Good Afternoon, friends! (You will have to watch ”Spirited” to know why this is funny—or an attempt at being funny).

I am not going to give away the whole storyline to “Spirited,” but I do want to write about one of their themes that is in the message I have been sharing for quite some time now.

Transformation. It takes time.

I was listening to Brene Brown talk to Adam Grant, author and organizational psychologist, about pancakes. We all know the first pancake never turns out, and they were saying we should celebrate that first pancake. Without the first pancake, we do not get what comes next. It is the shitty first draft we should not hide but celebrate. Transformation cannot happen without the shitty first draft—the first pancake. I like the say I am Baptist House of Studies first pancake now. Celebrate me for the excellence that will follow. Ha! I kid. I kid. But there is truth to that.

I had to learn how to write when I got to seminary, and it was a painful process. I had so many emotions about it—being graded again while learning something new, trying to overcome imposter syndrome, taking tests, studying a religion I was still traumatized by, etc. I am so freaking proud of myself now looking back on it. I no longer feel the shame of the breakdowns it caused me, because it made me resilient and stronger for the fight of my life that was coming. Learning to manage my emotions is one of the greatest things I learned in seminary. And it took a whole team of people to help me learn how.

I have read somewhere that we cannot talk about self-care without community-care. Healing happens communally, even though it is an individual choice to heal and do the homework necessary to make it successful, excellent. It will start out shitty. Your community should be aware that you are on a journey to heal and to not judge you for where you are on your healing journey—I learned this from a rabbi. They can meet you where you are so you can continue the journey. This never ends, by the way.

You know what happened to me at the end of that horrible, no good season my family just went through? We ended that fight more loving than we began. More loving of others and ourselves! I can say I matter and I belong now. I exist. Love is the acknowledgement that one exists. I exist! That is huge. Could not have gotten here without the mess—not without the first pancake that I will not throw away and act like did not exist. I love that first pancake too. None of what is happening now would have been possible without that process.

In the show, they talk about how taking a jerk at work you work to turn around overnight (i love how they said that) does not work. They have to do the work, and it takes time.

Emotional work is work. It takes time, it is hard, and it is messy. Will Ferrell’s character said to Ryan Reynolds character: You are feeling inner turmoil, that is good. That is the beginning of transformation.

That is the first pancake.

As I listen to teachers talk about how their students either struggle way too much with wanting to get everything right, or they do not care about doing it at all, I think about what a difference it would make if we were celebrating the first pancake more. It is a celebration of getting something accomplished and now the transformation can happen. Transformation can happen because the first pancake exists.

Happy Tuesday, y’all. We are a society that needs to work on emotional intelligence. It takes time and is a slow process. Maybe it just starts with saying one less “Good Afternoon!” (You need to see the show to understand) to get the process moving. The line between good and bad is not as clear as we think it is; although, there are lines that should never be crossed and they mention that too.

I was talking to my bestest friend in the world this morning, Teri King. I’m going to insert my Facebook post I wrote this morning after this preface.

Teri and I were talking about many things, but she can always hear what we need to focus on in each of our conversations, today being no exception. She told me for New Years she does a word for the year each year instead of resolutions. I haven’t done anything for a while now. She thought based on what I had been saying throughout our convo I might benefit from having a word or phrase for the year. She suggested “never ending.”

I’ll admit, I have felt like everything has been ending for me: seminary, life in Texas, loss of pet, loss of parent, loss of traditions (Thanksgiving), and on and on. I still feel like I’m losing important relationships too. It’s so hard. Teri reminded me they haven’t ended. They are just left where they are.

It’s interesting, as I read back through my Facebook post, it seems like there are a lot ending mentioned in the posts, including Twitter—at least the way Twitter was. But none of them are endings, really; they are portals to new beginnings. An opportunity to say yes and follow where that yes leads—even when it feels like it’s leading to a breaking point. Grace somehow tumbles out of the gore.

Never ending.

Here’s the Facebook post from this morning.

This morning I attended church with my friend Teri Colleen who lives in another state. Teri and I met through Twitter in 2017. We were able to meet in person, and the only time we have met in person, at the Alliance of Baptists conference in Washington DC in 2019. Thanks to Wilshire Baptist Church for sending me to this conference and to Rev. Dr. JCS for advocating for me to attend. Life-changing conference for both Teri and me.

