What do Women’s USA Soccer team, Women’s Gymnastics team, and Women
Preaching/or having any authority in Christianity have in common?

Misogyny! And abuse against children.

The other night I watched the documentary “LFG”, a documentary about
the USA Women’s Soccer Team’s unequal pay even though they win, and the men do
not. Let me preface this post for new readers, I was once a gymnast and
experienced abuse. My husband is a soccer player, and our kids have both
participated in youth soccer here in North Texas. I know I am in seminary
largely because of these experiences. What is happening to women and children
in our churches is also happening in our public life. It is connected, not a
coincidence. I am not going to rehash my soccer/gymnastics experiences in this post
because I have already written about them. Feel free to check out the posts if
interested.

Watching the documentary on USA Women’s soccer team’s unequal pay and hearing
the women’s experiences and excuses they receive for the unequal pay; these are
the same exact things women hear in the Christian industry too. Megan Rapinoe
is one of the loudest voices on the US soccer team about the inequality. She is also a
fierce social-justice warrior. Her brother is a victim of the opioid crisis.
There is a lot to her story that makes her the person she is today, and I thank
God daily for her voice and personality that shine brightly leading us to a
better world. I am glad the USA Women’s soccer team is mad and fighting back, because
women/children are afraid to be mad in other areas of life and there is an
incident happening right now in the conservative Christian world that
highlights this point. Women are taught to be pleasing and not to rock the
boat. Example of why this is happening: John Piper, from Desiring God, and an unfortunate leader in the Christian faith (we have to say Christian-I am not going to give it an adjective to let
Christians off the hook because he is using the same faith we claim for his
abuse—and he has a very large platform) responded to a question about if women
are to submit to abusive husbands. He said it depended on the type of
abuse. Even when extreme, the woman is to respond kindly to her husband when
she objects. Also, if it is just verbal abuse, then she can overlook it. Verbal
unkindness does not matter. She submits to her husband because that is God’s calling
for her life. Even in progressive Christianity, most do not see verbal abuse as
spiritual abuse. Spiritual abuse is just as harmful and debilitating as
physical abuse.

USA Women’s Soccer team to the rescue. They are mad and not apologizing. The
women started fighting during the World Cup, the last one they won in 2019. It
was a huge risk, but worth it. When they won and a celebration was going on
with a large crowd in attendance, the US Soccer Federation had to respond to
the crowd about the inequality. And here is what the president said: He
admitted the women have done well and deserve more. But then he went on to say this: and this
is why we invest in the women’s program more than any other country.

OMG! Well, now we know this is a worldwide problem and every
woman should fight, but this is no excuse for the US Soccer Federation to get
around the unequal pay. I also hate hearing that in Christianity. I hear too
often: well, you could live in another country where it is worse. I do not give
a damn that it could be worse; and, to assume the US is treating women better
than every other country is false. But no matter what, comparison is from
the devil. We fight for justice as it is-not in comparison.

Then when that was not enough for the women’s soccer team to feel satisfied with
their second-class treatment in soccer, the federation started looking at the
rules to get around making changes and here are several of their excuses: 1)
The women agreed to their contracts and pay (as if they knew at the time what
was happening) 2) The women are paid more (if you look at total pay and not
rate of pay—they are playing and winning more games and that is the only reason
they get paid more) 3) That they are biologically inferior (my blood is boiling
now—women hear this in Christianity too b/c it is in scripture (1 Peter 3:7).

As you can see, patriarchy will say and do anything other than what is right
by women, or anyone it deems weaker. In gymnastics, if Larry Nassar had not
been busted for sexually abusing the gymnasts, USA Gymnastics would still be
ignoring all the verbal and physical abuse by the coaches who treated the
gymnasts as their possessions. Children competing on serious injuries to win
medals and to stroke their coach’s egos and make America proud.

Knowing this now, when I remember the church’s silence and continued support
for Donald Trump when he was a clear and present danger to women, BIPOC, and
children in 2015/6—it is now understandable why this is happening. American has
sinned. America believes lies to keep power, and what we are doing now is
actually feeling these sins. Times were not better before now. God is here and
has some words to say. God wants a better world for all of God’s children—all over
the world. From the words of Amos 5:

¹⁸ Alas for you who desire the day of the Lord!
    Why do you want the day of the Lord?
It is darkness, not light;
¹⁹     as if someone fled from a lion,
    and was met by a bear;
or went into the house and rested a hand against the wall,
    and was bitten by a snake.
²⁰ Is not the day of the Lord darkness, not light,
    and gloom with no brightness in it?

²¹ I hate, I despise your festivals,
    and I take no delight in your solemn assemblies.
²² Even though you offer me your burnt offerings and grain offerings,
    I will not accept them;
and the offerings of well-being of your fatted animals
    I will not look upon.
²³ Take away from me the noise of your songs;
    I will not listen to the melody of your harps.
²⁴ But let justice roll down like waters,
    and righteousness like an ever-flowing stream.

 

In Christianity currently, Dr. Beth Allison Barr has written a book called, “The Making of Biblical Womanhood.” It has struck a
nerve in the conservative world and the criticism she is getting from complementarian
men is outright abuse. They go after her emotions, of course. I am a four on the
enneagram, well in touch with my emotions, and I have a lot to say about
emotions and how these men are being emotional and using their emotions to
manipulate people. It has worked for too long. Trump plays on people’s emotions
and makes people nostalgic for a time that never was—maybe if you are white cisgender
straight male, but even then, the times were not good for them either. You can
see it in their inability to show their feelings. They must act manly (according
to toxic masculinity rules) and be in charge with all the answers. I am here to say that tears are
good for the soul for everybody. Not knowing all the answers, and we do not, allows us to enter doors we would never have attempted to open before. I can bear witness to this. It is not just good news for women.
For everybody!

 

Dr. Barr is also having her credentials attacked and sources she
has used to back up her scholarship. USA Women’s soccer team addressed this
too. They know their voice was only going to work if they are winning. It is a
beast to continue to have to compete at that high of a level all of the time, with
no room for error, to make sure they get the compensation that they do now. But
even when they are at top-level competition, even when women have the right credentials,
it is not enough. This principality is flooding down into youth soccer/gymnastics/church
too. The pressure to compete/preach at a high level for girls/women is so high
it is ruining a culture that could be so much healthier and good. America has
such an unhealthy relationship with winning. Trump brought that up when he said:
We will be sick and tired of winning. I was there long before he said that. Winning
is great, but not like this. We are not actually winning.

 

Back to Dr. Barr, she was fiercely attacked by a writer and seminary
professor who writes for TGC, the Total Gospel Coalition. TGC posts really
awful and harmful articles all the time. I do not know why we take them
seriously, or why they have a platform at all. They even attacked Elsa and that
is why I am Elsa. Thank you, TGC, I have never had more fun finding myself
through the truth Elsa has revealed to me. I was talking to my therapists last
week, ironically, because I had no idea this was coming, about how I am shocked
people take me seriously in the world I am now because I have no credentials.
Working on it, though. Here is how my therapist responded: Wait, do you think
professors and pastors are to only respond to people with credentials?

