Yes, my dear friend, whatever frustrates you the most, you were probably born to change.

Carlos A. Rodriguez

Beth Moore wrote a blog post revealing her experience as a female leader in the conservative evangelical world https://blog.lproof.org/2018/05/a-letter-to-my-brothers.html This was a bold move, and one we have needed as we are seeing atrocities occurring in the name of the “gospel” to women. See this article: https://www.baptiststandard.com/opinion/voices/paige-patterson-abuse-comments-dangerous/#.WupYESh5zfc.facebook

I want to also address LBGT.  They are being abused in churches as well. If you don’t believe me, check out their homeless and suicide rate.  I shared an apology by Thabiti Anyabwile, who works for The Gospel Coalition, shortly after sharing Beth’s letter.  The apology was beautiful and well stated.  It reveals how systems guide our thinking without us being aware we are complicit in abuse.  But was the apology too soon?  We need more time to linger on Beth’s letter and reflect on the systems many of us participate in that create hierarchies.  We bury our head in the sand and are not aware the Spirit has moved on.  I also later found out Thabiti Anyabwile has made the comment same sex couples should make Christians gag.

Learning he said that devastated me last night.  He needs to apologize for that comment too.  Affirming or not affirming, a christian should not speak like that of fellow humans created in the image of God.  News Flash: All of us are created in the image of God.  I thought about deleting that post on my FaceBook page, and I will if any of my LGBT friends want me to after reading why I have not at this point.  The main reason is because that apology addressed our ignorance to systems (power and principality) that guide us versus the Spirit.  He may be embarrassed he said it.  I hope so.  But reality is many of us have said things in our past we would not say today.  Asking for forgiveness allows us to celebrate our growth as humans.

I love writing.  I also love looking back at my posts on “On This Day” on FaceBook.  There is a lot that I am like – “Wow! I would not say that now.” “Or wasn’t I cute”.  I have found writing to be so important for my growth. I have noticed each year my Martin Luther King posts get a little more serious.  Last year it sent me to an actual King Sit In.  That is a post that is coming up too.

Now I want to address my own experience in the conservative religious world. The SBC (Southern Baptist Convention) TGC (The Gospel Coalition) and other conservative Religious Organizations are facing fire for blatant racism, misogyny, homophobia, etc. I did not grow up evangelical, but I did grow up conservative.  My first encounter with how the church treats women was when I went on a mission trip with the youth group.  I was on fire after that trip.  I was so excited we were going to get to talk to the church about our experience.  I went forward with the group ready to speak, but they only allowed the boys to speak. I felt so powerless and worthless at that moment.  Why did only the boys experience matter?  I was so angry.  I went home and told my parents I will never be Church of Christ when I leave home.  That did not hold true, but I did find ones that let us speak.  Seriously – what we settle for!  I even heard the other Church of Christ in town, who had the OU Women’s basketball coach as part of their church, would say service is over just so she could stand up and speak.  Ludicrous!

I could never imagine ministry.  I am glad Beth addressed that in her post because it is so true.  I could have gone to seminary, but for what?!  What would I do with it?  No one would hire a woman unless it was working with children.  That is an honorable job and I love the women who work with children, and I love the male we had a couple of years ago in our previous church who worked with children.  I just don’t feel called to work with children as a profession.  And wouldn’t it be nice if we could actually choose our path?  I find it interesting working with children is imagined as feminine – look at our elementary schools, it is almost all women.  Blake wonders where are the men.  I wish it was a mix.  What we are doing in our churches plays out in life. I also had a friend who recently was passed over for a minister position in the church because she was female. They didn’t want her working that closely with a male pastor. This is the damage from the “Billy Graham, Mike Pence” rule. Nothing God ordained about that decision.

What has frustrated me through all of this is our lack of connecting the dots.  Gender inequality, Racism, homophobia, xenophobia, etc, we are not connecting our lack of addressing these serious issues as hurting the witness of the church. We also are not connecting these issues are arising because they are embedded in the system.  The Spirit is not having it anymore.  The Table is open to all who hunger and thirst.  Now that I go to a church that is “open to all and closed to none” I am experiencing a whole new story.  This is a story I can tell.  Women are free to be whatever they want to be.  LBGT is welcome and can serve in any capacity.  And the fruit of all of this has been good.  The Spirit is in this movement.

Perfect love casts out fear.  1 John 4:18 I am hearing of churches that are still using fear as a tactic.  Conferences telling people families are dying, fertilities rates are down.  When I was in college, I went to a Christian church that put on a video to have us listen to a baby’s heartbeat.  Here is the thing, I am prolife, but that was straight up propaganda.  I agree we need to address abortion, and we do so with comprehensive sex education including access to contraceptions, good healthcare for women, livable wages, policy that supports women’s rights, equality of education for all regardless of neighborhood, etc.  But those who are solely concerned about abortion don’t seem to want any of these things.  That is interesting.  So abortion and LBGT being the 2 major focuses of the religious right tells me they are saying women and LGBT are the problem, men have nothing to work on.  Jerry Falwell Sr. said 9/11 happened because of abortions.  How insane do you have to be to get to that conclusion?  You have to be tied up in power to do that–that is how.  Our white evangelical church is tied up in political power and it is abusing people.  The Kingdom of God is not going to be brought in through our government.  But we speak prophetic truth to power!  If your church is advocating fear and inequality of christians #emptythepews.  (Also if guns and our flag seem more important than human lives- NRA convention in Dallas today). The Spirit isn’t there.

I am no longer going to be silent.  People can try to bury their head in the sand, but we are organizing.  Reverend Barber discovered help isn’t going to come from Christians alone.  Many of them have politicians to thank for their new parking lot.  Meeting people of other faiths, other sexualities, etc has been the greatest gift 2017 and 2108 has given me.  I love how the Spirit is moving to inclusion for all.  The Kingdom of God is diverse. We can spread our arms out wide and love like we have never loved before.  Loving everyone has made my life the most amazing life I have ever lived.  I am going to end with some Nichole Nordemon lyrics from “No Longer” on her album Every Mile Mattered

I want to my feel my heart on fire now
And let the safety net burn down
Throw my arms out wide
Let your love collide in me
I want to run with my heart on my shirt
Straight into the wind, maybe get hurt
I thought living safe meant living stronger
No longer

Last week I posted on gender roles.  I was really scared to write about this subject because I have immersed myself in this for 3 years, and I was trying to write so much in one blog post.  It was a stretch talking about the picture of the NFL player with his gun and daughter with her prom date to Mary Magdalene.  Even though I still whole heartedly believe it is all related, I took on a monster of a subject in one blog post.  I appreciate the criticism that came as well as my writer friends who liked it and could not think of any other way to organize their thoughts about it either.  So I want to go back to my story for a bit.  I think I have skipped over too much with that post.  I am also thankful to Claire Bracken who keeps pushing me to write even with last weeks post.  🙂  The picture above was on my “On This Day” on FaceBook from 2 years ago.  This is the type of church I was dreaming of and I believe is happening now.

Let me start off by saying, I am uncomfortable writing-but I want to do it.  Something has happened to me and my understanding of life and the Bible that I want to share.  I have found it to be such good news, better than what we have been sharing. But last week I was almost scared off and not because of criticism.  I started struggling with self doubt.  I knew I made a hard post too simple.  It made me all of the sudden feel worthless and asking “Who am I”.  But let me tell you what happened next, I went to SAMs.  If anyone has read my FaceBook posts about SAMs, you know this place has been very spiritual for me.  It really is out of this world.  I will include my FaceBook posts at the end of this post if anyone is interested in reading about it.  As I was checking out, full of negative energy, my Guardian Angel (this is explained in a FB post I will include) left his post and came over to hug me and asked me how the kids were doing.  This never happens and he has never met my kids, so I know 100% he is an Angel.  Then my Muslim Sister, Hala, told me my shirt with the pink flowers on it matched my heart.  I almost cried, but I looked up and saw she had on pink with flowers too.  I told her she was just looking in the mirror to her own heart.  We embraced one another.

