Tonight I was listening to a Rob Bell podcast that was recorded in 2016 after the Pulse Night Club shooting.  The title of the podcast is “Orlando”.  I recommend everyone go and listen to it.  He addresses several hard topics we need to start talking about now.  I am going to write this post, and then take a break for a bit.  My soul is getting weary again.  I need to follow the advice of my Preparing for Worship piece this morning, Contemplation, and take a Sabbath.  My soul needs renewal.

I believe in humanity.  I believe the spirit within us that is telling us this isn’t right is of God. I am needing time to believe this truly again in my heart. Listening to Rob’s podcast about Pulse was so heartbreaking to relive once again.  Fifty people were killed in a night club – a gay night club, a place these beautiful souls could feel safe, because the rest of the world isn’t safe for them.  Then evil happens.  The worst US mass shooting in history-at that point.  There is no other word but evil for the gun violence in America. People will be quick to say ISIS was responsible, but seem to bear no responsibility that assault rifle was bought legally int the US.  No other country has this problem.  The people standing in the way of gun reform are part of a cult, and they don’t know it.  The NRA is well funded, and devilishly got in the system and grabbed the attention of the white church by preying on fears. How many more tragic events have happened in this country since Pulse?  My heart can’t even bear to look it up and give you the stat, but lets remember Pulse is no longer the worst massacre – Las Vegas.  There are so many school shootings elementary, middle school, high school, college – no one is exempt.

Guns, Police, Black Lives, LGBT, women’s rights, religious freedom for more than just christians, etc are all conversations we need to start having now.  When Jake and I sat down with one of our friends who is part of the police department- he told me he loves Trump because he calls them when every officer dies.  I told him that is great.  He isn’t calling the schools when every child or teacher dies.  He is even demonizing kids who have survived a massacre who want gun reform.

The demonizing of Colin Kaepernick is so disturbing on so many levels.  He is lamenting the loss of lives of black lives at the hands of police, and our society won’t listen to it.  Instead we are waving an oppressive police flag, and saying All lives matter.  They do, but we aren’t acting like all lives matter.  Black lives have a case.  Why aren’t lives lost at the hands of police as sad as losing our police?  White supremacy is a tough beast.  The US needs an exorcism of White supremacy.  I don’t use words like this often.  I know I have been listening to pentecostals, but I agree with Rob Bell when he says there are words we try to avoid because they were used in a painful way from our past, but there comes a time when we need those loaded powerful words launched into the air.

It is time to stop being afraid of hard conversations.  I realize people are mean when you bring up guns and the police.  They need to understand their hellish behavior will no longer intimidate us.  Our children, black lives, police, and so many more due to mass shootings are dying at a rate we can no longer sit back in fear and not speak to and fight.

Several things I want the police to understand: 1) I support them when they serve as humble public servants 2) They need to speak to their violence 3) They need to address the police flags people wave.  Not trying to stop people, but those flags represent oppression, not support for the police.  There is a serious abuse of power, and the police must address it 4) When they kill, and I will say there is never a just killing, but especially those you can’t even pretend to justify – it is MURDER, not manslaughter!  You don’t get a special pass being police 5) This is to our police and our politicians – you serve all of us.  You don’t just serve your perceived base-we are all your base.  6) You need to say Black lives matter loudly.   That will be a step towards healing, and work on your own fears of black lives.  Even if you are not actively participating in the behavior, the fact you are part of the police system requires you to speak.  I say the same for the church all the time.  We have to take responsibility for being a part of a system that is abusing even if we are not- think Joe Paterno at Penn State.  In the end he protected Penn State vs the children, and many people were fine he did the bare minimum because he did enough to say he followed the rules.  He knew he was wrong.  Rules are the minimum – we go beyond the rules, and sometimes break the rules for justice.

I am not comfortable saying any of this.  Honestly, I feel like the prophet Jeremiah all the time when he is breaking down emotionally when people are not liking him anymore.  But the word of God is a fire in my belly.  I have seen Heaven on earth.  It is open and beautiful, and available to all.  I will not accept this violence and aggression from anyone anymore.  Let’s come to the table and talk.  Let the one who is hurt speak first, and BELIEVE THEM.

As Christianity rose to a position of power, rational thinking and individuals’ needs took priority over embodied, non dual consciousness and relationships

Richard Rohr

Sabbath is a desperately needed practice in our culture today.  We live in a constant production work until you drop society.  Telling people their worth does not come from what they produce is a radical thought and needs to be emphasized over and over. People are dying to know they are loved exactly as they are, but our society is so competitive it is hard to believe this when we are never silent and finding our worth in production.  There is no escape for many as too many churches are playing this game too.  Walter Brueggemann writes in “Sabbath as a Resistance” that Sabbath takes our minds from scarcity to abundance.