 

That was such a good question and made me realize I have something
inside me that believes credentials are what give a voice worth, not wisdom
from experience. This is not to say credentials are not important. Dr. Barr and
the US Soccer Team would not have the ability to do what they do without being
trained, but the credentials are not what give value to their voice. A lot of
women, I used to be one, were/are denied these credentials. The man who
attacked Dr. Barr is going after her credentials by talking over her and asking
everyone to look at his credentials and read his book coming out that will
support complementarianism. Dr. Barr is also responding in a way that reminds
me of what Megan Rapinoe addresses in the documentary when we feel badly about
getting angry. Megan Rapinoe says that women are taught to posture themselves
out of gratitude for what they are given. Being angry at injustice without
apology is how women get called names and the opposition will use the term “emotional”
to infantilize women and discredit their good work – sports and scholarship.

 

The US Women’s soccer team just lost the first game in the Olympics,
ending a 44-game unbeaten streak. Jake was reading the comments about it, and
he was sick. He said they are really going after Megan Rapinoe because of her
voice and activism and now his head and stomach hurt.

 

See? The expectation of winning is way out of whack with what is physically
or emotionally healthy. And some were waiting for this loss to prove their
point.

 

Me: Welcome to the world of being a woman with a voice that has
the power to change things. They are looking for the fall to discredit the
truth and keep the status quo.

 

End All Patriarchy. Not just Christian Patriarchy.

Elsa says: No More! The gloves are off. 

Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE Is Jesus the Bible? This is a question that has come up recently on Twitter, and lots of convos are going on right now that are having me tap into my seminary education and personal experience to respond. First, I need to say that I do not believe the Bible is inerrant. That is a 19^th-century term used to justify slavery. There are a lot of resources backing up this statement too. Inerrancy also justifies sexism, but, for some reason, sexism seems to have always been allowed. So, me saying the Bible is not inerrant lets you know I do not think Jesus/God is the Bible. I do believe God is revealed through the writing of humans, then and now, and we see God’s character through stories and relationships. What is beautiful and true is God. God is love. I wrote a whole credo on this. Love is not as simple as good feelings that are subject to change at any moment, but a deep relationship that stands firm when nothing else does. What remains is what is true.   Here are some things some friends may not know or may not have known can be questioned. The gospels are beautiful, but there are problems. One problem is we do not have any writings from women and their experience with Jesus. Men wrote these stories. I am grateful for what we have but I grieve that women were not valued enough to have their work included. We know women informed a lot of these writings or their stories would not have made it in the story and be central to the story! But we miss their story all too often, because of patriarchy, as we read right over very significant encounters Jesus has with women as if the woman is the back story to the main story. If we do happen to realize a woman’s significant role (Rahab, Tamar, Mary Magdalene, Woman at the Well), all too often she is either unnamed or gets labeled a whore if the name cannot be erased. It is wrong and women are still fighting this rhetoric and ideology today. It is okay to condemn language in scripture that is used to subordinate people instead of liberate them. You can use scripture either way but know that the Exodus and Jesus’ life on earth supports liberation of the oppressed. Pastoral letters and other letters/writings are not the God we see revealed in the Exodus or Jesus. The gospel of John is a crowd favorite. I like Mark and John both for different reasons—maybe it is the human and divine that I get from both accounts—Mark, humanity and John, divinity. But let me talk about some problems even with these gospels starting with John. John retelling the creation story is brilliant, but he used λογός(Logos) instead of σοφία (Sophia): In the beginning was the Word, instead of in the beginning was Wisdom. This has led some to believe that means Jesus is scripture itself. We talked about this in my NT class because we are not afraid of hard conversations. My professor is male but aware that without women he would not have his faith. He brought to our attention that this might have been an attempt to erase women from the story. Why gender competition is a thing, none of us know for certain. But when life gets complicated women are blamed, called names, and erased. Nothing new under the sun. If more women were in positions of leadership in churches and public office in Texas, I do not believe we would be fighting the horrific battles we are fighting today in a state that is becoming more and more every day a place I no longer recognize at all. Λογός is a masculine word in the Greek language and so is θεός, God. While the gender of a word does not make it actually male or female, it has made it so in our vocabulary and in how we view God. Words matter. Masculine terms are almost 100% used when we talk about God in our churches worldwide. Father, Son, and Holy Spirit terminology is problematic for anyone but men to hear themselves created in the image of God. This is also why I do not like the creeds, one of the reasons—there is more I want to resist with the creeds but the time is not here yet. Σοφία takes us back to Proverbs 8, chokhmah, Hebrew word for wisdom—also feminine. In Matthew 11, I like Matthew because he uses Wisdom literature, Jesus refers to the list of prophets, including himself, as wisdom. “Wisdom will be vindicated by her deeds” (Matt 11:19). Mark is the least the problematic gospel when it comes to more generalized language. Antisemitism can come out of the gospels—people used the gospel of John to justify the Holocaust because of the words “The Jews” written the way it is. It was not the Jews, it was power–just like we are seeing in Christianity right now. We used the word Judeans in my NT class to make ourselves more aware of our language and how it has the power to cause irreparable harm. We must take responsibility and do the work to help create a better world. Be better friends. Christianity has some reparations to do here. The evangelist who wrote John was a Jew and that needs to be understood. The only Gentile gospel is Luke. I am not going into Luke today, but there are issues with the same thing—and women. Critical thinking and interrogation is essential when interpreting any text—not just scripture. Our words have spirit beyond what is written in the plain text, and they always have a context.  To critique Mark, as promised, Mark leaves a woman we are supposed to remember every time the good news is preached unnamed (Mark 14). Is the Bible hopelessly patriarchal? I do not know. I am living by the faith of our ancestors in scripture who wrote to find a way out of no way and believe it does not have to be the case in the world that is to come—on earth as it is in heaven. Is Jesus the Bible? No. God was around before scripture was even written. But scripture is a beautiful place to see how God has been at work in our history all throughout time. It gives us a common conversation when our lives are so different from one another to help us see each other in our present context more clearly. And to know that our joy and pain are all written in this book of life. It is a human story. The good, the ugly, and all the complexity that comes with what it means to be human is written in scripture. The past talks to the present, but the present does not serve the past. We keep following the story of God into more inclusion.

 

Yesterday, July 18, 2021, I preached my first ever in-person sermon. The experience was so much better than I ever imagined it would be, and the last possible thing I thought I would ever do in this life. I was shy, and in many ways I still am. It is far from easy. I would bolt if I felt like there was any life for me if I did. Rev. Dr. Freddy Haynes said our calling will lead us to the Garden of Gethsemane. We will want out. It takes serious praying and sweating blood to say yes to God. And there is a lot of frustration when the people you need the most in your life seem to be sleeping (disciples).

When I was fed up with women being pushed out of church leadership because I saw women’s experiences in political life did not matter, I was not looking to preach about it. But when I saw how awful some theobros were acting, I realized I might be called to it. Not what I was looking for. Actually, this is the one thing I did not want to do when I went to seminary. I told the congregation this yesterday, too. But I think I have a unique voice to speak into a moment that needs a voice like mine. I am not saying this to be self-aggrandizing. None of this happened because of anything I did other than respond to Jesus who I felt approach me in my moment of deepest grief and I wanted to live. I like how Bonhoeffer puts in his book, “Cost of Discipleship,” –Jesus comes to us by grace, but it is our job to say yes and go immediately where Jesus leads. I had to leave a lot of what I had always known to get to where I am today. And it is pure joy in this chaos. Relationship with God and humans are way deeper than I ever knew before.

I have been shocked by the response to my preaching, especially by people who are not in leadership. It has been received so well and they hear me. I have been thanked because I see people and give voice to the forgotten. I get critiqued more by people who have been doing it a while because I am not polished.

Now let me tell you a little about my sermon experience.

