There are so many ways to describe who God is. I love that because it keeps us from losing our sense of wonder about who God is. One attribute of God I discovered early in my life is God likes to play.
When I was a child and played outside a lot while deep in my own imagination (did not know I was an enneagram 4 then), God came to play with me often. I did not have any siblings, so God filled in. Sometimes I would even sit in the back of my car with my arm around God. When I was mad, I would walk around the block crying and talking to God out loud. Sometimes people caught me and then I would get embarrassed and stop. This is the kind of relationship I had with God on my own; this is not the relationship I had with God when I was with my church community growing up.
I learned as a child that women could not preach. A lot of us know the reasons why churches went with that message; we were raised in this environment. I do not know how I had that personal relationship with God that was so playful and then experience this domineering God when I was in church. None of it makes sense and I am no longer trying to make it make sense. Look at what is happening around us right now, clearly logic is not what is running the show. But what I do want to do is have us sit with the fact we are telling children that women cannot do things that men can do in the kin-dom of God. Children are internalizing this and believing it and now we see the nasty results of this theology. It has done horrendous spiritual damage. It will not be healed in my lifetime, but I do believe healing is happening and God is asking me to share with you the God I knew as a child. I am experiencing this God again. God wants us to play. All of us.
When I began seminary, I was not sure about the whole thing. Had I not had my Trio (George, Jaime and Andy), I probably would not have been able to stay. Also, the grace from the professors I have been so blessed to have, and the ability to do a directed study when one class was taking me back to a world I can no longer live in. I had no idea how much spiritual trauma I was carrying from so many years of theology that denigrated women, silenced women, and ignored the experiences of women in scripture. All of that is playing out in our public life right now. Not enough people are connecting the dots that what we believe spiritually, we live physically.
Now I am in my third year of seminary and having the best time. I am getting to participate and play and it is so much fun. My confidence is growing and things are falling into place, but I have had a setback. Just one person can throw everything off track. It is actually not the person who is talking over me and belittling my existence who is throwing me off course, it is the silence of the crowd. I have thoughts and beliefs that are healing wounds that I did not think could be healed by staying in my own faith tradition. But I have been taught not to trust myself and to stay small and hidden, so when someone comes in and talks right over me, it causes me to doubt myself. And the crowd while annoyed with him, does not understand the damage that is being done to someone who has worked really hard to learn to trust herself and her own brain that is smart. Am I up for this?
Some of my work is not doing as well as it was in the beginning. I had a really strong start and now I am crawling trying to get to the finish line of this semester. I am tired. But I had this moment today that reminded me I am up for this. Today I did my Advent reading that will air December 16, so I will not say too much. I cannot believe the passage I got to read and I do not know if it was intentional or a Holy Spirit move. The passage I read reminded me about the faith of women who said yes to God. And they had to believe God on faith alone, not sight. That faith brought joy to the women. My faith brings me joy. My faith exists because a woman said yes to God.
I have learned to play again. The God I played with as a child is coming back to me now. God played with me in the chapel that I wanted to stay in all day today. I have always loved church when I could play in it. Oh, my play is also hard work, but it is work I love. It sets me on fire and makes me believe like Mary that the word of God spoken to her will be fulfilled. She is blessed because she trusted her deep knowing.
One last thing: I told my pastoral care professor that I am struggling mentally right now. After class she received my tears. I have never had a woman pastor receive my tears and hear me the way I was heard in this moment. What a holy moment. I am up for this. It is time to tell the story correctly. God trusted a woman with God’s life.
I love this picture. I want to preach in a church like this. I love sharing the Word. Look at the colors from the window reflecting on me and the Bible. Feeling the light on my face as I read was so holy. I want to be ordained as the Chaos Coordinator
I am reading Rachel Held Evans final book right now WholeheartedFaith. I am taking it slowly and pleading in my heart for it to never end. I have read the Prologue three times. I have not even gotten to Chapter 1. I am finally getting to where I can get through it without tears, but it is more than pacing myself and tears that is causing me to read the Prologue over and over. She is saying some really important things that have been on my heart and mind ever since it all fell apart for me. “It” meaning faith as I once knew it.
We have been giving our Why as to why we give to our church, Wilshire Baptist Church, these past three weeks. Y’all, I almost gave up on giving to church, and for good reason. Not Wilshire, of course, but let me get there. It is because the church as whole has not been good news for women. Not anywhere—not just in the West. But I will say that the Protestant church devaluing Mother Mary so much to not compete with Jesus’ glory did even greater damage to women and to our theology of humanity than what was already being done. God said creation was good, including humans. Male and Female are both created in the image of God. And not knowing Proverbs 8 as much as we know Genesis 1-3 is a huge misstep. Real lives have been affected by bad theology. Women are always victims to this sin.