Teri was early in her transition journey and was only free to be her truest self at this conference at that time. Thank you Alliance of Baptists for being a safe and brave place for people as they begin their journey of discovery about themselves. I got to meet the real Teri yearning to come out and be free, and Teri met Lindsay doing the same thing—just differently. Teri told me that my advocacy through Twitter for the LGBTQ community and peoples literally saved her life. She was hating herself for who she really was and had thoughts of not being here anymore. Y’all, this is serious. I am so grateful my advocacy made a life-changing impact. I cannot imagine living this life right now without my dearest friend. The things we do and say have the power to give life, and to take it away. Teri and Lindsay were able to choose life because of people who have advocated for us and helped us find our voice so we can live into the gift that is our life (words of Jonathan Martin this morning, who quite literally saved my spiritual life—also a friend I met through Twitter. More on that later).

This morning I woke up and called Teri. She and I talk periodically. She coached me all the way through seminary—she was a pastor for over 40 years—and now is journeying with me through this next stage of growth for both of us. Both of us are still experiencing the joys that come through growth, but also the real pains of it too—the kind of pain that even poetry cannot make beautiful. Jonathan Martin analogy again—out of the gore, grace tumbled(s) out. (Talking about Mary birthing).

What is funny is we had no idea we were preparing coffee at the same time while we were talking. Teri stopped our conversation to let me know that her joy has been refilled. Her joy will last until her coffee cools. This is funny because we were talking about how temporary joy can feel, especially when we thought we were getting somewhere only to be halted again.

Also funny, our coffees both cooled at the same time.

Teri:I am putting mine into the microwave, which I will call my joy maker.

Me: I am pouring more hot coffee from the pot into mine.

Teri: Oh, this is good. Sometimes we can refill our joy because there is a source (coffee pot) pouring back into us when we are depleted. There is an infusion of others. But sometimes that is not available and we need an intervention, the microwave.

This is why Teri and I have so much fun talking. Every little thing can be turned into a sermon that will take our conversation places we never would have gone had we not noticed what is around us joining our conversation too. Look at how our mugs even share encouragement with us!

Teri and I got to talking so long she missed her church service, so I took her to the The Table with me. Ironically, Jake Bruehl had a friend message him they are going to NorthHaven today because they have been reading my posts, watched the last three weeks online, and now want to experience this church in person and visit them in their current building for the final time. So Jake and I both brought friends to church today.

I love being a part of The Table and NorthHaven. Two churches in Oklahoma doing incredible work and not following the script we are seeing in way too many churches here. Jakob Topper, the pastor of NorthHaven, is also a part of my healing journey. He was at Wilshire when I showed up almost done with church back in 2017. All these connections are wild and making my post really long, but I just do not care today. Life is happening and I want to talk about it.

This was NorthHaven’s last meeting in the current building, but great things lie ahead. NorthHaven is still saying yes to life. Speaking of that…

This morning Teri was also being silly about the word yes. We were talking about saying yes long before we listened to Jonathan’s sermon.

Teri: You cannot testify until you ‘yesify’.

She thought she was being funny and a bit heretical when she said that, but I wrote it down because I knew there was wisdom—and Jonathan preached it this morning! And NorthHaven is living it.

Jonathan: (Talking about Mary’s yes) When you say yes, can you see Mary smiling? Are you willing to follow that yes wherever it may lead. Even to the point of breaking—breaking open or breaking down?

I think about how all these journeys I mentioned in this post have been hard: Lindsay, Teri, Jonathan, The Table, Wilshire, NorthHaven—but new life has tumbled and is still tumbling out of these vessels.

Today I took notes again. Lots of them. Oh, they are scribbled and only makes sense to me, but they are from me. This is what I love to do. And look at the paper I used, it was the first notebook I found, to start writing, dreaming, and creating again.

Today’s message is inspired by the “We Can Do Hard Things” podcast episode with Dr. Galit Atlas—Family Estrangement: Should you Repair or Run?

Galit Atlas is an internationally known psychoanalyst. Her work on emotional inheritance explores ways our ancestors’ experiences shape our lives.

This episode was more hopeful than you might expect reading the title and seeing how our relationships are ending left and right all around us. Dr. Atlas addresses this problem.

