Yesterday, a friend following my story the best she could via Facebook wanted to know more specifically about what has happened to my family. I am grateful she reached out to ask about our story. With Facebook’s algorithm, even the most loyal followers struggle to keep up because of what goes through their algorithm and when. I also have to remain vague in certain parts of the stories to protect the people involved. This story spans seven years, and bits and pieces of the trauma memories come back in segments as different issues arise in our public life that take me back to these moments. What happened to us personally is also happening on a broader scale. My Facebook writing begins at those moments, not where the story actually begins. For those with no point of reference to understand what happened to me and my family before those moments, I can understand how frustrating it might be to follow my writing. So, let me give the story in as much detail as possible. This will be more than I have ever shared publicly before. I will protect the innocent and work hard not to shame the violators. In writing this story, I aim to help heal our fractured society that is eating us all alive. After years of reflection, I have ideas that can work toward our healing instead of punishment.
Let’s first address the differences in the handling of the two traumas:
The first difference is in our family’s familiarity with the first situation, where Jake had to be a part of the decision-making process. When we had to make a decision about the person’s position in our organization and in our life, we had been close enough to the situation to know what felt good and right for the person and the whole community. I was not a part of the decision-making process–I was a mother with strong intuition because this person was in our home often–but I was already making plans to separate from the person. I did not know how to do it because we were close and had no solid evidence. It was excruciating. No one trains you or prepares you for this kind of moment. But damn, do people who have never had to face this kind of situation judge you for it. It is time for everyone to stop being the judge. That is a form of abuse, and few use any kind of compassion or discernment when they come to their conclusions. I pray no one else has to face this kind of tragedy and make a decision that feels best and safest for all involved. It came at a significant cost to my family, and we received no help from anyone in the community to get through it. I had to heal in isolation. My kids adored this person and were deeply traumatized. Jake became the target of attack, too. Please receive what I am saying here with great care. This situation was agony for us.
The second difference between the two situations is that we actually cared about the one who had to leave the community. This was not a cover-your-ass situation. This was real responsibility and discernment, and it grieved us. People who know us know this deeply impacted our family and how we saw the world after that moment. I took this situation seriously and started researching ways to identify this kind of problem so I could help prepare people and train them. I wanted to be a source of wisdom for others that I lacked having to navigate this kind of trauma. I wanted to go forward and heal, not punish and just move on.
The third difference is what happened with the first situation involved a communal decision. This was not one person with an agenda deciding for the whole. It was also not because we were worried about a social media backlash or a series of false accusations that could follow; it was based on the testimony of people we trusted and our own discernment. The individual accused matters, especially when their character is at stake. That should never be handled lightly or carelessly. We did care about the person. One thing I hate that happened to him, and this on law enforcement (not our organization), is he was publicly humiliated when pulled out of the community. Jake had to go through that, too. That needs to end. That is cruel and unusual and happens before the person is even found guilty. I would not even advocate for this if they were guilty. That is wrong, and society should feel shame about this process and work toward changing it. No one is going to heal by being publicly humiliated. I am struggling with it myself, and we were innocent. I wish someone would cry out on our behalf about this–in a public way. We have taken such a beating publicly with little to no public encouragement or praise from anyone. Just a bunch of people throwing their hands in the air and saying: What can you do? My response: A lot more than throwing your hands in the air. For the love!
And people wonder why I have been begging to be encouraged and critiqued less–This is why.
I am tired and need to hear what is good about me and my family. Are we seen?
When the tables tried to turn on us in the second situation (Jake once again being the point of attack–The Texas community owes Jake a huge apology–you pounced on his kindness and abused it), the person who harmed us the most deeply was wholly disconnected from the situation and had no idea what he was doing. I do not think most school districts understand these kinds of situations, not in any meaningful way. We live with judgey systems, not healing ones. Only healing systems care about meaningful and compassionate action. They would be slow to respond and serious instead of reactionary. The Human Resources department of our former school district sure does not understand these situations, and from what I am observing in Oklahoma now, it has no clue either. This is a cause for alarm. And the alarm should be heard and felt by the whole community. We lack the resources and staff to identify these situations and intervene before it becomes a problem. Functioning like this, we will always be reactionary, never proactive. We only have the resources to cover an institution’s ass. This is a horrific backlash to the #MeToo movement and not understanding the trauma caused by Covid.