Rachel brought up how weird it is that she never heard a woman preach until she was in her twenties when our faith literally hinges on the testimony of women. I was thirty-seven (I am 44 now, this is still new to me) before I heard a woman preach. All of us can give examples of how we came to our faith because of women, but rarely will we hear it is because we heard a woman preach. Why are we continuing to perpetuate this false story to children about women in our churches just because we have told it a certain way for two thousand years? There are churches that know they are wrong about women but are not doing anything about it because of money and tradition. Why should women give to churches when our humanity is treated like this? This is a question the church at large needs to answer.
Thankfully, I found Wilshire. I love this church with all of my heart. And I am loved back. There are people who are unsure about me, I am not living immune from critique and suspicion here, but I am being given the space to ask these questions—and to teach and PREACH. How I went from resisting seminary to agreeing to it as long as I do not have to preach to I AM GOING TO PREACH is the wildest story of my life. And none of this would have happened if a church had not believed in me even when I did not believe in myself (and maybe a bit unsure about church too), or gave up on me when my wounds started showing. This is my Why for giving to Wilshire and for staying in the faith tradition of my youth. It will be lived out differently than how I was taught, though. I am still honoring my former teaching because the teachers handed me Jesus, and I do believe in Jesus—and in all the women who believed and said yes first.
In church, we talk a lot about living by HIS example. I find it odd we never say to live by HER example. There are so many women who have said yes to life and no to empire in scripture and who have been overlooked intentionally. Even the women of scripture are still having to prove themselves. When the empire needs order, women’s freedom is the first thing sacrificed. Creating order is the given reason and we just have to accept it, they say. Unity, folks! And it still true today. When we were talking in class about having an interfaith discussion and creating unity, Christian women were explicitly told to stay quiet by the author we read. As if we are treated so well by our faith!!! But even if we were, that is systematic silencing. It is not order. It’s s hidden chaos and pain.
It is time for a deeper theology on how good it is to be human. How good it is to be a woman too. Rachel says we do not like to think of God needing anyone. This is so true. That is what got me hammered on Twitter not long ago when I was questioning if God needs the universe to exist. This was a great question brought up by a thoughtful person, and I got questioned quite harshly by progressive Christians who were making me feel like I was not a Christian if I believed any of what I was saying as possibilities. It was scary to me and made me realize how spiritually malnourished we are. The fact we cannot wonder about who God is and how God works because we have set doctrines telling us how to believe or we are not a Christian is really uninteresting. I am not playing that game anymore. I want a faith full of questions and a faith that is a lot more playful. We all need back on the playground to learn. Not just our children.
We are designed to need each other and we are created in the image of God. Why wouldn’t God be needy too? I think this is a great question that could inspire people to want to start searching for Sunday again.
God needed women to survival. Before Jesus fed us with the bread and the wine, the body and the blood, Jesus himself needed to be fed, by a woman. He needed a woman to say: “This is my body, given for you.”
I am sorry. She is a lot…These are words I heard the other day that sent me into another tailspin of grief. It was not about me but another situation where someone’s pain was met with judgment by those who should have been loving her and not making judgments about how she is carrying her pain. (FYI-I know pastors are not therapists. Pastors should help people find the resources they need when the help that is required needs more than what a pastor can give). It does not help I heard these words when I was already feeling raw from an experience in a class from the night before. “She is a lot.” This is something women hear a lot, and it is also why so many do not want to speak or take up any space. I am included in this number. I have tried to voice this in person in all the ways I know how but it is not being received in the way I would expect considering the state the church is in. And some of the feedback of what people believe I have said comes back unrecognizable to me. It is not what I said. It is an assumption based on how what I said makes the person feel. It re-traumatizes people when this happens. I thought maybe I was an ineffective communicator but Kirsten Powers, author and political analyst, said this has a name: “rhetorical framing.” So, for anyone who is listening and is curious, I want to share a few things that would help when having a conversation with someone who is carrying a lot of deep pain. Especially a woman.
Recently, I told my therapist that I think I am too much. I have experiences to share that I know are important that can help give insight into the difficult situation we are in, but I feel more like a nuisance than a healer. She responded to me with something she heard on Tik Tok. I love when great advice comes from Tik Tok. She said a woman was on the platform saying if I am too much, then find someone who is less. That made me laugh, and I think about that statement every time I am feeling like I am too much.
Here are a few things from my experience that would help me personally. I believe this will help others too:
First: please receive their story and know it is not about you. If it was, you would either know or you would not be hearing the story. You do not have to understand someone’s pain to believe they are experiencing it. When they give examples, listen. If some of it does not make sense or seems to be placing blame where it does not belong, ask more questions instead of giving your interpretation of what is being said. In all likelihood, that is not what they are trying to say. Clarification is what is needed, not an interpretation. If it does come down to an unfair assessment of a situation, then that can be dealt with later. First, receive the story. The person working through their pain will probably figure that out. I can bear witness.
Second: women are not treated well in society, and are especially not treated well in church. Our subordination is government and religiously sanctioned. Women are up against generations of a long-held “orthodoxy” tradition that has excluded women using a narrative about them that has them portrayed as the ones who lead men to sin. Also, a fierce belief in a patriarchal God. Our creeds do not help this situation. Women are also supposed to help men have self-control (even though they believe women lead men into sin) AND submit to the men who apparently do not have self-control. This is so abusive. Women are also picked apart for what they wear–it determines her value.
