First day of New Testament II. I was a little sad this morning because my first semester professor is on Sabbatical- love Dr. Sze-Kar Wan, but Dr. Abraham Smith is great too. Plus, I have a ton of friends in this class this semester. Yay! I really enjoy everyone at school so much. Makes me so happy. My first class with Trent Juarez! 🙌

Before I came to class I saw a tweet from a Christian leader who prayed with the Pope and leaders from two other faiths-praying for peace, and he believes our prayers will knot us together. What was notable about the picture – NO WOMEN. This really matters.
A lady responded saying that she hopes God responds that they need to hire women. He responded with his regret that women were underrepresented – all three faiths brought 5 people and 1 woman in each group. (If that is even true, women were not in the picture-so I guess they didn’t get to pray?) He admits it is lamentable, but women are not in the higher echelons of leadership in each faith unfortunately. He hopes that will change. She responded to him that it is because it is a boys club.
I was really glad she responded boldly to him, because worldwide there is a humanitarian crisis against women. Listen to the rhetoric towards women in our political conversation-and how we pay very little attention to the women in the Bible and their experience.

Why did I include that in my NT post? Because we talked about Paul today. Talk about someone who has influenced Christianity profoundly – and we can’t agree on who he exactly is because what is written in Scripture is not consistent about him.
Our professor is offering a fun paper to write that will be super awesome to write, but I cannot get that earlier tweet out of my head. Dr. Smith is also offering an exegesis paper if we decide to do that instead, and women is one of the hot topic passages. I think I might have to write an exegetical paper – even though they make me crazy. Whoever the real Paul is- his legacy hasn’t been good for women. But my friend Aaron Reindel told me on All Saints Day that Paul would have liked me. We would fight, but we are both contending for the faith. I think Paul told Aaron this so I will be generous in class. 😆I also told my professor, and he said this is rich. I love my new professor already! He is really fun.

Somehow we need our faith to move forward and use women fully. We are not help-mates in the sense that we are men’s little helpers. Ezer (Hebrew word for helper)- is also a term used for saying God is my helper. We don’t treat God the way we do women when we say God is my help. Something to think about.

I look forward to another fun and robust semester- sharing what I learn. I am happy to converse too. This helps me grow and think. I want this to transform us and help us take scripture more seriously, and also question why we do things the way we do. Does it give life to everyone? Is it good news for everyone?

This is not a Women take over the Men speech. That gets so OLD! I work with a lot of men, and none of them would say I am trying to get them over. Right, men in my life? Tell them I am not taking you over. 🤣

Also, I went to see my OT professor, Dr. Jack Levison (also fellow church member) with my friend, Cheryl. We had a great time catching up just for fun. Cheryl went to Israel and I loved hearing about her experience. I talked about sharing with the incoming students at Perkins this past week and how healing it was for me. It felt like a redeeming moment from what had hurt so much.
Jack was surprised by the connection I was making to my past experience. When I explained it he suggested I get the book “The Body Keeps the Score”. It talks about the impact trauma has on our bodies. It remembers what happens to us. Then I read two quotes on Twitter right after we had this conversation.

Tonight I was reading a heartfelt post from a friend. She hit on something I have been noticing myself, and my heart broke hearing it from her pain.

We are a busy world: busy working, doing tons of activities, and even busy fighting injustice. All of these are good things, but they can take over our lives to a point we don’t see the person right next to us. There is no time for friendship. No time to help someone in the depths of their despair because we are so busy doing.

When I was in the depths of grief, it was a lonely place to be. I had friends and family around me, but no one knew how to comfort me. What comforted me was Scripture. Which is so ironic, because I was running away from Scripture thinking I had been fooled. Here is the thing though, I could not pick up and read Scripture myself. I needed a break from it. But hearing someone tell me the story differently was relief for my worn-out-grief-sticken heart. Rob Bell podcasts and Jonathan Martin Twitter sermons, plus books from countless authors (Rachel Held Evans!), got me through my existential crisis. Jonathan Martin in particular was a gift from God to me. He would tweet these sermons that made me want to run laps, and he would talk to me. I found a friend who knew how to comfort me, and he let me lean on him (virtually) until I got back up. He did not avoid me because I am a woman. We could be friends, and I am so glad because it saved me. Also, I cannot recommend his book “How to Survive a Shipwreck” enough!

It was a relief to have people to talk to when I was retreating from the world. They kept me afloat.  We shared joy and pain, and the people I found on Twitter seemed to know me. When the world was getting really bad again, and my life kept crumbling even more-I would anxiously await for Jonathan’s Twitter sermon. I knew it would come; it always did. One day he was a day late. I told him he was late, and he told me he felt like he was a day late. My friends on Twitter were, and still are, good to me.

I needed this in flesh and blood. After two years of listening, it was time to get up and do something with this amazing story I heard. Once Scripture grabs you, and you have had time to let it sink in and comfort, it has to be lived right here, right now. We aren’t waiting for a later date; it is right now.

It is too bad it is hard to hear this story in so many areas of our nation. I live in the Dallas area, and it was hard to find a church like Wilshire. And Wilshire and the Dallas area need more churches to wake up to the gospel again-stop catering to the comfortable. We need to be near human suffering to stay awake in the gospel- This is the quote I wrote by Dr. Harold Recinos on the first day of seminary– in my very first class! The comfort of Scripture led me to seminary too. It is so wild. I will never completely grasp what just happened to my life. I was having a meltdown and now I am in seminary. I told people to put on my tombstone: SHE JUST HAD A MELTDOWN!