Contemplation came to me in a very dark night.  I had no idea what to do, and I wasn’t sure I was ever going to feel ok again.  I listened to a two minute meditation on a podcast, and I was hooked.  I signed up as a patreon to this podcast so I could get the longer versions and practice this method everyday.  The change in me was radical after about day 10.  All of the sudden, things that would trigger me were no longer triggering me.  I was calm now.  I no longer  just saw the world that was leaving me, but I saw the new world that was coming.  I was going to Sams and connecting to the employees on a very deep level. People I saw all the time were now some of the dearest people to me, and I could not wait for Mondays to see them. I was having deeply spiritual conversations with everyone around me, including my pest management serviceman.

There is something about going to the desert space to empty ourselves and experience spiritual renewal to return to our prophetic calling.  Action and contemplation go together.   One of my very favorite moments on the Jimmy Fallon show happened recently.  He had Deepak Chopra on the show and he lead the audience in a two minute meditation.  I participated and it was amazing, but two minutes isn’t long enough for me now.  I see a world that is to come.  Let us practice some kind of Sabbath to hang on to hope during this crazy 24 hour news cycle.

https://m.facebook.com/notes/wilshire-baptist-church/facing-principalities-and-powers/10160719578850317/

I don’t know about you, but I have been struggling with sanity these past two weeks.  Self care is especially important in moments like these, and I need to get back to my Spiritual disciplines so I can remain conscious.  What we are facing is serious and will not be for the faint of heart. Interesting George’s sermon addressed power and principality this week as that is what I had planned to write about this week. It is in the air.

I am grateful to have listened to Jonathan Martin so closely the last two years putting in my head over and over the concept of Power and Principality.  Ephesians 6:12 is a verse I have put as an anthem in my heart so I will not dehumanize anyone.

“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against rulers, against authorities, against powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”

Interesting anyone would use Paul as a prop for empire when you read a verse like this. Jonathan Martin reminded us over and over that we are talking to the principality that has a hold of the person. It’s important to say it’s name: White supremacy, racism, misogyny, xenophobia, homophobia, etc. White supremacy is a very old principality and is a tough beast. If you notice when you say one of the many names it encompasses, it gets really insecure. If you say racism – that is more offensive than the racist act itself. I mentioned in my last post Jesus got the name of Legion before he cast the demon to the wild pigs. We will not cast out the dark forces until we say it’s name. The principality trembles at its name.  Plus, we cannot see the source of darkness until we name it.  Why do we need so many nonprofits for justice?  Our systems are creating these injustices.  We need to know how we are participating in it.

Scripture has given me comfort in these days of lamentations. Our brothers and sisters before us know what we are going through.  This is what they were up against too. We have been blessed with ancient wisdom to guide us. We even get to see the error of their ways. The Bible is unique in the fact that it critiques itself. These were not people who had their stuff together all the time.  They got scared and did weird stuff too.  Saint Peter wasn’t perfect- he denied Jesus three times and was warned he would do that, but even though he screwed up royally because of fear – he was still faithful. We can completely fail, but our faith will hold up.  Notice there is confession and repentance from followers of Jesus- not just the outsiders.  They weep and feel deep grief.  Jacob wrestles all night with God. Jacob was not overpowered so the man, angel, or God (however you want to describe the Spirit) touches his hip and leaves him with a limp.  When we love we will be left with a limp.  Brian Zhand also said this, “We will wrestle with God, until we see the face of God in our own Esau.”

I have a suspicion (or knowing) the oppressors are in a lot of pain.  There is pain in letting go of a narrative that has kept one safe for so long, and feeling like the narrative was owned-not to be interpreted any other way.  Pain that has been bottled up for so long, because we were told not to trust our feelings.  I cannot tell you how many times I was told I was too emotional, or I would hear “passionate” in a mocking way.  When I got to Wilshire, my friend Emily told me I was a “conduit of pure emotion”.  That is the nicest way anyone has ever said that.  🙂  She was saying it in a good way.  While our feelings should not rule our decisions, we do need to pay attention to them and explore why we feel them.

