The gender binary and the assigning of gender roles is causing harm to everybody (EVERY BODY) in our society. What is happening to us on the gender spectrum affects all of us and is a conversation we can all relate to, albeit with our different experiences. What the Southern Baptist Convention (SBC) has done most recently by removing Saddleback Church from their conference because they have ordained women as pastors is a systemic issue that has long plagued women in the church and in political office. This is an obvious act of systemic violence against women, and our culture is finally waking up to this crisis. Women not being represented in large enough numbers in any room where the decisions are made is causing harm to our bodies, mental health, healthcare, and everyday life. The SBC is not the only place where these outdated gender roles are assigned, but they make us pay attention to it. And for a good reason, they hold a lot of political power. Whether we are associated with the SBC or not, we are all affected by this. This is more than a corrupt religious institution; this is also a political movement with an agenda. Women and men both are in danger.
As I mentioned, the obvious group being harmed systemically by this is women. I have my own story of being raised complementarian and finding freedom from it in the most unlikely of places, a Baptist church. It is still not easy for me, even today, to find a place where I can preach and use my God-given gifts which I have gone to school for and worked hard to refine. But today, I want to do something a little less obvious: talk about how the SBC put men and boys at greater risk by their recent decision to remove Saddleback Church for ordaining women. Justice movements are watching this and responding in ways causing more harm than healing. They are scaring our men and boys to the point they now do not know how to act in a #MeToo world. We are not sending them any messages of how good it is to be male or any story for them to live into that we celebrate with them because of who they are.
The SBC, over and over, keeps sending a message that men cannot be trusted. (Even though they say it is women). And the ramifications of their actions trickle down in ways most will never connect back to systems like this one. They are not the only ones, but I am a Baptist so I am calling them out. I am calling on my family for help.
The reason I want to share how this move by the SBC is causing harm to men is twofold:
- I am listening to people’s ideas of why men are struggling. Data is being reported on the mental health of men and boys, which is extremely troubling. No matter where you fall on the spectrum, left or right, no one views this mental health crisis as systemic. We see it more easily with girls and women but are blaming men and boys for their struggles.
- My family has also experienced the effects of these power moves by powerful institutions where men hold most of the power. It does not just affect women. Men in spaces with less representation pay the price and are left alone if someone targets them, no matter the truth. The abuse of institutions like the SBC is making everybody sus (suspect).
In our culture now, we rarely hear how good it is to be masculine or how good it is to be a man. We celebrate their accomplishments but rarely their personhood. Fatherhood, whether it be biological, spiritual, mentor, teacher, therapist, or friend, we all benefit from a father figure in our lives. Fatherhood does not have to come in one form. But even without the known benefits we receive from having a father figure in our lives, their existence is enough. Men and boys do not hear this often. You matter because you exist, which is why we are all better. I was listening to author and researcher Richard Reeves on Pantsuit Politics last week. The podcast’s title is “Why the Modern Male is Struggling.” Please go listen to this podcast ASAP. He said in this podcast that one thing he wrote about in his book, Of Boys and Men: Why the Modern Male Is Struggling, Why It Matters, and What to Do about It, is the evidence showing that kids flourish more in school and other areas of life when a father is present in their lives, or if they have some kind of male figure in their life who represents that kind of caretaker. But he regrets that he wrote that chapter more as a means to an end than as a precious identity. It matters to men that they are fathers. The identity of being a father is enough and is good enough on its own without any evidence attempting to prove its worth by any outcome. This is part of the problem in our culture; the worth of anything is determined by some measured outcome. Reeves’ book addresses many systemic issues that harm boys and men. I will be buying his book and reading it soon. I also love how he said we must stop using the term “toxic masculinity”; don’t use it to describe femininity, either. He recommends the terms immature masculinity or femininity. This kind of language is softer and gives us an imagination for growth.
I grew up in a complementarian church. Because of this background, I have heard for too many years that I cannot preach and lead men spiritually, not even in my own home! There were many “don’ts” and not many “dos” for me in the church. This took away control over my spiritual journey and my vision of myself in ministry. I had no vision I could work in ministry, so I did not pursue that avenue until I left that environment. It also prevented me from connecting with men in ways we could grow together spiritually and become friends. It is a system designed to make men and women mistrust each other, and the SBC is trying really hard to make this the cultural norm. This experience had a profound impact on me and my mental health. I did not realize it until I needed to be heard because I was crying out in pain due to events happening in 2016 and I was met with silence. I had to move to a place that valued women to be heard. This move landed me in seminary too. Going where my personhood was valued changed the trajectory of my life.
I did not realize at the time I could heal because our culture was beginning to see the systemic injustice against women. There was systemic attention available to my suffering. I did not realize men were not receiving this for their suffering. Men are not allowed to suffer. I dismissed some of their concerns about how to be considered safe as a man in a #MeToo world. I thought only those who would cause harm had any reason to worry. Certainly, the #MeToo movement would not turn and cause some of the same harms that created the need for the movement.
I was wrong! I had no idea our systems would respond so reactively and foolishly because they are afraid of social media backlash and possible future movements that might show they were uninformed in some way. What saddens me so much about what I have experienced is the misunderstanding of the #MeToo movement. It was supposed to be about healing the systems that caused the abuse (like what the SBC is doing), not becoming another punitive system furthering harm. How are men supposed to be sources of healing in an environment like this? This is the fruition of our punitive systems, along with powerful institutions like the SBC and their abusive actions, that teach people not to trust men. Our boys are really suffering too.
And we wonder why we feel lonely and disconnected as a nation.
I am a female pastor calling on my faith community for help.
I graduated seminary amid a storm my family should have never been put through. I have taken this year post-graduation to learn about systems and how to offer healing instead of punishment. We live in a time that invites us to grow and connect, not punish and disconnect more. Our punitive ways are getting in the way of healing and connection. Men are not getting their voices heard when trouble comes, either. The SBC has furthered the trope that men are all about power and silencing women. It plays out in public life in ways that seem unimaginable. But I can tell you it is real, and it is scary. That is not the response #MeToo was looking for.
I often hear we over-correct problems before we balance. In the case of the #MeToo movement, I would argue that we have not corrected at all. The system is reacting, but it is not listening. It still protects the system, not the people or what is true. We are doing the same thing; it just looks different now.
In the same way, our religious and political life together are hindered by the lack of female representation, so too are the areas where males are under-represented. Men who want to help and do not see a need for men and women to be separated to be safe are feeling more vulnerable now because of institutions like the SBC. Reactive and punitive justice movements are not helping, either.
We cannot connect if we are not building systems of trust. Systems where people of all walks of life and experiences matter and can benefit from living in the community. The data is out. You can look it up almost anywhere: men and boys suffer systemically. It is time to see it as a systemic issue and start sharing the inherent worth of men and boys in our communities, and not for their accomplishments. The way to heal and break divides is by building up, not tearing down. But coming together, not dividing. I am now involved with the Rewilding Ministry and will share more soon. We are addressing this so we can truly be a survivor-centered institution.
I will end with two quotes from Adrienne Maree Brown’s book, We Will Not Cancel Us. Her work is influencing our rewilding work. AMB is an abolitionist who is also concerned about the punitive nature justice movements are bringing with them instead of healing.
Abolition is about presence, not absence. It is about building life-affirming institutions.– Ruth Wilson Gilmore.
This quote responds to justice movements that remain punitive in their nature.
It has meant slowing down our initial collective reactions such that violence is not met with more violence, but with alternative and satisfying consequences that result in the reduction of harm. –Adrienne Maree Brown
There is Life Out There 