Scripture is comfort and brings life when we hear it from the Holy Spirit. It also leads to advocacy. Being a part of the change is life like I have never known before. But I don’t want to get so lost in the work-I forget the joy of the gospel. And the joy is in friendship. We won’t have to strive so hard when we truly operate as friends. This world is hard, and what lies ahead is massive, but God is here. Jesus said in Matthew 11:28-30 NRSV

“Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. 29  Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

I am thinking about the people who are like me three years ago-needing personal attention. We need therapists -absolutely, but we really need friends too. People all around us are going through really hard things. And we hardly have time to see our friends because we are striving so hard. Before my life fell apart, I had no idea how hard I was striving to achieve and not lose people. We also had bills to pay, so that is part of it too, but I did not know I was exhausted and ready for it to end. That is the weird thing about it all. I was grieving, and for good reason, but I also found the rest I desperately needed. My favorite part of the hymn “In Christ Alone”:

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid Ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

All of this is true. I especially feel the “When fears are stilled, when strivings cease”.

I operate in a totally different way now. I am not striving. I am just telling the story. I won’t compete. That puts me in scarcity mindset. I know there are plenty of people who need this story, and we live in an area that hasn’t heard this story. But we have to be friends to hear it. Friendship is the revolution.

I am writing this for a lot of reasons. Teen suicide is increasing at an alarming rate. The number one cry for help counselors and advocacy centers are hearing is loneliness. We are a lonely nation overall. If I did not have my book club-what happened to me in the soccer world with people I thought were friends- I might not have recovered. I am still deeply wounded. Everyone wants to win, and we think friendship is secondary. This means we are overlooking things we should not overlook to serve our own interests. This is our rugged individualism, and it is killing us and our neighbor. Our politics is mirroring this too.

We also have people in our church pews who need us to have time to listen to them. This is not all on the pastor to take on. This is on the whole community. And we cannot rush people to healing. They need our time.

Jesus said love God and love your neighbor as yourself- not as much as yourself, but as yourself. We are all connected. There is no way around it. We experience the gospel through each other. Telling me Jesus loves me and cares about me wasn’t enough until I experienced it through humans. Lets not miss the people right next to us who need us. When we empower others; the world gets better.

 

Today I sat down to watch my friend (I am so proud to call her my friend!) Cheryl Allison’s film: Shatter the Silence. It is on Amazon Prime for free- Everyone please watch it! After such a long night of deep grief when the church was silent in a moment I was in despair, hope came when I walked into the doors of Wilshire Baptist Church. I believe in church again, and I know it is going to get better. My faith tells me so. And some real tangible things have happened to back up this belief–one is this film. My pastor, George Mason, is also in this film speaking out on violence against women, and calls the church to account.

God heard my cry, and I found a new day. I also learned how not alone I was. What I have learned during the agony, and after, is how widespread sexual violence is in church, and in all areas of life. Women are sorely underrepresented in leadership in church and in government. I was (and still am) shocked to learn not only how unprotected we are -church silencing and the government with a backlog of rape test kits, but to also learn what men in leadership think about women in regards to rape! This film is so important. I am also glad someone said this goes back to early biblical times. We are still not over women treated as property. I am going to say more on that in a minute.

Not only sexual violence spoken in my church by a male pastor; Cheryl has taken this story to film, and it is reaching far and wide (USA, UK, and Germany). Cheryl’s goal for the film is to screen at universities as part of ongoing curriculums and special screenings, and on November 12, 2019 “Shatter the Silence” had it’s first educational screening at the University at Texas Arlington. In an age where the Trump administration is rolling back sexual violence protections on college campuses-this could not come at a more important time. A reminder to not lose faith. Hope is never lost when we stay true to our faith. Thank you, Cheryl!

I learned there are, and were, some amazing women working in Texas Congress to make change for women. We are severely underrepresented, but the women who were elected worked to make it matter for women. One is discovering the backlog of untested rape kits! Former Senator Wendy Davis is one who gave voice to women, and you can learn more about her in the documentary. She has started a non-profit, Deeds Not Words, and is continuing to do amazing work to this day.

“Shatter the Silence” received Honorable Mention from the jury at the Santa Monica Film Festival! The Dallas Art Beat says the documentary thinks globally but acts locally. That is part of Martin Luther King’s vision in terms of justice.

What stood out to me is learning how to have a conversation. Coming to Wilshire is not only important to my healing, but also to help me cultivate what I have learned into a conversation. There is a lot of pain, and it is easy for emotion to take over when we need people to listen. This documentary addresses this too. There was space given for men to ask anything they want, because this has turned their world upside down too–Raising awareness how the responsibility has been placed on the victim for too long. I also appreciated hearing men who want to be allies and friends want to know what is appropriate and what isn’t, and understanding people have different tolerance levels.

For me, I want to tell men to just be normal friends. I meet with men at my church one on one, and it isn’t a big deal. It is like meeting with any normal human being. The Billy Graham Rule was not good to women. I understand what the intent was, but it made women out to be the ones who can’t be trusted. Plus, Jesus did not do that. He met the woman at the well, a place known for picking up women, and he did not take someone with him to verify his purity. He treated her like a human being, and released her from the story society told her. He released her to preach, because a lot more people heard about Jesus after this moment. Women Preach!

Which brings me back to church. Yesterday, I posted this blog post-Max Lucado on Jen Hatmaker’s Podcast . Lucado is a huge influence in my life, and I am so grateful. There are raw emotions written in this post, and I think this drives people away. I would like to challenge people to stay in the hard conversations. Let the pain speak too. I had my husband read it–believe it or not, becoming a feminist does not eliminate men, if anything it includes them more–and he liked it. He told me if we can’t speak this truth, then we can’t get to the cancer that is deep in our theology because we are too afraid to speak. This is huge coming from Jake. He is a 9 on the enneagram. He is an extremely balanced person, and he said this needs to be said.

Yes, there will be fall-out, and there is no way around it. Jake was hurt by the situation I wrote about too. I haven’t written a lot about that, because that is his story. Usually, I assume I am over-reacting, but when I saw his pain and inability to reach out in the soccer-world (truly his world); I knew I wasn’t over-reacting. This was real. It involves sexual abuse of a child, and Max’s story also includes his own sexual abuse as a child. This issue is massive and cannot be ignored. It is hurting women and men-and our children. Lucado thinks the splitting of the church is the work of the Devil. I think the Devil was in the silence. Holy Spirit is here with her Holy Wind blowing through and revealing what has been so wrong. Did you know when Lucado spoke out saying Trump was not decent-his fall-out was severe and extremely gross? I am sick to my stomach to learn there is a disease is in our church that is causing such evil words and actions to occur when calling out a sexual predator. Then comes the SBC massive sexual abuse, and we see how that is going.