Using the Bible to exclude and harm people is why so many people are leaving the church as an institution.
Women’s stories are overlooked in scripture by design. When a woman almost has a story that flips the narrative we are living in right now, she either gets called a whore or she has no name; she is erased. I am so grateful for my New Testament professor who pushed me to look harder at the fact the woman who anointed Jesus in the gospel of Mark has no name. This question has led me to deeper insight as a budding theologian (not going to say feminist theologian, because that is a theologian) as my seminary journey has progressed. I look for everyone’s story that is on the margins now. Because of the unnamed woman and what she has taught me, I now have pictures of jars on my wall to remind me of her faith when she, too, had enough in a culture of death and exclusion. She broke that expensive jar on Jesus’ head and was met with ridicule by the crowd, but was met with the same generosity from Jesus that she had just given to him. She is supposed to be remembered every time the good news is proclaimed. Every time I write this I want to run laps. I even have an actual jar that broke when I was about to preach this sermon in July. But we do not remember her. She has no name. Without her name, we do not even remember what Jesus said or did.
Third: This is not going to be an extensive list, because I have work to do and I am feeling a lot better writing this out. Women are hanging on by a thread believing the institution of the church can work for their thriving. Being asked to compromise their sense of worth all the time for the sake of unity is literally destroying women and the witness of the church. Old ways are not going to go forward into the future that is to come. Jesus did not move slowly when calling on powers to change and care for those who are marginalized. This is why he was killed. But let’s also not forget the women. Without women there would be no Jesus. Women have consistently been the desired human response to God portrayed in scripture. The ones saying yes to life. Women can take us back to creation, the earth, which is in desperate need of our attention and care. Even science is revealing that empowering women will help heal the planet.
My question:
When can women be heard and there be consequences for our mistreatement? And to not be called too much or seen as overlooking others who are in the work with us? I spend a lot of time uplifting people doing the work. But the minute I protest, silence and judgment follows.
This is not simply a theological disagreement where we need to have a better conversation. This is a case of where our lives are in danger and the church does not see it as urgent enough to address and make the necessary changes because either it believes women are subordinate, or we are trying to stay open to all sides. It is in our public policies – bad theology about women. It is literally harming women physically as well as spiritually. Nothing is ever apolitical. Theology is life or death.
I have stayed in the faith because I found life in scripture. And I want to stay. Billy Porter said that when you become your truest self, the first thing they (power) will attempt to take from you is your spirituality. No one can take my spirituality away. I want to stay and help what I love so much, the church, heal and move forward. I hope I will be allowed to do so.
This week started on a high for me. I felt like I was in a groove and nothing was going to stop me come what may. Well, that was good until “come what may came.” Tuesday and Wednesday have both sought to tank my confidence again.
I really do not feel okay right now. I do not think many people do. I am looking at my shaken confidence as a problem instead of something deeper going on. I listened to Glennon on her podcast this morning. It is wild that every time I listen to this podcast the words are there speaking to what is going on inside of me. At sixteen, Glennon walked into her counselor’s office at school and said she can no longer live this way. She is not leaving until she gets the help she needs. That is bold, brave, and super aware at sixteen. I felt that way in 2016. (Maybe it is something about the number 16). In 2016, I decided to cry out until I got the help I needed. I had to make some changes (lots of them) but help is coming and healing is happening.
I am an extremely self-aware person. It is a strength, but it is also borne of deep pain. Sometimes it causes me to have too many boundaries. I protect my internal world with my life because I have been hurt over and over and I want to stay alive spiritually. A series of traumas, both past and recent, have left me with trust issues. I also have a voice in my head that is constantly talking to me in ways that like Glennon said, if anyone else talked to me this way I would think they needed help and are way too paranoid. But, like Glennon, this is the girl I live with every day. I have been able to calm her over the last year, but with upcoming sermons and knowing so much feedback and critique of my performances are coming, she is starting to speak louder (she is scared) and I am trying to calm her down again. I felt less alone hearing Glennon say she can be fine and then not be fine all of the sudden. It is the opposite of toxic positivity–it is the “nothing is tolerable” syndrome. I get this way about church a lot. Church and public life are currently dangerous for women–see Catholic Church, SBC, and the state of Texas (just to begin to see). Our views on women are playing out right now, children too, and we do not seem to be that important. I grieve we seem more concerned about our performance to God than our performance on tending to the wounds of women and children from this abusive rhetoric in our culture that is full of lies and downright cruelty. This is not all in my head. This is true.