I also want to talk about my friend Stephanie who has journeyed this crazy life with me.  When she read my post last week she said that I wrote good things, but maybe you should slow down a bit so people can join you on the journey.  I really appreciate that advice from one who loves me and has been through Hell herself.  Years ago when Stephanie Carroll and I worked at the same church, we would have “Life Giving Talks”.  I put that in quotes because Jeff Hubbard, the Youth Minister at the time, named it for us.  We had read so much about Jesus through various authors and were desiring a better story told in churches.  One that represents Jesus – not our rules because our rules are stuffy and a hindrance to the Spirit.  Jesus was always breaking rules and sending us in a new way.  The White American Church was getting mundane and CONTROLLING – making the rules so people are not creative because we are too scared to get it wrong (Don’t get me started on Partisan Politics.  Nothing wrong with being political, everything wrong with Partisan Politics). Side note: I have to say white church because Black church is not boring – the prophetic witness is strong there.  Maybe not all of them, but many of them are full of Spirit and make you want to “Hallelujah Anyway!”.  They know how to suffer. Jesus is anything but mundane.  I cannot tell you how many people who walk away from church find they cannot let go of Jesus.  I was one of them, and so were the Disciples on the Road to Emmaus. Stephanie and I did not know what to do to fix the system.  Then we suffered and we found pain to be life’s great teacher. (That sentence sounds so simplistic – it is anything but simple).  Also, isn’t it sad we have to say White and Black church?!  Our churches are too segregated.  That is a problem, but one that is hard to overcome when our neighborhoods are segregated.  More on that later though.

I became a mystical christian.  I think I have always been one because I was positive (and still am) the shoe shine guy at CITGO Petroleum was my Guardian Angel also (His name was Frederick).  I just know these things.  So it is no surprise that ministers from the Pentecostal movement on Twitter captured my attention: Jonathan Martin, Brian Zahnd, Cheryl Bridges Johns, Reverend Barber, etc (I can’t wait to write about seeing Reverend Barber in person). Plus the mystical Franciscan Catholic Richard Rohr turned my world upside down.  The Jesus story is a moving story and the Spirit is here.  I would not have found the Spirit without the storm.  Jonathan Martin says the truth is usually stumbled into.  We rarely go through change willingly because no one likes to change- it is uncomfortable, so a painful event is usually what it takes to get us there.  Many other ministers and philosophers say this too.  The Divine happens to us.  I can testify to this.

When my life fell apart at Mutiny and Donald Trump was elected, I knew something was off with humanity –and I was over it. I thought life was safer than this and it is not.  Before this sounds like me blaming others- I am not.  I found my own darkness in this mess too.  I had to find silence and meditation to get there though.  I went from hating everyone and everything to “I love everyone and everything”. Silence and meditation takes are mindset from scarcity to abundance. I decided to reorient myself in this mess and tell a new story.

My life crumbled over multiple years. The first year I thought I had regrouped and moved on, but more was coming and it was awful. That is when it felt like everyone was coming after us. I also could not protect the kids from the pain of what was happening either. Richard Rohr had a book called “Breathing Under Water” that helped me.  He knew everything I was going through.  He said you may feel like you have hit rock bottom, but more will come- you are not there yet.  Jonathan Martin seemed to have a tweet each day that spoke to exactly where I was.  I kept asking him how he knew what was going on. I found out so many were falling apart too.  Jonathan said -Don’t be surprised if the world is falling apart and your life is too.  I am thankful for how accessible Jonathan was via Twitter.  He walked me through this time, along with Nichole Nordemon. Ironically, they were dating and I did not know that at first.  Her music soothed my soul.  But they could not have done that if their life hadn’t fallen apart.  Jonathan wrote a book called, “How to Survive a Shipwreck”.  It is so good!  If you have met me more than a day, you will know about this book.  Nichole wrote a song for the book too called “Hush Hush” and it slays me.  Read this section of the song (actually go listen to it now!):

One cup of water at a time                                                                                                                   ‘Til you remember you are mine                                                                                                       I am the calm, I am the sea                                                                                                                     Your rescue and recovery                                                                                                                  And I am the storm that swallowed you                                                                                           I let you bleed, I thought you knew                                                                                                      And I am the bottom and I am the floor                                                                                           I am the deep you never knew before                                                                                               I let you sink and I let you go                                                                                                                  But I caught you in the undertow                                                                                                       And I am the shore                                                                                                                                    And I am the flame                                                                                                                                           And mercy is my name!

I found love at the bottom, not despair.  When I recovered, I could not return to the world I had been living.  I kept trying to fit back in, but I did not fit there anymore.  I had found a world more open, loving and free than I ever knew before.  No one is excluded.  This line from “Come Alive” from the Greatest Showman “And you know you can’t go back again To the world that you were living in ‘Cause you’re dreaming with your eyes wide open”.  Now the journey to find a new place I could tell this new story in full.

When I finally found Wilshire Baptist Church through the Moxie Matters Tour, it revived my soul.  The very first week I met Pastor Tiffany Wright (A woman Pastor!) and we talked about everything that was weighing on me.  They address it here.  The next week I meet Pastor George Mason and Pastor Heather Mustain and we read all of the same authors.  Heather told me Reverend Barber was going to be at an event over MLK weekend that we were hosting as an InterFaith event.  I could not believe God had delivered me here.  This changed me and busted me wide open. I told George, our very first meeting!, about Jonathan Martin and “How to Survive a Shipwreck”.  He went and read it!!! I could not believe what I said had value with the head male pastor.  This tells me when we think women not getting full inclusion at the Table doesn’t matter or is not noticed is false.  I found freedom like I have never known before and I want everyone to feel this too.  Plus I just ran into this church, not knowing a soul and as a completely different person, and found love and acceptance like I have never known before.  Isn’t it funny when I was falling apart, Wilshire was also going through a painful transition too?!  I am telling you the Spirit is real, here and at work right now!  I can only find hope and joy experiencing the Spirit.

If interested, here is one of the Facebook posts about my experience with SAMs Club:

1/19/2018

How many roads must a man walk down before you call him a man?

Bob Dylan – Blowin’ in the Wind

Yesterday I posted a picture on FaceBook of an ex NFL player, Jay Feely, holding a gun standing between his daughter and her date going to Prom.  I was upset by this picture for several reasons, as were many others, because this picture said so much about what is wrong in society.  I knew the picture was a joke, but this joke was so inappropriate in light of gun violence.  It is also inappropriate because it shows how we as a society are treating our boys and girls.  Living in Texas it is so hard to see the harm because it is the air we breathe here.  We have a traditional view on masculinity that is harming all of us.  I am going to recommend some books at the end of this post to help those who want to know more regarding this subject.  I talked to my husband and he said even he would have missed the underlying problems with the picture had he not already been on heightened awareness of gun violence.  My husband is a High School teacher.  He is very aware of children who are dying in schools because of guns and are now robbed of the chance to go to Prom.

There is a lot to discuss so I am going to have to make this a 4 part series: 1) Gender Roles 2) Purity Culture – Church’s unhealthy posture towards sex and sexuality 3) Guns 4) White Supremacy.  The church’s role encompasses all of these.  I may think of more tomorrow to add, but this is what I have outlined tonight.

My first thought as a mother when I saw the picture was – if  that father had done that to my son he would have Hell to pay. This momma doesn’t laugh at threatening jokes- truth is always carried in a joke. He would be thankful I subscribe to a theology of nonviolence.  Here is what I wrote on FaceBook:

As a mother of a girl – I do worry about her safety with men. The #MeToo#ChurchToo gives me hope a better day is coming for her. Not to send us back to the Billy Graham rule though! – but to a place that men and women can truly function as partners, using wisdom how they meet and talk.  It can be done—I know for a fact because it is already happening.

But this bothers me as a mother of a boy! I don’t care if this is a joke. I hate these jokes. You don’t have a right to threaten my son with a gun even as a joke. He will be raised to treat everyone with respect.

All knowledge of God is experiential.  What you don’t know experientially, you simply don’t know.  Related to this: STOP TALKING ABOUT THINGS YOU DON’T KNOW EXPERIENTIALLY

Jonathan Martin

I swear I knew nothing about humanity until I got involved with Mutiny FC.  I feel this is a timely post as we are about to have our final Banquet as Mutiny FC next week.  I am bit weepy about this, but I know it is the right decision. Mutiny FC is a significant part of our life. In job interviews or talking about my faith story – it centers around my time with Mutiny FC. Here is our story.