We cannot ignore the church’s complicity-including authors of Scripture. What I love about Scripture now is knowing this. A lot of the violence written-God never ordained it–and lot of it never actually happened! Praise God! Paul ignored women and changed a story about Jesus being revealed to Peter instead of women first-but Jesus  never was portrayed this way. Mary was sitting at his feet learning to preach-our first preacher to proclaim the resurrection-along with other women. Old Testament-women were the beginning of the Exodus, Puah and Shiphrah saved the Hebrew babies by lying to Pharaoh. People may fail us; God will not. I believe this now.

Wilshire and “Shatter the Silence” are faith made sight for me. A glimmer of light in the unknown future. Hope it is going to get better. My pastor, George Mason, is amazing in the documentary. I get to call him friend too. He is so good to me. He hasn’t once judged my emotions or where I am on the journey. He wants to empower me wherever I am, and won’t give up on me. I can’t tell you what that does for my soul. He can ground me like no one else can (the good kind of grounding). Men and women working together is not something to be feared. It can be so good, and a beautiful friendship. I know because I am experiencing this gift.

I have dark days still. The wounds hurt some days more than others. Especially when I read or hear things that trigger me. These are things I am going to have to work through the rest of my life. LeVar Burton, who I loved growing up watching on Reading Rainbow, tweeted about what it is like being black in America. Being black is not for the weak of heart he says. He also said this, and it spoke to me in a profound way: For, being Black in America oftentimes means living in and loving a country, that does not love us back. You may take exception to my premise, but you cannot discount my experience.

Our wounds are not the same, but I can’t help but think about being a woman in church. We live in and love an institution that oftentimes doesn’t love us back. America doesn’t  either-especially woman of color.

It is time to be ok hearing the pain, and not discounting it. When I went to CenterPeace conference in October 2018, I just listened to our LGBTQUIAPlus siblings. They did not need my questions-they needed my ear. I cried and apologized for how we have treated them. They said “in the name of God you are forgiven”. We can get here. I know we can.

Thank you, Cheryl. My good and faithful friend. God has blessed me beyond measure with your friendship, and to experience our new journeys together. We can keep going together.

I was so excited to see Max Lucado was on Jen Hatmaker’s latest podcast today, January 1, 2020. Max Lucado is a huge influence in my Christian faith. He is Church of Christ, so of course that was a big deal to me-Church of Christ is not often seen in the public sphere. Max is a great person, and one who represents Church of Christ, and the body of faith as a whole, well. I am no longer on the same page as Max on several important issues, but he is someone who is open, loving and willing to listen. Before I left my denomination of origin (which is so weird to say, because I am still Christian) I was  grateful Lucado used his voice to call our current President “not decent”. I needed that more than words can say. I was dying inside, and the Church I was a part of, and churches all around me would not speak. The only ones speaking were the ones who supported the President; and the betrayal I felt was a deep depression for me. I wanted Max to go further in what he said, but considering the fall-out he received afterwards, I took the gift for what it was at the time.

Let me back up a minute and explain a bit of my history with Lucado. I used to read Max Lucado and John Grisham exclusively. I loved the comfort and joy from Max, and the mystery and suspense from John Grisham. I guess in some ways they put the faith life together for me–now that I write this out. Since I joined my book club 14 years ago (gasp!), I haven’t read either one since. So, it was such a joy to hear from Max again on Jen’s podcast today. To hear what he is thinking now; how he came to Christ; his abuse; and what he is writing about now was a treasure for me today.

I grew up conservative. I was always at the most progressive Church of Christ in town, but for all intents and purposes, we were conservative. Dancing wasn’t expressly forbidden at our church, but if you had a reception at the church – no dancing. And the Church of Christ colleges in the area absolutely forbade it. I don’t know if that is still protocol, but it was when I was growing up. They would track you down too–find you by your car tag. Scary! I know this because someone I know and love was caught. I have friends in low places. Ha! But Max did not see dancing that way at all. I can’t remember which book it was, but he talked about Jesus being the life of the party–Jesus would dance with the bride. I loved that. He made Jesus sound fun, instead of trying to find all the ways we are wrong. And I never understood why we couldn’t dance. What a dumb rule. I feel like I was born to dance, but I did not get the chance to develop the skill. The same thing was happening to me in regards to preaching, because I  was in a complementarian church and a woman–doesn’t work out for me.

Another thing Max Lucado did for me was help me approach my prayer life differently-more tenderly. I said my prayers at night as a kid. A lot of times I fell asleep praying, and I felt so guilty about that. I would think about the garden scene in the Bible with the disciples unable to stay awake, and I thought Jesus was upset with me too. But Max presented it another way to me. He not only gave me permission to not feel guilty by falling asleep, but to also thank Jesus for the gift of peace of falling asleep in his arms. How beautiful is that imagery? I need to tap into this again as sleep has not come easily to me as of late. The world is on fire, and it is hard to sleep at a time like this, but sleep we must or we won’t be any good.

Today on the podcast, I heard his story of finding Jesus in his pain. He was abused as a child. It is such a sad story, and it grieves me how predators scheme and fool people because they are likable-and often knowledgeable in scripture! This is what happened to us in the soccer world, and my child was almost a victim–I grieve every time I think about it. And the lack of response by the community and police department revealed to me how unsafe our children are in our society. This is when I ran away from church and most of life in general. But I found God running with me; I will get to that in a moment. Max set up his own Eucharist to cope. I cried thinking about young Max having to cope on his own in such a tragic situation, but Jesus met him there. Jesus didn’t leave him alone.  It was milk and something else he had to substitute for crackers, and he felt Jesus healing presence. For me, I was outside–nightly–with tears and wine, and Jesus revealed himself to me as a tender mother. Max says he was completely healed with no lingering side effects. While that may be true for him-I would not say that is the case for me, and might be a dangerous thing to say because abuse is a deep wound–but I get the Spirit of what he is saying. God transcends whatever we go through, and that is absolutely true. My wounds still hurt from time to time, but St. Gertrude came to me in Church History and revealed to me the wounds of Christ are jewels-view my wounds as the jewels of Christ.