It is not good for our mental health to end a relationship with a parent unless it is absolutely necessary. There is no place for abuse or having to remain in a relationship with someone who refuses to do any healing work. They, the pod squad, hold space for this reality. It is not how the world should be. We all long for a good parent. In my mind, I am thinking bigger than just our individual parents; I am thinking also about the younger generation in our culture right now that have been robbed of their village elders. Fox News has a lot to do with that, but also religion that prevents people from growing up. I still cling to hope and will do the work to help heal and repair this travesty. As long as there is breath, there is hope.

With that said, here are some things she said that encourages keeping the relationship, not running from it:

1) Our mental health does not thrive in relationships ending. If they can be saved, it would be beneficial to our mental health to save them. But we need to know how to do the repair work, or how to communicate what hurts, so this can happen.

2) This point is extremely important on so many levels, and I will apply it to another issue on my mind in another post:
———-When we are in relationship, we are only going to get things right about 30% of the time; 70% of the time will be spent repairing! But that is good news, because the repair work is where connection happens. This means being 100% in alignment is not good for our mental health either! Get familiar with the 30/70 rule.

3) We cannot repair when our sense of ”goodness” cannot be challenged. This is especially hard for a certain generation—our parents. This challenges their identity and what they were taught. They are right, mostly, when they say they did not have the tools to become conscious of emotional intelligence. That is true, but when they keep that as an excuse to not do the work now, a blockage happens and that is where we separate. Listen to what the Dr. Atlas says here:
——Intention is not what is most important in reparation. We have to tolerate our own sense of badness: “I hurt you. Tell me more about why I did.” Open dialogue with the ability to receive and face our own ”badness” is essential to the work of repair.

The biggest thing I think needs to be stated is we are all going to get it wrong, a lot. That does not make us bad people or abusers. Yes, we will at times cause harm and we will need to face it and repair it, but when we do that actually creates a deeper connection with the person. Even more than if we never made a mistake at all—the only way that will happen is if we stay completely out of a relationship.

Okay, I know this post is long, and I am grateful for those who are still reading. One thing I had to work hard on during my internship is how to apply this kind of realization theologically. How does my faith also tell this same story? So I am going to do that now with Jesus as the one doing the repair work! You heard me correctly.

Take a look at Matthew 15, or Mark 7, but I am focusing on Matthew 15. I am not sure if you are aware the gospels do not all share the same stories, and the ones they do are not told exactly the same way. This means accuracy is not what scripture is aiming for; it is aiming for the deeper truth the audience receiving the message at the time needs. Something to think about. Scripture is way deeper and more complex than we have made it culturally.

Matthew 15–The Canaanite Woman’s Faith (Pay attention to this title. This title is a good one, actually).

Jesus is leaving a place he had just been to go to the district of Tyre and Sidon. A Canaanite (this is important) woman comes to him wanting help because her daughter is being tormented by a demon. The fact she is Canaanite is what causes Jesus to not answer her initially. At this time Jesus’ message is for the Jewish people only, but this is a moment in Matthew’s gospel where this is going to change. His message is going to expand, not become more narrow.

The disciples want him to send her away because she is so annoying and keeps shouting at them. (Annoying is inserted by me, but come on read between the lines here). Jesus does not send her away, but he is not exactly kind either. He tells her he came only for the ”lost sheep of the house of Israel” (v. 24) But she continues asking for his help anyway, and Jesus says this: “It is not fair to take the children’s food and throw it to the dogs (v. 26). Her response: “Yes, Lord, yet even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters’ table” (v. 27).

You know what Jesus does in this moment? ——It is not: become defensive, blame the way he was raised or what he had been taught, ignore her, etc.

JESUS LISTENS AND HEARS HER! Jesus receives what she has to say and responds making it about her, NOT HIM!

“Woman, great is your faith!” (28) And her daughter was healed.

Jesus learned and recognized he did not treat an outsider well. He was kind of an ass, actually. A lot of Christians struggle with this interpretation, because for whatever reason we need Jesus to be perfect. I do not. I relate more knowing he had things to learn to and sometimes made mistakes that were probably hurtful. God relates to us, even in our mistakes. That is powerful to me.

