Redemption after Lament

Today I got my acceptance letter for seminary. This is real, and I find myself without words to describe how I feel: “out-of-control,” “free,” “scared,” “joyful.” I think all the words in the universe are needed for this feeling.

It is unbelievable to me because I did not come here with this in mind. My life already was changed by showing up at Wilshire on Nov. 19, 2017 (I will never forget this date) and placing membership Nov. 26, 2017. Coming here was a gift to a soul that experienced a very dark night and scared I wasn’t going to recover joy again.

There is a lot of pain in the world right now, and there has been since our country was founded. Many of us are now waking up to how severe our injustice has been. The SBC, UMC, Catholic church and our political environment are all in an absolute state of chaos. There are a lot of people who feel betrayed and spiritually homeless.

I know that feeling. I know my pain is on a very different level than so many, but I have a glimpse of what it is like to know your humanity isn’t fully valued in your house of worship — especially if your humanity requires a plot twist in the story that has been told for too long.

As I watch politicians and faith leaders try to save face versus admit error and accept the consequences, it makes the agony so much worse. George’s sermon a few weeks ago was spot on when he said we do not have a society that redeems sinners, so we confess nothing. This is true for the church, and that is a sin.

The church has sinned. So many are telling me it is individual sin and nothing we can do, and I grieve that. I repent even more for our siblings of color who have been hearing this far too long.

I did not watch the Michael Cohen hearing this week. I could not bear any more news. But I am glad a friend posted the closing remarks of House Oversight Committee Chairman Elijah Cummings, as he spoke to Michael Cohen a word of redemption. It was a moment the gospel revealed itself here and now. Rep. Cummings was looking at a hurting soul who knows the damage he has done, and he spoke to him as a hurting soul who desperately needs to feel redemption. We need a society that lets people change and become better.

Cummings told Cohen when something happens to his children, he doesn’t want them to ask, “Why did this happen to me?” Instead, he wants them to ask, “Why did this happen for me?”

I want to tell all of these faith leaders and politicians that falling is not the worst thing that can happen to you. It might be the best thing that ever happened. It leads to redemption. Doesn’t the cross tell this story?

I know this personally. I know what it is like to fall and people rejoice that you did. It is agony. I also heard the best story I have ever heard while I was flat on my face. People in the Bible know what we are going through. They know our pain and our joy, and they speak to both.

For the first time I heard the lamentations. Half the Bible is lament. I also learned this: As far as you can go into your lament is also how high you can go into your joy. I am experiencing both simultaneously. Psalm 30:11 says, “You have turned my mourning into dancing.” Do we know how to dance if we do not know how to mourn?

So here I am in 2019 a whole new person again. I fell, and I got back up because the gospel breathed new life into me. I wanted to be part of something new that could help me tell this story. I came to Wilshire trusting you were going to accept this new me, because I had to believe it. I stormed down the aisle to Mark our first visit because he is the one I heard at SMU who told me Wilshire was the church I had been longing for so long. And now here I am a little over a year later with an acceptance letter from Perkins School of Theology at SMU! And I just attended a meeting on Monday because we are starting a brand-new Baptist House of Studies at Perkins, and I get to participate in this.

This brings a whole new meaning to Jeremiah 29:11 for me.: “For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope.”

Getting off the boat

I am trying to run away from everything lately. Last year, I was walking on water, but now I am sinking. While I have been sinking, all of you have been holding out your hands to pull me back up. I never have experienced community like I have at Wilshire.

I hear the Peter story differently now. A friend mentioned we are hard on Peter for sinking when he tried to follow Jesus on the water, but we forget he at least got out of the boat. It was scary. Jesus was there when it became too much. Taking risks knowing someone will be there when you fall is life everlasting.

The Houston Chronicle reportson sexual abuse in the Southern Baptist Convention are causing me to relive some of my past trauma, but I am also living in hope we are going to cast it out. This problem is so large and heartbreaking and went covered up for so long by both the SBC and the Catholic church. This is real. What happened to me is real. The system made this a breeding ground for abuse.

The SBC and Catholic church are large and easy to spotlight, but this is happening in so many churches not affiliated that we must address it. My biggest concern is I am not hearing leaders of these organizations repent of their theology and grieve. I am hearing men explain what went wrong and what they will do better next time. Conservative theology in this way is blinding their sight to how this is playing out in public life.

They call the #MeToo movement secular but fail to connect it to #ChurchToo. These are related. Theology plays out in public life.

There is no separation of spiritual and secular. When the dominant faith organization in society is patriarchal and abusive, so is the society. The church is supposed to be counter-cultural by being the conscience of society, not the one grabbing for power and authority. The only authority we should live by is love. If love feels like hate to someone, then it isn’t love. Throw it away.

One faith leader said we needed less gloating and more grieving. Since when is faith a competition that we would gloat at someone’s demise? Who is gloating over massive abuse in a faith organization?

I think to start changing the narrative for women in church is to start telling the stories where Jesus was liberating them. This past Sunday, I got through my panic and led the class discussion on Mark’s Resurrection story. So much stood out to me, but the moment that makes me cry is when the woman (unnamed in Mark’s Gospel) is so moved by Jesus that she pours expensive perfume on his feet and wipes his feet with her hair. Her heart was overflowing with gratitude, and she gave everything she had to say, “Thank you.” The men wanted her scolded for wasting what could have been given to the poor. But Jesus responds by saying: “Leave her alone. Why do you trouble her? She has done a beautiful thing to me. For you always have the poor with you, and whenever you want, you can do good for them. But you will not always have me. She has done what she could; she has anointed my body beforehand for burial. And truly, I say to you, wherever the gospel is proclaimed in the whole world, what she has done will be told in memory of her.”

