Today I sat down to watch my friend (I am so proud to call her my friend!) Cheryl Allison’s film: Shatter the Silence. It is on Amazon Prime for free- Everyone please watch it! After such a long night of deep grief when the church was silent in a moment I was in despair, hope came when I walked into the doors of Wilshire Baptist Church. I believe in church again, and I know it is going to get better. My faith tells me so. And some real tangible things have happened to back up this belief–one is this film. My pastor, George Mason, is also in this film speaking out on violence against women, and calls the church to account.

God heard my cry, and I found a new day. I also learned how not alone I was. What I have learned during the agony, and after, is how widespread sexual violence is in church, and in all areas of life. Women are sorely underrepresented in leadership in church and in government. I was (and still am) shocked to learn not only how unprotected we are -church silencing and the government with a backlog of rape test kits, but to also learn what men in leadership think about women in regards to rape! This film is so important. I am also glad someone said this goes back to early biblical times. We are still not over women treated as property. I am going to say more on that in a minute.

Not only sexual violence spoken in my church by a male pastor; Cheryl has taken this story to film, and it is reaching far and wide (USA, UK, and Germany). Cheryl’s goal for the film is to screen at universities as part of ongoing curriculums and special screenings, and on November 12, 2019 “Shatter the Silence” had it’s first educational screening at the University at Texas Arlington. In an age where the Trump administration is rolling back sexual violence protections on college campuses-this could not come at a more important time. A reminder to not lose faith. Hope is never lost when we stay true to our faith. Thank you, Cheryl!

I learned there are, and were, some amazing women working in Texas Congress to make change for women. We are severely underrepresented, but the women who were elected worked to make it matter for women. One is discovering the backlog of untested rape kits! Former Senator Wendy Davis is one who gave voice to women, and you can learn more about her in the documentary. She has started a non-profit, Deeds Not Words, and is continuing to do amazing work to this day.

“Shatter the Silence” received Honorable Mention from the jury at the Santa Monica Film Festival! The Dallas Art Beat says the documentary thinks globally but acts locally. That is part of Martin Luther King’s vision in terms of justice.

What stood out to me is learning how to have a conversation. Coming to Wilshire is not only important to my healing, but also to help me cultivate what I have learned into a conversation. There is a lot of pain, and it is easy for emotion to take over when we need people to listen. This documentary addresses this too. There was space given for men to ask anything they want, because this has turned their world upside down too–Raising awareness how the responsibility has been placed on the victim for too long. I also appreciated hearing men who want to be allies and friends want to know what is appropriate and what isn’t, and understanding people have different tolerance levels.

For me, I want to tell men to just be normal friends. I meet with men at my church one on one, and it isn’t a big deal. It is like meeting with any normal human being. The Billy Graham Rule was not good to women. I understand what the intent was, but it made women out to be the ones who can’t be trusted. Plus, Jesus did not do that. He met the woman at the well, a place known for picking up women, and he did not take someone with him to verify his purity. He treated her like a human being, and released her from the story society told her. He released her to preach, because a lot more people heard about Jesus after this moment. Women Preach!

Which brings me back to church. Yesterday, I posted this blog post-Max Lucado on Jen Hatmaker’s Podcast . Lucado is a huge influence in my life, and I am so grateful. There are raw emotions written in this post, and I think this drives people away. I would like to challenge people to stay in the hard conversations. Let the pain speak too. I had my husband read it–believe it or not, becoming a feminist does not eliminate men, if anything it includes them more–and he liked it. He told me if we can’t speak this truth, then we can’t get to the cancer that is deep in our theology because we are too afraid to speak. This is huge coming from Jake. He is a 9 on the enneagram. He is an extremely balanced person, and he said this needs to be said.

Yes, there will be fall-out, and there is no way around it. Jake was hurt by the situation I wrote about too. I haven’t written a lot about that, because that is his story. Usually, I assume I am over-reacting, but when I saw his pain and inability to reach out in the soccer-world (truly his world); I knew I wasn’t over-reacting. This was real. It involves sexual abuse of a child, and Max’s story also includes his own sexual abuse as a child. This issue is massive and cannot be ignored. It is hurting women and men-and our children. Lucado thinks the splitting of the church is the work of the Devil. I think the Devil was in the silence. Holy Spirit is here with her Holy Wind blowing through and revealing what has been so wrong. Did you know when Lucado spoke out saying Trump was not decent-his fall-out was severe and extremely gross? I am sick to my stomach to learn there is a disease is in our church that is causing such evil words and actions to occur when calling out a sexual predator. Then comes the SBC massive sexual abuse, and we see how that is going.