What Jesus shows me here is that you do not need to beat yourself up for what you did not know. Or, maybe you did know on some level but were not conscious of how you are influenced by it too. It came out in your language and you would not have recognized it until an outsider revealed it to you. I like being able to identify with God even in my “badness”. Being able to identify this opens me up to receiving the gift of being able to course correct and experience healing for myself and others.

We follow a God who empowers the people. Anyone who comes seeking and believing—and God is willing to rethink. That is amazing to me.

This picture by the Naked Pastor came to mind for me when reading this passage.

I am working on our family’s yearly calendar right now. I am a little late, but time is just a construct, amirite?! No need for the calendar to be here before the first of the year. We all got this. 😉 Might as well be late delivering the thing we keep laughing about me struggling with—the calendar! #calendarchallenged #evenwhenresting

Y’all, what a year this has been. If you have been following my journey, you know we took a major blow this year—multiple of them—ALL IN A ROW! But you might also know we came out the other side of it alive. I wish I could say unscathed, but I can say undefeated. Shadrach, Meshach, Abednego story comes to mind. We are a resilient family. You can see our wounds, but you can also see that our love and compassion has only increased, not decreased. Love is the strongest force in the universe.

In our calendar, I just completed adding pics during the roughest season in our family’s life. I thought when I got to Wilshire in 2017 my family had weathered the worst storm. That was the first test, apparently. I will tell you why I am using the word test in a minute. But what I am seeing adding pics during that horrible, no good, rotten season, there were still lots of good moments worth remembering and adding to the calendar. Joy/Love never abandoned us, even then.

Abandoned. This is a word that comes up a lot with me. It is widely known in the enneagram world that 4s are the ones that struggle with the fear of being abandoned. I am not sure we are the only ones that fear abandonment; actually, I know that is not true. But 4s do give language for it. Never underestimate the power of belonging, for anyone.

When I showed up at Wilshire in 2017, I was experiencing deep grief of a different kind of abandonment that I have written about for years and worked to heal from in seminary, only to end seminary with another major storm that was leaving us abandoned again! Even stronger and more severe this time.

Let me back up a minute. Right before that storm, I had gone to the Meadows Museum with my Pastoral Care class to look at the art that was on display at that time. The theme was “The Prodigal Son,” and the exhibits were amazing. But the thing that drew me in that I identified with the most were the simple metal plates with words like: abandoned, unknown, invisible, etc…Those spoke to me, and my whole class had guessed that is what I would say spoke to me. Apparently, I am known! LOL! (Laura Watson Byrd, remember this?).

Shortly after this trip to the museum, a storm came that fulfilled every fear I was experiencing (and more) and gave me something to really fear. I will never be over what happened, and I still cannot figure out how or why it happened because none of it makes sense. The system was screwing up and the more it screwed up, the crueler it became to us. And then the deaths—Angel, our dog; Roberta, Jake’s mom; and Kimberlyn’s best friend’s sister, Brooklyn Moran. It was so much pain and tragedy, my heart could barely hold it all. But it did, and there is a reason why.

My family was literally abandoned by every system that is in place to keep us safe. But individual people did not abandoned us. It made me see we had built and ark, and it was not intentional. It was built naturally through friendship and having sowed the seed of good character in our community (different than reputation, even though, yes, good reputation too. But reputation comes and goes. Character is what is real). But what we also saw, and I cannot name one system when I say this, are multiple broken systems. Public school teachers are in real trouble because of this, as are so many of us who are trying to do the right thing. That is not what the system cares about, really.

Back to the test I mentioned earlier. I believe in a way we were tested. It was not orchestrated by God, but by our broken systems. Trying to live in a system that no longer recognizes love, and even mistrusts it, what happened was going to happen. Jonathan Martin talks about that in ”The Road Away from God.” When Jesus said this must happen, his death, he did not mean to satisfy God. It meant it had to happen because a system set up as it was is going to kill a person living as he was living—with love. Love is the strongest force in the universe, as I said earlier. It even scares the “good guys” with a gun.

Our first test was trying to decide if God was enough for us now that everything we once believed has crumbled: soccer and faith world. Can we trust God, alone?

I was sent to seminary to decide.

Second test addresses my abandonment issues: can I learn to not abandon myself? If I can learn to do that, it does not matter if people will abandon you. Because they will. It happened to Jesus too. What happens when I experience the scariest abandonment I have ever known and survive. Can I learn to not abandon myself in this moment? And even learn to trust myself, no matter what others may say….