Lucado talked about going to seminary. He was in a class where they had to give their professor what they thought was essential to be a follower of Christ. Everyone’s response was taken into account, and then they had to decide what was the most essential. The professor had them to turn to scripture: 1 Corinthians 15. When Max read it was the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus Christ- all else is secondary- I could agree with that; but there was more said that I hadn’t heard before in this writing of Paul. It is that Paul said Jesus revealed himself to Peter first, and then to the apostles and so on. Wait a minute!!! That isn’t exactly true.( By the way, I love to argue with Paul. We have a good relationship now, and he can handle it.) Jesus revealed himself to women first.

Paul we are pretty sure, was a friend of Luke’s, and this continues my dissatisfaction with how Luke portrays women in his gospel. But Luke does say women were the first to see the men in dazzling clothes who asked them why they were looking for the living among the dead. He is not here, but risen (Luke 24:5). They remembered what they had been told, and went back and told the eleven. They were not believed-the apostles thought the women were telling idle tales (vs. 11)–women, can you imagine this?!—and that is when Peter went and checked the tomb,  found the clothes and was amazed (v. 12). I never caught this discrepancy before. Helps to know Scripture. While Paul may have been speaking to his audience-it is not a help to women. He may have been trying to get people to listen, and bringing up women would be too controversial (imagine that), but what keeps me in the faith is that Jesus did not do that. Jesus did not wait until the time was convenient. The authors may have tried to write women out of the story, but Spirit never let any of them get away with it. We only see glimpses, but learning the history and seeing the glimpses-God has revealed something to me in regards to faithful women.

I left my church home because my experience did not matter. I had laid my life down for soccer and church, and I did not matter. It was considered too political and controversial to bring up rape in church by calling out the Republican candidate. Republicanism has been confused with Christianity, and ministers are having a hard time figuring out what to do in this political climate. Our minister did say something in general, but when your pain is not spoken clearly-it continues to feel like another wound on the soul. This opened me up to the pain other people had been expressing, but are not getting their message spoken either-not clearly. This is the problem with generalization. We always want a balanced conversation-even when there is no balance.

I don’t think the split in the church is the work of the Devil. The Devil doesn’t have that much power. Holy Spirit is blowing through out churches, and what is being revealed is lifting up the powerless, and asking those who have had the podium to listen.

I write this with deep gratitude for what Max Lucado has meant to my life. We are not on the same page, but I wouldn’t be where I am today without him. Thank you, faithful servant. I loved hearing from you today.

Wisdom’s Part in Creation Proverbs 8:22-36

 

This is a better creation story than the first two creation stories in our Bibles. Isn’t this beautiful? The male and female side of God at work together. Yes, sex is probably involved too. We are so weird about sex. So immature, and that is why it is wreaking havoc in society. We give it no reverence- we fear it ,and then it controls us in harmful ways; instead of the beauty that gives us a divine experience through sex. It is a transcendent experience. It is holy, and we should be more mature when we talk about it. And church sure as hell should care about the sexual abuse of women, men and children in our churches. That is abuse, and never ok. Not locker room talk either. Women are created in the image of God- not in the image of men. We aren’t here for men to do whatever they like with us-not even talk about us as anything less than a child of God.

We did a word search in Old Testament using this section of scripture. My professor was opening my eyes to how our children’s bibles are erasing women from the stories. The stories of the midwives who defied Pharaoh are not there. But Eve- the poorest picture they can paint of her is in there.  Precious Moments Bible is one of the worst ones! Beware.

We took the word “created” and found the word could also be translated to “purchased”; “Set up” could be translated to “poured out”; “brought forth”-anguish and birth; and so on. Looking up words renews the story in new and vibrant ways. Our professor, Dr. Jack Levison, came up with this opening for a children’s bible that I think is just lovely: “In the beginning God gave birth to wisdom, and wisdom took delight in human kind”. Imagine our kids knowing this is true. And to hear the female side of God – including God giving birth.

I am absolutely loving my Bible classes in seminary. Old Testament and New Testament are taking me places I have never been before. It speaks to everything in our human experience- all of the joy, pain, abuse, climate change, sex trafficking, etc. It is all there. I am finding a God who is good in this story. A God who loved women and was never ok with our mistreatment. Culture is not an excuse for abuse. We do not have special knowledge that did not exist from the beginning of time. I love what my New Testament professor said: We use existing ideas to understand something new-that is language. Sophia (wisdom) was here at the beginning of time-before the world was created-And she delights in the human race.

Church history has been much more emotional for me than I expected. It is revealing to me how we got to where we are today. The Bible is definitely guilty of patriarchy, and horrible decisions, but Christian Heritage- we aren’t hearing from women at all. The Bible did not have us this erased- even though the men who decided what was canonized tried to erase us. Ignatius and Clement, 1 Century bishops, are guilty of pushing women out of the picture. The Bishop, presbyter, deacons were to be all male with the Bishop representing Christ by giving the Eucharist. Everyone was to be united around the bishop because the bishop was the one who performed the Eucharist-he isn’t Christ, but a representation of Christ. And the history just keeps going and getting worse.

The arrogance in the church fathers is so maddening. Twitter is not new everyone! I am not even sure how we got here from the Bible. The Bible is way better than this. I do not mean to be disrespectful, but if we can’t talk about this then we have  created an idol of our church fathers. These men did do a lot of good things in teaching us about holy spirit and how to use reason – (although I whole-heartedly disagree that we are completely rational beings). But they have sinned in a way that is still playing out in our churches, and I am asking us to take responsibility for this.

