives.
I am looking forward to watching USA vs Vietnam today. This is Vietnam’s first time in the World Cup, friends. How cool is that?!
Now to talk about “We Can Do Hard Things” podcast. Every day there is something for me to share with you. 🙂
Abby Wambach was the guest (and host) of the latest We Can Do Hard Things podcast. She talked with her wife, Glennon, and sister-in-law, Amanda, about her World Cup experiences. It is fascinating and inspiring. I highly recommend everyone to go and have a listen.
Abby was in 3 World Cups where she started and played every second, but the team never came out with a World Cup victory. By the 4th World Cup, she made the team but was not going to get to start—she was 35 and slowing down. She knew that was the right move, but it still pissed her off. She had to deal with her big feelings about it. And she had to deal with her feelings that they finally won when she was not a starter.
But Abby Wambach’s contribution to USA Women’s soccer is incomparable. She made world-changing goals (headers, specifically) that changed USA soccer forever. It isn’t always in the winning where significant changes are made. It is often in the details that get overlooked far too often by the shinier things that distract us from what it took to get there.
Abby’s ability to surrender and be a bench player in her 4th and final World Cup paved the way for the USA to finally clinch the victory. Her mentorship and leadership were still invaluable; the team needed her there. That is why she still made the team.
Love reflecting on these memories. Now I am back into it. Returning home. I have experienced a lot of life-changing moments that have changed me and my family forever through soccer. These moments have impacted my faith and how I see the world profoundly. I embrace it all with deep gratitude.
The gender binary and the assigning of gender roles is causing harm to everybody (EVERY BODY) in our society. What is happening to us on the gender spectrum affects all of us and is a conversation we can all relate to, albeit with our different experiences. What the Southern Baptist Convention (SBC) has done most recently by removing Saddleback Church from their conference because they have ordained women as pastors is a systemic issue that has long plagued women in the church and in political office. This is an obvious act of systemic violence against women, and our culture is finally waking up to this crisis. Women not being represented in large enough numbers in any room where the decisions are made is causing harm to our bodies, mental health, healthcare, and everyday life. The SBC is not the only place where these outdated gender roles are assigned, but they make us pay attention to it. And for a good reason, they hold a lot of political power. Whether we are associated with the SBC or not, we are all affected by this. This is more than a corrupt religious institution; this is also a political movement with an agenda. Women and men both are in danger.
As I mentioned, the obvious group being harmed systemically by this is women. I have my own story of being raised complementarian and finding freedom from it in the most unlikely of places, a Baptist church. It is still not easy for me, even today, to find a place where I can preach and use my God-given gifts which I have gone to school for and worked hard to refine. But today, I want to do something a little less obvious: talk about how the SBC put men and boys at greater risk by their recent decision to remove Saddleback Church for ordaining women. Justice movements are watching this and responding in ways causing more harm than healing. They are scaring our men and boys to the point they now do not know how to act in a #MeToo world. We are not sending them any messages of how good it is to be male or any story for them to live into that we celebrate with them because of who they are.
The SBC, over and over, keeps sending a message that men cannot be trusted. (Even though they say it is women). And the ramifications of their actions trickle down in ways most will never connect back to systems like this one. They are not the only ones, but I am a Baptist so I am calling them out. I am calling on my family for help.
The reason I want to share how this move by the SBC is causing harm to men is twofold:
In our culture now, we rarely hear how good it is to be masculine or how good it is to be a man. We celebrate their accomplishments but rarely their personhood. Fatherhood, whether it be biological, spiritual, mentor, teacher, therapist, or friend, we all benefit from a father figure in our lives. Fatherhood does not have to come in one form. But even without the known benefits we receive from having a father figure in our lives, their existence is enough. Men and boys do not hear this often. You matter because you exist, which is why we are all better. I was listening to author and researcher Richard Reeves on Pantsuit Politics last week. The podcast’s title is “Why the Modern Male is Struggling.” Please go listen to this podcast ASAP. He said in this podcast that one thing he wrote about in his book, Of Boys and Men: Why the Modern Male Is Struggling, Why It Matters, and What to Do about It, is the evidence showing that kids flourish more in school and other areas of life when a father is present in their lives, or if they have some kind of male figure in their life who represents that kind of caretaker. But he regrets that he wrote that chapter more as a means to an end than as a precious identity. It matters to men that they are fathers. The identity of being a father is enough and is good enough on its own without any evidence attempting to prove its worth by any outcome. This is part of the problem in our culture; the worth of anything is determined by some measured outcome. Reeves’ book addresses many systemic issues that harm boys and men. I will be buying his book and reading it soon. I also love how he said we must stop using the term “toxic masculinity”; don’t use it to describe femininity, either. He recommends the terms immature masculinity or femininity. This kind of language is softer and gives us an imagination for growth.