Egos take over to justify all of this and blame the ones who mourn as being negative or unable to take criticism. Or, if one dares to become confident (women, this is especially true), motives are questioned. We are a nation/world that does not like women, even the ones who do like women. I know this sounds strange, it is a paradox, but our pain is not considered as we learn to rise–even in progressive spaces. We need that space for a bit before all the critique comes. Taking up space and being seen is not something that is comfortable, and most of the time feels wrong. Too many are not used to it in ways that are empowering for women. We are used to seeing women fight for their worth, not live into their worth. Even myself, I feel like I am bragging if I say I have done anything well. And when critique comes, I take it to the furthest extent possible in the negative way because deep down I feel like I do not belong. That is a deeply embedded message in me. I was supposed to be hidden. I believed this too. I was cancelled from rushing in college because I was such a bad performer. Then in soccer when I wanted some credit and did not get it, I knew that was the selfish side of me that wanted credit. I am not nearly as confident as I sound. I am just doing it anyway because I can no longer live the way things were. We are all the scared child in the lunchroom wondering where we should sit.
I want to share what is on my mind about preaching. I am finally confidently saying I want to do it. I say that, but actually doing it is another thing, especially confidently. I hate performing as noted above. But in truth, I do not know if I hate performing as much as I hate being judged for it. But that is what I am learning to see is not happening now. Being able to receive feedback, one has to feel safe. I dropped a class one semester and took a directed study of that course to finish, having a woman teach me calmed my anxiety and then I was open to learning. She challenged me and gave me feedback that felt empowering and not crushing.
This is not me being guarded or just needing to get over it. My anxiety knows the danger that is out there for women in the church world. Look at the #MeToo #ChurchToo Movement. Instead of the church repenting, it is either ignoring it or digging its heels in further that the subordination of women is not the problem. They say it is just a spiritual problem. The church has the perfect system to absorb this systemic sin that is not getting any better. And progressive spaces are not responding in ways that will make it safer for women in the long term either. Rethinking doctrines and how we speak about God is necessary to make the systemic changes we need to not only protect women, but to free women. Women want to be free, not protected. I posted a great video on Twitter about that truth.
I know I am facing all of this, and it is true–not made up in my mind–when I say I want to preach. This is far deeper than me worrying that I may not be that great of a preacher. I know I can do other things well if preaching is not it for me. I might like writing better. I have never been one who wants to be seen publicly. Even when I got married, it was not the marriage that scared me, being seen on the wedding day by the crowd was painfully scary to me. So this preaching idea is more than an ego thing; it is a “this might save my life thing.” I cannot live this way anymore. I will do anything to get the help that I need (we need), even preach.
Our performance-driven society is killing us spiritually because we have made humans the means instead of the ends itself. This is about the flourishing for all of creation. Rethink what performance means.
Pastoral Resident, Ashley Robinson, had me take this picture and look at it every day before I preached. I was to say: I belong here.
Since coming home from work on Thursday I’ve been tending to my spiritual health. I had a panic attack this week and sleep still isn’t great.
Something helpful I’ve read is a tweet saying depression days are sick days. I’ve never really thought about it like that. My trouble with sleep is part of the illness! So here’s what I’ve done 24+ hrs since being home to help heal—and it’s working:
1) I’ve gotten in my pool (thanks Luther!). It’s chillier now with rain but the 30 min each day has been helpful. 2 drinking more water 3) but—here is the most illuminating one of all to me—bc I never knew this was a problem—I haven’t listened to podcasts or watched Stephen Colbert or anything that gives me any more information at this moment. I’m already overloaded.
My friend and colleague told me it’s my 5 wing that is overwhelming me right now. Anticipating school and learning my internship is a lot. And I’m still listening to all the things in the world in addition to that. I also have a new travel schedule I’m not used to, and I’ve got to learn how to keep enough food in me when my travel time might be extra long. I don’t have to do this alone thanks to my friend, Robin. ❤️❄️.
I’m still waking up at 2:30 or 3 right now. But the last two mornings I’ve gone back to sleep trying a new thing. Right now even my calm app is stressing me out bc focusing on my breath is making me think too much and I really don’t want any noise, so, instead, I have been coming into our living room and appreciating the silence. It’s not a silence I normally get to experience and is different than the quiet of night. Gratitude always helps.
Friday morning I decided to put on a mindless show bc I really wanted to sleep and not think or focus or welcome my awakeness, bc it isn’t welcome. The stupid show worked. And it really was stupid. This 4 cannot handle it so I went to sleep to escape anymore stupidity. 😂. This morning, though, I came into the living room and soaked in the silence again but decided to try and lay my head down without a show. I grabbed my weighted blanket and let myself just listen to the unique morning silence. It worked! And i slept later than 5:30. Made it to 7!!! My mind is racing less already. I noticed this immediately by eliminating podcasts and shows that give a lot of information. I spent my Friday barely engaged in serious business. I also saw my spiritual advisor and she asked how I felt.
Me: I feel physically tired bc of the lack of sleep, but my mind feels at ease. That’s something.
I thought about working today bc I’d love to do what I can before school starts, but since my sleep is still off I’m going to keep tending to my healing. It’s still a sick day. This is part of the spiritual work.
