I had my first Worship class today (1-22-20). I had no idea what to expect bc this is about order of worship and what is involved in worship (which is free for each church, but I’m not going into details on this).
There is something that struck me powerfully though. It’s how we talked about Baptism and the living waters. We listened to water and were reminded we aren’t in control. It took me back in time – not to my church baptism but my spiritual baptism.
I’ve written about someone we had to let go for very serious reasons, and our souls still ache over the whole situation. Wounds have healed, but scars remain. A year after the situation happened we steadied ourselves a bit – not exactly living fully, but stable- but another round hit us—-and it hit us hard.
Jake Bruehl and I were going on a date and a friend alerted us there was something bad about to happen and sent us a photo. Jake called the person, and they lied. We were at a restaurant by the water. I looked out at the water and couldn’t leave it for the longest time—even when I couldn’t see it; I could hear it.
At this point, I was done. I didn’t think it could get worse, but it did. We couldn’t leave this lie alone either. We had to do something. My heart was broken, and I knew more fall-out was coming dealing with this too. I couldn’t understand why everyone was not only leaving, but it was incredibly cruel. I hate talking about it, but it has shaped me in ways that I have to own it as part of the story.
It didn’t go well. Went worse than I even anticipated.
The water gave me insight on what to write in a moment I couldn’t say anything. I wrote that being near the water calms me, but it also reminds me this gift of peace can turn into a violent storm. Water reminds me to come and rest, but also WATCH OUT!
Richard Rohr caught me at this point with breathing underwater. He said we often think we are through the hardest part, but it’s not done working on us.
Every date Jake and I went on – it was the only way to get me out of the house – was to go to a place near the water. Even when I first joined Wilshire our dates had to be near water. It calmed me in ways nothing else could.
Then Jared Jaggers gave this beautiful sermon on baptism last January (2019). The way he told the story I felt myself in the eunuchs place when he came out of the water. I think this is the moment I came out of the water too. It was a transcendent moment for me.
It was as palpable as the moment I told Jake we have to let go of everyone, and I felt the raging storm still into a light rain.
So it was a powerful moment for me in Worship today. I remembered my baptism. It is no small thing.
Today was also the first time I said “start a mutiny” in years. This was before class! I found new life for all of the Mutiny work I have done. It mattered. All of it – the pain too.