These church fathers were deeming anyone outside of their school of thought as heretics, and would exile them. Yes, some of the theology they were dismissing was bad. Not a fan of gnosticism, but oh, it is still in our churches today. Modern evangelicalism has a lot of gnosticism in it. So kicking people out doesn’t do a damn thing.

I also learned there was a movement that tried to counter Ignatius and Clement in the second century called Monatism. They had prophetesses, and believed in new prophetic revelations by God because they called for a reliance on the spontaneity of the Holy Spirit (modern day Pentecostalism). They were labeled heretics by our church fathers, and disappeared. Women- we weren’t erased by everyone in the second century-just the church at large. Ugh!

This just breaks my heart, because I know this is not of Jesus or of the Spirit (wisdom-female). I cried all through class today because I know how this plays out, and sometimes I weep for it. Not enough people are so I am crying for so many who cannot seem to cry.

But before I had Church History today, I had New Testament. My professor, Dr. Sze-kar Wan-has heard my cry. He is the one I wrote about on Tuesday who said: PREACH, SISTER. Today he did something so beautiful. As we opened up the Gospel of John and we were talking about the Logos; he went back to Proverbs 8. Reminding us of who wisdom started out as – Sophia. But systems have been in place since the beginning of time trying to erase women, and he thinks the move from Sophia to Logos did just that. Now we don’t hear the female side of God. Christology instead of Sophiaology – same thing. He even confessed it is hard for him too, because he was raised so Patriarchal. It was such a beautiful moment to hear from Sophia in class today, and a confession from a male professor who said he is still learning-I had good tears that offset the heartbreak.

I posted this on Facebook, October 22, 2019, because it meant the world to me sisters wanted to share with me how my perspective on Scripture was helping them. Details were tying them down, but when I speak to application of our faith, it brought a different point of view. They didn’t say this specifically, but what I was picking up on was this perspective was releasing them from having to get it right-to how does this change the world. That is a big difference!

I love seminary! Today was so good. I got an honorary M.Div. from one of my friends, Aimee, too. 🙂 I am done.
My friend Haley told me she loves that my questions and comments are always aimed at application. I could not receive a higher compliment than this, because that is why I am in seminary.
When my life fell apart- church, soccer and politics-I was mad at everyone, except the people who were mourning. I found so much comfort with the LGBTQPlus community. They guided me, and led me back home-but let me back up.
I was so mad at everyone when the cruelty from all around just kept coming. I wanted God to come down now and get everyone and make them straighten up. But I had an Amos to Judah conversation. Judah thinks God is going to come and clean house and raise them up again, but Amos tells them: Actually, you, Judah. God is asking you to repent. Actually, you, Lindsay. God is asking you to repent.
Then God told me to go lie down in the green pastures provided, and God told me a story.
When I got back up, I realized this is what my faith is for. Our faith can do something about this without power. That is what the Old Testament is doing, and it is what the gospel stories are doing. Notice all the gospels are different versions- they are telling a different story about who Jesus is for their time and circumstance. The truth of the present is more important than the truth of the past. Who is God now in our time and place, and retelling the past in new ways to speak to the here and now.
I realized our faith has to mean something now, or it means nothing at all. So, it brings me so much joy that my friends are telling me I am clearly and concisely stating my purpose for being there.
Our brains are wired for story. I believe a new refreshing story about who Jesus is now will make a difference.

One thing that is really cool about being at a traditionally Methodist seminary is my dad is Methodist. I feel like I have some Methodist in me to share my perspective -what I love about it, and what I think free church tradition brings to the table that we (I can say we; I am part Methodist) can learn from. And honestly, we are all Christians-dividing by denominations in the same faith tradition is funny, but I kind of get it too. When we come together,though, we can share ideas, and not only participate in iron sharpening iron, but unite when trouble comes. Right now both Baptists and Methodists are facing a split. Free Church and churches with governing boards are finding themselves in the same position–We have some family members who have other ideas.

This is nothing new. As I study church history, I am thinking about how it feels so relevant today. I get the desire to want to form a Council to make sure everyone is believing the same thing. You can’t believe whatever you want and call yourself a Christian. I get that. But the idea of excommunication and labeling people heretics is not compelling. I am more inspired by the martyrs who believed in their faith so much, they were willing to die so others could live more freely. But, we need to stop killing people for us to see this. We have a Bible that shows us death to create peace is no peace at all.

Here is what I am thinking, as someone who would love to form a council and deem the SBC in error (they are); I don’t think that is effective. What I see in church history with the theologians who have really bad ideas is an invitation for me/us to think more critically about what it means to be a Christian. That is what the Councils were doing, and for that, I think that is good. Kicking people out is not good. SBC is doing this too (in a free church tradition), and for that, they are taking themselves down. We need to trust the process.

What I am learning from the SBC is they can tell a compelling story. This is something they are teaching all of us. We can thank them for this. They sent me to the wilderness to listen and hear God tell me another story. The very first podcast I listened to that inspired me to start doing the work of changing the story, was a podcast by Rob Bell. He talked about his time here in Dallas actually. He was at Jerry’s World, and he had some thoughts. He did not comment on if it was good or bad, but the brilliance of the story Jerry is telling in that arena. Look around if you visit, a powerful story is being told. We can do this too, but better.

Then Rob Bell went into the gospels, and started explaining to me how Jesus’s life was a counter-narrative to Caesar. Say What?! I was told Jesus wasn’t political. Death was being presented as good news – death for peace. This is why Mark opens up with the proclamation by John the Baptist (the new Elijah, picking up where Malachi leaves off) declaring the beginning of the good news of Jesus Christ, Son of God.

So much political going on in just the first verse of Mark. The good news is countering the good news of killing people for peace. Jesus is revealing what good news is – life. Son of God means Caesar is not. But here is the thing I learned from Marisol, the Salvadoran refugee in Washington DC, people call this political, but we need to be clear: this is the work of God. Politics and faith do connect, because they are our shared life together. How we live in community that honors -EVERYBODY. Here is what Rob commissioned to me: If you want change, then tell a better story. If you just complain about injustice, and you can, but you will only be making noise. Tell a better story.