My spiritual advisor also reminded me that my voice is important. Turning away from information is not being privileged. It’s keep my voice and body strong for the work ahead. She also told me I’m showing that part of spiritual work is receiving help too. ❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️. God with us. God gave us each other.
Friends, I am not proud of our government leaders very often. The GOP is just terrible. I am not super proud of Democrats either, but the Democrat Party has pockets of light shining through the cracks at times that give me hope a better day will come. One moment is the situation with Al Franken.
Today, Someone tweeted they were upset Al Franken had to resign over a joke while the GOP has all of their very serious sexual predators still in office…..
Okay, Lindsay, breathe.
Friends, women are not objects to keep overlooking when they are objectified and it does not seem serious to you. I am proud of this moment b/c it is a rare moment where we see a leader taking responsibility. Heaven forbid anyone takes any damn responsibility in this nation! Being held accountable is not persecution. Al Franken took responsibility and this can be his legacy now. He had an actual group holding him accountable and he accepted he needed to step down. This was redemption for him and a moment America got to witness leaders doing something really hard. Leaders who were actually serving the people they represent- women and everyone who has been a victim of assault. It is time to create a safer world for everybody. Franken was a decent leader, and it was a terrible time to lose him, but that is also what makes the decision even more powerful. Too many do not do what is right b/c it costs them. Winning is an idol in our culture.
This is a rare moment hearing our govt give voice to women. Our bodies matter. We are not here to be objectified, groped, catcalled, or anything else that is treating us as anything less than human. Women need to learn their worth too. Stop treating other women this way as well. women are some of the worst offenders. Internalized misogyny is a beast.
I wrote this post b/c I have a hard time feeling hopeful some days with our government. It is actually destroying us and that is not me being dramatic. I need to remember these moments to know it is there–the truth that women matter has been voiced by our govt in a moment that would have been easy to overlook, but they did not. We keep going the narrow way. (All of a sudden that has a whole new meaning for me–not who is going to heaven or not!!!!).
Look at all that is happening now. Winning has looked like stepping away: Meghan Markle, Simone Biles, Naomi Osaka, Al Franken (taking responsibility and stepping away–that is good news too).
Winning is not about being on top. It is being where love is. Where life happens.
A question came up on Twitter that I started out not interested in but I guess my spirit was interested, because I kept checking this thread to see if I could understand why this question was being asked. It finally named something I have been trying to say based on experience–not further education. This author/pastor said: I don’t understand how people who take the Bible seriously expect progress. This sounds a bit hopeless, but it is true. Individuals do not progress to become more good or rational over time. This is why scripture still reads us today.
Do not read this post and think I am saying: Thank God I am good. I am not. I have just seen something and experienced something that has changed me forever. I have known the church has been wrong about women for quite some time. My voice is not coming from a place of just realizing something new academically and I must talk about it. I have experienced the rotten fruit of complementarian theology, and I have experienced the liberation of egalitarian theology. Both are empowering my voice to speak in a moment that needs a voice of emotion, not just knowledge. This is not a put down to knowledge because I knew nothing when I went to seminary, and the education I am receiving is sharpening my voice and writing. I was ready for this education because my spirit was crying out for it. It is feeding me and making me feel alive. I was hungry for this education. Big fan of education and knowledge. Education is pro-life. Hear me clearly on this, please.
It is important to note, though, that my knowledge of the church being wrong about women is not what led me to leave. I stayed for several years knowing it was wrong and believing change would eventually come because individuals eventually progress and change, right? Once truth is revealed? My experience tells me no. 2016 revealed that is a big negative. I did not leave until I experienced how dangerous that incorrect theology was to the bodies of women and children. The apathy and disbelief about sexual assault did me in. And an ignorant and vile man being elected over a smart and well-informed woman while hearing too many friends’ cheer. This is not due to a bad education, although it is part of the problem, there is something in human nature that has always been terrible to women and children. This is why we cannot figure out when male over female theology began. It has been in the air long before the Bible came into existence. The Bible is not the first book written. So why am I expecting progress now for women knowing all of this? I don’t.
I think women can be liberated, though. Maybe I can expect material progress as we work towards a more just life together. Dorothy Day, a rare church mother I got to study in church history, says giving away materially is an important spiritual practice. The United States is a place of massive inequality. It is a choice, not a spiritual reality that we cannot do anything about because Jesus said “the poor you will always have with you.” Poor hermeneutics on that passage. Education and critical thinking matters. The reason women are held back is because equality will not allow men to be as rich as they want and hold all of the positions of power. Their influence will decrease in their minds. Experience has shown me influence increases the more voices we add to our theology, but until people learn to trust, the resistance will remain fierce. Learning women are human and important in the Bible is helpful and necessary work but it is likely not going to change people who are comfortable where they are, or scared to change a long-held narrative that gave them security for far too long. If they are wrong about one thing, what else could be wrong. This idea we cannot be wrong is literally killing our spirits. Church history and United States history, both.
