Heartbreak

shutterstock_1022245885.jpgI have tried to write another blog post over and over. Words keep failing me even though I have a thousand thoughts I want to write down, but I can’t seem to type anything of substance. The past two posts (Why Can’t We Be Friends? 2000 Baptist Faith and Message Statement) have taken so much out of me, and I haven’t had anything more to give – other than Facebook posts or tweets. I think I am now on empty.

The SBC continues on without remorse. Oh, words of anger might be said, but the actual heartbreak isn ‘t happening-and doesn’t appear to be happening anytime soon. The lack of feelings from everyone hurts me the most. The BFM 2000 brought to light what the actual problem is, and I have been a mad woman trying to share it with anyone who will read it. I got get Pete Enns to read it! And he commented that I did a great job- and I am doing exactly what needs to be done. That is huge! Pete is a big deal to me. “The Bible Tells Me So” is a book that drastically changed my outlook on life. Turned night to day. God is good all the time. And that phrase doesn’t feel like a cliche now. I believe those words. I bought ten of his books (I had no money to do this), and I passed them out to anyone who would read them. It was life or death for me.

Marlena Proper Deida Ramos Graves, a Latina Professor, author and missionary to Am. Church also reached out to me. She told me that she saw me. She said God sees me. She said maybe I needed to know God saw me by her letting me know she sees me. This gave me fuel I desperately needed. She is a beautiful soul you need to know. Tender, kind, honest and full of all the love in the world. I am grateful to know her on Twitter. She told me to keep speaking. It may take years, but shunned voices are heard eventually. She has seen voices that seemed to be winning fall unexpectedly.

I have shared the BFM 2000 blog post I wrote over and over with so many people. This is not something I normally do. It was scary for me to do, actually. David Dark, an author – professor- and justice-fighter, taught me persistence. When you see something as a gospel issue, then don’t stop until they listen. It is a gospel issue to me, because we are trying to argue faithfully as christians with an organization claiming christianity and do not have Jesus as their lens for scripture (hermeneutics). Jesus is the whole point of the gospels for crying out loud. I am listening to people say the SBC situation seems demonic – it is. It is the highjacking of a faith organization for power. Getting people to listen is really hard. We have to adjust our approach.

I don’t know what needs to be done knowing this, but I know trying to argue Jesus is failing. All they can say is Paul and Timothy’s names. No amount of pain or abuse is working either. They are still making sure women can’t preach. Even the ones kind of fighting for women’s voices are doing so because Beth Moore is a big name. I doubt they would be moved otherwise. I want them to prove me wrong. But even with Beth, their arguments fall flat. Not bold enough. They are still treating us like children needing their approval to preach. I am over it.

Al Mohler said he never thought he’d see the day outside forces would go after them on complementarianism.  Well, Al, I never thought I would see the day I would have to fight my own faith for my right to exist fully in the faith community-and that my pain matters. I am still grappling with this. (Thank God for Wilshire Baptist Church). Here is another thing, Al, my freedom came by accident. I left where I was because I could see exclusion of anyone was demonic. Turns out I wasn’t free either. I could not see. I was so overtaken by the narrative, and could not feel the oppression-until I fell apart. I had to ask someone what was wrong with me when I could not feel ok anymore. I could not insert myself back in either world I was in previously – soccer or church. I felt weird all the time. A former pastor told me I was grieving. I had no idea what that was.

I pray the SBC falls apart. Not out of revenge, or any malicious feeling – but because I want the SBC to find love. Love is at the bottom. Go through the pain. Stop trying to fight your way through something that is dying. Sackcloth is needed right now. We don’t need warriors fighting through this terror. We need tears and prayers. I don’t know what else to say. I am going to weep for the SBC, I guess.

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