Y’all, this season of rest has been healing and rejuvenating on many levels. I love writing for fun and keeping up with my bookkeeping job in a way I could not do the last three years. I was busy with school and two other jobs–and having a family and wanting Lindsay time. Without reflection time, I will crash. And I did, many, many times during that season.

It is life-giving to feel this calm in my body now. Resting, breathing, and not trying to prove myself to anyone. I have been tested and it revealed the work I am doing is working. I can regulate even when challenged. Also, I am not resting so I can go back and be more productive. This time new and improved. As emphasized in the book “Rest is Resistance,” I am resting because it is my divine right. And it is yours too.

I also love being available and spontaneous, like I was able to be this week with Alyssa and doing yoga in the park. There is something to not being so damn scheduled all the time. I am less afraid to look at my calendar now, even though I still suck with the calendar. I found out my friend Megan struggles too. She told me there is an actual name for it: Calendar Challenged 😂 There you go. It is a thing. But it is less of a thing now that I am not so overwhelmed all the dang time.

Sometimes I look back and wish I could have done school and the jobs I had one at a time so I could have savored each one. I loved every single thing I did a whole lot–especially school. Seminary was my favorite place on earth that was just for me. But y’all, I would not change anything either. My life is better for the relationships formed by each thing I did, and I am just so grateful anyway.

Part of the reason I wish I had not been so busy is often my emotions were not in check and I really could not help it. What I was doing was too much, and my body is not a machine. I was also healing from trauma (a different trauma from the one now!)–past and present–at the time too. Y’all, I was a warrior, and I am going to name that. I believe God intentionally delivered me to this rest because that was way, way too much. A storm ended up hitting our family at the end of it all too. We were ripe for it because both Jake and I were way overextended in that season. We were easy targets–except we weren’t!

Y’all, that storm was not prepared for me! LOL! I was like “hold up, you (I won’t say the word here), I have been healing and learning things about what it means to be human and divine. You do not get to lie about me or my family.”

I am proud of myself, but I am also tired of having to fight. I was not born a renegade as the artist Pink says in her song “All I Know So Far.”

This is also why I write. What I am saying is important. And when I do get back to working with people again, and I will, I want to be somewhere I can be human. Free to be me and to make mistakes. I am going to write about that in my next post.

My therapist and I talked about what could have been in place in our systems that might have prevented the stupidity of what happened. As I came up with ideas, my therapist said this: Even mental-health professionals are not all trauma-informed. What appears to be happening is people are not doing their jobs well because they have no idea what is going on.

Me: We need systems that allow people to be human.
Therapist: Oh, I like that thought.

We can manage our reactions better when we get to be human.

Something that has been in the air for a while, and particularly this week, is repentance. Apologies, to be more specific.

Forgive me (He he, I am using repentance language) this is going to be a bit long because I want to make a connection that is not often made. I hope this makes sense. If not, it does to me and this is my journal as much as it is an offering of my heart to my community. Someday I hope to get paid for this work. I spend hours on this.

Let me begin:

2016 threw me for a loop when a large amount of Christians thought it was fine when Trump said he had never repented or asked for forgiveness. Repentance is foundational to our faith. How was that acceptable to anyone? It baffled me, and I had not even started my deconstruction journey yet. That was probably the beginning of it for me—that and Two Corinthians. But I have since learned Christians suck at apologies and repenting. It all makes sense now. It is time we address this.

The reason why I am writing about apologies is for a couple of reasons. One is Christians who believe they always have to be right or know everything are the ones who will not apologize. They would rather lose a relationship than admit fault. I heard another person say it is also a way to avoid admitting they were ignorant about something. The Daily Oklahoman when talking about the botched investigation with Richard Glossip that ultimately led our state to kill him, wrote this as a title: “Oklahoma would rather kill than admit wrongdoing.”

It is deadly when we cannot admit we are wrong, friends. It costs us valuable and meaningful relationships too. It does not have to be this way.

A meme was posted by Word Porn this week that said: Some people are not speaking to you because they owe you an apology.

That struck me as something I need to write about, because it is true. I want to talk about that scripturally.