In our unjustified situation, the person charged with our care was messy with his work, unfocused, and not keeping up at all. He was also cruel to Jake because he kept messing up, and it is important to note that narcissists treat you worse when they mess up. Narcissism is a public health crisis, too. His assistant apologized to us many times for the ways he was dropping the ball and not showing up for us. The district already knows this about him, too. When people found out that is who we had to deal with, they knew we were doomed and told us what he was like in other situations. That is abuse, y’all!
Okay, so now let me get as specific as possible about these situations to help do the actual work of healing–without tearing down or harming people involved in these situations. Most people in these situations were doing their best, and the inability to show up for each other in our time of need is a cultural problem, not an individual one.
Trauma #1: The Soccer Trauma
When Jake and I got involved with a community soccer club in our local area, it was to make a difference for kids who wanted to play soccer and develop age-appropriately. And to develop, the kids actually need to get to play–and also NOT overplay. The underplaying and overplaying of youth players are major violations still not cleared up in youth sports; it is the Sin of the whole system: parents, coaches, and clubs. We will never stop talking about this injustice. When our daughter started playing club at eight years old, she started out on a super-star team, and it was becoming a mess. Before we even got there, some parents were rightfully asked to leave because they had gotten violent in the face of one of our coaches and leaders in the club due to the loss of a game. This dad was pissed it would not have happened if the majority of the playtime had been given to the all-star players—their daughter was one of them, don’t you know. This is important to remember for later. This is not an isolated event. When I heard that happened, I cared very much and stood with that coach—and he never knew how much I had his back. Later, I would encounter these parents.
Eventually, Kimberlyn’s all-star team fell apart because everyone wanted to go to the best teams in all the land. Ours just wasn’t good enough. I’ll never understand it. So, we had to find another team for a little while. It was in this process my Mama Bear instincts came out of hibernation. What we are doing to kids societally is awful. We need to look at ourselves.
What is happening in youth soccer can only be described simply as a Sin, with a capital S. Several of the parents from that all-star team followed the parents who had acted belligerently to the coach of our club to another club. This is a pattern. I felt awful for the coach and his family enduring this pain. These were theirs and their daughter’s friends. I was not worried about the soccer playing opportunities for his daughter; she still had that available anywhere. I was worried about the personal pain the whole family must have felt by this betrayal. I felt this even before our own betrayal came. I am not responding based on my own experience, I have been aware of the devastation of abandonment my whole life.
Those violent parents eventually came to the club we went to for our new start; we were out. No club was ever good enough for those parents, and it was hard to escape their presence anywhere. Now they found us.
My daughter was mistreated by this team before their arrival, and I will link the post that talks about it versus writing it again, but even if she had not been mistreated, I would have left. No one messes with my friends or my family. I have y’all’s backs implicitly. The coach who had been harmed by those parents had no idea I left the team on his behalf, in addition to my daughters. If you harm any of us, you harm all of us. I was not having it with bullies, even before our encounter with our own bullies. I also warned parents from the new team about these parents, and they did not listen to me. They allowed their kids to play, and that abusive father took over and hurt their kids.
Like I said, if you hurt one of us, you hurt all of US!
If there is anything I have learned in this life, it is this: it is not systems that I trust to keep me or my family safe; it is the people I connect with who I know have my back no matter what. I trust them when making decisions. This is the first piece of advice I would give anyone wondering if someone is safe: surround yourself with people who tell the truth, even when it isn’t the popular or a “winning” choice. I guess it is all in how you define winning.
As I watched the big clubs all around us mistreat players and parents, I knew we needed to return to our first club, the one Jake was working with. I was determined to start making some changes in the world of youth soccer. This would be my ministry. Watch what you call your ministry; it will become your ministry, for better and worse.
What is happening in youth sports is absolute chaos and a crime against humanity. On game days, I would walk around the soccer fields and listen to what coaches and parents were saying to the players—even their kids- it was atrocious. This cruelty is a developmental trauma being absorbed in these young kids’ bodies, and these parents and coaches seem to have no awareness or care for how it is affecting them or making them feel. It will require significant healing work by these kids later in life when they know better. What happened was not their fault. The adults and the system failed them.
When we returned to the original club, Jake became the club’s Academy Director. That is the pre-competitive age. Unfortunately, the competitive age begins at eleven, which is way too young, but it is better than eight when parents are making it start. We returned with a renewed spirit and rebuilt Kimberlyn’s original team three times. It is a story that has to be told on its own. It was an incredible journey. I am most proud of this story during my years of soccer ministry.
