Wonderful panel discussion on public education tonight. Look who came! Nancy Russell Ulrich, my GA, and Ellen Blocker McCollum, a new political activist at 76 yrs old. 🙂 She was saying that tonight is why I wrote that. They are some of my dearest friends from my other church. Oh, I love when people who are home show up at my new home. It makes me feel so happy and at home again.
This is the first time Casey Boland and I got to meet in the flesh. We have fun convos on Twitter and have been church mates for years, but our paths never cross. She gave the response everyone gives when they first meet me outside of the screen: You are tiny! But mighty. 🙂 Oh, I love my people.

Charlie Johnson too. He is with Pastors for Texas Children and he recognized me from Twitter. He said: I know you! I felt so honored. My Twitter work is working, friends. I am seen there.

Love y‘all and you are all my sheroes and heroes. Public education is dear to our family. My mom is a teacher and so is my husband. And I come from a long line of public school teachers too. Speaking truth and talking about ways we can help public education sets my soul on fire.

Just before this event, I read an article called “On Tyranny” by Timothy Snyder. Friends, what was spoken about what is happening to public schools is straight out of the authoritarian handbook. I will say more later.

Just like Ellen becoming an activist recently b/c of the blatant attacks on public education, I became an activist in Christianity b/c Christian Nationalism is driving this attack on public schools (both Dems and Republicans, but it is important to know that it is far-right wing politics that is driving this worldwide authoritarianism. The global market is growing the disparity between the rich and the poor. This problem is really big and complicated b/c it is so deep and layered. But we can start making a home right where we are, and that is what we were trying to do tonight.)

Dr. Jeannie Stone said this: Trust. Just Trust.

This is what I have learned to do in seminary, and I ironically wrote about that today! That is the message of the Spirit, y’all. I can hear the problems on a human level that I am being equipped to address if people will listen to me. I have and am doing the work. I will say more in another post.

Now I want to make a post about the power of love and friendship.

“I engineered smallness b/c I wanted to avoid criticism.”

This is a summarized quote of Brene Brown’s I heard recently and it is on point with what I have been doing for a while now. I have called it hiding.

This is the result of getting beaten up too many times. Spiritually beaten up. It is not b/c of pride and ego. Brene is giving words that spiritual pain and physical pain hit the same nerves in our bodies. It is real pain and we ignore it b/c we cannot see it. We spiritualize that pain away instead of tending to it. It is because we know so little about emotions and thought they were to be avoided. This is changing and I find great hope in this.

When I started seminary it became abundantly clear I had issues that needed extra help if I was going to complete my seminary journey. Jen Hatmaker who is in a new relationship gave words to this: you do not know all of the stuff you have to deal with until you get into a new relationship. This is so true and not just true for romantic relationships. Which, by the way, we do not have enough language for relationships outside of romantic ones. They are real and good, and when they are gone–especially tragically–it is a real loss. Grieving is necessary for any loss of a relationship, communally or individually. Learning how to trust again is not an easy journey, but it is worth it! I will do it again over and over because the beauty is worth the brutal that comes with it.

When I started seminary I had major imposter syndrome, and I was scared to trust people who I was growing to love more and more every day. It felt good to love deeply again, but it was also scary when the pain of a recent loss was so fresh. I was real with my professors about my trauma and they were so patient with me. Same with the people who were walking beside me. I am not sure why no one gave up on me. I shared that in my report on anxiety recently in my internship class too. I was ready to run, but I was daring everyone else to leave first. No one did, and then I realized I did not want to run. So, I stayed and I did the work to heal. And boy, a lot more things came up that I had to tend to. This is the hard work I have done that I am most proud of.

By the time I started my internship I thought I was doing pretty good. I was even able to take a break from therapy when my therapist had her baby. When she came back, I needed her desperately again. I had learned to trust my team (BHS and church leaders who were beside me) and my professors, I was not ready for the laity. Now I was in the ring learning how to take critique from people who did not know my story. It was hard and messy. I was embarrassed b/c I did not know why I could not push through and just be okay. But y’all, they did not give up on me either. The third group of people showing me they are not giving up on me. Nothing was at stake for them to not give up on me either, so now I am starting to believe not everybody (communally) leaves.

My final normal monthly LTC meeting was last night and it was so good. Everyone was astounded by my growth. One said I gave a beautiful theological reflection that went beyond stating the need for justice. I gave a clear theological response that showed how what I believe is also part of our faith commitment. It was so good all around. I learned to trust people and the process in seminary.

I have an inner peace that has never been present in my life before. I have faced my worst fears and survived them. I have also found people still standing right beside me anyway. Healing is hard but so worth it! My schedule this semester was too much and I could not control it, so I did not try. I just did my best to show up and it was enough. That is the best lesson I have learned in these three years.