Jake and I (funny I say “I” like I was paid staff, but I had a role that made a difference and I say that humbly) got started at Mutiny because we needed extra money and were released from having to coach American football, FINALLY (those hours are awful and someone should protest, I cannot take on all battles. Ha!). Jake also loves soccer!  This was a dream for him to do since we got to Texas, but American football did not allow for it.  It is funny because Jake was hired and then told to create his teams.  We were like – “Ok, I think we can do that”.  We were not handed anything.  At the time I was frustrated by that, but now I am forever grateful we had to build it.  I say “we” because Jake will tell you he needed my help, and I am trying to tell my story not his.  It is impossible not to mention him some because he is intertwined with my story. 🙂 Side note: We could have taken on Kimberlyn’s team as the coach abruptly left, but -as I mentioned in the previous post-the culture did not feel right for him to take that on at that point.  I am glad we did not.

We had made a few connections through Kimberlyn’s team to get started, and they had friends that were waiting for the age group to become available.  Several had siblings in the age group as well and were thrilled to get started with us.  I do want to say we received 2 miracles (so maybe we were handed something) with Jennifer Wynn and Amber Slaughter.  We knew nothing about club soccer in Texas.  Jake’s only experience was in Oklahoma, so we had no idea what we needed to do to register and get started.  These 2 amazing women came to us and said they would be the manager for the 2 teams we were starting.  Without them, there would be no Mutiny FC story for us.

The journey began really rough because we did not know what level to start with.  Jake put the older boys in the Silver bracket and they were not ready for that.  As time went on he figured it out.  Our managers were solid so we could survive the comings and goings of players as Jake was trying to meet expectations he did not know how to meet yet.  Mutiny allowed Jake to get a higher rated (not sure how you say that)  coaching license and he also got licensed to coach youth specifically.  The training says all of the right things, but we in Texas are not carrying out the youth training that is being taught because of our “winning” syndrome.

We eventually got some pretty amazing teams started.  I am going to continue to say we because Jake wants me to.  I was developing relationships so we could have a good story to tell versus just any old soccer team you could get anywhere.  Eventually our 2 teams turned into 4 teams and Jake had to give up 2 of the teams.  That was really hard to do for several reasons: 1) The teams were family 2) A lot of hard work and time was put into creating these teams 3) Having to hand them over to someone we hope would do them justice and continue the story (Boy,  did this blow up) 4) Financially it was a hit, but Jake was moved to a Director role so that helped some.  But giving up the teams was the right decision, because coaching 4 teams is not good on a family nor can any one team get the attention they need with a coach spread so thin. Jake coached his whole weekend away. You will see this a lot in big clubs and that is why I am here to say Mutiny is a better deal than big club most of the time, but I will be honest Mutiny was not perfect and we had some moments that felt no different than big club.  And in some ways I think that is unavoidable.

The teams Jake gave up were eventually lead away from Mutiny by the coaches for various reasons I won’t go into.  While we don’t claim any ownership and had to really work on our ego about this, it was still a knife in the heart because that was a story we helped start— plus being in leadership – I think saying that is enough.  I also know everyone will tell this story differently based on their perspective.  This hurt and we are not going to lie about the pain.  We see so many coaches get teams handed to them, and we were building and giving them away.  It is hard work, and it taught me a lot about humanity.  I faced my own darkness and ego through this.

What I learned at Mutiny was I can tell a story.  I don’t mean lies – I mean I can tell the story of what we are doing.  When we briefly landed at a big club I saw massive injustice.  I knew I could tell a better story because we had a better story.  I know all sports have injustice involved and I think we all should take a hard look at it, because it is also telling the story of what is happening in our world.  We are all shrugging our shoulders saying “That is how it is” “Nothing we can do about it”.  These are clarifying days (as my ministers says) and it is time to reveal this injustice. Here are some things I witnessed:

Some players don’t pay out of their own pocket, but payment still gets made through those on bottom.  They are charged more to cover the free players.  Big clubs may offer scholarships to work against little clubs who can’t and WON’T offer the same benefit with lower ranked players making up the cost difference.  It really is a crime.  Let us also talk about guest players.  I have no problem with guest players occasionally, but they should be needed and not taking up a paying players time.  There was one player who played on 5 different teams  (for free) and we could not get time on our 1 team we paid for.  Criminal!  Guest players don’t practice with the team they are playing with either.  Sometimes they come in really interested in the team and do join, which is fine if they are needed in the game, but this is rarely the case. This happens all the time in big club.  It literally is hard to develop players in a system like this.  It is time to end it.

What I did not know was happening is this was revealing to me the world we actually live in.  Small businesses can’t make it with corporations getting all the tax benefits.  Some people cannot get through the system because those who shine get all of the resources (and they get called lazy!).  It is all related –sports to real life.  Our theology of life matters because it plays out in the world.  Faith and politics cannot separate, so this took me back to church with a new resolve.  Politics means “Our shared life together”.  With that definition it reframes the term and how we approach it.

Kimberlyn’s team is one I think about often.  There is quite a story to tell that could be a blog post of it’s own (but I won’t).  I will briefly tell what happened. They were a Cinderella story that lost the plot once success happened. Big club and big promises factor in as well, but we had to lose the plot to let them in. When they made classic league and winning was a must and our expectations soared beyond where we were, it was over.  I kept telling Jake “I miss the struggle”.  I don’t like this anymore.  I hate the pressure to win because it sucked the joy right out of it. Those on bottom got left out, and that is how it always plays out.  I am not blaming the team for losing the plot.  It is the air we breathe.  The system plays this game and it is hard not to play right along with it.  It is so easy to all of the sudden become the system and not even know it.  I faced this in myself. It takes disruption to see it.

At this point, I no longer had a story to tell.  Two painful events for both of the kids and I could no longer go back.  I tried to regroup and try again, but I did not fit in this story anymore.  This is why, even though I cry sometimes, I know the merger is the right decision.  Jake is still happily involved because this is a world he has fought through his whole life.  He is using his life as a different way of being in the soccer world.  If he can’t change it, he will be different in the system that tells you it can’t be done.  It can.  That is what faith does.  

This story took me back to church as a different person. I had to find a church that fit my new story because I just wasn’t fitting where I was anymore either.  I tried really hard.  I still deeply love my previous church. I had to face the dark night of the soul before I could return to church at all.  Now I am on the other side of pain and I feel my story is leading me on a new journey.  Church has been my saving grace since November 2017.  I absolutely love my new journey.  I am even considering seminary at some point.  I did not even know I could dream that until 2 pastors (male pastors too) told me I would be a good pastor.  Say what?!  I feel too old to make this change, but apparently this is common –and honestly I had nothing to say until now.  God truly has to be experienced. I don’t think we see injustice until it disrupts us experientially also.

My pastor, Pastor George Mason- my spiritual hero, hugged me and told me he was proud of me and sensed the joy in me.  I am not lying when I tell you what those words did to me.  I literally felt these internal wounds heal.  I started breathing differently and my eyes could see more clearly.  He also told me “You keep saying “used to hearing”.  That is over now.  You are free.” This make me wonder “Is this how Jesus healed people?”

More on this later.

I just found this quote by Amena Brown

It is failure that teaches us the dangers of pride and the grace of surrender.

We certainly experienced this statement with our experience at Mutiny.

Sometimes winning looks like losing

Youth Sports is a very complicated place.  I have pondered writing this post for years  even though I never had a blog.  I knew I had to write about what I am seeing.  Youth sports is not healthy – especially in Texas!  I say this loving youth sports.  I think the only people who can write critically are the ones who truly love what they are writing critically about.  (That is why I write critically about the American church too).

I am writing this post judging no one!  This is my own blood revealing what I learned getting blinded by the lights and the deceitful phrase “what is best for my kid”.  I cannot think of a more loaded phrase than “What is best for my kid.”  Let me tell you if we dug deep on that statement, we would make a decision that would seem the opposite of making our kids successful.  I am saying we are overdoing it, and it will be to our kid’s detriment – even if they love it.  This world blew up in our face and I am glad it did.  I have to tell what I learned because it is important.  Sharing soccer articles cannot tell this story.

Why am I writing this?  I have a dual perspective as a parent and as the wife of a coach who engages in this world.  I am going to give both perspectives.

