Today I had a much needed therapy session. I had so much to say today and it was not until the end that I told her about my severe pain that made me think of labor last week, my crown I forgot I was getting, and being super cold this week to a point I felt a lot of physical pain again. I was also late with assignments and missed a few requirements. My therapist wished we had more time to discuss these issues today. I had so much to get off of my chest before I remembered.
One thing I told her was this: People were laughing at Texans because this cold is hard. I cried out about how miserable I was and was met with care from people in my community, but a lot of people were laughing at Texans. The thing is, we have bad leadership. No one is made for this cold, and our houses are not set up to keep us warm in this extreme cold. I have since learned that Texas was off the power grid from the whole country. Our rugged individualism is literally killing us. And our leadership is blaming everything else but themselves. This truly is leadership failure. And denying science and climate change. I am so tired of people voting for these crooks.
The hatred of women in our country is killing us too. Countries, and even our own states, with female leadership-or with men and and non-binary leaders who love women–are doing much better. Texas is in sorry shape. We may have the 10th largest economy in the world, but you know what comes to mind when I hear that? It is a line from Hamilton when Alexander is talking to Jefferson: Hey neighbor, your debts are paid because you don’t pay for labor. Women are paid less than men, even doing the same job–if they even let us have a job too many want to reserve for men only. Churches are still so patriarchal here.
But then my own pain came up and she asked me this: What do you need? It sounds like you are caring for everyone in the world and crying out you need something too.
I told her this: A professor from another seminary wrote that he wants to tell his daughters how much he loves them-even though they don’t want to hear it all the time. It made me emotional, because I want that. Not just from family, but the community I live in. We all do. Living in Texas and the United States is like living in a place that would love to never see you, but will take the positivity and production; preferably for low-cost so the wealthy are not bothered.
Then another pastor wrote about a woman who came to accept Jesus and she talked about how she felt she did not deserve that love. The pastor: None of us do. Me: Why not? Why do we not deserve this love? Why would God create something that does not deserve her adoration. I do not get it. It sent me spiraling, and I was so busy- I do not thrive off of busyness-and I woke up in the most pain I had ever known since birthing my first child. And you know what happened when I cried because of this pain? George and my professor KBF both called me. They gave me love that I was crying out for. And it soothed my soul and aching body.
Therapist: You sound shocked by this.
Me: I did not grow up receiving tenderness from a lot of people. I have been mostly invisible my whole life.
Therapist: Sounds like you are upset about a lot, and the world hasn’t taken a hot minute in all of our trauma to see. But it sounds like your body is needing a hot minute based on what you just told me: back pain, your teeth, and being extremely cold and tired. What does your body need for that minute?
Me: To remember the love I received last week from people who just love me. It is not for what I produce or do; they just do. To enjoy the journey and not worry about getting it all done. Maybe that is the best gift I can give to others too.
Therapist: Every time we talk about you, it alway turns to others. How can we stay focused on you?
Here are some things I’m doing to care for me.