Also, we need to discuss power.  In the words of Beth Moore, “There is no drink on this earth more intoxicating than power.” Go to the margins to stay sane.  The real power is always there.  If you gain influence – question it.  Wisdom is knowing we know very little.  Truth is of the Spirit – love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control.  If it doesn’t produce any of these attributes, then it is not true.  You will know when you are off.  You are off when you no longer feel life there.  Repent and get back on track.  Life really is that open and free, and grace really is scandalous.  It seems like a license to sin, but those who are free want no part of sin.  When you are free, you want everyone to be free.

I remember the feeling vividly waking up 2 years ago to a world I no longer recognized.  I read some of my previous Facebook posts (On This Day – memories), and remember the pain in the words I had written.  I was grieving deeply.  I would listen to podcasts and cry with people who were walking away from faith completely – they could no longer take the progressive or conservative narrative and had to leave the discussion.  What happened to our faith?…that was the question many of us were asking as we saw what we once loved in ashes.

I am writing tonight for several reasons: 1) I see the Catholic Church in a place of heart breaking brokenness 2) I am hearing the pain in people’s words – whether it be through bullying online, writing about people they miss, wanting to engage, but feel their point of view is not respected, etc. 3) The fact there is an Evangelical gathering at the White House tonight Ugh!

It seems like it should be easy to just leave, but if it were easy then nothing profound was experienced.  Relationships are never easy to leave, even when they absolutely need to end.  Pain means you loved.  I love how Glennon Doyle phrased that about pain, because it is so true.  Telling people to #EmptythePews or just leave the Catholic church, dismisses the real grief that follows a crisis of faith.  It is no small thing.  Even after my journey away from church, which lead me to a new church where I feel complete joy, in the beginning-despite all of my happiness- I still felt grief.  Pete Enns wrote a blog post on a day I was not doing well titled, “The Hardest Thing for Me about What I Do”.  He describes the grief of losing a shared narrative with friends.  That story provided comfort and safety for years.  But there is no turning back once you have walked through door number 3, and like him, I don’t want to turn back.   He rarely writes personal posts, so it really moved me he wrote his grief on a day I was feeling grief most strongly – even though I LOVED (and I still do!) my new journey.  What I am trying to say is, even when you find yourself again, you will still feel loss.  Honestly, I am glad I do.  I love people deeply.  The Eucharist is where I find my hope reconciliation will happen for all of us one day.  Our physical and spiritual needs will be met at a table big enough for EVERYBODY.

People are saying really strange things right now—I know this.  Empathy for the vulnerable is lacking to a point that is just sickening.  It is anti gospel. We have evangelicals celebrating at the White House tonight after a very odd day with how we pay our respects for Senator John McCain.  It is complete absurdity, and I am angry about it all. People are avoiding their grief and demonizing those who are saying they have been hurt. We keep thinking if we say the right religious words maybe people will get it, or God will find favor on us.  I love how Chad Mustain brought up in the story of Job, Job’s unnamed wife was actually the one most honest about her pain.  When things were just falling apart, Job kept trying to say all of the right things, but his wife was ready to curse God and die.  What is interesting, Job finally does curse God– and that is when God speaks.  The Bible has several examples of God’s most faithful friends yelling at God for God’s unfaithfulness – including Jesus when he feels forsaken on the cross.

I am reading a book called “How (Not) to Speak of God” by Peter Rollins.  It is an inspiring book with deep concepts on spirituality.  I want to share a section of the book that became a revelation for me today.  I have been harassed by pastors online.  I am seeing friends write ugly things on social media.  I also saw a pastor write about certainty in a way that broke my heart for a marginalized group.  I am also learning the deep depression many people in ministry  are experiencing.  Reading this book helped me see despite some of the ugly things people are saying, they are reacting to some force in the air.  God works with passion – be it hot or cold – spits out lukewarm  Here is what Peter Rollins wrote that is a game changer for me…

Decolonization is not just for the oppressed.  It is a gift for everyone.  Just as growing pains hurt before the growing happens, so it hurts to decolonize—for some, it hurts like hell.  And then one day, we all end up on the other side of something—–

healed.

• · I found the source of my anger with the church, and now I can work on forgiveness
• · The power of shame crumbled telling my story. It was abuse.
• · My screams of, “It’s the system and why don’t you hear me?” intersected with people of color, LGBT, poor, Muslims, etc. It is not the same pain, but it was the intersection where I could see I had been blinded by the system too.
• · We can do all the good in the world, but if pastors continue to pretend pain can be overlooked and go straight to joy, the church will stay in infant spirituality.
• · Naming the principality makes it safer for someone sitting right next to you to come out of hiding. We need to say “misogyny” and elevate women.