The SBC and conservative churches have figured this out. They have created energy with a story of a mission to rid the world of evil-same story Caesar was telling. This story has gained a large chunk of the voting block. It is a story driven by fear, and holds a lot of power. When people go to conservative churches they find a common purpose- even though it is fundamentally bad. But they go into these churches knowing the mission. Progressive and mainline churches are not telling a compelling story. We are free, and are saying the right things (mostly), but no one knows what we are about.

This is where we learn from the other position. Instead of kicking them out-lets learn from them, so we can tell a story that gives life. And we grow our movement by uniting and talking to those who are left out by their theology. I learned how powerful this is in the soccer world. Soccer gave me my voice, not church. And I did not even play soccer. I just saw bad theology that needed correcting, so Jake and I worked together to do that. Here is that story: When the Game Changed

I am not going to rehash my story about finding Wilshire, because I have written about it extensively in other blog posts. But, I still sit in wonder about how I am now in seminary because of Wilshire. This was not my goal at all when I arrived just over a year ago. When George Mason asked me if I was called, my second month at Wilshire, I did not know what being called meant. Now I am in seminary – Perkins School of Theology- asking everyone about their call story. It blows my mind. The call is real. And the threads of our stories amaze me how they brought us together through space, time, and the world to the same place-at this moment in time. I do not want to underplay how significant the moment is we are living in right now.

I remember when George sat me down and told me he could tell I had been listening over the last two years. He then asked me what I wanted to do with that. The question stunned me, because I wasn’t planning to do anything with it. I mean, I came to Wilshire-that is what I was doing with it. He took me to meet Geri Mckenzie, past residents were in her office for the reunion, and I was greeted with such hospitality. Books were given to me. They all told me they were glad I was there. I walked out of that meeting asking myself: What is happening?!

Those two years I was down and out, I listened to Nichole Nordemon music and Jonathan Martin preaching nonstop. They were life to me. These song lyrics by Nichole when I was so incredibly sad (the song is Turn your Eyes Upon Jesus-she added a few lyrics):

So look up, look up

This is a song about the morning 

After a long night

You will walk on waves again 

When you have set your gaze on Him

I wanted to believe these lyrics so badly. I have written them out of order- separate lines, but they ran through my head all the time when I needed to believe I was going to feel better one day.

After I walked out of Geri’s office, I started wondering if this was my morning. Am I now walking on waves-but for the first time? The journey from there never slowed down. If you know George Mason, he doesn’t just give lip service – he means it-and it is going to happen.

So, now I am in seminary. The first week was action-packed-from a really fun orientation to a jam-packed Monday that flowed right into Tuesday. I am also helping create the Baptist House of Studies with Jaime Clark-Soles and George Mason. I am now comfortable enough to call them my trio. How I am getting to work with a trio like this is beyond me. Literally beyond me. These are legit people of faith who move, and things change for the better because they do.

By Wednesday, I was melting down though. I was tired. I have been taking in so much information. I was worried about keeping up. I am still worried about it, but I am just going to trust the process as Chad Mustain keeps telling me to do. I had so many people checking in on me the first day. I can’t believe the love I am receiving these days. Also, on Wednesday, my friend (and Guardian Angel) Nancy took me to lunch and then school clothes shopping.  She told me the most fun she had was with her aunt before school when they went school clothes shopping. It was a relief to be with her that day. I needed rest, and a change of scenery. I was feeling extremely unsettled b/c I could not see the family much being gone all night, and too exhausted to talk when I got home the next day at a decent time. I also almost dropped the ball on Blake’s band meeting and soccer team. Thankfully, we got those worked out.

Thursday I felt better in class. I love everything I am learning. I am just concerned about assignments. The questions are weird. They expect us to know a lot of terms right away. When I get in a groove of what it is like; I will feel better. Thankfully, I am surrounded by amazing people. Friday we had a Spiritual Formation retreat from 2-9 PM. It was an out-of-this-world experience. I was beat though. This past week has been a shock to my system. All I can do is the best I can. But I live all in. I don’t know any other way. I have to pace myself.  I am a 4 on the enneagram (professional reflector), and time away to reflect is an absolute must-or a meltdown is coming. I don’t feel so badly about this when my first reading for class talked about Jesus needing to retreat. I felt solidarity with Jesus at that moment. This is why I love the Bible. Every time I am out of sorts, a story comes to me and calms me down. This isn’t new.

I have had some wild dreams. I will write one of them. This Sunday (today if read this today) I read the opening statement for the 11 AM service. Well, I dreamed earlier in the week that I forgot about it. I remembered last minute, and then couldn’t find the office. I heard the organ playing, then I passed out because I knew I missed it. I know this is dramatic, but I am hoping this dream means I am overreacting to a challenge not as big as I am making it out to be.

Here are some FB posts I wrote this week regarding seminary:

8-26-19

I cannot express in enough detail the depth of my gratitude for the outpouring of support I have received this morning.

I woke up to text messages from every single member of my book club wish me love today. I also received a message from Jonathan Martin today- the day before I start seminary. It is so wild b/c he made me realize how much I love the Word, and his words always reach me at the exact moment I am in!
I have talked to George Mason. Jaime Clark-Soles has been by my side these last two weeks making me feel not only a part of Perkins now, but in the future too.
My family has been reaching out.
I am on the computer my former boss is letting me use. Valerie Palmer Meeks tell Herb thank you again! It is a God-send.
My Twitter friends are wishing me good luck today.
My Bible class has messaged me to wish me well on this new journey.

I am going to share my leaving home story in a different light. My pastor’s sermon was about letting go. George’s sermon inspired this post (as well as immigration).

You have heard it said: no one leaves home unless it is really bad. While my story is about changing churches; our faith reveals what is happening in the world.