That post made me pause and think about the spiritual silencing that happens in scripture; for example, Zechariah in Luke 1. Zechariah was silenced by an angel when he questioned the messenger on the trustworthiness of their message (he did not understand it and was not curious)—he cited being old as an excuse to believe this change could happen. I am finding this more interesting now since making the connection of how hard it is to get adults to change. Zechariah’s location in the sanctuary of the Lord performing a ritual is also revealing. We often do not see the change that needs to happen when we are in the very place where we say we believe God. Over familiarity with location and rituals can cause us to not be familiar with them at all!

At first glance, for me at least, it seems like the messenger/angel is being harsh. I mean, it was an absurd message. But then as I meditate on it more and look at what is happening in our world today, the story seems to be telling a deeper truth than meets the eye. Here is someone with a priestly history, and his wife too, and both lived righteously and blamelessly before God. But when a messenger from God shows up, Zechariah’s first instinct is not to trust them.

The silencing was not due to sin, mind you; it was lack of trust. I am going to talk about sin in another post sometime. Zechariah had to repent for the lack of trust that caused him not to believe God’s messenger. He was caught up in the old ways that were keeping him from receiving a new message; a message bringing good news for change.

Lack of trust is what is hurting our humanity and causing our systems to fail. The inability to be wrong, and wrong about people. Our systems are set up to be suspicious of people immediately. Especially if they are out of the ordinary with a message that seems far-out. I caught something new meditating on this passage this morning: Zechariah is not trusting a person who trusts themself! This messenger was confident saying: I am Gabriel. I stand in the presence of God, and I have been sent to speak to you and to bring you this good news (1:19)

What I hear now when I read this passage is someone who knows who they are. When he says “I am Gabriel” that is powerful. He gave himself a name. This angel knows who they are and that they can be trusted. He trusts himself, and so does God.

Juxtapose Zechariah’s story with Mary’s. Her story follows immediately after. Her location is not in the House of the Lord where the angel finds her. Her response is different than Zechariah’s. She asks “how this is possible?”; not “how can I know that this will happen?.” She was not asking for proof, but asking the how this is going to work. She wants to know her part to make this happen, especially being a virgin (which, by the way, does not mean what we think it means, but that is a sermon for another day too).

Mary’s willingness to trust led her to birth Jesus. God trusted a human body, a woman’s body, to hold the divine and usher in a new order.

Zechariah was silenced, but that silence allowed him to see and hear in a new way, so he can participate in the new life that God was fulfilling too.

I can’t help but think the silence happening when there is no apology is a spiritual silence. God is asking for trust. People are asking for trust.

Long story to say that accountability leads to trust. Repentance leads to trust.

I watched Selena Gomez’s documentary “My Mind & Me” on Saturday. I was going to watch a mindless Christmas show, but this caught my attention because I have been hearing whispers that she is a mental health advocate and has mental health struggles herself.

Wow! I am so glad I watched this. About twenty minutes in, it caught Jake’s attention too and he watched it with me.

Selena is a child prodigy. She began her career on Barney, which was fun, but as she grew she fell in love with work more and more—as a kid! She went on to do several things, most notably in acting “Wizards of Waverly Place.” And she became a huge musical star. She eventually lost herself in the fame. She was breaking down and crying a lot wondering when she was ever going to be enough on her own.

While the fame may not sound familiar to many of us—and it is easy to forget she is human because she is famous—but does the overworking and feeling like it is never enough sound familiar? And the worst enemy might actually be ourselves?

This intensity of work and making children workhorses will eventually catch up, and it did for her—and so many other Disney stars who are now speaking up. As a gymnast, I am seeing it in gymnastics too, including myself. Little girls being pushed so hard and so young. Selena had a major mental health break—publicly. She had to stop for a while. She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, in addition to her lupus. She also had a kidney transplant due to her lupus.

In all this, Selena is finding her path to healing through connection. So am I. All these challenges and trials are leading her to connect with people she never probably would have before. She hears them and goes to them.

Here is why I am writing this post. Selena said something that I have been saying I want to do ever since I got to Norman. She wants some kind of bill passed to get emotional intelligence education in our schools! This is what I have been saying too and I thought it was just a pipe dream. Now someone with a platform, who also understands this is going to have to start with children, is saying it and has already gone to the White House this year to talk with Biden about it!