The reason I preached on Mark 14, “The Anointing at Bethany,” is because this story is a story that speaks to our place and time. It is about a deeper seeing and knowing. I am a 4 on the enneagram and we get a bad rap for wanting to be unique and out of the box. This is a mischaracterization of 4s. Yes, 4s want to feel special (don’t we all), but it is not just for us—it is for everybody. Most 4s I know grew up feeling unseen and over-criticized. And this is what I am seeing happening in our society too. We are talking over each other and not listening. Or if we do hear, we are not letting it hit our heart to hear the deeper cry/joy and respond in solidarity. I share my story so others will too. We do not know our stories apart from each other. There is life on the other side of pain. Healing is hard work. It can feel violent. This is the story of the cross—death, then life. First the pain, then the rising as Glennon Doyle says. This is what the future of the church is going to look like. There is so much spiritual trauma because we never learned how to be human. We have been a used and abused people working so hard for the money and the win to prove our worth. We do not rest and the earth is not getting any rest from it. Bad combo.

I wish my live sermon is the one that was on YouTube. It is better with new insights I did not have when I recorded it. But my recorded sermon was on the same day I had a serious anxiety attack. I am proud of myself. I am learning to cope with the mental health issues I face, and it is because I have done (and still doing) the hard work to learn to live with it and let it benefit me instead of hinder me. But I could not do this without my community. A community that saw me and has loved me beyond what I can do for them. They want me whole and well first and foremost. They are true friends. Wilshire is the first place I walked into where I did not feel like I was competing with anybody. I found myself never wanting to leave Wilshire when I got there because it was a place that felt like relief for the first time that was not my backyard. Now there are people who I can see and hug and feel the love of God in the same way I felt God loving me back together in my backyard. This experience is why I said yes to seminary and now I am saying yes to preaching.

I have two significant insights that came to me after the recording. The broken candle was God and science. God is science too. I needed a story to help me illustrate what I wanted to focus on in Mark-the woman breaking the jar and the oil spilling everywhere. Mark is the only gospel that talks about the jar breaking and how much it cost. My candle breaking gave me the shock (the crowd reaction), then I was transported into the story watching my candle wax flow all over the table onto the ground. This was a vision of radical faith in God–it looks like breaking and waste, but it is turning into an overflow of abundance.

The breaking is also science because the breaking can be explained by the heat outside and glass expands in the heat. But isn’t the ordinary here to be used by God? I am sure the bush Moses saw was normally seen as an ordinary bush. He just saw it differently that day because God was trying to get his attention and he was paying attention in that moment. I related this to getting a vaccine in a time Covid is here. God did not send us Covid. God sends us life. A vaccine is an avenue towards life. Ordinary life is the miracle that can lead us to abundant life.

Then, the morning of my sermon, I was listening to Glennon’s podcast, “We Can Do Hard Things,” again. She said there is something about breaking that invites us to be fully human. That was the perfect quote I needed to describe what I believe was happening to the woman. She was breaking in a culture of death–the jar represented her breaking. But she saw the life that was in Jesus and knew it was fleeting moment she would see him face-to-face, but that fleeting moment was abundance. The crowd scoffed and Jesus told them to leave her alone. Jesus, man, he is the best. We need Jesus to scream to the whole world right now: LEAVE HER ALONE. SHE HAS DONE A GOOD THING FOR ME! Jesus sees women. There has not been a discipleship problem with women. Women have been consistently choosing life. Old Testament and New. Hebrew and Egyptian women were choosing life. Without women, there would be no Exodus. Mary and this unnamed woman in Mark are two examples of where women were saying yes to God in impossible circumstances. They are representing the human response to God and reminding us that it is good to be human. Jesus reveals that God wants to be in deep relationship with us and include us in the good news story that will remember us every time the gospel is preached. This woman represents humanity. Our experiences are part of what it means to be human. We speak both the joy and the pain and find life.

When I got to the church and let them know I was nervous. One of the ladies there told me this: Don’t be nervous. We are country folk. We just want you to speak in a language we understand. I can do that. I also remember what it is like to be laity and the knowledge many of us are denied because people more educated think it is common knowledge. It is not. I was talking to one of my other friends the other day and she told me this: This sounds new to me. Maybe we always knew this, but it sounds new to me. Yes! I feel like we are in an Amos 8:11 moment. We have been in a famine from hearing the words of the Lord, but these words are breaking in now and making us tell the truth. The truth about our Christian history and the truth about our American history. There are people’s experiences missing from the story we have telling. And it is okay to feel things about having to change the story as we once knew it to include the missing stories. Feelings, all of them, are okay and information to learn from too. Denying truth is the rot. I received so many hugs and encouragement after that sermon. I will never forget it as long as I live.

People have poured their wisdom into me to make yesterday possible. I quoted so many people, talked about my church, school, and friends. By working with Doug Haney, I learned how to sing a little bit and I sang this song out loud on my way there to work on my voice for preaching. Of course it is Elsa, “Show Yourself.” These are just some of the lyrics.

I’ve never felt so certain
All my life I’ve been torn
But I’m here for a reason
Could it be the reason I was born?
I have always been so different
Normal rules did not apply
Is this the day?
Are you the way?
I finally find out why!

Show yourself
I’m no longer trembling
Here I am
I’ve come so far
You are the answer I’ve waited for
All of my life
Oh, show yourself
Let me see who you are

I’ve never felt so certain
All my life I’ve been torn
But I’m here for a reason
Could it be the reason I was born?
I have always been so different
Normal rules did not apply
Is this the day?
Are you the way?
I finally find out why!

Show yourself
I’m no longer trembling
Here I am
I’ve come so far
You are the answer I’ve waited for
All of my life
Oh, show yourself
Let me see who you are

Then Ashley Robinson sent me a song called “Rainbow” by Kesha. These words.

“I can’t lose hope, what’s left of my heart’s still made of gold”

Twice this week I have woken up before 4 AM. The first time was in a severe anxiety attack but I have the tools to calm it quicker than I used to. Just cannot return to sleep after it happens. The second time, this morning, I am a lot more at peace. I find I love this time of day. I have written several FB posts that I want to put into this blog so I am copying and pasting them. Don’t judge the grammar and edits. I like FB for the freedom from all of that. 🙂

July 14, 2021

I woke up having an anxiety attack this morning. I have a sermon to record today and I have all the feelings about it. I woke up at 3:30 with my heart racing so I knew sleep was over at this point, so I came outside where my anxiety has always been held gently. I listened to @glennondoyle ‘a podcast: We Can Do Hard Things. I watched the sunrise. Looked at my beautiful butterfly solar light and saw a sweet spider hanging seemingly in midair on a web I couldn’t see without the spider bc I ran right into it later. Ugh! Sorry, spider. Listening to Glennon felt like going back to my earlier days when my world was not necessarily simpler but certainly different. She’s comfort to me. Now I know why I connect to her so much. We both have anxiety and depression. She’s right it’s like being Tigger and Eeyore every day. We fear losing people all the time and sometimes that anxiety sends us into high alert and we can’t move and what we are processing isn’t necessarily true. Neurotypical usually experience stress that matches the situation; we do not. I also had never thought about how we’ve conditioned ourselves to believe that our anxiety is how we experience love. Then she got to this part. It’s true we are going to lose each other at some point. We may fail or get hurt, but we let life happen anyway. We can do the hard things. I can preach this sermon.This love is so beautiful and so real….so stay and breathe.