The woman anointed Jesus. Jesus lifted her up. Her faith believed in abundance. She gave everything for Jesus, and now her story is told forever. Jesus was there for this woman. He also was there for Peter.

Do we believe Jesus enough to give him everything — in gratitude and when we are scared?

Advent Thought

I’d join the movement if there was one I could believe in, yeah I’d take the bread & wine, if there was a church I could receive in, cause I need it now…..Bono

As I meditated on this passage of Deuteronomy, I felt my own story in the words. Finding Wilshire came after a period of mourning. I thought we were losing everything, but as I laid down in green pastures- strangers came to me and guided me through the night. Our mourning turned into dancing Psalms: 11-12

Years ago, a friend and I would sit in church and say, “There is a better story than this”. Little did we know the Spirit was listening to us, because she sent us on the ride of our lives not long after we started having these conversations. Our journeys are very different now, but they are alive and full of gospel. It took suffering for both of us to break free from the chains. We had no idea we were enslaved, but not in the sense we usually think of being enslaved. We knew there was a better story, but life was too comfortable for us to do anything about it. People who are comfortable rarely change willingly. It usually takes pain to take us to new territory.

When I was crumbling, not many around me knew what to do about it. They felt for me, and were kind and would listen- but they had no idea how to handle what was happening. I was surprised to find pastors on Twitter who did know. They heard my pain, and walked me through it. I listened to so many different points of view (not just from the christian faith) I had never heard before. These views did not wreck my faith, they made my faith stronger. There is a whole story that needs to come together. When we get too familiar -we lose the plot. We need the “other” to guide us back home.

These pastors and authors led me to the Moxie Matters Tour. When I heard Mark Wingfield speak about Wilshire, I felt something in my soul move. Could this be deliverance? I had heard a story I desperately wanted to tell, and I wanted a church home so badly–but there wasn’t a movement I could join yet . I needed this to be true. Our family showed up a month later, and I rushed to Mark to find out if this is true. It is true! We are at the place we can rejoice before God at God’s chosen dwelling place for us.

I had no idea this would turn into more than finding a church home. I have been invited to write remembering where I have been, and feasting with those who had been rejected previously. This is a holy experience. I feel Bono’s words deep in my soul too. I remember this feeling all too well. I want to pour my life out joining the movement too many like Bono are still craving.

Seeing the person more than the disease.

On Jan. 19, I attended A King Teach-In for the second year in a row — hosted by Wilshire and Friendship-West Baptist Church.

The first year I was brand-new to Wilshire. It was the same weekend Rev. Barber had come to honor the legacy of Martin Luther King Jr. We were not just honoring the legacy of “the dreamer,” we were speaking of the “drum major for justice” — and his work is not done. I was on fire. Finally, I had found my place that talked about this world, justice and participated in the larger family story.

The Teach-In has been equally powerful for me both years. The first year, I came by myself as I didn’t know anyone really yet. I sat at a table with members of Friendship-West and fell in love. They get excited like me. We jump up and down, hug and get all excited when truth is spoken. It is a balm to our souls.

Funny how just hearing truth spoken frees the spirit even before anything has been done to move forward. I think it is because we see each other face to face. We are saying, “I see you,” “I know the system is wrong,” “People from our community have hurt you and are allowing it to continue.” There is nothing like sitting together with a group of people who all want something better. We want life, and we want to do it together.

The most powerful moments both years were when a soul needed their pain personally spoken. I witnessed both moments sitting next to both people, and it is so holy it is hard to write.

The first year George spoke on white supremacy and privilege with boldness and courage. There was no watering it down to make it easier to digest. A sweet woman sitting at my table stood up and asked George: “What does your church think of you preaching like this?” It hit me hard how little the black community thinks white churches care about racism. She hugged me so tightly. She asked if I went to Wilshire. She wanted to come see a church that lets a white pastor preach like this. I hugged her right back.

The tiny glimpse of her pain and joy that I could imagine was knowing my own joy being at Wilshire after searching for someone who would speak against sexual assault. Hearing over and over again that it is wrong broke me free from the chains that had held me down in shame. So this hug was one of the most powerful I have ever experienced, and I will never forget it.

This year, the talk about government and advocacy was educational and enlightening. But when Freddy Haynes and George were taking questions, my friend mentioned how she wants to help ethically, but needed a creative way to do it based on her circumstances. Freddy caught what she meant. “Let’s talk about the immorality of a country that doesn’t pay school teachers enough to take a vacation,” he said. It was a moment. My friend tried to pass it off, but I was on my feet saying, “No, he is naming your pain.” I was hugging her.

This got me thinking — and when I think, I often go to Patch Adams. This movie is full of wisdom, and it is has guided my life in many ways. The joy Patch brought to the medical field (namely bringing light to the wisdom of those we label mentally ill). It is what I want brought to our world of faith. We have the best story, but so many are walking around in chains versus liberation and joy.

Patch Adams said; “You treat a disease, you win, you lose. You treat a person, you win every time.” I can’t help but think that is what we have done the last two years. We are naming the disease, as we should. We can’t ignore the disease. But maybe the most powerful way to treat the disease is seeing each other. It is infectious.

I know it changed me. It has set my soul on fire. I had to hold myself down from running laps. Do you hear the truth being spoken? Do you see joy coming from people longing to be free? It is the best story

Facing My Complicity

We have participated in a faith that seems to think Revelation is absolutely clear, but the Sermon on the Mount is fuzzy and needs charts and graphs to figure out.