People are looking for people who are faithful, not perfect.

Thank you to all the people who never gave up on me. You have shown me the power of love, friendship, and that church can work when we truly care for each other. I am ready to take what you have taught me onto the next journey.

Since I was honored today in staff meeting for my nearly year of service as an intern at Wilshire Baptist Church, along with my sister intern Leah Lucas, I will say something about my time at Wilshire as an intern and member. I might as well do it now because I cannot do this at the same time as my farewell to Perkins as a student. I received “A Woman’s Lectionary for the Whole Church” Year W from Wilshire. Then I went to lunch with Ashley Robinson before she officially leaves for Georgia. Gah! I am going to miss her.

Whitney Houston’s song has been in my head for a while now when I think of you, Wilshire. You gave me that one moment in time where I was more than I thought I could be. I taught my first ever adult Bible class, with men present too, ever in my life right from the start. That was a really big deal to me. When opportunities that may not seem like a big deal to many are not afforded to others, it can have an impact that is a really big deal— it was for me. I started rethinking who I was and what I could actually do. I thought I was too shy. I do not speak to groups. What is happening? I now see how damaging it is to stay in churches, no matter how much we love them and they love us, where women are held back for any reason outside of their own agency. I realize now I need to be a voice for this. It is not to cause harm, but to heal.

I have been wounded deeply in many different parts of my life. I am a trusting person by nature and I have been crushed by it. It has taken me a while to heal at Wilshire, along with additional resources like therapy, and get back into the game and be the storyteller I am. Looking back too long was sending me back into a tailspin of grief at the beginning of this journey at Wilshire and Perkins, but I had to do it to heal.

Wilshire kept believing in me even when she did not understand me. How could you understand me? I did not understand myself. I could not figure out why I was crying so much when I was so happy, until I saw the wounded child in me who needed comfort. Stories kept falling apart and betraying her all throughout her life. The light inside me was almost gone until I got Wilshire. The fire in my belly grew the minute I walked into these doors and my life has never been the same.

It is hard to trust in this world, isn’t it? I have decided I am going to trust again, and I can tell when people do not trust me. It is instinctive just like I can sense when someone is in pain. I hope I can help heal some of this. I agree with Richard Rohr that we should replace the word faith with trust for a while. After all, that is what faith is asking us to do. Might we get hurt and betrayed again? Certainly, and most likely. But real things happen too. Glennon Doyle, the same woman who told me to go through my pain when I was completely undone, is helping me once again as I learn to live and find where God is leading me now. She said this when explaining her word “brutifal”: everything that is beautiful is also brutal. If you don’t accept the beauty, you do not get the brutal. If you don’t accept the brutal, you don’t get the beauty.

I really want the beauty. I am willing to accept the brutal. I have lived through it and I keep finding deeper beauty and joy in life. Does not make the brutal okay—it is just part of life and I want to do what I can to be a healer with whatever time I have left to breathe into this brutifal world. In one of my books I am reading for school about Romans, it talks about people being natural homewreckers. I think the fire in me that motivates me is creating a home for people again. This is why I am inviting you to naps, yoga, to play, and work can be a lot of fun too. Work gets more serious when we feel at home in ourselves and with each other. It meant a lot to me to hear Heather Mustain say that I am known for my positivity and love of church. I am glad that is seen and understood, because I love this place and it is a real love. It has not been an easy road and that is what makes it a beautiful story.

I love you Wilshire.

I also need to add a quote from “A Wrinkle in Time.” Madeleine L’Engle is my newfound obsession. This about Charles Wallace.

Mrs. Whatsit: It is lucky he has someone to understand him.
Mrs. Murry: But I’m afraid he doesn’t. None of us is quite up to Charles.
Mrs. Whatsit: But at least you are not trying to squash him. You’re letting him be himself.

Thank you, Wilshire, for letting me be myself.

Talk about why grownups are trying to ban books. Let me tell you something about about Madeleine L’Engle—I now want to be a L’Engle scholar b/c of this—she said this about the Bible: The Bible is a wonderful storybook of unqualified people. It is not a moral book.
L’Engle is Episcopalian and was not raised with the baggage many of us are having to unlearn, but she did learn some valuable things from evangelicals—when she figured out they existed in her forties at Wheaton College. Evangelicals taught her how to pray spontaneously. She loves their enthusiasm and love of liturgy, but not their theology. Holding back questions, suppressing doubt, and to never grieve are not things she could accept, nor do I.

I love when she said this: Yesterday’s heresy is tomorrow’s dogma. She is spot on here as we see the far-right wing evangelicals taking a heresy and making it a dogma right now (i.e. Owen S. subordinating the Son heresy).