This is why I fall under liberationist theology versus any other type of theology. I do not read the Bible to figure out what the rules are. I can love people and do what I know is right by my neighbor without it. Example, I would have gotten my vaccine with or without scripture. The spirit of scripture does tell me it is a pro-life act, by the way. I value my life and my friend’s lives without scripture. What scripture helps me do in this moment with the vaccine is learn to trust people who have done the work and are telling me it is safe. I trust science and people who know way more about it than me. Do I think scientists can err and be wrong about some things? Or change their minds when they know more? Yes. But I cannot live my life not trusting people because some people might be wrong or corrupt. I would never step in a church again if I lived by that theology. Scripture helps me learn to trust even though the world is not trustworthy and is not likely to ever be trustworthy. Trusting anyway is liberation.
I have been used and abused in my life. I see/hear/experience the judgements people make about people sharing their experiences, and the judgements cast doubt on the trustworthiness of the person. I do not care anymore. My faith tells me to tell the truth. The truth will set me free and anyone else who wants to join in and tell the truth. Jesus is the way the truth and the life. I do not see that as a winning statement over other religions or an religious-escapist statement to be made in the Christian faith that fails to be embodied. Jesus is saying, I believe, that going by the way of truth, which is what he did, it will cost you physically/materially, but your life will never be so full. You will be spiritually/mentally alive. And that is the life that cannot be taken from you. I am feeling this liberation as the women of the Olympics speak truth. Women, children, and BIPOC are saying that they are tired. It is time to tend to our mental health living in a world that has demanded our bodies be used for other’s gain and entertainment.
My liberation theology leads me to believe in a world that can learn to trust. Like Thomas, we often need to feel and see the wounds–including our own! Without trust there is no life. I will live learning how to trust more and more every day knowing I will get hurt again but I am a different person now. We can be trustworthy in an untrustworthy world. The world might not get better but we can still live fully and in a trustworthy manner. One of my sermons in my preaching class had that focus. I am proud of it.
Everything that is happening in gymnastics right now is clarifying so much for me and what happened. Let me tell you a true story. Kerri Strug, you may know her from the 1996 Olympics with the sheroic vault on a known injury after the first vault that clinched, without question, team gold. Turns out she did not even need to sacrifice herself for that gold, and I will get to that in a minute. It was full of drama and all the things everyone looks for in a dramatic win. Except she was 18 years old and hurt. She fell on the first vault and was limping and her coach, Karolyi, encouraged her to keep going: You can do it! She did. And was done for the rest of the Olympics. She was helped off the mat by Marta, Bela, and Larry Nassar. (Don’t forget who is helping her right now). Let me back up, she was also a 1992 Olympian. Not many know that the Karolyi’s tried to retire after the 1992 Olympics. Kerri moved to Shannon Miller’s gym. Her family was in Houston while she trained in Oklahoma now. My dad is in Houston. One night I was flying home from Houston and Kerri was on the same flight! This is before 96 so I am the only one who is freaking out. But I was not going to do anything about it. My dad did, though. I ended up meeting her whole family and we hung out until the flight. I got to preboard b/c I was flying alone and I saved a spot for Kerri and her mom on the plane. Y’all, this was a dream come true for me. Kerri and her mom sat with me and she and I talked forever about gymnastics. I was on cloud 9. She even asked for my phone number so we could hang out sometime-in her very limited time. I could not believe this was happening. But as things would have it, right after this encounter, the Karolyis come out of retirement and she goes back. I was so sad. (Like she was going to call anyway, but a girl can dream). Then 1996 happens and she is a household name. I wanted everyone to know I knew her and I was so proud. It never occurred to me that this was abuse. I was 18, too. Grew up in the same culture. I was not as good and believed I did not have the “you can do it” spirit that she had. I found out from Rachel Denhollander on Twitter that Larry Nassar talked badly about Kerri Strug to Rachel, b/c he was abusing Rachel too. He told Rachel that Kerri’s vault was not heroic. She had a slight sprain and was creating drama. Oh my gosh! Rachel said he talked badly about several of the Mag 7 to her. While she was being abused. See! this is what happens. We are trained so young to be the very best. To keep going even when we can’t. And when we do go for it when we can’t, this is the response! We are literally never good enough. Simone Biles is flipping tables. But even she kept going to this Olympics knowing she would have retired after the last one if it was not so important to her to hold USA Gymnastics accountable for Nassar. She was abused by Nassar as well. Yes, Simone is the GOAT. But it is honorable to say “I can’t” even if we aren’t the GOAT. Biles is healing herself and others through her prophetic no to self-sacrifice and yes to life for herself. She has a team and when she could go no further, a teammate came in and delivered an incredible performance. So it is not team gold. 2021 Olympics is giving gymnasts something so much better than 1996 did. Let us not forget Kerri Strug, though. I am not saying this as her friend (LOL!) – I am saying this as someone who knows what it is like to feel like you have no choice. Believing your worth comes from your performance, not well-being. Simone is hearing a different story.