BY LINDSAY BRUEHL

I spent this Advent contemplating what it really means to repent. The world is on fire, and I am hearing so many Christians saying, “Live in peace with everyone.” We want the joy without addressing the pain — and sometimes we label righteous anger as outrage. It feels like too much to bear, I get it.

It is easy to get mad at the absolute crazy but fail to see how we are complicit in what led to the craziness. I would not understand this if I hadn’t gone through my own dark night. I was mad at those who hurt us, but when I went deep into my pain I noticed our own complicity had led to what happened. That is the hard part, facing our own darkness.

I want to talk about Jerry Falwell Jr. He was recently interviewed by the Washington Post, and what he said is absolutely horrifying. I encourage you to read it, because while it seems so far out there — and the absolute opposite of anything Jesus ever said — we have on some scale participated in this narrative.

It is not uncommon to hear people say our faith is unrealistic in public life. We have spiritualized it for the next life so we don’t really have to carry the cross Jesus invited us to carry. We have participated in a faith that seems to think Revelation is absolutely clear, but the Sermon on the Mount is fuzzy and needs charts and graphs to figure out.

The reason people are entertained by people like Falwell Jr. (and his father) is because what they say and do is interesting — even if terrifying. The rest of us “good” Christians have been largely absent from the public sphere and are not telling an interesting story at all. That is why no one is listening.

Jesus’ life was a counter-narrative to Caesar. Jesus was mostly funded by women. He had no money, but he caught the attention of the powerful. He was telling a story people wanted to hear — except the powerful who were going to lose. Zaccheus is a great example in the Bible of someone who had been participating in empire economics but wanted to change. Repentance is clearly shown in that story; he was going to change and pay back what he had cheated people by giving it back fourfold. He showed a heart that was transformed by the gospel. Repentance is a changed heart and life.

Donald Miller in Blue Like Jazz wrote about setting up a confessional on the Reed College campus where most are hostile to Christians because of how we have treated them. But the catch was this wouldn’t be a place for outsiders to come confess their sins. Instead, the Christians were going to confess their own sins against the nonbelievers — how unloving they have been, their bitterness, the crusades, televangelists. It was really powerful, and the response he got was similar to what I am hearing from our skeptical friends who are seeing what’s happening at Wilshire.

People know Jesus is better than the story we have told but don’t want to participate with Christians because we have been exclusionary — and we reject wonder. Being stuck in time is killing our imagination, joy and wonder. The world is looking to us to humble ourselves and repent for what we have created. We were warned and did not listen.

The world really does want to see Jesus and believe this world matters too. It isn’t some escapism to another world. We can all flourish and participate in this world God invited us to co-create together.

Why development and community should be the focus of competitive soccer instead of winning and playing games.

Most of my life has revolved around competitive soccer. Starting in 1987 as a 10 year old player to the present as I continue to be involved as a coach. So much has changed over this period of time, most notably the financial burden on families now. When I started playing, we did not pay any dues to our coach or team. The only costs were for uniforms, leagues and tournaments. Now families can expect to pay at least $2,000 per year and in extreme cases upwards to $8,000 per year to play competitive soccer. The financial costs are usually to biggest complaint of families, but I want to tell you that the monetary costs are the least harmful that these families will end up paying.

Soccer used to be a sport made up of local players from the community that formed teams and went and played teams from other communities. Players wanted to win to have the bragging rights at school and around town, but the game was also about having fun. Good coaches focused on developing a player’s skill and also a love for the game. This is the soccer that I love and this is why I coach.

I have been the varsity boys’ soccer coach at Sachse High School since 2007. In the time I have been the coach, our team has seen great success, but we have also been at the bottom. I love coaching high school soccer. The game is played for all of the right reasons and it is basically free to play (except for socks…always need new socks). The team is formed from boys from the community who play because they love the game. They work hard to win because they take pride in wanting their school to be the best. There are bragging rights when they win that they can take back to their club teams which are made up of boys from multiple schools. There is not a better example of what this game is supposed to represent, a love for the community and a love for the game, than school soccer.

I chose to stay away from club soccer when Lindsay and I moved to Texas in 2004 because I didn’t like all of the politics that went with competitive soccer. It wasn’t until 2007, when my daughter started to show a desire to play club soccer, that I thought about coaching club again. Mutiny FC was a local club whose mission statement focused on community, families, and development. They chose the Mutiny name because the leadership wanted to be different than the other pay to play clubs and not just focus on winning. This all sounded great to me and my daughter started playing for one of their teams. The team she joined was very good. The players were athletic and very skilled and Kimberlyn was just trying to find her role on the team. She was loving the team and playing with these talented girls, but then the top players left just one season after we had joined reminding me of the dark side of club soccer.