Doubt is what takes us into faith. We should doubt some of the dogmas. It is a healthy thing to do. Doubt is the acceptance of faith! Oh, I love that so much. She said her religion is able to change on a moment’s notice. If we are not open to God’s revelation then our religion is dead.

I am a storyteller, so is L’Engle. Story is what takes her deeper into faith. Fantasy reveals truth that facts cannot. Facts do not take us far enough, but we need them. Facts DO matter! Fantasy moves beyond that which is limited to that which is not limited to help us learn, to grow, and to just be. Fantasy is what encompasses the gospels letting us know we are loved. In fantasy, love is primary.

CS Lewis wrote his fantasies b/c his theology could never say enough about God. Theology never will. The German theologians tried. L’Engle does not like German theologians very much. They are good for insomnia. The mistake they made is using long dramatic sentences trying to prove. Fantasy never makes that mistake.

Fantasy is always hopeful. To describe the incarnation as fantasy may sound offensive, but that fantasy is also true. It cannot be proven, but it still leads us to a deeper truth. True fantasy cannot be killed. It cannot be proven, but it cannot be killed. In the world of fantasy, love is primary. It shows us we can change. We do not have to make the same mistakes over and over.

The fact that Father Joe Ted Miller, Pappy, was also Episcopalian (Episcopalian priest) and someone I was able to sit with and talk with every chance I got while he was on this earth is speaking to me loudly right now. He told me this when he got his Alzheimer’s diagnosis and knew it would take him from this earth: I hope that I can be a spirit that gets to continue with you doing the good work you are doing.

Me finding Madeleine L’Engle shortly after his death does not feel like a coincidence.

Last night I struggled to sleep. Julie warned me that Dr. Pepper was going to be trouble, but I needed sugar. These days are long and my body is not up for the schedule I have. I ended up getting up at 2 AM – b/c sleep would not come- and took a bath. I knew at this point there was no way I was going to be able to make my 8 AM class the next day in person. Thank God for the Zoom option. It still ended up fruitful and wonderful.

I had two classes via zoom and then had a few-hour break before my evening class. I took a nap. When I woke up, I wanted to watch a movie. I was too tired to do any other work. I found “At the Heart of Gold: Inside USA Gymnastics Scandal.” Why I watched this knowing what I already know, I cannot explain. It is weird having to keep looking at this part of my life over and over again at this moment in time. Gymnastics was everything to me.Gymnastics was like what theology is to me now.

My body felt gross after watching. The world I was so obsessed with and wanting so badly to be a part of was grossly corrupt. Had I made it, I would have been a Larry Nassar victim on top of the physical and spiritual abuse already happening. The girls thought Larry was the nice one! This was my group.

The beginning of the documentary was Shannon Miller-my local shero-running and doing a vault on a known injury. She was hurt at the end of the vault. Steve Nunno, her coach who is a real jerk, was by her side trying to check on her. Larry Nassar comes too. When he mentions we need to go to the back, Shannon says: No, No. She ends up finding a way to get up.

I feel so sick. The documentary reveals even more about how sinister these systems were (so many systems let him through-their name is Legion) that let Larry Nassar have access to all these young girls.

Something that was said about these girls echoed how I have lived my life post-gymnastics: they were like wounded animals. They could not show they were hurt. This is what gym practice became for me. What I loved so much, I hated now. I needed out and it hurt so much. My injured back was my escape.

These people who meant the world to me and I was around a lot, are absent voices in this mess. They would not have been my advocates.

We talked about Christian advocacy tonight in class. Rachel Denhollander had to wait 16 years post-abuse to finally speak into this moment. She spent those 16 years researching what happened to her. She was an average gymnast like me, not elite, but Larry Nassar took her in and abused her. He even talked trash about he Mag 7 (1996 Olympians) to her. She has been empowered by the Holy Spirit to take him on. Got him at Michigan State, then USA Gymnastics, and is now taking on the SBC and their own sex abuse scandals. It has cost her greatly, but she lived into her power. She has created a community that is becoming empowered and taking on these corrupt systems that has hurt our daughters. (I am not here for anyone’s pro-life talk. Few have the authority to speak on that subject here in America).

She has liberated me. I carry these wounds in my body and I had no idea they were there. I had left that world and expected to never look back. Everything matters. Even the no-names like me.

Now I am learning I have worth. I am living into it without questioning these days. I am proud of the work I did in soccer b/c I did my part to say there is a problem and your children need protection. I hope this will cause us all to pause.

The ones who actually abused are awful, but the ones who covered it up are the main problems. Every time we ignore the voice of truth, more people suffer.

What power do you serve?

We have to start listening to our kids.