God is showing me what I need to see and hear. I know I am being led somewhere with the incredible gifts God has given me. I have learned I am enough as I am, and there is no more beautiful gift than that. I want to share and help heal, as Selena does as well. And God will use me in God’s timing. She did not give me these gifts with some experation date on them. That is capitalism speaking.

Selena was talking to a mental health professional in the documentary about how important it is to teach people to connect with their emotions and to learn how to process and understand them. Emotions are information.They make us human. The mental health professional agrees and said this: when we ask people to disassociate from themselves for some norm that does not exist, it is leaving people without any ability to feel or have empathy for others.

Mr. Rogers tried to leave public television for a bit to work with adults on this, but found it was too late. He wanted to know why some people can take one trial after another and keep getting back up, and some cannot—not even a few trials. Their God (love) had become too small and they would not respond. He returned to children.

Here is where I am: I am ready to do whatever needs to be done with whatever age I am called to work with. Children seems likely, but I have talked to several school teachers who expressed they want this for themselves too.

Tricia Hersey in her book “Rest is Resistance” is naming academia as one of the main sites for grind culture: “Grind culture is violence and violence creates trauma” Here is a longer passage of what she is saying about academia.

“The stress, anxiety, overloaded curriculum, and pressure we normalize in public schools and higher education are toxic and dangerous for everyone involved, but particularly for young children and young adults who are still developing a sense of self. They are exposed to the lie that their worth is determined by how much they can accomplish constantly and it’s reaffirmed and rewarded when they push their bodies to the limit to do well in classes….
We internalized the toxic messages received from culture and begin to hate ourselves unless we are accomplishing a task. We seek external validation from a violent system void of love.”

I will leave you with some lyrics from Selena Gomez’s song “My Mind & Me”:

I posted this tweet by Adam Grant in my stories on Monday.

We, as a society, are talking a lot about gratitude because November just happened. While I am one who has found healing through gratitude, I had to alllow myself the other feelings that weren’t so grateful to exist to get there. When we suppress feelings that are not pleasant, they come out in other ways: Triggers, yelling, withdrawing our love from one another, etc.

Author-Therapist Dr. Aundi Kolber says this:

Emotional suppression is not the same thing as authentic resilience.

But there are things we can do to help each other. In our churches we often talk about giving our thanks to God, no matter what. Even when life has given you nothing but grief.

We are really hard on Israel in scripture because they did not always do that. I find it fascinating how we scold Israel but never God. I say this as someone who deeply believes in God and loves I can have a real relationship with God like Israel did. That means I’m safe to come with all the intense emotions without fear of abandonment.

God doesn’t need our defense; people do.

The way we are treating each other is making us physically and mentally ill. It affects our bodies. Whether it’s emotional abuse or not taking the vaccine and spreading conspiracy theories about them, or whatever else we are doing that is anything but love. Love is responsibility.

What if we gave this gratitude that we give to God without question to each other too.

Can you imagine the difference that would make? To be seen and known by each other. To be safe no matter where we are mentally or physically. To know someone is staying in the room and not leaving until you are ready to get back up—like elephants do for each other.

I think it’s time to take some of the things we’ve disciplined ourselves to do for God; although, I think we could work more on questioning God too. God can handle it. People could too if we knew we were safe and loved no matter what.

This is how we heal.

It is so good to talk to someone who can hear you right away. Someone you do not have to explain yourself to because they can hear deeper than the surface, and it is because they have been there.

Today a friend came up to Jake and me to see how we are doing since we have moved. He asked if there had been a crisis of faith yet after being somewhere so long and our identities had been built there in a lot of ways. This is where Jake and I are having slightly different experiences, but at the same time finding deeper gratitude than we ever could before because of what we have been through. A trauma therapist told me not to give trauma any credit for this healing. We are choosing to heal. Trauma does not deserve any credit because it is the reason we are having to choose to heal. We are doing the work, not the trauma. But, I have learned through reading lots of spiritual books and through seminary, for whatever reason, suffering seems to be a part of the journey. It comes to you at some point no matter what. The book of Revelation makes more sense when you realize this. It is not a matter of if the trauma is coming, it is when. Have your faith in place before it comes because it is going to rock your world. Persevere anyway.