The other day I posted this article – https://sojo.net/articles/courageous-leadership-actually-vulnerable-humble-belonging.  It brought out very strong emotions because it articulated all too well why I walked out on church almost 2 years ago.  I was surprised by how betrayed I felt by Bob Goff being mentioned in the article.  Here is what was said:

We also need his fellow Boomer brothers in ministry, men such as Bob Goff (who wrapped Hybels in a bear hug and led a standing ovation during the Willow Creek “family meeting” back in March where Hybels called the accusations against him “flat-out lies”) and others, who have enabled or papered over Hybels’ offenses to pull a 180. They all need to come tell the truth — the whole truth — about the rampant culture of abusive power in our churches, or they need to step aside.

I had such strong emotions that I had to talk it out with Jake.  Why am I always losing my shit?  I know it seems obvious why one would be angry, but my anger is directed in a different direction.  My anger is not solely at the actual abuser.  I am angry with the nice people trying to balance the equation – always.  The people who could help create the change more swiftly.  The men who could help women have a safe environment, but just won’t speak.  They will do all the good things in the world, but yet – won’t speak.  The silence is betrayal of the highest order. Sometimes there is no balance.  There is truth and we must live that truth.  Will there be a cost, yes.  Is that cost worth it? Yes.

I am going to flip flop my time frame of my realization I have experienced abuse with church.  I am going to start with the Trump sex tape – my Facebook status said rape instead of tape, also true.  I was astounded by the silence of my brothers.  Shoot! Sisters were even defending him because nothing could possibly be worse than Hillary.  Too many white women voted for Trump.  That is a shame.  The vote did not have to go to Hillary, but Trump should clearly have been an absolute no for all of us.  Everything about Trump was against the christian witness – no repentance, sexual assault, xenophobic, racist, has not concept of morality, love of money — the list goes on.

After that tape came out, I was shaken to my core.  I was also dealing with another sexual assault case in my own personal life.  People were not acting right.  We seem to not understand abuse – or care to change it because we like the abuser. We don’t know the victim, so easier to demonize them. The apathy in my personal life and what I saw in the political environment matched.

After the tape released, one of my friends wrote this as his status.  “Come on guys.  You know we all have talked like this before.  We all say we want to raise boys to never say these things, but boys will be boys in the locker room.”  I literally lost my breath.  People I knew and respected were liking this status.  I commented – “My boy won’t.  He is going to know he is good, and that women are not objects to talk about or grab (his words said he did it!).  He can control himself.”  The responses by these white conservative christian value men were abusive.  They mocked me for thinking my son will be different.  Then they berated me about Hillary saying “She let her husband run around on their marriage”.  I said -“Excuse me? Let him run around?  So you are saying Trump is not responsible for Trump, but Hillary is responsible for her husband?”  His dad went in cruelly on me.  He eventually said, “I will see you at the polls.”  I wanted to say, but refrained, “I will be at the polls, and you better hope to God you don’t see me.”  Honestly, it was probably best for my safety.  These were friends.  Not me arguing with strangers on the internet.  People I knew in my everyday life who would do anything for us.  At least I thought.  I looked at Jake and asked, “What is this?  1950?”

Then Beth Moore spoke.  Praise the Lord!  We needed a respected conservative voice to speak.  Turns out – she is a victim of sexual abuse too.  She knew she could not stay silent.  Later on she wrote this blog post https://blog.lproof.org/2017/12/why-consent-isnt-all-there-is-to-it.html that helped me realize I have experienced sexual abuse.  I took it on as my own fault, but we were not two equally consenting parties.  One had more power and used it all the time on me.  It was emotional abuse, and when he was done with me I felt like I had thrown my life away.  All I wanted was to keep him.  I had gotten to a point I would do anything.  I was unrecognizable.  Here is the section that opened my eyes to my own abuse:

Countless women and girls (and boys) consent to sexual advances they do not welcome or want and that scar them for a lifetime. Or sometimes they consent to one thing and get something completely and disturbingly different. They do so for the same reason I did. They feel enormously pressured, extremely unprotected, overpowered and, at times, utterly powerless. I well remember feeling something akin to paralysis. The word “no” was not even in my vocabulary. The boundaries around my life were bulldozed early and by a bully, I might add, because, while not all bullies are sexual predators, all sexual predators are, in one way or another, bullies. There was no manual within my reach about how to rebuild those crumbled boundaries.