I have been writing a lot about believing women these past few weeks. If we did, there is a lot we would not be facing right now that is so tragic. Christine Blasey Ford is an example of a voice that came forward in a moment it was needed knowing it would be torn apart because of timing and all the circumstances involved in the situation. She did it anyway, and Kavanaugh was still given a seat. Now he (Kavanaugh)is being looked again and we are learning there are questionable things that went down with Justice Kennedy’s retirement leading to the Kavanaugh nomination. The USA Women’s soccer team has done everything a hostile crowd asks for when people demand to be paid equally and fairly (and given the same quality equipment to work with as men) but through their own fight having all the credentials and awards to back them up, what is revealed is none of that is what matters. Power is not interested in equality for women or any marginalized life. It wants to profit off them without complaint, not uplift them and rejoice with them (or cry). USA Gymnastics girls held in their pain believing their abuse comes with the territory of winning had no voice until Larry Nassar was caught. Larry Nassar was the nicest person in the community to the girls and he was sexually abusing them. Verbal abuse is abuse too–their coaches. Also, denying food and overworking them is physical abuse. This is happening in so many sports because our love of winning surpasses love of life. Several gymnasts are finding some semblance of healing finding out they are not alone in their pain and Nassar and USA Gymnastics are finally being held accountable. I love how Jamie Dantzscher says she can now say she is a proud Olympian and US gymnast. She did not feel proud when she was one because of all the shame and abuse. Heartbreaking, but the abuse did not get the last word. Praise God. Truth will set us free.
Why does it take so many voices who have been hurt to be believed, though? I hear the cries of everyone asking why their voice is not enough by itself. This is why so much abuse goes unreported. No one believes victims and they are often blamed. Spiritual abuse on top of the physical abuse.
I think back on why I am here. I got my feelings hurt this past week with an assumption made about me that surprised me and shook me up a bit. I am still processing this. But I remember this: the Trump phenomenon is what made me realize women being silenced in church and government is what has led to massive abuse. I was undone by how little so many people cared about abused women and children–women being some of the cruelest. They would yell about abortion and go stone-cold silent on this topic. This has only gotten worse, not better. But one thing that has changed is I am in seminary because of it. I have to remember this when I feel shook up. God cares about this. My therapist also tells me this: I care too. The pain of women and all the people crying out who have been treated as less than needs to be heard and felt. Our children are being abused in sports and in church. Women have had it. I have had it.
Why can’t the lone voice be heard among us? Jesus left the ninety-nine for the one. God goes to the one and I take comfort in this.
I hear my spirit that is groaning within me saying this: Believe women, believe her, believe me.
My partner, Jake, says that everything always comes back to soccer with me eventually. He is not wrong. Soccer, youth soccer with our kids, is where I realized I had a voice and boldness I never knew I had before. There is a massive amount of injustice in youth soccer (I know all youth sports) and my justice-demanding heart does not sit idly by when a moment calls for truth/action, not silence/inaction. Looking back this has always been inside me. I was an extremely quiet child in early elementary school. I was really shy with zero confidence. On the bus kids would say I was from the land of quiet because I said nothing. I was a cheetah who had been tamed as Glennon would say. Or as my therapist tells me now, a child who was sitting back observing the world before participating. I was paying attention.
In kindergarten, I never got in trouble because I was quiet. This seems to be all people in power want, good quiet people–especially girls. But there was one day a kid was being picked on and I got involved because it was so wrong. This is the only time I had to sit by the wall. I was humiliated. This is how I will be taken out of the game: mistake my motives and punish me. The teacher never asked what the commotion was about. She was only concerned that the peace had been disturbed by our noise. Isn’t that how the world works until we can no longer ignore injustice? God has a limit of about 400 years (Gen. 15:13). The world (people, not creation) wants peace, even if it is a false peace. That is not peace.
Back to soccer, soccer is where I found my voice and where a trauma happened that was so horrible–at the same time Trump was happening–I could no longer enjoy anything I once enjoyed in this world anymore. People were not who I thought they were. This is why I am shouting that relationship and education, alone, are not enough to reach people who have decided to follow mammon instead of God. This is going to take something stronger–a Care Bear Stare is how I like to put it. Love of money is a strong principality, and it thrives off of the oppression of people: racism, sexism, homophobia, xenophobia, and classism are all rooted in love of money and power.