The hardest thing for independent clubs like Mutiny FC which focused on community and development is keeping players once the teams start getting noticed by the bigger clubs. Kimberlyn’s team was beating the teams from the bigger clubs. The beginning of the end for her team started when the coach was offered a job at one of the big clubs where winning was a focus and he chose to leave. These same clubs then started offering the top players spots on their teams. Parents were sold on these other clubs because they were convinced that their daughter would be a better player if they played for a bigger club. I had a hard time understanding why these parents were buying this nonsense! The only reason why our players were being recruited was because those teams were not as talented as our team, and they chose to leave when these big clubs waived their fees in order to entice the parents to move their kids! It made no sense to me. We chose to stay even though we knew the team was starting over. I helped the new coach find new players and we struggled for two years. I helped find another new coach when the other coach started to get discouraged with the players who were still leaving instead of focusing on developing the ones who were choosing to stay. It took a lot of work, but we finally put a group of girls together who played for each other and went through enough hard times that they finally were finally on the edge of taking the next step. The team entered classic league qualifications as the lowest seed and with only 12 healthy players, but shocked everyone but themselves by qualifying for classic league! They finished in the middle of the standings, one spot out of a guaranteed placement the next year. I had no concerns about qualifying again, but once again success brought problems. Just like before, other clubs came calling on our top players and offered scholarships and the promise of success. Instead of sticking with the team that had stuck together through the tough times and the become like a family, those players chose to leave the day before tryouts were to start for the next season. This left several girls without a team and no time for us to try and find new girls to replace the ones leaving. Once again, we chose to stay because we loved the community more than the opportunity to play for teams just wanting to add players to win.

That same year my daughter’s team was enjoying their success, I was asked by seven families if I would help put together a team for their daughters. I did not know any of these families. All I knew was that these girls were not chosen to play on one of the other teams in our club. I was impressed by their desire to try and put a team together after just having been turned away at tryouts, so I agreed to coach them. The first practices were nothing like I have ever been a part of before. The girls didn’t know me, I didn’t know them, and we were all trying to figure out what our roles were going to be with this new team. Only having seven players made it impossible to practice game tactics, but it was perfect because the low numbers allowed me to focus on teaching these girls the skills they were lacking. It truly was about development. We had to borrow girls from other teams in our club in order to play games and we lost most of our games by a wide margin, but the girls were having fun and getting better. The girls started to invite their friends to practices. We were growing. The next season, we went grew from 7 players to 12 players. The girls continued to get better and I was getting excited about tryouts for the next year. We had 5 girls choose to not tryout again the next year for various reasons, but still ended up with a roster of 13 girls. This included my daughter and one of her teammates from her classic league team that also chose to stay. We had decent success playing a new league as we continued to focus on development instead of wins. Now entering our third year as a team, we have 15 players on our roster. We still have 2 players from the original 7 that started this team. We have also had several players asked to join other teams that have been more successful than us in terms of wins and losses and the level of league play, but they have all chosen to stay. Currently, this team is on the top of the standings in the same league that we finished 9th out of 10 teams last year.

I also coach a second team made up of younger girls about 10 years of age. I started this team the same time as my other team, about 3 years ago, but this team has gone through the same growing pains as my daughter’s first two teams. We started with 5 girls. This was perfect because the game were 4 versus 4 and all of the girls would get to play a lot. We had decent success which attracted more players. We added 2 more players the next season and continued to focus on development instead of wins. We had a lot of change to start our second season when 4 girls decided to not play with our team, but we added 7 players for a total of 9 girls. We still focused on development over wins, but this team grew quickly and the success came just as quickly. I was hoping this team would be like my other girls, but instead it turned out more like my daughter’s teams. The bigger clubs came calling and convinced some of the parents that the girls would improve faster by playing more games at a higher level of competition and more tournaments and the result was 3 of our girls choosing to leave. This left our team a little disheartened because we only had 6 players and our new league required us to have a roster of at least 10 players. Once again, our girls talked to some friends and other families from the community heard about our players improving and our team grew from 6 players to 14 players. We continue to develop and the girls are getting better every game and practice and new players are visiting all the time.

I would like to say that I don’t take things personally as a coach when families choose to leave and play for other teams, but that is just not the case. So much time and energy is invested in developing these players and watching them improve so quickly and use their skills to find success in games is awesome. To see these families leave because they were convinced that playing more games at a higher level and more tournaments would develop the players faster is hard. Is there a benefit to playing at the highest level? Yes, but only if the players are getting an equal opportunity to play and make mistakes. Players improve and develop in training that focuses on development. The idea that players improve by playing more games make no sense. That is like a teacher saying students improve by taking more tests instead of doing practice work and homework? I love the families I get to work with and the girls I get to coach, even the families that chose to leave. My dream when all is said and done is this, I hope families will start to understand that other teams would not be trying to take our players unless we were doing things the right way by focusing on developing individual players that love the game.

See also Lindsay’s post on Youth Sports It is OK to slow down- YOUTH SPORTS! and Our Mutiny FC Story

America First is Nationalism

One of the most vital things an American Christian can do right now is resist the hijacking of Christian faith by American nationalism. —Brian Zahnd

I want to start off by saying that I don’t hate Trump. I feel quite sorry for him actually. He is a deeply wounded soul that is hurting others because his pain has never been transformed. In the words of Richard Rohr (my favorite author, writer, speaker, mystic, spiritual guide) – “If we do not transform our pain, we will most assuredly transmit it.”

Trump tapped into many wounded souls and grew a platform based on fear. I was shocked white christians not only supported him, but championed him as their guy who will save America #MAGA. He was called God’s chosen one despite saying he has never asked for forgiveness, which is foundational to the christian faith. The sexual assault, the vulgar language, the name calling, racism, xenophobia, building a wall Mexico would pay for, saying I could shoot someone and I would still get elected, etc. did not matter and only seemed to boost his popularity. People in pain liked seeing those of us with a different point of view being called names. I won’t write too much more on this because I have written about it in previous blog posts. Trump captured the American fear. Fear is a beast. What happens is we become what we fear. People are now talking and saying things I don’t think would have publicly come out of their mouth before. I can say the same for myself as well.