After that I never wanted to return to church. I had broken the worst rule you could break – sexual purity. Our purity culture is from the devil! I could not sign any purity contracts. “I Kissed Dating Good-Bye” was not a book I could live by. The weird thing is though, I did trust God’s forgiveness.  I did not trust my own, and I certainly did not trust this story with my fellow brothers and sisters in the church.  I was going to church hearing sermons like this – if you are having relations outside of marriage, you are cheating – even if you don’t have a partner currently.  You are cheating on your future spouse.  I am like great, so when I find someone I have to say, “Hi. I am Lindsay.  Just so you know right away, I have already cheated on you.” I could not breathe. Also, why could I not be the kid that never listened in church?!

I got to college, thankful for a new start.  I wanted to believe I could be innocent again, all was not lost.  A really great (so I thought) friendship sprouted between me and another guy.  I kind of liked him, but he wanted to stay friends.  We were really close and did almost everything together, but something happened that was absolute betrayal-not with me.  Thankfully, we were not in a relationship so I ran the Hell away.  I recognized his behavior from the guy I dated in High School.  Then he started calling me all the time.  He wants to go to church.  He started carrying my bags for me to class.  I wasn’t giving into this, but I knew I had to take him to church.  That is the Paige Patterson way–I had no idea.  Later my “friend” comes over uninvited one night and starts grabbing me.  I had to push him off of me.  It was so scary.  He did stop, but the grabbing and groping had already been done.  I felt so little, and so inhuman.

There was also another instance where one of my girlfriends set me up with another guy.  We went to the lake and had a great time.  But later I looked out the window of the car and saw them making gestures with their hands talking about my body.

When I watched Patch Adams and listened to Coryn cry about how she hated men so much, I was bawling with her.  I got it.  I wanted friends, but I felt like I kept finding friends that saw me only as an object.  It is heart breaking. I told Jake I fell for him because he was not raised in church.  He was one of the good ones.  He was good just for the sake of being good.

I do want to say when I really felt like I wasn’t going to make it, there was a minister that did help me.  The College Minister at the Church of Christ was fabulous.  There are these moments that I have experienced in church, even in the fundamentalist days, that kept me going.  He literally saved my life.

Now back to current day with the political mess, and a different sexual assault issue I am dealing with.  This time I had read enough books and listened to enough good voices that told me to go ahead and fall apart.  Glennon’s words – “Go through your pain.  Pain means you have loved.”

When I finally laid down in the green pasture, I started hearing a new story with scripture-one my heart longed to hear.  I was  finally hearing the love story.  I also noticed we weren’t getting this liberation story at church.  Nor do many churches in our area tell this story.  Jesus wasn’t so much concerned about personal sins as he was the systemic sin.  One we are all participating in.  I was still falling apart, but something new was happening in me too.  Every minister I ever had showed up when I posted I am not ok.  I was even breaking down crying in public.  When I started rising again, I noticed they were no longer there.  People are generally good when you are down, but don’t know what to do when you rise again and are different.  I was ready to take on these justice issues, but the church wanted a balanced conversation.  The Silence was killing me on things we should never have been silent on – The Sex Tape, blatant racism, xenophobia, money – all things the Bible is actually clear about. This is why the Bob Goff part hurt me more than anything from that article, because it is what we all so often do.  We believe the abuser.  We know them.  They are our friend.  We also try to avoid speaking.  We think our good work will cover it.  Words heal too.  I never told anyone in church my story because I did not feel it was a safe place to reveal what had happened to me.  I wasn’t wrong.

This is why my joy is so abundant finding Wilshire.  There are men here that not only validate my voice – they see me completely equal as a partner in Ministry.  They want to help me make that happen. The thing is, I did not know I wanted to be a minister by vocation – they noticed it–Four of them!  They are encouraging and preaching sermons with me in mind, or sending me their sermons.  It has healed my soul in ways I did not know still hurt so much.  I am also discovering my life story since I have joined.  I have not thought about this story in ages.  We were raised to hold it in and just move forward.  I always felt I was bothering ministers when I would email or take up any of their valuable time. So when I started emailing the staff at Wilshire, I always apologized in my opening sentence because I had it in my head I am a burden.  George asked me why do you always apologize when you send emails.  He said, “I like reading your thoughts.  You are free now”.  One of many examples I can give about the healing power of words.  Speak!  Also, go through your pain.  Your story will liberate someone else.  Beth Moore gave me words for my own abuse.

If you have been around me for even 5 minutes, you know I am crazy about Wilshire Baptist Church.  There are reasons for this, and they run deep.  Before I found Wilshire, I went through a time when thought I might have to be a Jesus-follower instead of a church member somewhere. I touch on this in “Our Journey to Wilshire” post in May. Today I’d like to share a little bit of the two year journey before finding Wilshire.