July 13, 2021

Something I learned yesterday as I was struggling to write this sermon, and I’m even using one of my sermons from school but it has completely changed—It’s a completely new sermon, I can use an app and transcribe my natural flow of thoughts. It’s way different than what I wrote down. I’m going to check this to my sermon notes. But the funniest thing happened. Well, two things. Jake came out at the very end of my recording to tell me something. He did not know I was still recording, although done. He said: All right! . Now all right is listed at the bottom of my sermon. Much better than Amen, I think. Lol. Then my candle randomly broke and the candle wax pouring onto the floor. Several thoughts come to mind since this candle is Frankincense and myrrh: 1) mic drop from Jesus. (I like this one) 2) Did I break Jesus’ toys . (Don’t like) 3) or is the candle breaking an actual visual of the jar breaking by the unnamed woman we are supposed to remember?!

July 15, 2021

Here’s the wax still on my table today from the day my candle randomly broke post-sermon practice. (It didn’t fall. It just busted open from the side- and that has a lot of theological reflection in and of itself). I’ve gotten lots of amazing feedback about the spooky cool occurrence, but today I’m looking at the wax on the table and laughing. Doesn’t this look like a footprint on the beach. Only one. God is carrying me on one foot. . The wax on the ground makes me think of the crowd yelling: why this waste! My candle is reminding me nothing is ever wasted and I’m keeping it forever.

July 15, 2021

The effects of an anxiety attack hits the hardest the day after. Of course I worked so hard yesterday not to feel it. I feel it today. My body feels like complete deadweight today. Glad I have two days to recover for Sunday.

July 15, 2021

Watching “Raya and the Last Dragon” with this dude. We are 10 min in and blake said: “Wow, he is just saying everything the Bible says” (Ba). I stopped everything to enjoy Blake noticing Bible wisdom that is in everything. Earlier I told him I wanted to watch Patch Adams again (joking, sort of). I told him that movie guides my life. I want to be PA. Blake: except for the flashing party. Y’all, Blake’s watched the movie once, me-lost count. I think of the wisdom, never the flashing. He’s 13 after all.

July 16, 2021

It is another 4 AM morning, but at least no anxiety or panic attack this time. I went to bed at 10 PM last night and am feeling a sense of calm this morning. I am also finding myself better able to relax at 4 AM than any other time of day I am awake. I am laying outside on my gym mat and listening to an annoying bug buzzing-I think it is a locust. . My dogs are next to me and the breeze is nice. On Wednesday I was overcome with nerves about recording my sermon, way more anxious about that than I am for Sunday. It is probably b/c the recording is what people will see online. I am ready for the conversation in person where I think I settle better. Doing a recording I am trying to be so perfect and it never is perfect, so I finally just sent the damn thing. Good for my soul.I talked to my therapist, thankfully I had a session with her on the morning of my anxiety attack, about how the recording is making me the most anxious. She kept prodding me as to why b/c my breath was definitely different about the recording than the actual preaching in the pulpit. She finally got me to say that I am nervous about people I know watching the sermon. My world is full of amazing preachers and I am nervous to show who I am. And no one in my world is making me feel this way but me. My therapist and I both know this and are working on it. Then, yesterday, a story came to me through my amazing friends on Twitter that made me feel so much better. God seems to care how I feel even when it is full of things that are not true. In Acts 20 Paul preached a sermon that was so boring and long a boy named Eutychus fell asleep. He was sitting in a window and fell to the ground three floors down and died. Paul goes to him and says he is not dead and then goes back to preaching. Okay, I am quite certain that my experience will be nothing like that. Pressure off. LOL

July 16, 2021 Post #2

Also, I have been thinking about the opening for my sermon–the candle that broke. I knew it was science that caused it, but this was a moment that science and faith work together so well. I did not think about this for my recording, but I think I will say it on Sunday in person. We could look at the candle breaking and say it was heat and nothing out of the ordinary. We could ignore science and call it a mystical experience and take power away from the ordinary. Why can it not be both? Both explanations by themselves lack a deeper seeing/knowing. And honestly, kind of boring by themselves. One of my friend’s dad once said that God is science too. The timing of the breaking and how it broke was so illustrative of the story I was telling. First I was shocked, then felt like my fave candle was wasted, then I saw the wax pouring out all over the table and the ground and felt like I was in the story with the woman and Jesus at that moment. Why this is important. Last night watching “Raya and the Last Dragon” with Blake, Sisu who is a dragon became a human for a bit. She noticed it is really hard being a human. Raya said the world is broken and you can’t trust anybody. Sisu said: I think that is why it is so hard–b/c you don’t trust each other.

Blake: #blakeisdom That is deep

Me: Truly. This is what I am working on in my own life.

Science and religion have been at odds for far too long. I am glad to know in our Baptist history there have been professors saying that faith is experiential and it is not stuck in time. Our faith is better served when it is formed by the revelations of science. Science has not figured out everything there is to know. Faith is our trust in something more (I call it God). This makes me think about vaccines. How we are an under-vaccinated society with the means to get the vaccine (a whole other discussion on wealth and distribution) and too many said no. We do not trust the vaccine. This lack of trust has made the world harder. More people are going to die and new Covid cases are on the rise. Lack of trust has serious consequences. Your religious beliefs do not exempt you from what is actually happening on the ground on planet earth. Science and faith go hand in hand.

The SBC Convention is happening this week and it is a mess. The world’s largest denomination has revealed who it is “beyond a reasonable doubt.” I have been asked if I have ever thought about being a lawyer and I did briefly when I saw the massive injustice happening in soccer and church, but I ended up in seminary instead. I am using this picture of me in my Mutiny jacket because SBC ultra-right-wing conservatives used a pirate flag to signal they are taking back the ship at this convention; more like sinking it. I cannot make this stuff up. It is also wild I started using pirate language first! This Mutiny jacket is from our soccer club we were a part of a few years back. I have written about it extensively, so no more in this post, but in March 2020 I started using what was once our soccer slogan against the complementarian church that is abusing women and children: Start a Mutiny! We also cannot forget the SBC’s unapologetic racism: Start a Mutiny! Resistance to CRT and any move to change our American systems are met with fierce resistance, and they are even taking over our public-school boards to prevent it from being taught there too! In the words of James Baldwin, and a great book written by Robert P. Jones, the SBC has been “white too long.”

The SBC must be trolling me with the pirate flags I keep saying. I know that is not true, they could not care less about me, but I do think Holy Spirit is in this chaos bringing a little humor. She does care about me. I find God in humor, too. She cares about the SBC too, but they are blaspheming her. They are refusing to investigate abuse that is rampant and systematically happening in their organization but are bringing up the motion to remove Saddleback Church for ordaining three women who have been on staff for years and are still under an all-male eldership. I am going to copy my Twitter thread from this point on to explain why I am sounding the alarm on complementarian church and our win-at-all-cost culture. What is happening in church is also happening in culture, and church is driving it, not the other way around.  

“The SBC had me going yesterday. I get chatty when my trauma is starting to kick in. I was going to say more last night, but I was tired and went to bed really early. Before 10. Go me. Now I am up at 4:30 but feeling good and with more clarity about what I want to say.

The SBC may have avoided electing an extremely far-right pastor, and I am glad that it did not happen, but the SBC has so many problems. The refusal to investigate abuse is the biggest red flag. & I say this knowing the investigations may not help get justice–I will get to that.

The SBC pulls the church autonomy card when abuse is on the table, but then becomes all about controlling churches when women are ordained. And they proved my point, the discussion about removing Saddleback came up b/c they ordained 3 female pastors. So which is it SBC?