Revelation is also an anti-imperialist apocalyptic letter. The United States would not find itself on the friendly receiving end of that letter if we existed then, but that is another convo for another day.

I am having a slightly harder time than Jake is, but it is not because I wish we could go back. I love it here so much. Every day I wake up and cannot believe I get to live in Norman again. I truly am loving it so much. What I am struggling with though is identity, and this friend named it. He appreciated my honesty—if I am anything, I am honest—and he shared his experience with me. He told me to call him any time. He told me this is a wilderness time and I do not have to walk it alone. How kind is that?

Jake had been pretty much invisible the last few years we were in Texas. He worked quietly behind the scenes asking for nothing in return for a long time. But he was beginning to notice how under-appreciated he was the last year before things just went horribly wrong. It was such a shock to the system how fast a system can turn on you when you have not been making any noise and someone decides to target you. We need smarter systems in place seeking to understand the problems we are facing. That was unbelievable, and everyone I have talked to within the system knows it. That is a call for change now kind of moment.

The last few years was when I was finally finding my own identity. I was no longer the quiet one. It was not easy by any means. There is a lot of unrealized pain that surfaces when you start realizing you have value after all and can be seen. But even in the newness of community, there is still so much mistrust. I am not resentful of it anymore. I get it. I had to learn to trust too. When our systems are strong, people will thrive. I was able to thrive because I found places that believed in me. So I was blooming and Jake was getting torn down.

We should be more critical of our systems instead of people. We are breaking people. People cannot bear the weight of a toxic system. I can bear witness to the power of a community that believes in you and does not assume you might be the worst possible version of a human being. We work together to course correct and learn from one another. Reciprocity is the only way for a system to be healthy.

I think this is why going home has been so important for both of us. To go back to our roots and see the people who have always known us. Who never once questioned if we could be trusted or asks for anything from us to receive this abundant love we are now receiving without question.

I was talking to another friend who is also experiencing how invisible they are to a system that counts on their help for free and for no credit. They are learning to say no. It is so hard for them because they like helping, but they are seeing it is not helping things after all.

I think this wilderness time for me is really important. It is part of the training, I would venture to say. Martin Luther King Jr. said we will remember the silence of friends, not the noise of our enemies. Mr. Rogers says in a crisis to look for the helpers.

In my reading of “Rest is Resistance,” maybe I can take the wisdom from both of these men and the wisdom of this book and ask this:

What are we going to do when the helpers go silent? When the only sound one will hear is “no” until there is change.

While we were driving to Kansas, Jake told me something that made me realize the work I do is important.

Jake had a friend come up to him recently and ask if they could talk to him about something other than soccer. Jake said of course.

Person: I’m glad we are Facebook friends bc I love reading your wife’s posts. I want to know more about this inclusive church she’s writing about in our community.

Y’all, I woke up this morning feeling such goodness from that story. I am starting to see by taking this time to rest what it is I do.

I fear systems bc I have been burned by them—more than once and for very different reasons. Neither of these situations were by the church, to be clear. Church has been that place for many many other people, though. I just happen to keep finding churches that help me strengthen my voice so I can speak to these situations whether it’s church causing harm or a different institution. We need to be aware of any and all systems we participate in—be institutionally self-reflective.

I fear institutions, but I also know we need them. Please hear this all this who believe all government institutions are evil. They are not. Any institution can be corrupt. Fearing only one without seeing how that same principality can play out in another institution keeps that same corruption alive—it just moved institutions.

I fear institutions, but fear isn’t always bad y‘all. There’s healthy fear like not running out into a street when cars are coming. There’s also the fear that’s the beginning of wisdom. Proverbs 9:10.

I know the power institutions have to both give and take away life. I see the people in the systems and raise awareness to help institutions keep their heart beating. I’m a heart-centered person after all. I could see Esther even when Israel’s story of salvation was being celebrated. That came at a real cost to someone. She’s a person.

I was reflecting on these two posts yesterday thinking about how we throw people away for the sake of the overall institution. The harm that has been caused by Aristotle’s idea that “the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.” While I agree we do more together, I also know there is no whole without its parts.

We shouldn’t pit them against each other. We need both. There is no whole without its parts. We can’t love a people if we don’t love a person. We can’t love a person if we don’t love ourself. All of this is part of the whole.