After my personal life fell apart along with the political climate at the same time, I was done.  I was completely winded, and I no longer recognized where I lived anymore.  No one was playing by the rules.  I could not decide if I felt better raising my kids in church or outside of church.  I was ready to take my chances outside of church.  I still loved my church family.  It just did not feel like home anymore.  I wanted to be with the outsiders for a while.  They comforted me.

Even though I was outside of church, I was listening to at least 1 to 2 sermons a day via podcast and reading Spiritual books like they were going out of style.  These practices, along with meditation, helped me start noticing how holy my everyday life was in seemingly ordinary ways.

A story that stands out to me the most is when I had a pest management serviceman at our house.  He really loves dogs and wanted to see my dogs, so we chatted a bit while he loved on my girls.  He was telling me how much he loves music.  He particularly loves Nine Inch Nails.  He told me Nine Inch Nails has a song called “Hurt”.  It was popular, and many bands and artists wanted permission to release their version of it too.  They turned everyone down until they got to Johnny Cash.  He was probably the 15th or 16th artist to ask permission, and they said yes to Johnny Cash.  This is where the story gets chilling in all the good ways.  Johnny Cash worked on “Hurt” while he was really sick.  He died shortly after his version of the song was released.  He changed one word in the song – only one – and it changed the meaning of the whole song. Johnny Cash changed the line “I wear this crown of ‘insert 4 letter word'” to “I wear this crown of thorns“.

My pest management friend told me that Nine Inch Nails were not believers but Johnny Cash was. I knew this about Johnny. I am a huge fan.  I did not know this story though.  He told me the light and dark need each other.  Has anyone had a conversation like this with their pest management serviceman?  I was stunned.  I felt like God had sent me an angel – a story teller.  This is a Jesus story.  Also, the same day, the guy that sprays our weeds stopped me to tell me how much he enjoys seeing the dogs in our window.  He had the biggest smile and was so kind wanting me to know he enjoys coming by.

During my break from church, my friend and I visited Jen Hatmaker’s church in Austin 2 years in a row.  The first year was to check out their church.  Their desire for justice was burning in our hearts too.  She was not there, but the people who greeted us and sat with us were her parents.  They were excited to meet us and hear what was on our hearts.  They told us about their church, and several other places to check out around Austin.  The day before we were exploring downtown Austin and it started raining.  We bought ponchos and thought we might check out this beautiful Catholic Church to wait out the rain. We walked in on a wedding about to start.  We were soaked in our ponchos and tried to hurry back outside.  But the grandmother of the groom insisted we stay and crash the party.  She wanted this story as much as we did.  It was a riot.  When we left we saw a homeless man, and we had nothing to give at that moment.  I saw his face fall.  A new Spirit came upon me that no one is going to be left out anymore.  We are all invited to this party.

The following year we returned to Jen’s church again because Jonathan Martin was speaking.  Those who know me know I am a fan of his.  He hugged me and said he felt like he knew me from Twitter.  Ha!  His sermon was about the two disciples on the Road to Emmaus (Luke 24: 13-35).  They had to leave Jerusalem, the Holy City, because they were disillusioned.  They were walking and talking about their pain, and Jesus showed up and they did not even know it.  Jesus punked them.  He asked them what they were talking about.  They were thinking, “are you the only one visiting Jerusalem who doesn’t know the things that have happened?”  Jesus said, “What things?”  I never really thought how funny Jesus might be until this story was presented this way.  I also became aware that my friend and I were on our own Road to Emmaus.  What once felt like home didn’t anymore.  We had to walk away and talk about our pain.  And it did feel like Jesus was showing up.  When the disciples glimpsed Jesus and knew it was him was when they broke bread together.  Their eyes were opened and then He was gone.  They also realized their hearts had been burning when he was walking and revealing scripture to them.  They got up and returned to Jerusalem.

Hearing this sermon was so moving for me.  I was ready to return to church, but I did not fit where I was anymore.  I wanted Jen Hatmaker’s church.  Isn’t it interesting I found Wilshire through Jen Hatmaker and Nichole Nordemon’s “Moxie Matters” Tour a few months later that Wilshire co-sponsored?  I learned my falling apart and becoming new was coinciding with the journey my new church home went through too!  Wilshire is a gift to my heart.  My people.

https://m.facebook.com/notes/wilshire-baptist-church/my-road-to-emmaus/10160613152965317/

Sharing my story via My Church’s website.