Jake, in the same spirit that I love executing the responsible teaching of my core faith values, cares about how soccer is taught to kids. He wants all kids who want to play soccer to be given a chance. Playing with the goal of wins and losses too young is detrimental to their development. They need to learn to love the game first. And to love the game, they actually have to play the game. The club also helped him get the training he needed to carry out responsible youth training. What they teach is not unlike seminary training—the education is fantastic, but what is being carried out by the institutions is not even close to what coaches and seminarians are learning in their critical training.
Our own kids were systematically blocked by every soccer system (even recreational!), even by our own club when Jake was not their coach. They did not show the signs of a winner early enough, and few coaches will take the time to develop kids like ours. A lot of it is because they do not know how. This is why they steal players from other teams rather than develop their own. Jake understands if you want real power and sustainability in youth sports, learn how to train anyone who shows up with a desire to play. His background as an educator does give him a leg up. Still, his ability to care (which anyone can do) is also a significant factor in his ability to develop many players. It’s a good thing Jake was already committed to faithful development; he was ready to respond to the problems our own kids faced. He saved Kimberlyn’s playing career. He could not save Blake’s, and that is what I will write about now. Family trauma #1.
It was Blake’s team where the problem occurred. I don’t want to give too many details because people are innocent until proven guilty, and there was not enough evidence to do anything through the system about this person. The system performed as it should in this situation. It is a situation like I mentioned before, where someone does know and has to warn on their own, and the receiver has to decide what they believe using their discernment. We aren’t training people on how to discern situations very well anywhere. Our team did not go with us on what I told them based on my own observations and experiences, even though they knew how close we were to this person. It was inconvenient. And they were not happy on our team anymore, so listening to me was unimportant to them anymore. They just believed I was overdone and needed a break. That was true, but so was the message I was telling them.
And to make matters worse, Jake was coaching our team for free while this person was under investigation. And while coaching a measly futsal game (also for a group of eight-year-olds—I have no idea why it happens at eight), he gave everyone equal playing time. Our son actually got to play and score a goal. The futsal employees were so happy for him (they had given him some pointers before the game b/c they realized he needed encouragement his coach never gave him). I was excited and posted about it, thinking everyone would cheer for him. I was wrong. The parents could not have cared less because they had already written him off, and the team did not win the game. An off-season futsal game, y’all. I noticed we were getting blocked out, and I knew they were all looking elsewhere to play–without us. And guess who was especially unhappy about this game b/c we did not win, and his son did not get the amount of playing time he was accustomed to?
A DAD!
I don’t want to hear it about soccer moms. Soccer dads caused the trauma in the soccer experiences I have had.
This is a pattern created by the system, y’all. It is not a coincidence another dad got violent and belligerent with another coach and leader in our club–At the same age and over a game of no consequence.When I left the game with the kids and walked to our car, (we drove home without Jake because he had four other teams to coach—he took on three teams for free—big mistake. We would never do that again, and no institution should ever ask that of someone either), I noticed this man was livid outside the building. He never congratulated Blake, and I could tell he was going to explode on us later. When Jake got home, I told him this dad was mad and to be prepared. My intuition is rarely wrong, and this was a time it was worse than I thought.
That night, we received an email from this dad, and it went out to the whole team and the soccer board, raging about the coaching of the game and the lack of transparency over the horrific situation we found ourselves in. He accused Jake of sloppy coaching (equal play time is a violation to all-star parents) and our club for not having an immediate response to the situation that had us all wiped out with stress and grief. He wanted answers to what we were going to do right now. It must be nice to believe life can be figured out immediately as we go.
When I read that email, I was humiliated and angered beyond what words can express in writing. I could not believe the gall of this man to be so hateful and to share it with everyone. And the worst part is not a single person stood up for us or called him out for his behavior. That is worse than what the man did. I can handle attacks; I can’t handle being abandoned by people who should have had our backs. This was abusive behavior and unacceptable, even if you thought it was not being handled correctly. For the love of God, I would love to know how they would have done it. Easy to be the critic; it is much harder to be the one making the damn decision.
So, I wrote this man back, and we went back and forth about this situation. I let him have it. He told me he did not realize it sounded as angry as it did. For the love of God! I did not respond to him publicly, like he did to us, and part of me wishes I had. But I did not want to respond with the same spirit, and it was wise to give him a chance to do the repair work himself. He did not. He called Jake to apologize, but no public apology was ever made. I even made Jake call him back and ask for it. He said he would, but he did not. He told me he does this all the time to CEOs and then gets a beer with them after yelling at them. Yeah, we aren’t CEOs, and even they don’t deserve that, Bucko!