It has taken me a long time to look back on soccer and not get re-traumatized. I have been in therapy working on healing a deep wound. My therapist said one day it will be a memory and not feel like a present reality over and over when I think back on it. The thing is, everything that happened in soccer is a present reality in our politics right now. It is unfathomable to me that people cannot see why Trump would be triggering for so many women, children, and BIPOC who suffer his abuse through people like Trump in their present reality. He is not an isolated buffoon who got elected and people weirdly love. He is who they have always loved. Not many of us were prepared for the revealing, even those who follow him. Before I go any further, I want to say something for clarification:
Prior to Trump I never spoke on politics. I secretly voted D to avoid judgement, and, honestly, I knew it made zero difference in the area I live. Just look at Texas now. What an absolute abusive mess that is happening because people like me were silent all this time. It is silence that allows abusers to gain power, not the loudest few who support the abuse unapologetically (Rev 3:15). My silence, and Jake’s too, came at the expense of our humanity. Mine as a woman who had been abused in gymnastics, boyfriends who believed they owned me, abusive work environments, and church subordination. Jake’s came at the expense of being a public-school teacher and indigenous person whose heritage has been assimilated into whiteness. Silence is not always golden. This is not me being partisan. This is me being on the side of humanity. I will not balance abuse and liberation. Even Moses realized as some point you have to leave. Pharaoh is going to Pharaoh. But the women! Oh, how we missed their stories. Egyptian and Hebrew women were both working towards liberation and that is why the Exodus happened. Funny how women’s stories in the Bible are told in ways where we cannot be trusted and need to ruled over; we deceive men. Yeah deceived men to survive and find freedom, and freedom happened–not war! Patriarchy is not holy.
I have been healing from a whole lot of trauma and I share my story to help others enter fully into their human story. Feeling wounds and admitting sin, or being freed from being sinned against, is not the worst thing to happen–even though it feels violent and horrible some days. Find a safe community and ask for help. This is the sanctification process that is happening, and it is holy and necessary work.
The reality is I think even Democrats are too soft on what is unholy among us. And complicit in a lot of wrong America has done to other nations. People are in pain, and it is real. It is not lack of discipline that got them there but powers and principalities set up benefitting from their oppression. I learned a lot once I saw the world for what it is. I do not claim to know everything, and I know I will never be fully awake to all that is wrong in the world, but I can say I am not sleeping through the inbreaking of the Holy Spirit revealing truth. Holy Spirit is in the chaos finding people who are ready to create a better world out of the chaos, not eliminate it, and help humanity and all of creation flourish. Love God, Neighbor, and Self are one and the same! I will add love of all of creation is also loving God. John 1:11 reveals creation did not reject Jesus, people did. Creation is groaning for us to repent (Romans 8).
Now as I have struggled mightily to use my voice where people understand me, US Women’s Soccer team has come to the rescue. Now I am coming back to soccer where I feel joy and pride because the truth is coming out. And this is very much a judgement on church as much as it is on all of our society. We are a nation, and church, that has profited off a women and little girls’ bodies and expected it to be for lower pay, or free, with no objection to our treatment. If we dare get angry we get called names, and some are derogatory names used from the Bible! We are not even supposed to care about sexual abuse. They will say women are making it up. But men, they get a pass–Brett Kavanaugh. Had we believed Christine Blasey Ford we would be a better world already. Now we have a man with Supreme Court seat who shouts his love for beer, and too many among us believed him and tore Blasey Ford apart. I heard this most vehemently from Christians. Praise God I had changed churches when this was being questioned. It was another spiritually abusive moment that I will never forget. Kavanaugh has another woman coming forward right now too. Why can we not believe women the first time? Same for children. Unless a whole bunch of people come forward, we ignore the one voice who told us long ago. And this could have helped save other women and children. It is not too late to do the right thing.
Megan Rapinoe, a sister warrior and shero, has a lot to say. She says that women are taught to live out of a posture of gratitude for whatever we are given, even when it is unjust. The system does not like our demands for equality–even when women win and are the popular team. USA Gymnastics is harder to get this voice because they exploited little girls, but same thing, women’s gymnastics was a winner and how they got there did not matter until Larry Nassar. Megan Rapinoe does not care if the timing of asking for justice is convenient or not. She is a voice we will look back on and be grateful for, because this voice is not just for soccer–it is a voice for all of us. And it is joined with an amazing US Women’s soccer team who know their worth is not in victories but because they exist. Equal pay for equal work. Women should not have to work harder to prove their worth, and we know that will not be enough anyway. Theologically people believe women are inferior, and it is in all of our systems in public life. It is sad that we are facing more than legal resistance to women’s equality. We are also facing spiritual resistance to it.
Now the principality of Trump makes more sense to me and why people we know and love are not going to say a word about the Capitol insurrection and lack of accountability, but yet, still call us partisan when we cry out at the terror happening among us. I just do not care anymore what anyone says or thinks about me. I have my team now. I am committed to the truth powered by love. It will make a better world for them and me.
Let me end with this: Hillary, when debating Trump, stayed completely stoic. She never reacted when being talked over and called names. We did not know at the time she was being trained to debate a narcissist. She played the game as society wanted her to as a woman, and it did not work. Our society hates women and believes we are biologically inferior. The US Women’s Team was told that, even after they have won all of the World Cups. That rhetoric is in the Bible. Is that holy? It is biblical, but it is not the gospel. That is a word from a human and not God. Hillary lost, a smart woman lost (I do not care what you think about her–I can call out every single president we have ever had for war crimes) and Trump a hateful and uninformed man, won.
Someone asked how we can keep people from being misled. She is a woman who works for a complementarian seminary. While we can’t be responsible for people who choose to be misinformed and ignore truth, we can do something really simple:
There is Life Out There 