July 8, 2018, I led an adult Bible Class for the first time.  With my upbringing and self confidence issues, that was a really big deal to me.  I loved it.  I had a blast researching Jonah and learning so much more about this Wisdom story.  There are so many layers to this story.  My husband, Jake, made me focus by creating an outline for me because I was going everywhere with the story.  As I talked to him for about 20 minutes, he still hadn’t written anything down. I was livid with him about it.  Jake is a teacher by profession.  He told me he hadn’t written anything because he had no idea what my actual point was at the moment; I was still everywhere. (I do that! I admit it.)  It is really funny now, and I benefited a lot from his experience as a teacher.

Jake and I became interested in the story of Jonah in our twenties after watching Veggie Tales (without kids- don’t laugh, this where we were spiritually 🙂 ).  We were amused by Archibald Asparagus’s reenactment of Jonah.  Now we always say “Anywhere but Nineveh!” in the tone of Archibald Asparagus every time we don’t want to go somewhere.

I had our kids help me by writing two scriptures on the board (Exodus 34:6-7 and Jonah 4: 1-3).  Blake was so proud to help he signed his name so everyone would know.  I had him read both verses and tell me what stuck out to him.  He said, “Jonah is talking back to God.”  He was stunned.

I was also showing how God was presented to Moses in Exodus, but when Jonah repeats that same verse back to God, he changes it at the end.  The part about punishing the children and their children for generations to come-Jonah says he knew God would refuse to send calamity. This is why he wanted to go to Tarshish.  Jonah says verbatim what so many of the Bible stories underlying message is- a loving God who is not out to punish. He says it, and isn’t one bit happy about it. I love that Jonah was creative with scripture.  He did not believe his teachers that God would punish his children for generations to come.  That is rich! Too bad it didn’t make him happy.

Jonah challenges our dualistic thinking.  No one is acting according to the rules of traditional wisdom stories.  Why is the Israelite resistant to God?  Why are the horrible, mean, and nasty Assyrians open to God’s message? The Ninevites were so receptive, the King even orders sack cloth on the animals as well as all the people.  Animals repenting? It is a wild story.  Jonah challenges us to consider sometimes our worst enemies may be more receptive to God’s grace than we are when we don’t forgive.

Jonah had good reason not to want to go to Nineveh.  The Assyrians had conquered Israel.  Jonah probably witnessed atrocities beyond our imagination.  Or maybe we can imagine it now.  Jonah was written at a time many would say “Heck No!” on going to Nineveh.

When Jonah is thrown overboard from the boat and says his prayer, my heart feels it so deeply.  I remember my own experience of feeling thrown into the sea unwillingly.  A friend brought up that maybe the fish actually came as protection versus trying to teach a lesson–being thrown overboard certainly meant death. It was a time to be quiet and contemplate.  It is worth noting the Bible is full of fish stories.  The Ichthys, greek word for fish, is the first symbol of the Christian faith before the cross.

Even though Jonah completes his responsibility and the Ninevites repent, Jonah throws an absolute fit. We are left with him pouting with no real answers as to what happens at the end.  But one thing our class did notice, God never seemed angry with Jonah.  God continued to draw Jonah back into God’s thinking. We will spend our whole lives trying to keep in step with God’s thinking.  It will challenge us more than we will like.

The question for Jonah is the question for Israel.  The question for Israel is the question for us.  What was done for Abraham was to bless all nations.  Israel had not used their blessing to bring others into their blessing.  It also leaves us to question, can we forgive our worst enemies? Are our wounds forever?

Ironically, the next week after the lesson, the Wilshire kids were in a musical called “Oh, Jonah”. The performance was incredible. I am so incredibly grateful my kids got to experience Sarah Stafford this past year.  My own journey of being thrown out to sea lead us here (not quite Nineveh Ha!), and Sarah brought new life back to our family nurturing our children.  Our hearts are filled with gratitude.  We will remember Jonah as we work to continue a posture of gratitude and forgiveness.  But I am thankful God lets us get mad and draws near to deliver us where we need to go-even if it is Nineveh.

Jonathan Merritt has a Podcast called The Faith Angle.  This is a podcast he does with Kirsten Powers from CNN discussing the faith angle in our culture.  You can listen to Jonathan’s conversation with George Mason about it on the Good God podcast- conversations that matter addressing faith and public life.  Two of my favorite people having a conversation that will change your life.  (I want to plug the Good God Podcast too.  Every conversation is so important and necessary.  I can’t recommend it enough).  I love Jonathan is writing a book called, “Learning to Speak God from Scratch”.  It is a much needed book discussing how our language is changing and why that matters.  For instance, spiritual words are being used less often, but economic terms are up.  We even use economic terms in relationships, for instance, “Invest in relationships”.  Our language reveals what we value, and we live that narrative.