This is why I am saying being Baptist and being Calvinist are incompatible. You cannot believe in the separation of church and state and believe the state is also subordinate to the church. This is how they are carrying this out with women. Women and children’s abuse is the separation and the ordination of women is the need to pull the subordination card. Here is a quote by Ed Litton about Saddleback: “Without hesitation or reservation I am a complementarian and I wholeheartedly affirm the BF&M 2000. The Bible clearly teaches that the office of pastor is reserved only for qualified men, and I also want to encourage my sisters in Christ to be equipped, using every gift God has given them for the church and its mission with the Gospel.” Litton may be better than Stone, but he is not great. They quote BFM2K, not scripture when spouting this BS: separate but equal is the message. Hey SBC, do you know what is really not okay with God: abusing women and children. I do not know where you get that God does not want to hear from women. We clearly are not serving the same God.

Here is JD Greear’s response: “long respected Saddleback’s ministry impact and heart for getting the Gospel to the nations, I disagree with their decision to take this step, and would even say I find it disappointing.”

I am sounding the alarm because the SBC, the world’s largest denom, is not safe for women and children or BIPOC. Hello! They are also resisting CRT, but tell me again why the most important thing is to kick out Saddleback? I am so tired of hearing the multitude of gifts women have only to then say but the role of pastor belongs to male. It is because of what is written in the BFM2000. Again, that is very un-Baptist. Baptists are non-creedal. You are quoting a creed to make it so, not truth. & I do not use scripture to prove someone’s worth. A pastor from the Table in OKC said it best (he is a gay pastor–something I haven’t gotten to yet): He is tired of explaining scripture to people about why it is okay to be gay and a pastor/Christian. That gets exhausting even though he is doing what he loves, preaching the word. Here is why it is exhausting: It is exhausting using scripture to justify our existence. Here is what he said: Love needs NO justification. Inclusion needs NO justification. You know what needs justification? Hate. Only hate asks for justification.

Hate has been named love in the SBC. Their desire to exclude and call it the word of God–they quote BFM2K, mind you–is blasphemy. That will divide the house b/c they are not allowing the Holy Spirit to work. They call her a demon instead. (Mark 3). I am quoting scripture.

Now back to investigating abuse. I am familiar with abuse personally and in an organization. I watched my daughter being groomed by our son’s coach, a man we let in as family. I was figuring out what to do to pull away when the claim came in. I knew it was true and I was devastated for so many reasons. I will not go into all the details I have rehashed it so many times and it retraumatizes me. This is why I am doing EMDR therapy. My therapist keeps telling me I did do something when I knew–I was making plans to pull away and get people safe. Soccer did investigate this at least. The problem is the abuser often knows how to do this and not get caught. The justice system does not take into account wisdom, only if there is clear evidence. So, abusers often walk away, and not even a background check is going to catch it b/c it is not on their record. They have to wait for a multitude of claims before they take a claim that cannot be proven seriously. A child cried out, and the system failed. But I did not fail the child or the children. I sounded the alarm, but people chose not to believe me. No one wanted to lose. We cannot trust systems to come through for us. Wisdom, when she is crying in the street, is asking us to listen to her.

The SBC is not safe. It will not even attempt to investigate abuse. No woman or child should step foot in any of their churches. Or any complementarian church. Catholic Church and smaller churches with the same theology are not off the hook. Staying somewhere that believes there is a hierarchy of people is going to be abusive. It is spiritually abusive from the get-go. The SBC can use scripture this way if they want–the problem is it makes the gospel bad news. JD Greear’s outgoing speech was full of antisemitic rhetoric. He would know this if he would listen. That is my biggest complaint with the supposed “good” people of the SBC. Even they will not listen. They have this doctrine of hell that scares them to veer off the path of their certainty. Not even abuse will shake it.

They also fear liberalism. All I can say is this: Today is a great day to be egalitarian and a liberal. Glory to God.“

Dear Russell Moore,

I do not expect you will read this letter, but I hope someone who knows you will. First, let me send my heartfelt gratitude for the work you have done in the SBC and now are finally leaving, as you should. I feel the pain in your words describing what you have experienced psychologically in an abusive organization. I hope you get therapy to deal with it. Once you leave you will start feeling the wounds more and more as you heal being away from the abuse. You will need a good support group and a therapist. Healing is holy work, but it can also feel violent. You have endured a lot of abuse and your ability to smile and pretend like everything is okay is exactly what trauma survivors do to get by until they are safe. A lot of people you once trusted and loved with all your heart have turned out not to be who you thought they were. The relationship and the work you were doing for the SBC was not happening as a whole, because the SBC has been about power–and this has been true for a long time. I, too, have experienced this betrayal and shock–mine just does not make religion news. I would like to share with you my story and to also plead with you to reconsider some of the stances you hold because you believe in the doctrine of hell. Psychologically that is a very bad doctrine that creates hell, not heaven, on earth. That doctrine you hold will need to be deconstructed to be part of your healing work.

I need to start off by saying this is Pride Month. I am a bit frustrated you are getting so much attention at the start of this extremely important month. You have worked tirelessly against the rights of the LGBTQIA+ community, and I suspect this comes from believing in hell. You made it clear you care about justice because of hell, not because you believe in human flourishing. Human flourishing is a different approach, and it changes the way one sees the world when it becomes about life and not hell. You said this about abortion and racial reconciliation, and I will to get to those next. You signed the Nashville Statement when Houston and Florida were under water because of hurricanes. What made that seem like a good idea when our nation was experiencing trauma? You went after the precious lives of our siblings who are made in the image of God and were (and still are) my healers when I almost left the church completely. Like you, I saw the abuse and the resistance to meaningful change because money was getting the last word, not the truth which protects the vulnerable. I saw people rally behind a sexual predator white nationalist and treat the LGBTQIA+ community and women like they were the threat instead. You said you smiled and wanted “the lost” (another term we need to rethink) to not know about this stuff and associate it with Jesus. You did not want them to leave tired and defeated not believing in God. Well, that would have been the safest thing for so many. I left, and God pursued me. The LGBTQIA+ community helped me piece myself back together and find church again. When I looked for a church home to return to, I would not enter a church if the lives of the LGBTQIA+ community was not fully valued and welcomed at the table, same for women. Letting people leave can be the greatest act of love and protection. Jesus will find the lost sheep, and it is not because they were lost because they did not know God, but because they are deeply wounded and God cares about that. My journey led me to a Baptist church, but not that kind of Baptist.

I grew up in the Church of Christ tradition and loved it. But looking back now, I remember things that were troubling for me as a girl/woman in a complementarian church. Of course, it did not have that name then, we just made sure women were not preachers or elders because god forbid a woman make a decision in church. The patriarchy would crumble. I am not one who likes to stand up and speak, but one time after a mission trip I really wanted to and I was blocked because I was a girl. I had never been so angry at the church in my life. I had something in my heart that I wanted to share but my gender prevented that from happening. Why are so many people participating in churches that do this to our girls? This is why women and children are abused at such a high rate in the SBC and the Catholic church–and smaller churches like Church of Christ that do not typically make national headlines. As you reported the misogyny is fierce in the SBC. The racist remark against Tricia Newbell was because they feared an egalitarian woman and believed she was one because she is black. It is gross and reveals what they think about women. I am trying to raise the red flag about how serious this is. You mentioned Lottie Moon and Annie Armstrong. They are two women who are influential and did amazing work for the flourishing of life through our Baptist tradition locally and worldwide–work men were not willing to do. Both of them believed in patriarchy, though, and this is probably why they are remembered and Nannie Helen Burroughs is not.