Trump was happening at the same time my own personal life was falling apart (I have written a lot about this in previous blog posts). I wasn’t alone. Jonathan Martin said to not be surprised that while the world is falling apart, your life is falling apart too. Jonathan spoke words almost daily that hit the pain of what I was feeling that day. He had been there and was guiding so many of us. I learned God is doing something new, and America is in trouble. We are doing what all empires do when they are about to fall, try to go back to the good old days. There is this belief America was perfect at one time, or close enough to perfect that we should return there. What got overlooked was American history has another point of view other than white male. We forgot we got started by stealing people from their homeland, made them slaves and believed they were better off serving as our slaves than living in their homeland. We forced them here – we did not persuade them. This statement is directed at Senator Ben Sasse. We also did not persuade the Native Americans to let us kill them, rape them, take their land, or if merciful we let them assimilate and lose their heritage to be white. We also did not persuade women to let men do all the voting, decision making, and tolerate abuse because “boys will be boys”. I will list books I have read that give the point of view of others who experienced America a bit differently in the “America again” phase of life. I am not saying America hasn’t done anything good, but we have a really hard time talking about our sins. This continues today. I understand why we have a hard time confessing these sins. It is painful. Losing the full narrative is hard.

I grew up Church of Christ. I guess we were patriotic, but we did not talk about it that much. We were pretty good about separation of church and state. I said the pledge of allegiance at school, but my honor for those who have served wasn’t from my pledge to a flag. Honestly, I always thought I don’t pledge allegiance to a flag–I pledge allegiance to God. When people were upset because some people did not want to stand for the pledge for religious reasons – I thought we should be sensitive to them and allow them to sit out. Freedom of Religion should make room for this and does, but people are not allowing it. Strange because to me that is freedom when we have the freedom to choose. This was before I knew the flag was going to be the American idol draped over a cross. I thought it was genius the Founders (who are not God and made many mistakes) made it legal to protest the flag-even burn it. That is a really good thing they thought important, provided they were escaping their own nationalism! I am not promoting burning the flag, but when I see the flag coming before human lives it pisses me off. We honor those who served by taking care of them. We help them assimilate back to life with anything they need (mental health, money, food, shelter, etc), and work like hell not to go to WAR. Also, we need to remember those who built America – black lives. The president calls their countries shitholes. Those shitholes built America. They worked for our freedom, and then had to work for their own freedom and still are. It is disrespectful we won’t let them kneel during the anthem to honor their lives. Their lives built America, and their lives are being taken unjustly by police and the justice system.

I did not write that above paragraph to make myself sound great and others the bad “other”. I had hang ups. I have written about some of them in previous blog posts. I just never was particularly moved by the flag. During the Olympics – yes, or during the funeral of someone who served – yes. Those instances can move me to tears. But even in the Olympics the flag can be protested, and I have written about some who have protested and then are sent to exile–Vera Caslavska to name one. We get confused on loyalty. All countries do, but I am going to focus on America because America is my home. Those who say “America First” will say they are doing the same thing. That is a great argument, but the world is on fire. We cannot run away from it. American has the biggest military in the world. We are occupying places – like Yemen- and we never ask why. We go to wars that don’t make sense – George W. Bush took us to war even though we did not find weapons of mass destruction. This sent ISIS into full throttle when we could not help Iraq rebuild. ISIS was coming, but we destroyed a nation and left them to dry and in danger. We have to say when we make horrible mistakes. Bush is now an artist honoring those who served. It is a great start, but I am still waiting on repentance.

What we don’t see is fear leads to nationalism. We want to feel safe. It is understandable. We read the Bible and the ones we view as “bad” we do not typically picture ourselves as one of them. We have always viewed ourselves as the hero, maybe not Jesus hero, but the ones we think are “good”. Even the ones we think are “good” upon closer look have some major hang ups, horrible hang ups actually–makes me wonder why we think they are the hero. This is not an excuse to act like any of them, but to take comfort we are all deeply flawed, but God uses us – even the ones we view as “bad”- we are them too. The Bible is complicated and I love it. It is a messy human story, just like us. It is easy to demonize the people who cheered for Barabbas and let Jesus die. We call out Pilot who we might view as weak when he did not really want to kill Jesus, was warned by his wife not to, and said the blood would not be on his hands. Ouch! That actually sounds a lot like us. The people cheering for Barabbas and Pilot. Jesus scared them- Jesus scares us. He was and is different. Jesus’s sermon on the Mount is quite clear, but they/we act like it is a puzzle because it requires dying to ourselves. Jesus was and is telling us about a living God who was and is moving to new territory, and the empire wanted and wants the good ole days.

Barabbas reminds me a lot of Trump. He is someone we know isn’t who we think a moral person should be, but the change that is happening is far scarier than letting them loose. They speak the language of their/our country they/we remember, and they/we explain away everything we know is absolutely horrible for our “safety”. In the process of doing this we kill Jesus again (people are dying). The Pentecostal movement, when healthy, know they are serving a living God, a God who moves. Jesus was killed because he moves too fast. The Spirit moves too fast for us. Where the church is wrestling – that is exactly where the spirit is.

I have more to say that I will say in another blog post. I will talk about my journey listening to pastors on what nationalism is, and why they believe Barabbas was a good ole boy nationalist vs the image we previously had of him. I had to write this first before I can get there.

From the movie A Star is Born, the lyrics from the song “Maybe It’s Time” speaks to America right now.