When our friends left the team. I let them know how much their silence hurt in that specific situation, and here is the text response I got back from my closest friend on the team: ☹.
That is all the feeling she could give me. This sent me into despair.
So that took years to heal from, in addition to Donald Trump getting elected at this time! I was so traumatized living in a reality I could not recognize or trust at all. Nothing was real.
I know I am a deep feeler, and I don’t ask people to feel as deeply as I do, but this is absurd and callous. Thank God scripture gave me words to survive. This situation and my reliance on scripture is what ultimately landed me in seminary. I was being called by God to address these situations—both publicly and privately. I can also tell you without a doubt this is why people are leaving communities. All of them. There is no community in the community–it is all about the false self. Emotional absence is killing our communities.
Trauma #2: Being accused by an uniformed public school system
Imagine how it must have felt at the end of my seminary journey, where so much healing had occurred and I was overdue for some rest, getting a call during finals week from Jake that he is on leave from work– and he has no idea why. That is the worst part—we did not know why. Take that in, y’all. They will put you on leave and not tell you why. This is how our systems are working, and it is fucking legal! That absolutely must change. Don’t even reprimand me for language here. What the system did to Jake was a foul—not my language. Get over it if it bothers you. My cussing is holy and righteous. Anger isn’t the curse; apathy is–as Audre Lorde says.
I spent three days in pure emotional despair. I could not sleep. I cried out each night in deep agony begging God to send us friends. I felt the earth shake when I cried out: THE BRUEHLS NEED FRIENDS!
We were expecting the worst, having no idea what the worst could possibly be. Jake had not done anything, and I did not doubt that for a second–remember, my intuition is strong, but we were not stupid. We live in a world that does not care about truth. They could say whatever the hell they wanted while we were silenced–and whoever made a claim against us was not silenced. That is a SIN.
But it did not work. We had enough friends in systems surrounding us who were guiding us and helping us fight back. They were stunned by what our community was doing. They wanted them investigated right back. We also found out, b/c we paid for a damn lawyer, that the offense was not even a reportable offense. None of this was even necessary by legal standards. This wasn’t even precautionary. Even the police, without saying it out loud, let me know this was not their process causing it.
THIS WAS NOT PRECAUTION.
THIS WAS A SETUP.
The system also had Jake sign an NDA (non-disclosure agreement). Can you believe in this environment, a system thinking it can get away with an NDA? And without telling you why you need to sign the damn thing!! Well, guess what, buckos?! I did not sign an NDA, and you won’t ever get my silence, especially when you haven’t even fucking told us what is going on. You still haven’t. And we will never, ever sign an NDA again. People in the system were even telling teachers not talk to us. That IS illegal. They had no legal grounds to tell people not to talk to us. There was nothing being charged—that was strictly to intimidate and make us look guilty. I cannot believe my family was put through this. Regardless of intent, the system caused irreparable harm to my family and owes us an apology. They better be working like hell to change their processes. (They aren’t. Not yet).
It is so excruciating to write these words. Now that I have seen a small glimpse of how our systems work, I am sounding the alarm. This is exactly what happens when Nazism is at play. They are intimidating public school teachers on purpose. None of this is or was to protect kids. And if you have read my post, you know protecting kids is what I care about more than anything. What the system did to us was a violation against kids, too. Jake was working with the hardest kids in school—the ones no one wants.
Guess what happened when this happened to Jake? The teachers became even more distant from those kids. That is way too much risk with no support from the system. Why would anyone take that on when that can happen? I wouldn’t, and I take on a lot of risks. I want systemic support to do the work required of us all.This is what happens when you are careless and heartless. You destroy everybody.
We also found out that the school district was inundated with claims against teachers, and the system freaking took every single one of them. I have talked to several trauma therapists about this, and they are livid. That is not how you protect victims! That is how you make protecting victims a joke, and now public school teachers are a victimized group. But we already knew that, and I have reason to believe the school system either targeted us on purpose or it really is that stupid. I am leaning toward the latter, and that is even more dangerous than being sinister.
I am not writing this to shame anyone individually. I do hope we feel some communal shame, though. It is time to rethink how we are doing things systematically and consider how our systems are destroying relationships by design. Without relationships, we have nothing. It is just a process you hope to survive, but you never actually live.
I want to live. I want others to live. Relationships are the answer. Let’s stop destroying them.
Here is the link to a post I made a few years ago about youth sports: https://lindsaybruehl.com/2018/04/15/it-is-ok-to-slow-down-youth-sports/
There is Life Out There 