I wrote all of that to say, after I let go of everything that was leaving anyway- I started exploring my faith.  I could not understand why my friends were making decisions that I thought for sure would not happen. The cruel things that were said to us, and it was excused by our position in the club–even though we were friends. I thought there were lines.  At the same time, our political environment was absolutely cruel and playing out the same way- there were no lines.  This is important to understand, how we live our everyday life is playing out in politics.  Politics actually means our shared life together.  It is for everyone to flourish. It is not a prize to be won, and compromises will be made for the greater good.  We do not get everything we want, and praise God for that because we don’t always know what is best for us.  I am going to talk more about politics in another post.  I learned a lot about politics in my season of rest.

I have written this before, but I remember it so vividly because the feeling was so palpable- when I told Jake we have to let everyone go associated with what happened, I felt the storm stop.  I  felt I was on a boat sailing in a light rain.  It was the most comforting feeling I had felt in a long time.  I was ready to let the story take me where it needed me to go. Let me add this took meditation.  I meditated almost everyday.  The change in my state of mind was dramatic.  It calmed me down.  I had hope for humanity again.  Prayer and breathing have been scientifically proven as good for the brain.  I am living proof, and  faith and science back this up.

I withdrew from life for a bit.  Getting out took effort.  I just wanted to stay in bed and listen to Podcasts and read Spiritual books that were telling me a story I had never heard before.  I wanted to have fun in everyday life with my family and people that were still in my life again, but I was too sad at the moment.  I cried all the time.  I broke down at work.  I would be at Wal-Mart and tears would just start flowing.  I was a mess.  But what kept me afloat was relearning the story of Jesus.  I heard a different angle on faith and I was hooked.  I needed those two years of rest to listen, and I am glad I did because now I have found a joy no amount of darkness will ever take away.

I found people in the Bible who know our pain.  I was relating to all of them in a very human way.  The Bible is so subversive, and unbeknownst to many of us in America, the Bible is written by those on the bottom–the Empire wasn’t working for them.  These are  people who would be kneeling during the American anthem today, including Paul.  Jesus entire life was a counter narrative to Caesar. “Jesus is Lord” is a political statement countering “Caesar is Lord”. Caesar presented death as good news (because obviously we must get rid of the other-that doesn’t sound familiar does it?).  Jesus life was stated as “good news”.  It was a political statement countering Caesar’s version of good news.

Jesus was a threat to the empire and the religious elite, and that is why they killed him. I could not get enough learning about all of this. Rob Bell was a huge help to me relearning the Bible.  What Rob taught me to do is tell a better story.  We can rant and rave about all that is wrong, but that is just making noise.  We need to learn the story and tell that story.  People will listen to stories more than facts.  That is why Jesus spoke in parables.  Truth can be uncovered more in fiction.  I love it.

I also went to Twitter and found a lot of faith leaders who would answer my questions.  They also mourned with me and would pray for me.  One pastor I love so much is Cheryl Bridges Johns.  She was really there for me.  She even noticed when I changed–just from my Twitter posts.  She told me when she could tell I was in a better place and hopes we can meet one day.  She is rooting for me to preach too.  This is incredible.  Beth Moore adores this amazing woman as well.

I also found Anna LeBaron through Twitter.  This is a wild story, and I really only love wild stories.  I saw her name responding to Jen Hatmaker and I decided to reach out because I recognized her last name, and she wrote a book on Polygamy “The Polygamist’s Daughter”.  I had read a book 10 years ago called “His Favorite Wife: Trapped in Polygamy” by Susan Ray Schmidt. Susan is one of the author’s my book club reached out to and was able to talk to via a phone conversation about her book.  It was also my thirtieth birthday celebration. I remembered Susan had been married to a LeBaron.  I asked Anna if they were related and found out Susan is her aunt.  She said she would be happy to attend our book club to discuss her book because he lives in the area.  Anna came on my 40th birthday celebration.  How wild is that?!  Anna picked up on the depression I was in and said this, “You are becoming free.  Free people, free people.”  These are words that have changed me forever.

My next blog post will address how losing my sense of community in my own church was hard. When you love people so much, but cannot stay because the system isn’t going to change.  My joy in finding my new church home.  What it is like being faced with the task of speaking what has been revealed, knowing I am going to lose people near and dear to me.  This journey is beautiful and brutal.  The soccer world threw me into the deep, and now I can never stand in the shallow end again.