I was born and raised Church of Christ – with a side of Methodist. I loved that world, and I still do. I look back and remember all of the people who have filled me up, and I thank God for them every time I remember. Leaving home was a tragedy for me at the time. I had no idea what would lie ahead, but I knew I had to go.

When my world fell apart, I couldn’t make it better. I tried to remember how amazing my family was and let that be enough, but I couldn’t get out of bed even knowing that. A light inside of me was burning out. I had never been so scared in my life. I never thought I could sink to that level of despair. I needed help. The world I lived in at the time wasn’t good for my spirit anymore. It was life or death for me.

Twitter pastors saved my life. I started hearing a Bible story I had never heard before, and I could not get enough. Every sermon, every dialogue, reading scripture with new eyes, and listening to people who have always been disenfranchised (or had been through my process) started breathing life back into me. I found myself wanting to live again. I was free in a way I had never known before.

I tried to take this message to the world I was in, but it didn’t fit. I didn’t fit. I could not live one way online and have my flesh and blood life be the old message. Despair was creeping up on me again. Something changed in me, and it was imperative for my life that I live the new story-now. I watched every attempt I made to change where I was get rejected, and the story was moving backwards. I remember the moment I said: I can’t stay. It was deep grief.

So, 2 years later, when Mark Wingfield spoke the words my soul longed to hear at the Moxie Matters Tour-hope was alive again. I saw Mark, and I knew he was going to be my friend. A month later, after I told my Guardian Angel, Nancy, that I had to go- I went to Wilshire believing we could live this story here.

George’s sermon was so clear. I did not have to guess at what message he was trying to send. It was a dream come true. He was also right there when we got up after service to meet us. He showed me where Mark was, and I stormed the aisle with my family to get to him. He received me and didn’t think I was crazy. He said he will never forget that moment either. Ha! I was so desperate-I did not care how strong I was coming across.

All of the sudden I could see in color. A world opened up to me that was never available to me before. My second visit was the “Coffee and Conversation” with George, and I was lucky we were the only ones that week, because I had a lot to say. I tried to tell George my whole story in those 30 minutes. The first thing I told him was Rachel Held Evans had sent me. I had just read her book, “Searching for Sunday”, and I wanted that church. I also told him I was burned and unsure if I would ever love church again. That is when he asked: Have you thought about seminary? I AM KIDDING! He asked me about seminary a month later obviously. 🙂

I was so shocked by the reception my family received at Wilshire. They welcomed us, the stranger, and treated us with hospitality we had never known before. It truly is a redeeming moment. A moment I will always remember when life will try to make me forget again. That is the story of Israel (in the Bible-not current day Israel).

For me to be taken seriously by men was a game-changer. I was shocked by their desire to know more about me, and ask if I had thought about seminary (within 2 months 4 men asked, separately). They were inviting me to join them in the work every step of the way: Blog writing, teaching, praying, preaching practicum. They helped me with my seminary essay on their vacation and birthday. It took me awhile to trust they really liked me though. The pain of being left out and ignored takes a toll no one can fully grasp until you are treated with full equality. I kept waiting for them to be annoyed with me and ignore me. That is what I knew, and had gotten comfortable with-unfortunately.

Not only did they not ignore me-ever-they stayed by my side when I started breaking down. The first year was fun. I lived off of their faith and said yes to things I was never asked to do before. The next year was serious, and I wasn’t acting the same anymore. They started witnessing me melting down, and I still do. I am pretty sure I scared some of them, but they never left my side. Their faith increased when mine was failing. It feels like a moment when Peter is being lifted up out of the water by Jesus when the reality of walking on water hit him.

Mark Wingfield and George Mason have changed my life. They have leveraged their privilege to bring me to the table. We are the best of friends. Every time I run away – they go and get me. My life is new and full of new possibilities, because I left home. We have used fear as the motivating factor to keep people out. What about the possibility of saving someone; and their whole life changes and can be used for the good in the world?

My life has changed so much that not only am I starting seminary, but I went parasailing on our last vacation. I wanted to do something the old Lindsay would never do before I start school. I was scared, because I am scared of heights, but I saw beauty I would never see any other way. I got to do it with both kids too, and we saw two dolphins swimming! Kimberlyn was scared, but went with Jake before me, so she comforted me despite her anxiety. Blake, who was super chill and loving it, made us laugh. After that, I felt like a new person.

All of this because I let go. I went to a new home that welcomed me in a way I had never known before, and now life will never be the same. My life is better, and for that – my family life is better too.  You never change just one person by helping.

 

 

 

When I left home to come to Wilshire, I was upset my home church — and the church at large — had refused to use her prophetic voice. We had decided that what needed to be said was too political, so stay out of it and just stick to the gospel. We failed to see that what needed to be said was itself the gospel truth.

 Politics is absolutely important to the life of a church and community. Not partisan politics, though; partisan politics is demonic. Politics is a gospel issue. Jesus’s life was a counter-narrative to Caesar. Our faith is for the world — not from it. What do we do when people are dying in the streets, and we know words from our leaders are encouraging the violence? We speak truth to power. That is what we are called to do.

 I have no answers for the time we are living in. I have no idea what the best way is to handle and care for our border, what to do about guns, how to prevent the sexual abuse that is not being taken care of by the church or how to fix our political system. Here is what I do know: we are to tell the truth. We are to meet whatever we face with compassion and not fear.

If we deny white supremacy now, when it is plain as day in full sight, I agree with Pastor Jonathan Martin that we are blaspheming the Holy Spirit. We have to stop allowing people in positions of power to blame everything else but white supremacy.

 Rachel Held Evans had a sticky note on her wall to see every time she wrote. It said: “Tell the Truth.” We are living in a world trying to say the truth doesn’t matter. And we are afraid to get in the ring because we have thought being nice equals kindness. No, sometimes niceness is the darkness used by the principalities and powers of this world to silence those who dare challenge what is unjust.