White and black women, both, created women’s societies because they were blocked by men. The SBC most viciously blocked women. The cruelty towards women is not new in the SBC, especially toward black women. Annie Armstrong did a lot of great work, but she also worked against women preaching and agreed their women’s society would be subordinate to the SBC convention. The women who were better fundraisers and doing the social justice work necessary to keep the faith as tangible good news to the community, became subordinate to men not only in personhood but organizationally too. Nannie Helen Burroughs said no, though. She is the woman most responsible for changing the status of women in African-American Baptist life. She gave an impactful speech at the Women’s Convention: “How the Sisters are Hindered from Helping.” The NBCUSA wanted the WC to become one of it’s boards and Nannie Helen Burroughs said no. She was not going to risk their organization coming under control of men who had resisted their participation. She did a lot more amazing work, and I suggest Baptists learn more about Nannie Helen Burroughs, in addition to the women you have already mentioned. Women are the ones who have been doing the social justice work and receiving little to no credit, and definitely no official titles.

Now let’s talk about the abortion debate. Russell, I implore you to reconsider this argument you keep making that is not rooted in facts. I called the pregnancy center that Prestonwood Baptist runs a few months ago to see what kind of help they offer women–prevention or women’s healthcare. Zero! They are trying to take out Planned Parenthood who does offer education to help prevent unwanted pregnancies, pass out birth control, and give necessary medical care for women in need. All Prestonwood Baptist Pregnancy Center does is offer an ultrasound and pregnancy tests. This is not prolife by any stretch of the imagination. They also do not offer licensed therapy for women who are experiencing trauma. They give unsolicited spiritual advise that can be deadly used this way. This needs to be taken seriously. Plus, abortions are lower when they are legal. There are so many reasons they happen, and they are not the reasons you push in your argument because you fear hell. I am begging you and your community to listen and rethink. We need to create a culture that trusts women. Texas is passing such extreme policies and it is to prevent women from voting. If we can make women felons, then women can’t vote. This will affect the poor most significantly, and guess who just happens to be the largest population of the poor community?

Russell, I am coming to you not because I believe in hell, but because I believe in heaven. Oh, I am probably considered a liberal and I will just own it. I love living life wide open and full of love. I trust people when they say they are hurt. I just realized, in this very moment, that the moment that made me so angry as a teen in church is being redeemed. The pulpit is being offered to me now to speak–not to speak from fear or obligation, but out of my abundance. The same feeling I had that day as a teen when I wanted to speak to my church about what I had seen. This is also happening in Baptist life. The SBC is not the whole story. I hope you will hear me in some way and join the family story. You are just like all of us, we do not know a whole lot, but we know what we were doing before is not/was not working anymore.

Praying for you. I know there is a lot of healing work to be done. I am holding space in my heart for you as you go and heal.

Many people I know watched the show “19 Kids and Counting.” The excitement was palpable because there was another show out demonstrating Christian values to the masses. I will be honest, I have always been skeptical of this version of Christian values. I did not understand “Duck Dynasty” either. I picked up quickly in all of these shows women were controlled, and now I know our society thinks that is holy. It will not be worded this way, but the fact is our abuse is loud and clear and instead of working towards our liberation, churches that have women subordinated currently are working harder to apply our submission to our husbands better. They are also digging their heals in that we still cannot preach. It cannot be complementarian theology causing this problem too many are saying; it has to be those who are applying it badly. Unfortunately, there just happens to be a lot of people applying it badly. I remember this sticking out to me in the show “Jon and Kate Plus Eight”. Kate seemed so unhappy, and her anger is what people noticed and judgements were made about her. I am not going to speculate on details, but I know what is happening to women in these situations is far deeper than what we are seeing and judging from the surface. Spiritual language distracts us from human suffering. This is not a few bad apples. This is a rotten tree. Read Mark 11 and you will get an idea of what Jesus thinks of this tree.

Josh Duggar, it was not unknown that he had a problem. He abused his sisters, and they went unprotected by this abuse. They locked the girls door and never got his abuse addressed when they had a better chance of handling it before it continued to grow and get worse. Although, it was terrible back then, and I have something to say about that in a minute. The Duggar family placed blame on girls and women for our abuse. And this is common, not unique to them, and even more common in their type of family system. I am learning the family had code words for when women walked by who were not modestly dressed enough by their standards. The girls would say the word and then the family would look down and keep moving. This is how women get viewed as the enemy and the ones causing our own abuse. This is also why women do not trust each other. We have been taught not to. We have also been taught not to trust ourselves. This is why white evangelical women have been so effective and instrumental in keeping patriarchy alive. (I am saying white because this is coming out of the white evangelical church, but patriarchy is worldwide and is sinful everywhere it presides)

Okay, I have a story that I have been holding back. It is not my family, but a family friend’s (former friend) son. I needed this story to not be a big deal because I feel like I have shared so much abuse. I hate there is more, and I really do not want to talk about it. I am going to be as vague as possible because I still need to talk to my therapist about this. But this story will not let me go. Child abuse is so prevalent in our society and it is going unaddressed because we say kids are resilient. It is coming out of church at an alarming rate, and I can also testify it is coming out of youth sports too. The desire to not have to deal with hard things and keep on winning trumps dealing with sin. I use this wording with purpose because the election of Trump revealed how much Christians are willing to overlook to get to whatever ends they are trying to get to–even when people are saying you are hurting me (physically and spiritually) with that viewpoint. Would you please listen? Church and society, both, are suspicious of the abused and have grace for the abuser. This is why God is with the oppressed. No one else wants to sit with them and believe their stories.

In elementary school a friend from a place we used to live came to visit us with his family. We were really young, I think it was third grade, and he took me into a closet one night and started touching me. I hated it and had no words to say how scared I was. I did not know how to tell him to stop because it was so shocking, and I did not want to be mean. I look back at this moment now and cry for all I went through as a child. I tried to play by the rules and be pleasing. I had no self-esteem because I learned in church women were the ones who lead men astray. I know churches with the best of intentions with complementarian theology would deny they send this message, but they do. We know as young as third grade, and even in first grade with my teach who abused me physically and mentally, that no one will believe us. We have to keep looking down and keep going. Somehow we are complicit so just believe that instead. It happened to me again later in youth group. The boy was eventually found out because he did it to so many girls, but nothing happened to him. The church, as a whole, will not look into their own complicity with harmful theology and environments that discourages the victim and encourages the one who abuses-even when it is a child who is doing the abusing. Josh Duggar represents what is happening in so many places and it goes unaddressed and gets worse. I am not even addressing the fact there is child porn in this blog post. There is no such thing. That is child abuse, and it is vile.

We need a world with a healing touch. Despite all I have been through I love hugs from people who care. I have been yearning for this kindness to envelop me and make me feel whole again. I need to cry and tell you all of this hurt. I want to live and trust again, but I need help. Of course, I have always been whole. The wounds, and churches’ messaging, were telling me I was broken. But I am not someone to be suspicious of, and I am not broken. I have worked hard to create a safe environment, for myself and everyone around me, and I promote a message of love as the only way to heal. But that does not mean women and children will always be pleasing. We have some really hard things to say, and we need a safe place to say it. I cannot forget the little girl crying in her closet with nowhere to go. This is why God became my playmate when I needed a friend.