I grew up in a complementarian church. Because of this background, I have heard for too many years that I cannot preach and lead men spiritually, not even in my own home! There were many “don’ts” and not many “dos” for me in the church. This took away control over my spiritual journey and my vision of myself in ministry. I had no vision I could work in ministry, so I did not pursue that avenue until I left that environment. It also prevented me from connecting with men in ways we could grow together spiritually and become friends. It is a system designed to make men and women mistrust each other, and the SBC is trying really hard to make this the cultural norm. This experience had a profound impact on me and my mental health. I did not realize it until I needed to be heard because I was crying out in pain due to events happening in 2016 and I was met with silence. I had to move to a place that valued women to be heard. This move landed me in seminary too. Going where my personhood was valued changed the trajectory of my life.
I did not realize at the time I could heal because our culture was beginning to see the systemic injustice against women. There was systemic attention available to my suffering. I did not realize men were not receiving this for their suffering. Men are not allowed to suffer. I dismissed some of their concerns about how to be considered safe as a man in a #MeToo world. I thought only those who would cause harm had any reason to worry. Certainly, the #MeToo movement would not turn and cause some of the same harms that created the need for the movement.
I was wrong! I had no idea our systems would respond so reactively and foolishly because they are afraid of social media backlash and possible future movements that might show they were uninformed in some way. What saddens me so much about what I have experienced is the misunderstanding of the #MeToo movement. It was supposed to be about healing the systems that caused the abuse (like what the SBC is doing), not becoming another punitive system furthering harm. How are men supposed to be sources of healing in an environment like this? This is the fruition of our punitive systems, along with powerful institutions like the SBC and their abusive actions, that teach people not to trust men. Our boys are really suffering too.
And we wonder why we feel lonely and disconnected as a nation.
I am a female pastor calling on my faith community for help.
I graduated seminary amid a storm my family should have never been put through. I have taken this year post-graduation to learn about systems and how to offer healing instead of punishment. We live in a time that invites us to grow and connect, not punish and disconnect more. Our punitive ways are getting in the way of healing and connection. Men are not getting their voices heard when trouble comes, either. The SBC has furthered the trope that men are all about power and silencing women. It plays out in public life in ways that seem unimaginable. But I can tell you it is real, and it is scary. That is not the response #MeToo was looking for.
I often hear we over-correct problems before we balance. In the case of the #MeToo movement, I would argue that we have not corrected at all. The system is reacting, but it is not listening. It still protects the system, not the people or what is true. We are doing the same thing; it just looks different now.
In the same way, our religious and political life together are hindered by the lack of female representation, so too are the areas where males are under-represented. Men who want to help and do not see a need for men and women to be separated to be safe are feeling more vulnerable now because of institutions like the SBC. Reactive and punitive justice movements are not helping, either.
We cannot connect if we are not building systems of trust. Systems where people of all walks of life and experiences matter and can benefit from living in the community. The data is out. You can look it up almost anywhere: men and boys suffer systemically. It is time to see it as a systemic issue and start sharing the inherent worth of men and boys in our communities, and not for their accomplishments. The way to heal and break divides is by building up, not tearing down. But coming together, not dividing. I am now involved with the Rewilding Ministry and will share more soon. We are addressing this so we can truly be a survivor-centered institution.
I will end with two quotes from Adrienne Maree Brown’s book, We Will Not Cancel Us. Her work is influencing our rewilding work. AMB is an abolitionist who is also concerned about the punitive nature justice movements are bringing with them instead of healing.