We cannot ignore the church’s complicity-including authors of Scripture. What I love about Scripture now is knowing this. A lot of the violence written-God never ordained it–and lot of it never actually happened! Praise God! Paul ignored women and changed a story about Jesus being revealed to Peter instead of women first-but Jesus  never was portrayed this way. Mary was sitting at his feet learning to preach-our first preacher to proclaim the resurrection-along with other women. Old Testament-women were the beginning of the Exodus, Puah and Shiphrah saved the Hebrew babies by lying to Pharaoh. People may fail us; God will not. I believe this now.

Wilshire and “Shatter the Silence” are faith made sight for me. A glimmer of light in the unknown future. Hope it is going to get better. My pastor, George Mason, is amazing in the documentary. I get to call him friend too. He is so good to me. He hasn’t once judged my emotions or where I am on the journey. He wants to empower me wherever I am, and won’t give up on me. I can’t tell you what that does for my soul. He can ground me like no one else can (the good kind of grounding). Men and women working together is not something to be feared. It can be so good, and a beautiful friendship. I know because I am experiencing this gift.

I have dark days still. The wounds hurt some days more than others. Especially when I read or hear things that trigger me. These are things I am going to have to work through the rest of my life. LeVar Burton, who I loved growing up watching on Reading Rainbow, tweeted about what it is like being black in America. Being black is not for the weak of heart he says. He also said this, and it spoke to me in a profound way: For, being Black in America oftentimes means living in and loving a country, that does not love us back. You may take exception to my premise, but you cannot discount my experience.

Our wounds are not the same, but I can’t help but think about being a woman in church. We live in and love an institution that oftentimes doesn’t love us back. America doesn’t  either-especially woman of color.

It is time to be ok hearing the pain, and not discounting it. When I went to CenterPeace conference in October 2018, I just listened to our LGBTQUIAPlus siblings. They did not need my questions-they needed my ear. I cried and apologized for how we have treated them. They said “in the name of God you are forgiven”. We can get here. I know we can.

Thank you, Cheryl. My good and faithful friend. God has blessed me beyond measure with your friendship, and to experience our new journeys together. We can keep going together.

I was so excited to see Max Lucado was on Jen Hatmaker’s latest podcast today, January 1, 2020. Max Lucado is a huge influence in my Christian faith. He is Church of Christ, so of course that was a big deal to me-Church of Christ is not often seen in the public sphere. Max is a great person, and one who represents Church of Christ, and the body of faith as a whole, well. I am no longer on the same page as Max on several important issues, but he is someone who is open, loving and willing to listen. Before I left my denomination of origin (which is so weird to say, because I am still Christian) I was  grateful Lucado used his voice to call our current President “not decent”. I needed that more than words can say. I was dying inside, and the Church I was a part of, and churches all around me would not speak. The only ones speaking were the ones who supported the President; and the betrayal I felt was a deep depression for me. I wanted Max to go further in what he said, but considering the fall-out he received afterwards, I took the gift for what it was at the time.

Let me back up a minute and explain a bit of my history with Lucado. I used to read Max Lucado and John Grisham exclusively. I loved the comfort and joy from Max, and the mystery and suspense from John Grisham. I guess in some ways they put the faith life together for me–now that I write this out. Since I joined my book club 14 years ago (gasp!), I haven’t read either one since. So, it was such a joy to hear from Max again on Jen’s podcast today. To hear what he is thinking now; how he came to Christ; his abuse; and what he is writing about now was a treasure for me today.

I grew up conservative. I was always at the most progressive Church of Christ in town, but for all intents and purposes, we were conservative. Dancing wasn’t expressly forbidden at our church, but if you had a reception at the church – no dancing. And the Church of Christ colleges in the area absolutely forbade it. I don’t know if that is still protocol, but it was when I was growing up. They would track you down too–find you by your car tag. Scary! I know this because someone I know and love was caught. I have friends in low places. Ha! But Max did not see dancing that way at all. I can’t remember which book it was, but he talked about Jesus being the life of the party–Jesus would dance with the bride. I loved that. He made Jesus sound fun, instead of trying to find all the ways we are wrong. And I never understood why we couldn’t dance. What a dumb rule. I feel like I was born to dance, but I did not get the chance to develop the skill. The same thing was happening to me in regards to preaching, because I  was in a complementarian church and a woman–doesn’t work out for me.