Maybe it’s time to let the old ways die
Maybe it’s time to let the old ways die
It takes a lot to change a man, hell it takes a lot to try
Maybe it’s time to let the old ways die

Nobody knows what awaits for the dead
Nobody knows what awaits for the dead
Some folks just believe in the things they’ve heard and the things they’ve read
Nobody knows what awaits for the dead

I’m glad I can’t go back to where I came from
I’m glad those days are gone, gone for good
But if I could take spirits from my past and bring ’em here
You know I would, you know I would

Nobody speaks to God these days
Nobody speaks to God these days
I’d like to thank He’s looking down and laughing at our ways
Nobody speaks to God these days

When I was a child they tried to fool me
Said the world lament was lost and that the hell was real
But I’ve seen hell in Reno and these walls want big ol’
Catherine wheel spinning still

Maybe it’s time to let the old ways die
Maybe it’s time to let the old ways die
It takes a lot to change your plans, hell of train to change your mind
Maybe it’s time to let the old ways die
Oh, maybe it’s time to let the old ways die

My favorite picture of Blake! Kids teach us we cannot hold on forever. They change and grow, and that is exactly how God planned it to be. We change.

You are not alone

This week has been one of the best weeks of my life and one of the worst weeks of my life. Attending the Preaching Practicum was one of the best experiences of my life. I was invited to the table to participate in the kingdom of God fully; my gender, background, age didn’t matter. I learned so much and felt so much love my heart could burst.

I even did my first public prayer ever, and it was in the presence of people I really feel unworthy of praying in front of because in my head I am thinking, “Who am I?” They are the ones who know what they are doing. I realize none of that is true, but when you have been raised a certain way, these thoughts are hard to overcome, no matter how free you may feel. Plus, I have no idea what I am doing. I am just listening to the Spirit and going places I never envisioned. It is really exciting, and it makes me nervous almost every day.

Praying that prayer did something to me, though. It was a transformative moment. I was so nervous going up to the podium, but I walked off feeling comforted. My heart just poured out to God, and I felt the support from the people in the room. None of them acted like I was crazy for being nervous either. They validated that my first prayer with Tony and Peggy Campolo in the room was intense. Like I always say, just hearing your feelings validated is empowering. No one fixed anything or said any magic words; they just agreed it is nerve-wracking and I would do great.

Wilshire pastoral residents are the best, by the way. They walked beside me every step of the way and encouraged me. I love all of you! George has cheered me on from the beginning of my time at Wilshire. I can’t vouch I did great, but I will vouch that I did it. I feel like a kid learning how to walk, and every little step I take that is new feels like our kids when they look at us so excitedly because they took that step and did not fall.

It is surreal to be on this journey. It happened because I went through a dark night. I remember my heart actually ached for two years straight. I could feel the pain and wondered if it would ever feel OK again. I would cry at the drop of a hat. Sometimes at Wal-mart, work or at home. What brought me back to life was Scripture. Which is surprising because for a while I only liked Jesus, and I thanked Scripture for that, but I wasn’t sure I wanted the Bible anymore—just give me Jesus.

Thankfully, I heard really good teachers through books and podcasts. Funny enough, not all were Christian either. They made me see the Bible in a new light, and I began to love it. I began to relate to the people in the Bible. They knew my pain and were speaking to it. They wrote it down for us. They were trying to figure out how to deal with their pain too, and sometimes they screwed up royally when dealing with it.

As Scripture brought me back to life, I realized I wanted to help do this for other people too. I did not know what that would look like, and I had no idea God leading us to Wilshire was going to be a place that would notice and start making that feeling a reality. I don’t even know how to put into words what this feels like. All that comes out is, “I love you, Wilshire!’ I pretty much say it every day.

It is hard when you are on a high to have your low hit again. The latest political fiasco has brought back some of the painful feelings of my past. I engaged with some friends in a way I wish I would have thought longer about before responding. I should have been prepared for the hit when something so amazing just happened. Darkness shows up when the light starts winning. I fell for it.

I am glad I have a place to write about this. Writing helps us discover what is happening. I discovered my own story by writing. So, I ask in the words of Michael W. Smith: “Pray for me, and I will pray for you.” These coming days are going to be so full of joy and pain. We will see the kingdom of God, and we will see what is not of the kingdom. Our glimpses of the kingdom keep us going.

Also, we need to remember we are not alone. I am thankful I can write this to you asking for help. We cannot take on every battle. We need each other. I am forever grateful to have you on this journey, Wilshire.

September 2018 Part 1

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This group is a bunch of trouble makers. I love them!

September 2018 may have been the wildest ride of my life – up and down emotionally. That is saying a lot because this ride has been pretty bizarre for a while. The highs have been high, and the lows have been low–but I know you can be extremely joyful and righteously mad at the same time. It is possible, and I am experiencing both right now. When you are seeing visions of the Kingdom and what is not of the Kingdom at the same time, you will feel both emotions.

The shooting of Botham Jean by a Dallas Police officer hurt so much. That was tragic, and the police got preferential treatment during the investigation. Insane. Then the principality of racism came in to smear his name the day he was laid to rest to somehow justify why the cop showed up and had to kill him. This is evil of the highest level that I have ever witnessed in my life. Botham Jean was (in the words of Rev. Freddy Haynes) a choir boy. It is easy to know this was wrong and feel sad his life was taken in the most unjust way. It is murder. What about the other black lives that die at the hands of police? Maybe they aren’t doing everything right, but they deserve to live. White people get the benefit of the doubt all of the time. It is a fact that black lives are more likely to be taken by police than white lives. The justice system is extremely racist too. Minorities are more likely to get harsher sentences. It is white fragility. Texas our death penalty is immoral. Most of the nation has moved on from this method because it is cruel and unusual. Guess who is more likely to get the death penalty? We lead the nation executing people, and some are innocent! We cannot call ourselves the Bible Belt when we kill people. People of the Bible were called to be merciful. We are the Death Belt. This must stop.