Abolition is about presence, not absence. It is about building life-affirming institutions.– Ruth Wilson Gilmore.
This quote responds to justice movements that remain punitive in their nature.
It has meant slowing down our initial collective reactions such that violence is not met with more violence, but with alternative and satisfying consequences that result in the reduction of harm. –Adrienne Maree Brown
I have listened to two separate news podcasts about the Andy Warhol “Orange Prince” case. If you don’t know about it, I’ll link a news article to this post so I don’t have to recap the story.
As you can see he altered a photo and used it in his professional work believing this would qualify as Fair Use. The Supreme Court voted against that, and I was intrigued by both sides, for and against, if this qualified as Fair Use.
I’m going to respond as a theologian and soccer spouse. I know it is a weird combo, but I have an angle on doing work and giving credit where credit is due from both angles.
For me, none of this is about the law. I’m glad laws are in place bc they should uphold a baseline of acceptable behavior in our society bc people are not reliable on their own. None of us are. We need to know the expectations. And they should be CLEAR—NOT GOTCHA! That’s terror. The beauty of a functioning democracy is we can challenge and make changes to laws, or revisit what they mean. That’s what happened here with the Supreme Court. This is the first time I’ve listened to our justices sound like people who care about the law, not their ideologies. A sign of hope. And this convo was fantastic, I think.
As a writer, I know that what I do is like art: nothing is created from nothing. I must give credit where credit is due. It doesn’t diminish my work or erase what I built by crediting the person’s work who inspired mine. As a theologian, I see this as the beauty of a community building together. Not a competition.
I do have to be discerning, though. When is what I write changed enough that I don’t really need to cite their work? It has been transformed enough into my own creation—even though it came from something. God created from something too. (I don’t think God creating from nothing (ex nihilo) is theologically sound). I guess this is a question of if God needs to credit the water 💦 😉
As a soccer wife who just witnessed an incredible season by a team my partner built for 18 years and this year was the first year without him, I had some concerns about my spouse being properly cited for his work. This had nothing to do with pride, mind you; it had everything to do with remembering whose work built that foundation. It doesn’t take away from the one who continues to build off that work and give it a fresh new lens. That’s the beauty of art, and maybe we should consider that we are all artists in our own right.
Artists and writers care about these questions, for good reason, and it made me realize we might not ask these questions enough in sports. Maybe at the highest level, but there’s certainly no law making sure the work of those who came before gets cited. Should it be?
To me, this really has nothing to do with legality. I see the legal system just as a protection from those who seek to erase the work of others. As a theologian, what’s at stake for me is actually not about credit as much as it is about remembering. Remember whose shoulders we all stand on. Remember whose work made your work possible. It’s a communal act. And that’s beautiful.
You are an artist, even when citing others who made your work possible.
Nothing comes from nothing
nothing ever could.
(Something Good lyrics from Sound of Music).
https://www.theguardian.com/artanddesign/2023/may/18/andy-warhol-copyright-prince-paintings-lawsuit
Here is something I wrote on Facebook this morning and wanted to share with a wider audience.
Because it is graduation, banquet and academic achievement time, I want to send a word of encouragement to everyone—whether you won and award or not, had an impeccable sports season or not, whether your band did well or not, whether your kid’s academic achievement excelled or not.
I am sharing this because I had no idea how much my identity was tied up in all these achievements until last year happened. When what I needed most was not my achievements or my family’s achievements—I needed friends; we needed friends. We needed fathers, mothers, siblings, and anything/one that would circle around us and remind us of our name: Beloved. So, this is my attempt to be the person I needed for you, right now—whether you are in crisis mode or not. If I am on the front end of your crisis, b/c the day of crisis will come (it comes for everybody), I hope you read this and know you can call me and I will come running if you need me. I do not care what you did or did not do. My presence is unconditional. We are all human beings and it is complicated being human. My pain has grown my compassion to encompass the whole universe.