I know this is all terribly upsetting. But my hope is in the power of the Holy Spirit to make things right in the chaos. I know it feels like we are living in an alternate universe. This isn’t the world I thought we lived in, but people of color are telling me this has always been America. Now that I have done a lot of listening, I see that: yes, it is.

 My husband, Jake, is Native American. I have been leaning into what that means. His grandmother was raised in a Catholic orphanage, and other than that, we know little about his family. She is of the Potawatomi and Kickapoo tribes. I am realizing she has suffered great trauma at the hands of this American dream.

 We also have been talking to our kids about their native heritage. It has affected Blake so much that when his school talked about the early colonizing of Native Americans, Blake had to be escorted out of the room because he was so upset. The teachers thought our blond-headed boy was making it up; Jake showed them his card.

 In light of what I have learned, I struggle with our Fourth of July celebrations. I couldn’t stand for the flag this year. Let me tell you why. We are claiming to be the land of the free without admitting our sins in the creation of this free nation. We haven’t been free for everyone, and we still aren’t. We are also putting our honor of the flag over people. This is dangerous idolatry.

 If we want to turn this narrative around, it starts with the people of faith. We have a better story to tell, and we absolutely have to tell the truth. Again, I agree with Pastor Jonathan Martin who said if we do not speak what is true now, then we can’t blame the Devil when our young people leave the church. They know when we are compromising our voice.

 I know the danger of becoming the thing we are fighting against. Every morning I reflect on how we don’t go down that path. The story of Israel in the Bible shows us this error time and time again. But we also cannot let fear hold us back. This is why we are in community. We are surrounded by diverse voices to help us stay the course. Remember, we are not in a battle against flesh and blood, but against powers and principalities.

The USWNT (United States Women’s National Team) has won the World Cup again. This is their 4th World Cup championship, and USWNT was formed in 1985!. The women are legit, and they are so much fun to watch. There is controversy though! Although these amazing women perform year after year-outpacing the men by a long shot-in the national arena; they are still paid way less than the men. The men did not even qualify for the World Cup last year.

After this win, I got to thinking about how Jake and I both were involved in World Sports where women are the leaders today: Jake – soccer; Me-Gymnastics. Watching women in soccer and gymnastics is fun for everyone who appreciate these sports, but both are plagued by the crisis of our time. I mentioned above the USWNT is plagued by unequal pay and treatment. The USA Gymnastics is in a big huge ugly mess with a sexual abuse against so many of the gymnasts by a trainer-Larry Nassar, and it was known. Adults failed the children because winning is everything. I have some things I want to say. I hope I can be heard without anyone thinking I am angry all the time, or attempting to tear down things that happened that were good despite a very bad system.

Here is some background on Jake and I with our sports. Jake was a really good soccer player. He made club teams above his age group early on. This caused drama of course, but Jake is a 9 on the enneagram- he just did his thing. He has played in Wales, Sweden, England and Denmark. Jake and his high school team – Norman High – won state in 1993. Jake was a freshmen – one of two freshmen who played on varsity at that time. Jake ended up quitting his senior year though. There was so much drinking and partying going on, and it frustrated him. He could not play this way, and coach wasn’t doing anything about it. Jake-a really good player and wanting to win the right way-had to quit. He continued playing club, but there is nothing like playing for your school. He gave up lettering and everything.

My gymnastics story is tough. I am quite small, so when I began gymnastics at a young age they were really excited about me. The problem was, I wanted to play with my friends outside. They kept asking for more days and more hours, and I couldn’t stand it when I was 8 years old. I even got to hold Bart Conner’s gold medal from the 1984 Olympics (I went to his gym is why). I had no idea that was a big deal. My parent’s did though. It was really heavy-if you are wondering. I wanted to play with my friends, and begged my mom to let me quit.

In Fifth grade I decided I wanted to return. I went back and worked really hard, and made the team in a year. The problem was I developed in that year. In the early 90s, gymnastics wanted prepubescent girls. I was treated like I was too old and too heavy. They weighed us every week. Made us write down everything we ate, and crossed out what was not approved. I would get on the scale and would be told: “too heavy”. I’ll never forget that. I was made to jump off a balance beam with a trophy, and was told if I lost weight I could go higher. When my hands would rip on the bars-I am talking huge rip in the middle of my hand- I was told I was a real gymnast now and get back to work. It hurt so badly. I was flattered to hear real gymnast though. If I could not stick a balance beam routine in practice; I would be completely ignored, and then forced to tell everyone how many routines I stuck. It was humiliating. I just wanted gymnastics to be fun. I loved practicing high level, but the abuse killed it. I could not develop being treated like this.

There were good things though. I was there when Nadia Comaneci (the first perfect 10 gymnast) defected to the USA from Romania. Bart Conner was her friend, and she contacted him. They are now married. I also did a hand stand and walking on my hands contest with one of my favorite coaches, and I won. I was really good at walking on my hands; better than my feet. He bought me a coke. Big deal in gymnastics.

My back ended up taking me out of gymnastics, but I was miserable. The abusive coaching was too much for me. It was sad-what I loved didn’t love me back. I would be in my room making up floor routines all the time. My step-brother would tell me I was making too much noise. We had a two story house, and they could hear me downstairs.

I find my spiritual life seems to mirror my gymnastics career-except with a twist. I was loved early on in my previous heritage, but not appreciated when I was ready to be serious and get in the game. Now I am at a church that appreciates me. You are telling me I am not too old, and have believed in me when I had no idea I could believe in myself. Plus, I was really scared. This isn’t what I planned coming here.

Jake is now coaching club and high school soccer. We have gone through it with Texas youth sports. I found my voice through soccer, actually. But when it fell apart – I had to exit; Jake stayed. We have a team that is doing what we dreamed of doing in a world saying you have to win now- or winning is the only way. Jake is telling a different story. Both of us dreamed of soccer and gymnastics to be fun. I wasn’t able to do it in gymnastics, but I also had this desire in the faith world. We can be excellent, but also have a lot of fun. Abundance. We are looking for people who aren’t always asked to participate. That has been life-giving for us all.