Let me start by writing as a parent.  I think many parents are dying to hear they can slow down.  Your kid can succeed in life even if they are not the champion of their sport.  I realize kids show great promise at a very early age and it triggers us as parents. (Spoiler: Very few make the national team!).  I was a gymnast.  I was pushed so hard and I hated it.  I always asked my parents – why can’t this just be fun! Why do we have to be champions?  I quit because it was not fun, even though I had everything a coach could want to succeed. I know many say their kids love playing soccer all the time, but I promise you they need to enjoy so much more than just one thing. Being able to play without structure is critical to their development. Kids have the best imaginations and we are not letting them use it because we are tied up with fear that something can happen to them.  This translates to youth sports too.  In soccer, kids under 11 should be playing without a score–not because we are snowflakes who can’t handle losing, but because they need to learn to be creative without pressure: to love the game, to learn their teammates, and to just play for the love of the game. When Blake was in Academy at 4 (we did not even do multiple academies) he was unhappy.  When we took him to Atlanta (on a mission trip) and he played freestyle soccer with the kids in the neighborhood -he told me that was the best kind of soccer.  Out of the mouth of Babes!  Blake is right!

Why would I write this when my husband is an Academy Coach?  We still believe Academy has its place.  There are kids wanting to play at a higher level than recreation at a younger age, and that is ok.  Honestly, Jake and I tried to avoid Academy until we realized we could not move Kimberlyn forward staying with Rec.  We could not keep the same team to move forward.  We were constantly starting over and we saw Kimbo regressing, so I say this realizing skill level matters even at a young age.  But let me tell you what happens when you enter Academy at a young age – now the pressure is on to win it all!

Kimberlyn started Academy at 7.  That sounds young, but many start at 4 (we did this with Blake, but his experience was way more positive –until he was 7 ironically).  When we came, despite Kimbo’s great foot skills, she was way behind.  The atmosphere felt tense when she played because this team is used to winning. I judge no one for this because I realize I was this same person a year later.  I soon learned many played for more than one team, and the other team many played for had parents that had been harmful to our current team and were asked to leave.  I am going to be honest about this because winning makes us overlook a lot and we say “What is best for my kid.”  That is a loaded statement.

When Kimberlyn’s team fell apart when she joined (at 7 years old!) because people were playing for other teams, we felt we had to do the same thing, even though we still had enough players to play as a team. The only thing that kept us from leaving completely, that ended up being our saving grace, is Jake worked for our current club.  I loved our club, but felt Kimberlyn was getting the shaft—and she was, but I did not want to be rash because as a coach’s wife I know how it feels, so we did 2 clubs.  Oh how I hated it.  It was constant soccer.  I had no time to invest in Blake, and Jake couldn’t either because he was busy coaching his own 4 teams! I was messing up at work because I wasn’t sleeping with this horrid schedule, but I was so flattered by this other coach about my child, I was sure she was going to be a champion.  (Side note: I was warned plenty of times about this coach and his lies).  I am thankful it only took 6 months for me to wake up.  I also realized I had a different problem than most.  Most people get used for their kids and their talent, I was being used for my husband and his soccer knowledge and Kimberlyn was the collateral.  I am talking straight up because this is reality.  Many coaches in America are a 3 on the Enneagram, and I wish I understood this earlier.  They find value in their results.  Being a 3 is the hardest number to be healthy in America because of our love of winning.

Thankfully we had our current club to fall back on because we never left.  We got a new coach for Kimberlyn’s team.  I hated what big clubs were doing to kids and families and I knew we could do it differently.  I am going to tell a different story- I know I am saying “I” a lot because I really thought I could do this.  This new story worked for awhile.  We picked up those who had been rejected and built a team for Kimbo.  We were defeated over and over for years, but we were growing despite defeat, and we had a committed coach.  Something new was happening.  Our church opened their doors for us to practice when the Spring was unusually rainy (a miracle – the only season the church was this available) and this was essential because this was when I was calling people constantly and getting them to either come back and try again or leave the place that was rejecting them.  I was relentless to make this work because no one should be treated like we were just treated, our kid was 8 – it was beyond stupid and mean.

I poured myself into all of Jake’s teams, even teams that weren’t ours.  Community was our story and I was posting constantly telling what we were doing (and others).  I really felt the passion and rejuvenation because I knew we had a better story, but I was also exhausted.  I really wasn’t made for what I was doing.  I worked so hard for no pay and little recognition – which I did not need necessarily, but I realized we were not appreciated fully either and I had given everything that was within me.  I was ok with people leaving, but I also realized people wanted everything from us, and we did not have that to give. We lost in big ways.  In shocking ways.  But many did stay because of our heart too, so it wasn’t all lost.  There are some people who had to leave because their team actually did fall apart and they were contacting me lamenting it had to happen.  (I am not an employee of this organization, but I laid myself out there.  People knew me and knew I cared and knew I would be sad to see them go.  It was an honor to hear their heart and cry because they had to go.)

Our club is proof systems can prevent you from being successful (let this translate to human live too!).  Mutiny is the most successful small club I have ever seen.  The caliber of leadership and coaches are amazing.  You won’t find this in a big club – not like this. I say this honestly because I am not here for bullshit.  This is why we were highly sought after when we knew we had to merge.  Mutiny produces talent.  We do.  Kimberly’s 2005 team is proof development works!  We never stole players.  We flat out produced who came and took rejects from other teams.  We got our tails kicked for years, but miraculously made classic league when the time came.  By the way the soccer world works that should not have happened.  Her team almost made it to where they did not have to try out again the next year, but 6th place is where we landed and that is fuel for big clubs.  Now were are on the radar and big clubs are contacting our players with “better” offers.  Playing above classic league is now a thing.  Scholarships are offered.  It is an absolute mess that makes it impossible to survive as as small club.  Not to mention leagues are making it impossible to join unless you have so many playing at a certain level.  Youth Sports is operating at a bullshit level.  People are losing their minds thinking they have to play at the highest level possible at such a young age —and now I am going to tell you why this is Hell as a coach.  (And please realize this is a metaphor for human lives that cannot flourish because of systems too!)

Youth Sports is hell for a coach.  This is why you will see so many jerks.  The pressure is high..  The expectations are unrealistic.  Coaching is not a full time job – this is in conjunction with another full time job.  So we coach 2-3 practices a week with games on the weekends.  Parents are wanting scrimmages when no games are scheduled.  More than one league because we need to be playing multiple formations.  It is insane!  And the money isn’t great.  Even if it was, the time we lose with family is a travesty.  And even if your coach is highly qualified and with a positive atmosphere, that still isn’t enough. I hope this blows up because it is sad.  So many relationships are blown and we say “What is best for my kid”.  I know we don’t own anyone and people can leave as they choose and we are happy for all opportunities for our kids, but no one says “Thank you for developing my kid”.  We develop and often times people think big clubs are better and leave without realizing we put in the hard work someone else did not want to do.  It is possible to develop from scratch, but we operate from a mindset of scarcity vs abundance.  I don’t think you can operate from abundance until you slow down and step out of production.

Why do I write this when we still believe in youth sports?  Because I am asking parents for help in telling a better story.  Jake and I won’t compromise anymore.  We realize asking parents to cut back might mean we are not the chosen club.  We are ok with that because the kids are more important.  Jake and I are not in a financial secure place to lose funds, but we won’t profit off of something we don’t believe in.   Both of our kids teams fell apart in the worst possible way.  I cried for 2 years straight because it happened back to back years.  But what happened when we fell apart, we found abundance.  Blake found something else he likes better.  Kimberlyn found a team with more realistic expectations on time and they are still progressing!  They are all making their school teams and growing.  Kimberlyn has joined Tae Kwon Do which has improved her as a soccer player.

What is best for you kid?  What is best is they are loved.  They have friends lifting them up.  When something isn’t right, you as the parent make the decision to do what is right – even if that means you take them away from success.  I know that is countercultural and hard, but that is the way of Jesus.  Stressing yourself or your kid out for success is no way to live. Making them a champion is not your job – making sure they know they are worthy of love and known by you is your job.  We will lose when we do the right thing initially, but not in the long run.  Jake and I know our philosophy won’t take with many high achievers, but the reality is our philosophy wins in the long run.  Love Wins.

http://badgirlsbc.blogspot.com/

You can’t get a cup of tea big enough or a book long enough to suit me.

C.S. Lewis

This may be the hardest blog post to write!  These are my girls! There is so much life and history here.  We’ve been to Hell and back and found the deepest joy and love for God and one another through it. We have been together since 2005!  I was pregnant with Kimberlyn when the group formed. Jake and I were contemplating moving back to Oklahoma when I was asked to be the final member of the group. (Jake really wanted to move back to Jenks at this point. He was offered a teaching position along with an offer to be the Head Coach of Soccer (he was so homesick), but it is Oklahoma and you know the pay was awful- in the word of John Crist -“For SURE No! – If we were there right now we would be marching with kids out of school due to a LONG OVERDUE Teacher Strike – Go Oklahoma Teachers!!!  But this is not what the post is about, I digress)  We have only made 1 change to our Book Club, in 2012 we gained Christina!  Amberly has left us several times living overseas and is about to again temporarily.  So Sad!  But we are so happy for her and look forward to her stories from China!  Her previous assignments were in the Philippines.