I am not typically a person who wins awards, and I am okay with that. I am not motivated by awards (what I am good at does not get an award), but I have been extremely motivated by grades and being loved by everyone. These pursuits can also get in the way of you knowing yourself—it did for me. This happy-go-lucky woman (the real Lindsay) who entered seminary with so much joy and anticipation, became a ball of stress and anxiety when it came time for grades. I took it personally and felt like a failure or a joke if these grades were not up to my idea of a high standard. My friends seemed to be having no problem excelling (I know that is not true. It just felt true). I had literal panic attacks over grades. A lot of pent-up trauma in my body came out and revealed itself through grades.
Two people at Perkins, one a professor and the other a jack-of-all trades at Perkins, said some important things to me that I want to share with you. Their words came from seeing and knowing me (what I am motivated by) and were able to calm me down when my panic was high. Their words also came from their wisdom seeing which students make it in the field once they graduated. These two people loved me well, even when I was stressing out and not myself. They cared about me, no matter what state I was in. This is what I remember most about them. I know they have won many awards and have achieved a lot in life, but I cannot tell you a thing about their achievements. What I can tell you is how they treated me—even when I was being unreasonable. There is a quote about this.
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
― Maya Angelou
Can confirm.
Here is what was said to me.
From my professor: Lindsay, I know your grades are not at the top of the class, but I still see you as a top student. You are the one I see as ready to take off and live what you are learning. I cannot teach that.
From my dearest Perkins friend: (This is also proven through studies) Lindsay, the people who get straight As in school are also often the people who burn out first once they leave the academic setting.
I am not sharing this to downgrade people who win lots of awards and are getting straight As. But do take this to heart. I have another Patch Adams example:
Philip Seymour Hoffman (may his memory be a blessing) played the role of Mitch in Patch Adams. He was the overachieving medical student and was Patch Adams (Robin Williams, may his memory be a blessing) roommate. He was not impressed with Patch Adams playfulness all throughout school. He felt he was making a joke out of something serious and did not like him for it. I loved Patch’s response. You think you have to be a prick to achieve anything, and you think that is a new idea.
The day came Mitch could not help a patient who refused to eat. He told Patch that he can outdo and outdiagnose him, but he cannot make her eat. (Patch was leaving the medical field at this point). He asked him to stay. What Patch does can’t be taught—it can only be lived.
Here is the actual quote at the end of the movie that has guided my life ever since I watched this movie when I was in college the first time:
You treat a disease, you win, you lose. You treat a person, I guarantee you, you’ll win, no matter what the outcome.
“At what point in history did a doctor become something more than a trusted and learned friend who visited and treated the ill?”
These quotes apply to any and all professions. If we know this deep in our bones, what we win or don’t win won’t really matter. We will have what is truest: Friendship.
Congrats to everyone whether you achieved the most or not. Your existence is a miracle and will heal what needs mending when you live into your truth.
The pace of God is slow. Here is a pic of a turtle. Reminds me of Mr. Rogers having us watch a turtle walk across the room and calling it a miracle. This was while the rest of the world was going too fast and denigrating human dignity.
Dear Friends,
I’ve waited to weigh in on the latest TX shooting. This one really hit home bc I went to the Allen outlets quite a bit and two of the children killed attended an ELEMENTARY school several of my friends’ kids went to in Wylie.
As someone who just escaped TX bc of a system that is unwell, I was already well-aware and closely-acquainted with the ever-present violence that is everywhere in TX. Dealing with people right now in a human way is extremely dangerous. Too many are disconnected from themselves and living out of their trauma and transmitting it on everybody. (This is why I made the point about Kimbo’s coach having a well-regulated nervous system. We know he’s safe).
It’s in Oklahoma too, but as Pantsuit Politics brought up today on their podcast: Texas is special (not in the good way) when it comes to gun violence. These mass shootings are happening at a higher rate than all the others bc it’s the state with the highest gun ownership and some of the laxest gun laws.
Oklahoma, do you want to revisit the Jon Stewart convo with Senator Nathan Dahm? Bc we need to. What he has done is what TX has done. And all it has done is create terror. No one feels safe. Not even with the people nearest to them! Is that how we really want to live?!
Texas is more afraid of teachers than they are of guns.
Let that sink in.