Another thing Max Lucado did for me was help me approach my prayer life differently-more tenderly. I said my prayers at night as a kid. A lot of times I fell asleep praying, and I felt so guilty about that. I would think about the garden scene in the Bible with the disciples unable to stay awake, and I thought Jesus was upset with me too. But Max presented it another way to me. He not only gave me permission to not feel guilty by falling asleep, but to also thank Jesus for the gift of peace of falling asleep in his arms. How beautiful is that imagery? I need to tap into this again as sleep has not come easily to me as of late. The world is on fire, and it is hard to sleep at a time like this, but sleep we must or we won’t be any good.

Today on the podcast, I heard his story of finding Jesus in his pain. He was abused as a child. It is such a sad story, and it grieves me how predators scheme and fool people because they are likable-and often knowledgeable in scripture! This is what happened to us in the soccer world, and my child was almost a victim–I grieve every time I think about it. And the lack of response by the community and police department revealed to me how unsafe our children are in our society. This is when I ran away from church and most of life in general. But I found God running with me; I will get to that in a moment. Max set up his own Eucharist to cope. I cried thinking about young Max having to cope on his own in such a tragic situation, but Jesus met him there. Jesus didn’t leave him alone.  It was milk and something else he had to substitute for crackers, and he felt Jesus healing presence. For me, I was outside–nightly–with tears and wine, and Jesus revealed himself to me as a tender mother. Max says he was completely healed with no lingering side effects. While that may be true for him-I would not say that is the case for me, and might be a dangerous thing to say because abuse is a deep wound–but I get the Spirit of what he is saying. God transcends whatever we go through, and that is absolutely true. My wounds still hurt from time to time, but St. Gertrude came to me in Church History and revealed to me the wounds of Christ are jewels-view my wounds as the jewels of Christ.

Lucado talked about going to seminary. He was in a class where they had to give their professor what they thought was essential to be a follower of Christ. Everyone’s response was taken into account, and then they had to decide what was the most essential. The professor had them to turn to scripture: 1 Corinthians 15. When Max read it was the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus Christ- all else is secondary- I could agree with that; but there was more said that I hadn’t heard before in this writing of Paul. It is that Paul said Jesus revealed himself to Peter first, and then to the apostles and so on. Wait a minute!!! That isn’t exactly true.( By the way, I love to argue with Paul. We have a good relationship now, and he can handle it.) Jesus revealed himself to women first.

Paul we are pretty sure, was a friend of Luke’s, and this continues my dissatisfaction with how Luke portrays women in his gospel. But Luke does say women were the first to see the men in dazzling clothes who asked them why they were looking for the living among the dead. He is not here, but risen (Luke 24:5). They remembered what they had been told, and went back and told the eleven. They were not believed-the apostles thought the women were telling idle tales (vs. 11)–women, can you imagine this?!—and that is when Peter went and checked the tomb,  found the clothes and was amazed (v. 12). I never caught this discrepancy before. Helps to know Scripture. While Paul may have been speaking to his audience-it is not a help to women. He may have been trying to get people to listen, and bringing up women would be too controversial (imagine that), but what keeps me in the faith is that Jesus did not do that. Jesus did not wait until the time was convenient. The authors may have tried to write women out of the story, but Spirit never let any of them get away with it. We only see glimpses, but learning the history and seeing the glimpses-God has revealed something to me in regards to faithful women.

I left my church home because my experience did not matter. I had laid my life down for soccer and church, and I did not matter. It was considered too political and controversial to bring up rape in church by calling out the Republican candidate. Republicanism has been confused with Christianity, and ministers are having a hard time figuring out what to do in this political climate. Our minister did say something in general, but when your pain is not spoken clearly-it continues to feel like another wound on the soul. This opened me up to the pain other people had been expressing, but are not getting their message spoken either-not clearly. This is the problem with generalization. We always want a balanced conversation-even when there is no balance.

I don’t think the split in the church is the work of the Devil. The Devil doesn’t have that much power. Holy Spirit is blowing through out churches, and what is being revealed is lifting up the powerless, and asking those who have had the podium to listen.

I write this with deep gratitude for what Max Lucado has meant to my life. We are not on the same page, but I wouldn’t be where I am today without him. Thank you, faithful servant. I loved hearing from you today.