We started the group initially meeting every other month, but quickly changed to every month because we got attached to our Book Club night.  I remember the early days as being the best break from life with littles…. to realizing we are having a whole different kind of conversation, one we could not have anywhere else.  No subject was off limits and no opinion was mocked or scorned. The books we read started chipping away at everything I was once so certain about.  I will list a few books that disrupted us, but will also include the link to all of the books we have read, our summary and rating: “Irresistible Revolution” Shane Claiborne, “Traveling Mercies” Anne Lamott, “Torn” Justin Lee, “Evolving in Monkey Town” (this book is now titled Faith Unraveled) Rachel Held Evans, “Carry On Warrior” Glennon Doyle, “Seven” Jen Hatmaker, “Pastrix: The Cranky, Beautiful Faith of a Sinner and Saint” Nadia Bolz-Weber (I longed for this kind of church), “The Sin of Certainty” Peter Enns – plus reading novels that were not necessarily true, but gave us a story that tore down walls too- reading creates EMPATHY.

We started reading some of our author’s blogs too. We read about their heart and work for justice that seemed more in line with the love of Christ than the cultural christian message we were hearing all around us.  They were opening our eyes to all kinds of questions we were afraid to ask, and revealed so much injustice we were unaware of because we were not paying attention.   Not to be too hard on ourselves – many don’t see injustice until you see, feel or touch it. They busted our hearts open to everyone, not just the insiders that we were comfortable with.  I remember thinking – “Goodness I wish the rest of the world would get this message.  What a loss for those who don’t know how good it really is.”  I had no idea these authors/pastors were (and still are ) all prophets  preparing us for what was about to meet us in America right now.

Here is a journey reading has lead us on:

Early on (2007, I believe) Amberly had a blog mentioning 2 books she was interested in.  She ended up picking “Left to Tell” by Imaculee Ilibagiza about the Rwandan Genocide. “Ordinary Man” was her back up choice, also about the genocide.  Well, one of the authors of “Ordinary Man”, Tom Zoellner, saw her blog post and commented that he was disappointed his book was not picked, but if we would like to read it at a later date he would chat with us about the book!  So the following month we read his book and talked with the author.  It was fascinating reading the books back to back also.  The difference in faith between the two was eye opening for me.  The lived through such horrible and tragic violence.  And the UN left them alone—Unconscionable.   I want to add Nelson Mandela promoted peace and forgiveness when this finally ended.  Enemies came together and many had to forgive the ones who murdered their family.  That should be a witness to us in America.  Forgiveness is the only way anything can heal and move forward.  But we have to sit with those we hurt and listen—Humble ourselves and lament. Repentance means rethink.

After this happened, we started reaching out to every author we could get a hold of – we got to speak with Lisa See “Snow Flower and the Secret Fan”, Susan Ray Schmidt “His Favorite Wife: Trapped in Polygamy” (Ironically this was my 30th celebration, 10 years later (on my 40th celebration) we had her niece Anna LeBaron at our Book Club discussing “The Polygamist’s Daughter), and we almost did a video conference with Kevin Roose who wrote the “Unlikely Disciple” – He was from Brown University and he applied to Liberty University undercover to write about his time there (he is not a believer and Falwell was known for crazy antics claiming christianity).  He ended up making friends and revealed some remorse in the book when the friends felt betrayed by him because he went there to write a book.   We read this book in 2010 and had no idea this would be useful information in light of Liberty being a source of contention now with Falwell Jr.!!!! We were supposed to talk with him, but when we asked him had he gone to a “normal” Christian college did he think he would get this same message—We never got a reply after that.  Not sure if that is why, but that is where the discussion ended.  Just sayin.  🙂  If he sees this post and wants to reach out again,  we are still happy to talk. Ha! We also skyped with Shane Claiborne in April 2017 to discuss “Executing Grace” (a book about the Death Penalty)- we even brought one of our husband’s to the meeting who wanted to ask further questions on this subject.   Jason Reddick who was with the Texas Coaltion to Abolish the Death Penalty was there as well.

Here are some pics of meeting Shane via Skype —look closely Rachel and Christina are on the phone Amberly is holding —and Anna LeBaron at our Book Club  meeting on my Birthday – 40th to be exact.  Ironically, talking to Shane was on Jake’s 40th birthday (my husband).   What a cool 40th birthday we have in common -talking to authors personally.  😉  Anna also looked at me and could tell I had been through something and was coming out of it.  She told me “Free people. Free people”  I felt like she was telling me I have  story to tell.  (And this says a lot because she lived through Hell and is one of the most joyful people I have ever met.  I am thankful to call her friend too!).

Reading has taken us on quite the journey.  When the election of 2016  occurred –it felt a million years long—our group text kept us afloat.  Plus eating dinner with one of our Muslim friends to apologize for the rhetoric of Trump and that christians were supporting his awful tone.  We were sure he would not be elected.  So naive! She also told me a lot more about the Muslim faith that is absolutely fascinating.  People need to listen more.  Christianity has been used for extreme violence too.  Christians need to be honest about this fact – colonization, Trail of Tears, wars, etc. “How is it that for so long American Christianity has had its finger on parsing the language of righteousness but its feet far from fighting injustice.”  Charlie Dates

I would also send a million LONG texts lamenting what was happening.  We watched our authors evolve and change through the season too (Jen Hatmaker, Glennon – to name 2 who made considerable changes).  Jen Hatmaker became affirming of LGBT. This was not a problem for us because we were already there, but were shocked by the backlash she received. Although we did see what happened with WorldVision reversing their decision to let LGBT work with them because of the christian backlash.  This reversal happened within 48 hours of the announcement because of financial pressure.  I think that is a pivotal moment for many of us because that felt like hate won, and it won through money that would lead to the death of children.  It knocked the breath out of us.  We knew who Jesus was hanging out with now!  We are awake and we see the Evangelical church kicking people and churches out when there is a disagreement on theology.  And I personally notice how LGBT gets portrayed in non-affirming churches.  It is dangerous and it makes me very sad. I cannot reconcile that philosophy to Jesus at all.  Rachel Held Evans is one author we could lament with when the WorldVision fiasco happened.  I am telling you reading is not just reading a book, it is connection and a new way of thinking.  I believe God still speaks and we are still moving forward. Reading and writing has lead us to embody the Spirit and become more political.  We are seeing massive injustice, and it is our system causing the problem.  Also, an embodied faith is so important.  Disconnecting from our bodies makes us think that here and now does not matter.  Reading helped us discover this truth. We have very much experienced this truth as well.  Our bodies matter, and an embodied faith matters.  Politics matters.  The Bible is the report from those who had the foot of the Empire on their necks. We can no longer disconnect from the truth that our systems cause suffering.  Reading helped us discover this!  “Deep suffering makes theologians of us all.  The questions people ask about God in Sunday School rarely compare with the questions we ask while we are in the hospital.” Barbara Brown Taylor – author of “An Altar in the World: A Geography of Faith”

I am so thankful I had the book club and our authors when the world fell apart because my life was about to fall apart too.  When my world crashed along with everything else – my girls sat with me through the whole ordeal.  (And their life had crashed too!) When the tears flowed, they just let them flow.  I could write as many texts as I wanted crying out.  They never once gave advice or acted annoyed by my pain.  They joined me and walked with me.  I found even more authors on Twitter who pastored me through the darkness.  Then when I was ready to live again, they held my hand as I had to make significant changes in my life so I could move forward.  One was changing churches, because I needed to be where women were fully affirmed as well as LGBT.  The  Book Club has championed my revival. Through this decision I am not the same anymore.  I have experienced some kind of resurrection.  This is why I write!

When I decided to speak on what had been revealed to me, I knew I would lose people, but I knew I had the backing of the Book Club friends! The FaceBook likes would be less, a far more powerful tool than I would like to admit because I really like being liked.   I see the pain of those who have been left out and I could no longer play it safe.  I chose to leave the circle because I no longer belonged there anymore.  My heart breaks for those on the outside – we all belong.  I had a strong support group (Book Club) that let me do this.  I also had to find a church that would let me do this too.  Jonathan Martin, author of “How to Survive a Shipwreck” gave this advice– Don’t stay on the margins too long resisting.  Eventually you will need camaraderie to let you live the fire that is in your belly.  I can testify to this truth.  Go where you find life.