This past week has been so traumatic, and it is all real. The nation, state and city are all a mess. Our rugged individualism and greed is raging and stealing our hearts. As I am grounding in the reality as it is, not how I want it to be, I am realizing I am going to have to learn how to trust people in this world despite what I see. But I have to do some of my own healing work, like address my own suffering, so I can do that. Here are some stories I wrote on Facebook that I want to put in my blog to remember. I feel like God is wanting me to spotlight how harmful our childhood wounds are when they go unaddressed. Our winning society is destroying children. Winning is not worth the sacrifice of children, but are not a society that has viewed children as fully human yet. Here are some things I have lived through, and it has left a lasting scar that still opens up and bleeds.

3-6-21

Today I am still deep in grief. This feels like 2016, but even more surreal because now I feel the effects of 2016. Anna’s song (Frozen II) is singing loudly in my heart and mind:

I follow you around

I always have

But you’ve gone to a place I cannot find

This grief has a gravityIt pulls me down

But a tiny voice whispers in my mind”

You are lost, hope is gone

But you must go on

And do the next right thing”

So, I am getting out of bed to study. A thought came to me that I feel ready to share: I hide behind the scenes because I have been relentlessly scored by my performance my whole life. The critique I received Gymnastics, as a child, was cruel. Children do not know their worth instinctively. It has to be taught. Being ostracized when I could not stick a beam routine (in practice!) by being ignored and then forced to tell my team publicly how many routines I stuck that day was humiliating. And the coach intended for it to be humiliating. Then to be criticized for weight, and we all worshipped Bela Karolyi. It is so weird to me to see him for who he really is now. Just like everything else that is falling apart for me. I thought it was me. I thought I was not good enough or mentally strong enough. I was in MIDDLE SCHOOL. I did not hear it was not me until I was 42 years old when “Athlete A” documentary came out.

Yes, this is liberation, but even liberation can be traumatic.

Then soccer. Oh friends, start telling your kids they are worth more than those wins. And the cruel yelling by parents and coaches at kids as young as 8 is sinful. This is the most recent painful event that happened right before going to Wilshire. I will not rehash it because I am trying to heal. I can talk about gymnastics from the scar and not the wound. Not there yet with soccer. But once again I was left with judged motives that were false, and my friends really did place these judgements on me (not in my head). And when we were not giving people what they wanted, they had no more use for us. This is hard to navigate. I am not used to leaning into a world that will love me no matter what I produce. The critique is trying to make a good thing better. That switch does not flip immediately when safe, even after several years. I have no solutions to this problem that are quick. I am not advocating to not critique or to not push someone harder. But in a nation that loves winning, it might do us all some good to reflect on how our messages will be received–even if it is not our intent. This may be the call I have going forward. I see way too many stressed about grades instead of enjoying the journey of learning. It truly does break the cycle of joy. And as someone desperately looking to find joy again, it is another challenge for me to work through. I am grateful to be in a place, church and school, that is navigating it with me. No one has given up on me, and maybe that is what I needed to see also. I am just now getting this as I am writing.

You are worthy. No one wants you to be anything other than who you are. When we find the right people, we want to make each other better–not throw each other away.

3-6-21 Part 11

Writing about my gymnastics experience and our love of Bela Karolyi and his wife, Marta, another memory popped up that Reinforces what I’ve been saying about our idol of winning. I have a book written by Bela and signed by Marta. I put it away trying to decide if I throw it away or let it be what it was and what it is now. If you don’t know already, I went to Bart Conners gym. I held his 1984 Olympic gold medal, and that meant zero percent to me bc I was 7 . I was there when Nadia defected to the USA and found Bart Conner. Bart and Nadia lived in my neighborhood and had a gymnast on their gate. I was obsessed. I have flown on an airplane with Kerri Strug and talked to her the whole plane ride. I learned how difficult it was at Dynamo Gymnastics in Edmond, OK with Steve Nunno, too (Shannon Miller’s coach). Keri did not stay, going back to Karolyi was better for her. Just saying, it’s not just Karolyi.There were gymnasts who complained about Karolyi long long before now. It was not completely unknown he was an abuser. The only thing is, no one wants to hold an abuser accountable who wins. He made USA women’s gymnastics the most popular sport and it was, and is, big money. One gymnast crying out who was a bit more popular than the unknowns caused Mary Lou Retton to speak up. And here is what she said: Funny, you don’t hear winners complaining. I Kid you not. And if you read her book, she ran away bc of his abuse. He had to go back and get her and flatter her to come back. Classic abuser. And she was a teen, a kid. My experience is with gymnastics, but this culture is everywhere. I understand I can’t fix the problem. But let’s start shining a light and make competition and learning anything a positive thing. Winning is over-rated. What’s the story about it is what’s interesting.

The Karolyis’ aren’t getting around their complicity with Larry Nassar. I do not expect their Ranch to ever open again under their name.

3-7-21

The stories I am sharing are starting to make me feel alive again. I am sharing stories that I can relive and come back to the present quickly. I am recognizing more clearly the stories that are not ready to be shared by the way they send me into deep depression with no way out until I message my mentors, and they are always there to get me back to shore. I am still astounded by this group of friends I have surrounding me now. Words will never be enough to express the gratitude and love I feel every day for the gift of true friendship.I woke up this morning feeling like God is telling me to shine a lot on how we are treating our children. We think our words and actions have no effect on them, especially if we are praising them for winning, but God sees what winning hides. Seminary is revealing I have major anxiety with grades. I have not made anything below a B on anything, and I often feel like a failure. It is not the feedback that does it, it is the grade. Let me tell you what I am discovering. Yesterday, I told you about gymnastics. Today I want to talk about school–specifically, first grade. I am not sharing anything that I have not already processed with my therapist and my team. Here is one of the worst examples revealing I have a real problem- I got an A on a paper and it still was not good enough. It was not the feedback that made me feel that way, it was the way it was rated. I scored off the charts on everything except one thing and that one thing was a failing grade. I got an A on the paper, lots of good feedback, but I saw one thing that read as failure to me and that is all I believed about that paper. Had it just been stated I need to work a lot more in this area, I would have heard it differently–ratings are what take me down. I believe that is gymnastics and being scored for performances. My best was never good enough. It was a gift according to my coach if I got an 8.5. I can believe the 6.5 on beam where I fell twice, though. What I was told is I can believe my failure is real and where I do well is just a gift that I should not get used to. When you hear that at twelve, that does something to you psychologically. Now to first grade. I did not learn how to read in Kindergarten. I went to part-time Kindergarten in Texas, and we got to play a lot. I think that is wise. I learned how to play with other, compromise, and have fun! But when I moved to Oklahoma I was behind being the only first grader who could not read yet. I was put in the lowest reading group, and I was fine with that. I did not know to feel shame about it, so that is good. It is the message that gets sent later. My teacher was a male, and if I had to guess needed medication for his rage problem, and never to be around children, ever. A man with a rage problem teaching first graders is not a good combo. He asked me to read a word out loud in class one day, and I did not know how to say it. The word was “need”. He was so frustrated that I could not read such a simple word that he grabbed me by my arms and held me in the air. I was crying really hard and finally got the word need out. It was so scary. I have no idea why he could not move on to the next person. There was also a time I was filling in the a calendar. I was completing January and could not remember when to stop. I knew putting in 32 did not sound right, but I could not figure out why it did not seem right at the time. I went to the teacher to have him look over my work, and while I was in line I saw the calendar and realized my mistake so I went to sit back down and correct it. He yelled my name to come back. I do not get to look at the calendar and then go change my work. It was humiliating. He made me feel like a cheater. This is the last example because there are so many. We are not protecting our children, friends. Being in the lowest reading group I knew I wanted to do better. There was one book I could not wait to get to. This book was yellow and green with a giant caterpillar on it. I can’t remember the name, but the design of the book made me want to learn. When the time came, and I was one book away from that one, I had a really hard day finishing reading the book before it. My peers had a hard time too. He went on ahead and passed us letting us get to the book I really wanted, and I was so excited–but then he said this: Don’t be too excited. You did awful. So this, friends, will mess with kids psychologically, and it continues into adulthood. I have been trying to hide every since. I learned that I better know my stuff so I don’t get humiliated. It was not for the love of learning. I was enjoying myself when I was trying, but then the abuse (not critique) came and it almost destroyed me. I became vigilant about school to survive, not for the love of learning. By the way, I know how to read. My grammar and editing are less than stellar, but we have editors for that. We do not have to know everything. We are all here to help each other. That is way more fun and allows me to learn so much more to live, not to avoid dying.I want to hug her now and tell her she will love school again. There will be nice people later that really will want what is best for her and not humiliate her for what she does not know.