My pastor and friend, George Mason, addressed the shooting of Botham Jean from the pulpit. He was bold and prophetic, and did not mince any words on racism. Shaun King, a powerful journalist advocating for racial justice, picked up George’s video and shared it on social media. He was grateful a white pastor addressed the shooting, racism, and police brutality of black lives from the pulpit. It went viral. Normally I don’t read comments, but since this was about my church I decided to read the reactions. I was shocked to read so many who were grateful a white pastor cared- I was shocked because the concept seemed so foreign to them. Some were making accusations about our reactions because we looked bored or were quiet. I knew they were speaking from their pain. I thought long and hard before responding. I knew the heart of our church, so I responded pretty boldly about who we are, and if they knew us they would know we are a justice oriented church in the trenches as their allies. We are an all-inclusive church, and we follow up our words with action. George preaches like this all the time. I was ready for the vitriol to come after responding, but I actually received so many thank you’s for telling them about us. They said no one like me ever tells them this. Shaun King even liked my response. Wow. They also trusted me because I knew specific things about racism because I have been reading–and I attended a King Teach In in January with George Mason and Freddy Haynes.

Then a reporter reached out to me. He reached out to me via Twitter because he saw my response on Twitter. He was going to call the church to talk to Pastor Mason, but decided I would be good to talk to also since I was in the service–and I could probably get him to George a bit faster. I looked up his company and liked that they were solutions-based journalism. They are not looking for a negative angle. I wanted to take this interview for 2 reasons 1) to see if it could help amplify Wilshire’s voice of justice, 2) to talk about Wilshire’s LGBT inclusion, and our work with other faiths. Here’s what Isaac Saul emailed me about his news outlet A Plus:

“Thanks so much for being open to speak! I work for http://www.aplus.com, we’re a positive news outlet with a huge reach (2 million followers on FB, 100 million monthly content views across our platforms). We like to write about “solutions” instead of problems, or people who are a shining light in times of darkness.”

And here’s the follow up email once the article posted..

“On another note, you and Pastor Mason might be interested in Rabbi Mike Moskowitz of NYC. He is actually my Rabbi and one of the country’s great Talmudic scholars, but also one if its great justice warriors. He has a trans son and an incredible library of work about issues you and your congregation might care about. Encourage you to check out his work: https://www.rabbimikemoskowitz.com/”

Then a few days later a Fort Worth police officer was shot dead (and he had a gun – killing the narrative guns make us safer – pun intended). We live in a culture that won’t address the problem we have with guns. We are losing beautiful souls, and when we speak up about it-the powerful are lashing out that we don’t respect authority and the flag. That is just bullshit. The police are dying too for crying out loud. We are also sending veterans to unjust wars and denying them help when they return home. They need more from us than to stand for a flag. That is pretending to do something without doing anything at all. I don’t mind if people stand for the flag, but that’s not where our ultimate loyalty should lie.

The powerful have nothing to say in their defense of innocent lives being taken, so they are turning us into the enemies who disrespect a flag (last I checked a flag isn’t human) and disrespecting the police. Sorry, you have to do better than that when we are dying. Our children, black lives, police, veterans, etc. are dying. This logic doesn’t hold up.

Ruling by law and order is not how anyone wants to be governed. It isn’t just. That is how we silence people who are not getting the same benefits as the powerful. You can try raising your kids by law and order, but they will rebel or become very anxious souls. Freedom is when you know in your heart you are truly loved. That love will drive you to love others. Love will let you live with an openness to God in new and fresh ways. God cannot be defined or controlled. Life really is that free and wonderful, but we aren’t free until we are all free. Freedom and love are never about control. Injustice is a violation of people- a violation of love.

Now for the highs:

I have had some opportunities presented to me that I never in my life thought I wanted to do, but am finding that I love it. Love has busted my heart wide open to new adventures. Even doing things I swore I wasn’t cut out to do. I live for reading the Bible with fresh eyes and discussing with people who are equally passionate about it. I want to tell this story to anxious souls. It is good news for everyone – the oppressed and the oppressor.

I was invited to attend the Preaching Practicum with so many of my spiritual heroes at Wilshire. Tony Campolo was brought in for this conference. Most of those heroes are in my church – it isn’t just Tony Campolo, but getting to meet Tony has been a dream of mine. He is one reason I went on a search for Wilshire. I loved what he was saying about Red Letter Christians and justice. I used to listen to him and Shane Claiborne almost weekly on the Red Letter Christian podcast during my sojourn away from church. I was motivated by both of them. My book club talked to Shane via Skype last year about the death penalty. It was enlightening – especially living in a state that is guilty of using the death penalty-#1 offender in the nation.

I was asked to pray my first public prayer at the Preaching Practicum. My first public prayer was going to be with my heroes. People who know what they are doing, and people I don’t feel worthy of speaking in front of because “who am I?”!! I have no idea what I’m doing, and I am extremely shy – what is happening?!. Plus, years of being raised not to speak in front of men. My first public prayer was in front of Tony Campolo for crying out loud. Thankfully, I got to meet Tony before the prayer. He invited me to his table. Say What?! Then he told me I had too much personality for a career in bookkeeping. I was dying. I also fell in love with his wife. Peggy might be my favorite. That prayer changed me. I went up to the podium extremely nervous, but in prayer you look down, and it felt like a conversation between me and God. I walked off the podium feeling transformed. My nerves were gone, and I started to believe maybe I am called to do this.