Our book club went on a cruise this year!  In February our long awaited cruise finally happened.  We purchased this cruise over a year in advance at such a great rate – but it took so long it always felt like the cruise “one day”.  Well “one day” happened!  I love this picture of us.  There is so much joy and also a great reminder of sisterhood I have beside me – good times, bad times, in between times, and crazy times.  All times!

What if at the end of history, the question God asks us is not whether we abstained from sin.  What if the question is “Did you enter the joy that was available to you?

Rich Villodas

I was once a very anxious person.  It is the reason Jake and I broke up in High School.  As a child I stressed about everything and did not sleep well.  There were some obvious reasons like my parent’s divorce, but I think there is a lot more to this story.  I was not kind of stressy, I was known for being stressy. At school people would tease me and wonder why I could not relax.  I did not want to be this way, but I thought there was nothing I could do about it.  I defined myself as an anxious person. (This is not to minimize anxiety in anyone else. Sometimes help is needed outside of what I am going to write, but I think what I am writing will help even if more help is needed, and even if it doesn’t completely go away).

Going to college (Oklahoma State – Go POKES!)  helped some.  I made new friends and learned to navigate life on my own a bit.  I joined a sorority , Alpha Chi Omega, (never in my life did I plan on a sorority) but it helped me a lot! I met my best friend Jill during Discovery Week before we started college.  We bonded instantly as Church of Christ girls. We did not end up in the same Sorority, but she changed the direction of my life in many ways.  Jill made me act silly (and that is a good thing).  Jill is full of life and spunk.  I am so glad I dropped Statistics the first time because retaking Statistics with her made that class the most memorable experience of my life.  The teacher was fantastic too.  She had a thick southern drawl and always asked “Did you choose the path of Failure or Success?”  (when she said it – it was the best!) We assured her we chose the path of success.  It was funny and we made it out of there with a B! Shew!  It was a really hard class, but our study nights were so much fun.  It is how we became WOW girls.  No reason, we just said we were so we were.  We even made shirts and wore it to the final.  Also worth noting as a side note, the teacher said in class “If America truly wanted a Christian President, they would have reelected Jimmy Carter.” (I had no idea how true that statement was at the time).

I was terrible at Rush for the Sorority.  The girls realized it too.  I actually got out of having to talk to people and work behind the scenes.  I had no confidence talking to people – and that is funny because I live for it now.  I did become Treasurer of the Sorority and got to work with the University President’s wife, Ann Halligan.  She is an Alpha Chi Omega and an accountant.  She signed checks, looked over my work, and encouraged me as a student and as a human being.  I love her so much.

Our junior year, my friend Jill ran for Student Government President and won, BUT there was controversy- of course.  People stole her signs, made up lies about her, and we had to go to Senate to discuss allegations against her and her running mate. It was an amazing win – it was not predicted or expected at all. I also had no idea that it was a glimpse of the future.  I got angry and started calling my friends who were saying ugly things about Jill because their fraternity brother was running and they thought she had no chance.  The school newspaper reported stuff that I was shocked they would print without verification.  I was livid! Oh, looking back the things I would say now about what happened! But it turned out ok.  We are all friends again.  She appointed me Student Government Treasurer but body guard might have been a better description.  LOL!.  We have so many stories of our time in office – like my 6 Dr. Pepper cans sitting on my desk because I would start one and never finish. I would open another one because they were flat by the time I took another sip.  Ha!

The summer before my Senior year in college, Jill talked me into working at a sports camp called Camp Olympia in Trinity, Texas. She had worked the summer before and knew I would love it.  I am not a coach though–I did gymnastics but I don’t coach .  She assured me they could use me in other ways.  Working at Camp Olympia was a significant life changing event for me.  It was an under cover christian camp, meaning not founded as a christian camp-but we would operate as one without saying names specifically. Counselors came a week early for training and that was a blast!. We also had bible devotionals and songs.  That was great, but it isn’t what changed my life (I was a little too familiar with that).  The people I met were fantastic and had so much energy.  What changed me is we had to act ridiculous!  We were split into 2 teams – Spartan and Athenian.  I was Athenian, Jill was Spartan – boo!  We had to motivate kids all week cheering, yelling, chanting, and singing to keep them going and competing for their team.  Cheering, yelling, and leading chants was not my thing!  My Church of Christ reservedness was not comfortable with this…. until all of the sudden I loved it!  I realized I was made to be crazy (live a little).  My body burst forth with unknown energy I had pent up for so long.  My anxiety subsided so much at this revelation/experience!  When I returned to college, the change was so significant people were asking how I had overcome my stress.  Like I said, I was known for stress!  I just needed to let go, and Camp Olympia helped me let go through cheers, chants, and absolute absurdity.  I LOVE IT!  I AM HERE FOR IT!

I write all of this because I believe we have lived our faith in such a reserved way, it spills out into our life.  We have a theology in our head, but not in our heart ,soul and life (embodiment).  Jesus is amazing, but we live like we are in bondage. We want to make sure we don’t make any decisions based on feelings, so we taught people how not to feel.  I grew up believing in the Heaven and Hell after life, and that is traumatic, even with a church that tried not to make a big deal about Hell.  I was supposed to focus on Heaven, but don’t be good just because I wanted to go to Heaven- pure motives.  Don’t be good just because I am afraid of going to Hell (The idea of Hell is scary no matter how you teach it). Honestly, it is confusing why he died subscribing to this theology because it sounds like we are still getting cast out if we don’t get it right —even though he died. You have to love everyone, but you can hate Satan.  As good as that sounds, that still leaves room for hate in our hearts.  Don’t raise your hands in church- we are not supposed to draw attention to ourselves. All of this was so much to take in, I can see why people are giving up! I never realized how stressful our after life theology was until I discovered the Holy Spirit who is here now.  I discovered this through ministers from the Pentecostal movement – Jonathan Martin, Brian Zahnd, Cheryl Bridges Johns, Reverend Barber, and through a Franciscan Catholic Mystic Richard Rohr (books and Twitter are powerful tools) – just to name a few.   It took pain to lead me to these ministers. The Pentecostal movement has their issues too – some sects went too far the other way from the rational faith.  But when the Pentecostal movement is healthy, it is life!  Their words are not just head words, these are words that bring life.  You hear them and you can’t stay still because something amazing is happening.  More on that in the next post. Also, since I was sure I was Pentecostal last year, I joined a Baptist church.  Isn’t that logical?!  LOL  Oh I love the Holy Spirit!

A truth I found in all of this, when you find the joy of God “here and now ” then participating in the Kingdom is endless life “here and now”.  I don’t know much about the after life.  I see glimpses of Heaven everyday and that is fuel to keep going.  I don’t know much about Hell, but I certainly see it all around us here and now.  The glimpses of Heaven I see gives me fuel to be a person of the future and bring in the Kingdom of God (Heaven) now.  The Kingdom is in us.  We pray “On Earth as it is in Heaven”, let us live into that truth.  We don’t have to guilt trip anyone into following God with the Spirit leading, and they know how loved they are. It is joy driven. This is something new for me. Fear based parenting, teaching and theology does not work-not if you are looking for joy. Not everything I do is fun, but I find the joy in it anyway.  I found joy in a Baptist meeting! Seeing pain and suffering is horrible and makes me cry.  I am not afraid to cry and be mad anymore.  I feel energy to be a part of the solution versus believing this is how it is and Jesus will take care of it later. Claiming Christ is not just saying it and speaking the right prayers.  It is a way of life. If you miss the heart, then there is no joy and no life.  I found joy and I want this to spread.  I believe in grace when I get it wrong.  If the fruit of what I have done is not of the Spirit, I repent (rethink) and change my direction.  People need to think critically about the Bible– when we don’t our theology may be death versus life.  I will write a post naming authors and theologians I have studied to make this switch soon.

There is a boy in you who may well be dying for you to become the man you must become now; there is a girl likely breathing her last so a more primal woman may rise and take her place.