The stories I am sharing are starting to make me feel alive again. I am sharing stories that I can relive and come back to the present quickly. I am recognizing more clearly the stories that are not ready to be shared by the way they send me into deep depression with no way out until I message my mentors, and they are always there to get me back to shore. I am still astounded by this group of friends I have surrounding me now. Words will never be enough to express the gratitude and love I feel every day for the gift of true friendship.I woke up this morning feeling like God is telling me to shine a lot on how we are treating our children. We think our words and actions have no effect on them, especially if we are praising them for winning, but God sees what winning hides. Seminary is revealing I have major anxiety with grades. I have not made anything below a B on anything, and I often feel like a failure. It is not the feedback that does it, it is the grade. Let me tell you what I am discovering. Yesterday, I told you about gymnastics. Today I want to talk about school–specifically, first grade. I am not sharing anything that I have not already processed with my therapist and my team. Here is one of the worst examples revealing I have a real problem- I got an A on a paper and it still was not good enough. It was not the feedback that made me feel that way, it was the way it was rated. I scored off the charts on everything except one thing and that one thing was a failing grade. I got an A on the paper, lots of good feedback, but I saw one thing that read as failure to me and that is all I believed about that paper. Had it just been stated I need to work a lot more in this area, I would have heard it differently–ratings are what take me down. I believe that is gymnastics and being scored for performances. My best was never good enough. It was a gift according to my coach if I got an 8.5. I can believe the 6.5 on beam where I fell twice, though. What I was told is I can believe my failure is real and where I do well is just a gift that I should not get used to. When you hear that at twelve, that does something to you psychologically. Now to first grade. I did not learn how to read in Kindergarten. I went to part-time Kindergarten in Texas, and we got to play a lot. I think that is wise. I learned how to play with other, compromise, and have fun! But when I moved to Oklahoma I was behind being the only first grader who could not read yet. I was put in the lowest reading group, and I was fine with that. I did not know to feel shame about it, so that is good. It is the message that gets sent later. My teacher was a male, and if I had to guess needed medication for his rage problem, and never to be around children, ever. A man with a rage problem teaching first graders is not a good combo. He asked me to read a word out loud in class one day, and I did not know how to say it. The word was “need”. He was so frustrated that I could not read such a simple word that he grabbed me by my arms and held me in the air. I was crying really hard and finally got the word need out. It was so scary. I have no idea why he could not move on to the next person. There was also a time I was filling in the a calendar. I was completing January and could not remember when to stop. I knew putting in 32 did not sound right, but I could not figure out why it did not seem right at the time. I went to the teacher to have him look over my work, and while I was in line I saw the calendar and realized my mistake so I went to sit back down and correct it. He yelled my name to come back. I do not get to look at the calendar and then go change my work. It was humiliating. He made me feel like a cheater. This is the last example because there are so many. We are not protecting our children, friends. Being in the lowest reading group I knew I wanted to do better. There was one book I could not wait to get to. This book was yellow and green with a giant caterpillar on it. I can’t remember the name, but the design of the book made me want to learn. When the time came, and I was one book away from that one, I had a really hard day finishing reading the book before it. My peers had a hard time too. He went on ahead and passed us letting us get to the book I really wanted, and I was so excited–but then he said this: Don’t be too excited. You did awful. So this, friends, will mess with kids psychologically, and it continues into adulthood. I have been trying to hide every since. I learned that I better know my stuff so I don’t get humiliated. It was not for the love of learning. I was enjoying myself when I was trying, but then the abuse (not critique) came and it almost destroyed me. I became vigilant about school to survive, not for the love of learning. By the way, I know how to read. My grammar and editing are less than stellar, but we have editors for that. We do not have to know everything. We are all here to help each other. That is way more fun and allows me to learn so much more to live, not to avoid dying.

I keep writing about these things, and now I know why:

Too many people are coming forward with their abuse and being met with this rhetoric from their churches and/or Christian community: Well, did you forgive them?

This idea that God wants us to only focus on “him” (and I really do not like we call God him because this God has not been good news) I do not believe is true. We made God a narcissist with no need to love thy neighbor. I believe God wants us to turn towards each other. But God shows up when people fail us. I am with James Cone, the revelation of God comes from the oppressed community–which includes Mother Earth. The mana in the wilderness requiring the refugees (and they are refugees Moses’ is leading) to only take what they need for today, two days if it is Sabbath, that was not for God’s sake; that was to make sure everyone ate. God is a flaming liberal by too many people’s standard. Our Communion table reveals this too. Everyone eats, and no one takes too much. That is the God I believe in.

Right now, God is flipping our Communion tables over. We are over-indulging the well-fed and letting the vulnerable get scraps–and I am not just talking materially, spiritually too. We are forced to forgive abusers, and this include King David and countless church fathers. Spiritually a lot of this is traumatizing for people, and I do not think we are willing to have this hard conversation. Forgiveness means something more than American, and much of Christianity, forgiveness. It requires a changed life. And we need to hear the heart of victims too.

I loved getting to share a message that has set me on fire, but I get depressed knowing this message will only be received by a few. But interestingly enough “In Remembrance of Her” (title of my sermon), Jesus words, those words point back to our Communion Tables. She made a radical move to pour expensive oil all over Jesus. The crowd told her she could have given that to the poor. Jesus’ response “the poor you will always have with you–you can be generous any time you want to be”–gets abused by people who now think they do not have to care for the poor. I hear his differently through Eliza Hamilton. She lived the rest of her life telling her husband’s story.

Alexander gets this huge monumental tombstone, and hers is a tiny marble slab, but Eliza gave generously to the poor and dedicated her life finishing telling Alexander’s story. He cheated her and left her in debt, even though he started our banking system in America. She had to get help to get out of this debt. Later she was able to open an orphanage that is still open today. You know why she did that? Because Alexander had been an orphan. She loved him and his story mattered to her. Also, the prosperity in New York was growing which was also widening the gap between rich and poor producing a lot of orphans. She answered that problem. The New York Times wrote a really nice thing about her love for the distressed.

Is this the only thing women are allowed to do to be honored? I see this unnamed woman in Mark as someone finally saying no. You can do it too. I want to preach right now. Men can create businesses, banks, and preach from the pulpit (women can do missionary work)–Women are expected to fill in the gaps where this falls short for the poor. I can hear Jesus saying: How about you go and be generous. This is her time to radically enjoy the divine in a way that will not make sense to the world.