It’s time to lay all the guns down. Turn them into ploughshares. People are hungry and our land needs loving attention.
It’s time to listen to teachers. They are seeing what is happening in public life in a way few of us can see or possibly begin to understand. They are our first responders, bc they are the proactive responders. They are on the front end! Not the responders after a tragedy happens. Teachers are victims of many of these gun-violence tragedies that happen every damn day.
It’s amazing to me we allow people to create laws for us when they are so disconnected from the lived reality of the people they are supposed to be serving. Creating laws in their glass castle where they have protection from guns and healthcare paid for by us!!
I’m over it. I’ve got different ideas and I’m finding my people.
I am going to speak up on something b/c Ryan Walters has forced my hand and Attorney General Gentner Drummond has offset with kindness.
Y’all, there is good news in this post. AG Drummond is coming alive and making me believe there are better days coming for Oklahoma—and he is a Republican, friends!
Listen, I search for what is true about people. What you label yourself as will never define you for me. It will always be your actions that will inform me if you are safe to be around or not. But I will always love you—no matter what. I will always work for a world where you can thrive and feel the love we all deserve to feel. We were created for love. Labels are just an attempt to define someone or something. They will never ever come close to actually defining something or someone. I also know that we are all survivors.
Ryan Walters has forced my hand because today is the day one year ago that turned my family’s life upside down. It was as violent of an intrusion spiritually as the F5 tornado was for Oklahoma physically on this same day in 1999. May 3 is a turbulent day for me. I have survived both days. But May 3 is also my Papa’s birthday. My Papa was not always the most sensitive or easy person for me to be around as a child because he had been through a lot of pain. But, I was with him the day before he died—and none of us knew he was going to die—and he kissed me when they dropped me off at home. He had never done that before. Not in my memory, at least. There is something about this memory coming up today, on May 3, that feels like God speaking to me—or maybe it is my Papa (same thing). This is a day that does not feel like a tender or life giving day for me right now. But the man who wasn’t always sensitive and often scared me as a kid was born this day, and he left me with a kiss. Remembering that kiss is overpowering this angst I am feeling today. May all the May 3s I am blessed enough to receive going forward be overpowered with the “moisture from a kiss” to quote Garth Brooks’ song “The Change.” A song he wrote after the OKC bombing.
Me and Oklahoma. We know grief all too well. But we both still keep believing we can take on that fire with the moisture from a kiss too. And it is true. I remember my Papa’s kiss most of all now. I want May 3 to be taken over in my memory with a simple act of love that can and will tame any fire seeking to destroy what is good.
I have taken this morning to breathe and let the pain of this day move through my body. It is just temporary. I am at peace. We are on the other side now. We also are now well-aware these situations are not one-offs. This is intentional public abuse that is endorsed by our public officials. Here is why Ryan Walters forced my hand to speak today.
Did you know that Ryan Walters called teachers’ unions “terrorist organizations” just the other day?
The teachers’ union saved my family’s life. So you can imagine how Ryan’s words have affected me—and today is not the day you want to mess with me, Ryan.
Do y’all understand when a leader talks like this it has real implications on peoples’ lives? Trump and Kirk Cameron calling teachers groomers too.
It also completely unprofessional and has no place in public office. It is public abuse, and it is giving people who love them permission to act likewise. Leaders’ words should be treated the same as actions b/c people are listening and reacting. It is making the lives of people working in public education less safe and also why kids feel like they can treat teachers however they want. Leaders should be held accountable immediately. Public office should not be given to the most hateful people! It should be the least forgiving place for intentional public cruelty.
But here is where I find the “moisture from a kiss” moment on this day. Yesterday was Teacher Appreciation Day. There was no word from Gov. Stitt thanking teachers or Walters backing down on his violent rhetoric, but Attorney General Gentner Drummond sent a word of appreciation to our teachers. He is also trying to intercede to save the life of Richard Glossip.
There is someone in office who sees. And his label does not matter. He is still connected to his humanity and we are all safer b/c he is there.
That is what is giving me hope on this day. My first May 3 post-traumatic event. And I am still believing in that “moisture from a kiss” miracle.
There is Life Out There 