Then we went to dinner at George Mason’s house with the ministers and their spouses. I got to sit and eat with Tony Campolo and his wife Peggy. Peggy and Jake were having the best time talking. Peggy and Tony were apparently wondering/concerned about who I married. They really wanted to know who I landed. This makes me laugh so hard. At the end of the event, Peggy told me she was so glad she adored my husband because she loved me so much. Ok, I could have died right then. She told me specifically what she loved about Jake, and it is exactly what makes me love him so much too.

Then on Sunday, I lead the discussion on the Apostle Paul in my Sunday School class. Several members of our class have MDivs, so I was really nervous. But it was such a great conversation, and I will write on that in Part II. I chose Paul, and I will explain that choice later also. Paul is a big character to take on- controversial too.

So, to close out this long blog post, the month of September started with me listening to a meditation by the Liturgists. It was called “Fall In”. Science Mike, Mike McHargue, started the mediation with the creation story. I ended up falling asleep which was so necessary for my soul because I have been losing sleep over everything that is happening (good and bad). I woke up to the last sentence though. I can’t make this up – he said “You are star dust. You are made of God. Do not be afraid.” What a beautiful meditation to start this month that brought so many highs and lows. I have kept going back to this meditation as my emotions have fluctuated throughout this month.

In my next post I will address the sexual assault debacle and how misreading Paul plays into this mess. Racism and misogyny go together because “wives submit to your husbands” is usually listed right along with “slaves obey your masters.” I think Paul was doing something different than we think when writing those letters, but how we have interpreted them in our churches is playing out right now in our everyday lives–and it is also how we founded our country. It’s white supremacy- slave holding religion.

Here is the link to Isaac Saul’s article.

https://aplus.com/a/pastor-george-mason-botham-jean-death

A time to be silent…and a time to speak

It is incredibly difficult to speak in a transformative way in a dualistic-minded society. On one hand, I am telling everyone silence is complicity, and on the other, you cannot hear God unless you are silent.

Both statements are true, and this is where wisdom must come into play. Wisdom truly is crying out in our streets, as stated in Proverbs 1:20.

Can we lament how blatant and awful and above ground—with no embarrassment whatsoever—racism is right now? I know racism has been at play since the founding of our country, but it is really out in the open right now. I know it is because it is being challenged. Power doesn’t back down. Empires are committed to their systems.

Just recently, the super racist Social Justice Gospel statement was released, and Amanda Mintz wrote about it here last week. Then, the Serena Williams racist cartoon came out after the incredibly misogynistic umpire-imposed penalties on her and seriously tainted the U.S. Open. And finally, yet another police officer shot and ended another black life. When will it be said too many have died? This encompasses everyone: children’s lives, black lives, police lives, women’s lives, religious people in their own place of worship.

I want to talk about Botham Jean. I did not know him, but he comes from my church heritage, the Church of Christ. It is funny how you feel a connection when you hear something like that even without ever meeting. One of my dear friends from my former church sent me a video of Botham Jean leading worship at Harding University. It was so beautiful. I wept without ceasing for a good bit. He led “In Christ Alone,” and the beautiful acapella singing from the group took me back to what I do love so much about my heritage. Church of Christ people love to sing.

This video revealed the complexities of life. A life that should still be here leading worship that my soul remembers so well. I don’t agree 100 percent with the theology of “In Christ Alone” anymore (the whole satisfying the wrath of God thing is not my theology), but the ending gives me chills every time:

No guilt in life, no fear in death, This is the power of Christ in me.From life's first cry to final breath,Jesus commands my destiny.No power of hell, no scheme of man,Can ever pluck me from his hand.’Til he returns or calls me homeHere in the power of Christ I'll stand.

Speaking up in times like these is really difficult. Sometimes I wonder if what I say is just in vain. It seems to be getting worse and not better, and we cannot make any meaningful change because we have closed ourselves off to each other. This “for or against” society is killing us literally and spiritually.

George’s sermon was so important this past week. We need to find what is closed off in us so we can remain open for the healing power of God. Amen. And I am grateful to be a part of the church that believes justice is essential to the gospel.

Eugene Cho says this, “Social justice is not the totality of the gospel, but the gospel without a commitment to neighbor, mercy, justice and common good (aka social justice) is not a faithful gospel. The gospel not only saves, but also ushers in the kingdom of God.”

I am listening to a book on Paul and found a point where Paul is working really hard with Barnabas on something new, but he is getting weary. Are their efforts in vain? He also believed the Spirit would finish the work that was started and found many not participating, trusting the Spirit would take care of it. Paul then tells them this in 1 Corinthians to make it clear ushering in the kingdom requires our physical bodies, and we must train our bodies for the work:

“Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way as to take the prize. Everyone who competes in the games trains with strict discipline. They do it for a crown that is perishable, but we do it for a crown that is imperishable. Therefore, I do not run aimlessly; I do not fight like I am beating the air. No, I discipline my body and make it my slave, so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified.”

Recently, I haven’t been doing a great job practicing such disciplines, and it shows. What lies ahead is hard, but we are kingdom people believing in the intersection of heaven and earth. We must discipline our bodies by being silent, so when we do need to speak (like now) we are not beating against the air just making noise.

We have a better story. We have a story that creates life, not destroys life. A life where there is enough for all (“There is no longer Jews or Gentile, slave or free, male and female. For you are all one in Christ Jesus.”) This is a message that lives today and is including more diversity today.

https://www.facebook.com/34320222/posts/10104012574730214/