Jonathan Martin

I think about Jen Hatmaker’s Good Friday post last year “My Saddest Good Friday in Memory: When Treasured Things are dead” http://jenhatmaker.com/blog/2017/04/14/my-saddest-good-friday-in-memory-when-treasured-things-are-dead.  I resonated with this post in every way.  Beth Moore also had a blog post about the Identity Crisis of her life.  It sounded so much like my lament too.  We were all feeling this.  https://blog.lproof.org/2017/08/identity-crisis-life.html

I say all of this to say, I don’t skip over Good Friday anymore.  Good Friday is very real.  It did not end well.  A lot of what we are seeing now will not end well.  Today I lament.  I remain disillusioned by so much and I am not afraid to cry anymore.  I will walk the Road to Emmaus because Jerusalem does not feel like home anymore. Jesus will meet us even when we walk away. The Eucharist is a time I encounter the hope I will glimpse Jesus again and we will reconcile with our brothers and sisters.

I am not afraid to live the Friday and Saturday with the hope of resurrection.  My life has reflected this very thing.  Last year at this time I was not in a good place.  Today I am in a much better place, but I am still very aware of the reality that our world is shaking.  The glimpses of Heaven I see each day keeps me hoping for a new day.

I will share a little of my own journey these last 2 years when I visited Austin.  It was my walking away and coming back home. My Road to Emmaus. Home just looks different now.

I finally got to a point I could not do church because it did not feel like home anymore. I took a trip to Austin with my friend Stephanie to go to Jen Hatmaker’s church. We did this 2 years in a row.  Both trips were so fun and full of whimsy and adventure.  The first time we walked all over downtown Austin and then it started raining.  We were near this beautiful Catholic church so we decided to take a look and get shelter.  There was nothing telling us anything was going on.  Well, we walked in on a wedding about to start!  Ha!  We were in ponchos soaking wet and the Grandmother of the groom was so excited we came and asked us to crash the wedding.  It was unbelievable.  The Grandmother was the best and told us to wait until we see her on the dance floor.  We were dying.  We did not stay for the whole wedding because it is a Catholic wedding and you know that is LONG!  But we took a selfie (of course) and walked out so full of joy only to see a homeless man needing help.  We had nothing at that moment to give and I saw his face fall.  That was hard coming out on such a high to someone not invited to the party.  It just won’t leave me.  I realized I had left overs that I hadn’t thought about until it was too late.  So the next day we drove downtown Austin before church to give the food to the first homeless person we saw.  Steph found someone digging in the trash and handed him our leftovers.  He had a cigarette in his mouth and told her “Thank you Ma’am” and he watched her walking away.  I know we cannot solve the homeless problem but we sure can give them dignity every chance we get, and then go back home and start looking at our systems that allow people to be homeless. Then we went to church – Jen was not there, Brandon was and an older couple greeted us and told us all about the church and what they are doing.  It was Jen’s parents. Steph figured it out and we told them they were busted. Their church is serious.  I was like “what is this”?!  They ask questions about poverty, homeless, working poor, adoption, veterans.

The second year we went was so fun too.  We went downtown again and found out it was the Science March!  I had completely forgotten.  We joined the party.  We listened to people speak whose words in the past I would have said “blasphemy” but now thought – that is interesting.  We joined the march and it was incredible.  Cars driving on the interstate were honking in solidarity.  It felt so unified and important.  Then we found a South African food truck.  We went to Jen’s church again b/c Jonathan Martin was speaking.  That is when I met him and he embraced me…. “Lindsay! I feel like I know you already from Twitter”  Ha!  I sat down next to a very nice lady and we talked a bit.  She then revealed she was Brandon’s sister and then Jen and Brandon sat right in front of us.  I was thinking this journey was the best thing ever.  We were able to talk to Jen and Brandon a bit after church about our hope for the church.

I really wanted a church again because of this.  I felt what it could be like.  Church can be more open, more vulnerable, allow women and LGBT equal opportunity to serve and pastor, and talk about hard things. We must address issues of today.  I read an article today by Mitch Randall, executive Director of Ethics Daily.com stating Jesus did not die because he offered “thoughts and prayers”, he was executed because he challenged the powerful and turned their systems upside down.  He also had a radical position of including the “other”.  His way was also the way of nonviolence.  This quote by Nate Pyle: “The crowds cried, “Barabas! Give us Barabas!” Then they cried Crucify him!”  And then Jesus went like a lamb to the slaughter so that we might know the character of God.  God is not the bloodthirsty crowd demanding appeasement.  God is the love that suffers for us.”

The church of the future is the one who recognizes this Jesus.

I live in hope of the Resurrection.  For now I am sitting with Friday and Saturday.

And once you see, you can’t unsee, And once you taste, you can’t untaste

Rob Bell

Before I was asked to start a blog by my friend Claire, I had actually been considering starting one.  But I did not trust myself writing until I got confirmation.  I feel like Moses (only the self doubting version of Moses) “Who am I? I am nobody. I am a poor speaker” But something I have learned in my season of darkness is that I can write.  But it wasn’t until I found my new church home that the words seem to be flowing and won’t stop.  I want to write about this today.

I am not going to write about the painful event that happened as that is personal, but I want to write the truth of what I learned.  I am writing to try and discover truth. Truth does in fact exist.  Something I have found in darkness is you find your own darkness.  When everything around me started to fall apart in 2016-2017, I finally got to a point I had no energy but to surrender to the situation.  I remember feeling the earthquake when it all seemed so shocking and disorienting ….to the moment I said “I surrender” and all of the sudden I felt I was on the boat with Jesus when he is telling the storm to “Be Still”.  At that moment I felt I was sailing with just a light rain.  I went to Jake so much calmer and told him we have to let this situation go, it is all going to go.  But what I thought was death actually wasn’t death at all because new life came.  And I discovered the Bible on a whole new level through this event too.  I tell people that I just had a midlife crisis and I found Jesus.  I have never felt so alive.

The beginning of the falling apart actually began with Trump.  I was shocked christians were backing this man up as a christian and a good idea.  I was not a fan of Hillary, but Trump was a whole new level of scary to me.  I know people say the other side felt the same way about Hillary and that troubled me.  How could we see this so differently?  What in the message got so lost between all of us? I found authors/preachers like Rachel Held Evans, Cheryl Bridges Johns, Jen Hatmaker, BJ Thompson, Richard Rohr, Hart Ramsey, Jo Saxton,  Jonathan Martin (I am going to write a lot more about Jonathan in another post), Brian Zahnd, Beth Moore, Michael Wear, and many many more to be of great comfort during this confusion.  I made sure to include voices of color, women, conservative and liberal to make sure I was not listening to one voice to back up my point of view.  They had to be a deep thinker though.  There are voices I will not listen to – Franklin Graham, Jerry Falwell, Jr., etc.  I do not deny the good work any of them have done, but the dangerous message they bring to christianity has maybe done more harm than the good they have done – or at least the good is going to be overshadowed.  I do pray for them and love them though.  I believe a Revival is coming – actually there really is one coming to Lynchburg April 6 & 7 , 2018 lead by Shane Claiborne and Red Letter Christians.  Jonathan Martin, Reverend Barber, and many more will be there.  It is not to vilify Falwell or Liberty University but to lift up the name of Jesus.

I thought these voices were going to get me through this presidency, but I had no idea my life was going to fall apart.  When that happened I could not sleep.  I cried every night outside trying to understand this pain. I started to withdraw from everything – even my own family. It was a form of depression, but I don’t want to say that lightly because some forms of depression need more treatment than what I went through and that is OK! Do what you need to do to live again. Despite the darkness of life, Heaven is here too.  Do what you need to do to see it. I am thankful I had been reading books for so long because Glennon Doyle had said something long before I understood it – “Go through your pain.  Pain means you loved”.  I knew then I was going to have to lean into this pain.  Jonathan Martin is a voice that reached me and literally walked me through this.  More on that later!

Rob Bell’s podcast came to me too.  I was hooked.  I started listening to him talk about the Bible in a way I had never heard.  All of the sudden I was reading the Bible feeling the writer’s pain, joy, confusion, doubt, etc. They are my kindred spirits. Rob Bell is right the Bible is for everyone, not just christians.  It is a book about what it means to be human.  I highly recommend “What is the Bible?” by Rob Bell for anyone interested in this.  And to be clear, he did not come up with this philosophy.  This is nothing new.  It is actually very old truth.  I also had to realize not everyone was going to be on board with my new outlook on life.  What gave me energy did not give energy to others.  What did not work for me still felt safe for others.  This is something I also had to face when I got to the other side of pain.

For my 40th birthday this past October, my mother gave me tickets to see Jen Hatmaker and Nichole Nordemon on their Moxie Matters Tour.  These 2 ladies also walked me through my pain.  I wore out “Unmaking” and “Dear Me” songs by Nichole, and Jen had a very public fall from grace in the “Christian Machine”.  Jen’s new book “Of Mess and Moxie” and Nichole’s new album “Every Mile Mattered” came to me in the midst of my pain.  It felt  like God giving his hurting child presents.  🙂  Listening to them talk about pain on tour was exactly what I needed to hear.  But I was still ready for a new start in church because I was in a new place spiritually.  I still love my old church and I am certainly not mad at anyone.  I am closer to some in that church now more than ever through this.  This just happens and I realize it is the Holy Spirit shaking things up.  So on this tour 2 churches had sponsored this event and both were LGBT affirming and in full support of women being ministers.  Wilshire Baptist Church stood out to me – I think because it was Baptist and I was certain they would not be inclusive, but this was proving me wrong.  I actually like that.  Ha!  I love when the walls of my heart get broken down.  That is true freedom—To love openly without agenda.  The book “Torn” by Justin Lee did that for me regarding the LGBTQ community.  I loved it.  I did not want to love BUT….I want to love without the but.  And now I know I can.  I have never felt so alive. Have I said that already?!

Landing at Wilshire Baptist Church has literally changed me 100%.  I have found joy that hasn’t been present in awhile.  And it is a level of joy I don’t think I have ever had.  All of the sudden I am connecting with people on a whole new level everywhere I go (SAMs, the pet store, maintenance workers, church, mission trip, etc).  The Holy Spirit is doing something new.  I feel so free and I want everyone to know, and more importantly join in the freedom.  When I am asked to help at church… I literally want to help.  I feel I am participating in something new that is happening and it is an absolute joy to be a part of it. The gospel is good news for everyone. I will live my life to that truth to the fullest extent I know how.  I don’t care if I am qualified anymore.  I am called to participate, as we all are, and I will obey that call.  I have never felt so alive!  🙂  (Also worth noting, in just 2 months of attending Wilshire 2 MALE ministers asked me if I am called to ministry.  They have no idea what that means to me because my background has never let me imagine this.  And to hear it from brothers (women have usually been supportive of this) is healing.)

Politics is a word that has been misused.  After listening to a RobCast (Rob Bell) a better way to view the word politics is like this, “Our Shared life together”  So yes, I am political and so are you.

After serving 2 one week mission trips in St. Louis my life returned to normal as usual.  This is what usually happens because of the enormity of the problem and the disconnect we have from these problems when we return home.  Thankfully I have the most amazing book club and we read books that are constantly opening our eyes.  We read everything!  The journey through books is absolutely fascinating, but they also have the power to make you question everything you once believed.  Challenging what I have always believed has been the most freeing experience of my life.

I am trying to remember what book started the deconstruction.  I want to say “Irresistible Revolution” by Shane Claiborne.  The part where I read about Shane heading to Iraq to be with their children when our country drops a bomb on them is still with me after all of these years.  I really was unaware how much 9/11 would change America and the decisions we would make following the event.  Fear really crept in and altered us, and we still have not recovered.  So I feel I need to talk about my 9/11 experience….

Jake and I were just married when 9/11 occurred.  I worked at CITGO Petroleum and I remember the day clearly.  I heard people saying a plane had hit one of the Towers, but then someone said Pentagon.  I was thinking “Geez, no one is getting the story straight”.  But then I looked at the footage online and was horrified. It was unbelievable.  I went home to Jake at lunch who was still studying to become a teacher.  We watched the towers fall and thought: “what is going to happen?” At that time America really came together to help, sing, pray.  I know Social media wasn’t a thing so maybe that is why I did not hear all the terrible rhetoric that we now hear.  But at this time I saw unity.  I saw a President cry.

But it wasn’t long until Toby Keith started in with his “Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue” to send a message of don’t mess with America because we will put a boot in your ass.  Toby is from my hometown of Norman, Oklahoma.  I was quite embarrassed by the song despite the catchy lyrics.  I refuse to listen to it because I will sing it – just like the stupid “Make America Great Again” song First Baptist Dallas made.  Why do both of my home towns make the catchy tunes that goes against what I believe?! If I listen to them I will sing them while folding laundry and then realize what I have done once the clothes are folded! I have to avoid them. “Make America Great Again” is a clear message of civil religion, by the way.  I bring these 2 songs up because (in my opinion) Toby Keith’s attitude was the beginning of what we were going to see play out in 2016 with Trump. TK went after the Dixie Chicks because they were opposed to the Iraq War.  What happened: March 10, 2003 in London (9 days before we invaded Iraq) Natalie Maines basically said we don’t want this war and we are ashamed of our President.  The outcry by country music was overkill, and I joined their circus by throwing out their music, my loss! I would not do that today.  And now I am listening to them again making up for lost time.  “I am not Ready to Make Nice” is a song we should listen to because she talks about the pain she went through, the death threats, and that her world turned upside down but she liked it. (2016 my world turns upside down.  I didn’t get death threats – it is a different situation, but I realize I gained more by the experience even though I thought I was losing everything).  Also interesting to note, Toby Keith was the biggest star Trump could muster up for his inauguration.  (Unless you think Lee Greenwood is bigger- He also has a catchy tune).

I don’t write this to make fun of anyone because I was more like Toby Keith in 2003.  Not because I was a fan of war (nope nope nope), it was the culture I lived in.  You can’t talk about the President that way in another country.  I am all for respecting authority, the office of the President, etc – but I now realize we should always be skeptical, especially when going to war.  When we did not find Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq we should not have invaded. I don’t care the response I get for making that statement.  The harm done by this war has changed who we are and it is time we get honest about America’s mistakes (and this goes back further than the Iraq War- WW2, Vietnam, etc, you never get over war). This is on all of us, not just the President.  But we can question our leaders – they work for us. (I don’t want to talk about Trump and what he has done to the office in this post).

Here is another thing that was going on with me, I worked with brokers located in New York who were directly affected by 9/11.  When I spoke with them they were adamantly against the war.  One wrote a beautiful piece on how much New York came together during the tragedy, and was asking the President to find another solution other than war. And they were saying this missing being a casualty of the tragedy because of the time of day they went to work.  They lost friends and colleagues.  You are never the same when you talk to people and listen to them.  But I was still young and naive in 2003.  I did not realize how much this incident started a divide in America that we are now seeing on full display today.  Rob Bell said in a podcast he knew when the Iraq war happened things in America would change.  This was not going to go well.

I need to also mention that working for an oil company meant we were encouraged to vote Republican.  Emails came in telling us what Republicans would do to help and how Democrats were basically against us (environmental).  This peaked my curiosity being encouraged how to vote at work.  I come from a Democratic family (we are school teachers and farmers) I was shocked by this. I also went to a conservative church where I did not want to tell anyone I sometimes vote Democrat.  This was a whole new world for me, so I basically just checked out politically because it stressed me out.  But one moment that stood out to me in the political realm that also made me question christianity is when Bush had an openly gay speaker at the Republican National Convention, Jim Kolbe (this I was actually quite glad about but what happened is what changed me).  The Christian Coalition was there and when the speaker spoke the camera spanned to the coalition as they went to their knees in prayer the whole time he spoke.  I was not even fully affirming then, but that moment changed me.  I was angry.  That didn’t seem like Jesus or love to me at all.  (If it seems I am picking on Republicans it is because republicans were my world at this point, and they brought in Jesus to their cause which is a quick way to lose the plot). I wish I knew then that oil companies were lobbyists for Republicans.  Democrats were bought by big corp too, but my world was where Republicans were bought. (Both parties continue to be bought by lobbyists.  They shouldn’t be funded by anyone, but since they are we need to be asking who is funding each candidate and get the breakdown).

Oh and CITGO is Venezuelan owned which came with a different set of politics.  It was mind boggling.  Chavez was the leader at this time and we all knew that was bad news.

This is not what I planned to write today. Shane’s book took me down this path.  I am  writing as the wind blows.  As I review this post it makes  me realize why politics is important.  It affects lives. So telling people to shut up and stay out of politics is saying they don’t get a voice in democracy.  Yes, working for nonprofits is great, but our political system is what creates the need for them.  I want our systems to stop creating the need for these organizations.  We can create a system where everyone has an opportunity to flourish, not just the wealthy.  This was the work of Martin Luther King Jr.  Jesus was also political.