I have listened to Glennon’s podcast We Can Do Hard Things with Brene Brown as her guest three times now. The title of this podcast is “What to Say to Get What You Need.” I am super busy and needing to get stuff done, but this podcast is the culmination of everything I have learned during my seminary career. I want to share a few important things that were discussed. The reason it is important is because what is shared is about forming meaningful relationships. This is my heart’s desire. It is about connection. Something we talk about often communally but have never really defined what connection actually is.

First, we cannot connect meaningfully to others without connecting to ourselves first. The depth we are connected to ourselves is the best predictor of our ability to connect, and how deeply, with others.

Brene Brown has a new book out called Atlas of the Heart. The overall thesis is that the more we can identify and communicate our emotions, the more grounded we will become in ourselves. This is a book about emotions. This Enneagram 4 woman is super excited about this. Finally, a book with data to back up its findings to help guide us toward emotional intelligence and connection that is sorely lacking in our culture.
I was telling myself a story the other day about why a friend might be acting a certain way towards me. I caught myself and realized what I was telling myself was not real. I ended up reaching out to this friend asking a few questions and explaining why I was feeling anxious about it. I did this before I even heard this podcast. It was a good move and led to a fruitful conversation. I was not, in fact, interpreting the situation correctly. Brene Brown says she has learned after getting so much wrong for so long, we cannot recognize emotion in other people. Whoa! This is a deep truth.
Brene says that trying to interpret someone’s emotion(s) is an attempt to hotwire connection. It is a get-out-of-jail free card to not do the work to find out what actually is going on with that person, possibly because we need this person to be a certain way for us to feel safe. Truly engaging and listening to the person will challenge us to believe them even if it does not resonate with our lived experience and what we need from them. Instead of telling them what we think about their emotion(s), which is dismissive and wounding, it will lead us to ask questions like this: God, that hurts. What does love look like for you right now? What does support look like for you?
She also described the difference between “far enemy” and “near enemy.” The far enemy of connection is disconnection. But the far enemy is not what unravels everything we need in a relationship—it is the near enemy. The near enemy is the thing that masquerades as connection, but it is actually undermining connection. The near enemy of connection is control. Glennon went onto to add wisdom here: We only try to control things we do not trust.
Trust. That is what I am seeing we do not have enough of in our Christian faith. We have not been formed to trust people. We are told not to trust people. People will let you down. People are sinners. While all of this can and will be true, this teaching is leaving us with the inability to connect meaningfully because we do not trust. We act like we are connected through control. Trump is a great example here. Trump seems really connected to his followers who have stickers and all kinds of goods to rally their support around him. He is speaking to their pain but he is not meeting their pain with vulnerability. He is leveraging their vulnerability with control. He is forming relationships based on attachment, not connection.

True love appreciates. Attachment aims to possess. Religion is so guilty of this.

Brene says when a theory is applied it needs to be able to be applied at both the macro and micro level of our systems—our family systems and our communal systems. Control is the fragility around our own worth. This is where I call into question the church teaching people they are sinners. We teach people not to trust themselves and therefore that lack of trust plays out everywhere—family, community, and even with God.
When the soccer trauma happened. I was shocked out how unprotected children are—and we do it by choice. By not trusting people around us who are sharing wisdom that they know and the system will never see, people are choosing ways that put their children in harm’s way. I have had a hard time healing from this, and I told my therapist how the system failed a child at every level. Therapist: You did not fail the child. God, I needed to hear those words.
The reaction to what happen was immediately to control the environment and the public perception. That is our natural go-to. But the reality is that was not real, and Jake and I were dying inside and had to pretend not to be so no one felt uncomfortable. This led to our own abuse and silence. Leaders are not protected either. A perception was created that was not real and people lived into whatever reality they wanted to create. I also saw that I had been living in a reality that was not real either. These friends were not who I thought they were, and we were operating under different rules of what friendship meant. Then the same thing came with the church—Trump’s election. How could I worship with people who believed the women’s assault and unapologetic racism was unfortunate but not calling for action on their part? This is not how a safe community operates. The church should be protesting this.
I came to Wilshire in 2017 not believing I held very much worth after that experience. When relationships started forming that felt so good and healing, I attempted to control these relationships for fear of losing them. This was a sign that I really did not trust these friends. It is hard to form meaningful relationships forming a strong attachment over a strong relationship. When I learned to let go in soccer, that is when I stopped trying to control the story and started moving. It led me to Wilshire and ultimately seminary. As I am healing currently, I am letting go of my attachments and finding out I have real friends who are there and I can trust them, and they know they can trust me. The more I have been digging into my Elsa identity, the more I am growing in confidence and finding my own worth. She is helping me learn to trust myself and not try to control the environment. I am learning how to respond to the environment with what is needed from me in the moment as the world is, not how I wish it was.
True love appreciates people for who they are, not who we want them to be. Love does not control. Love trusts people. We have to learn how to trust ourselves and not try to control our environment so we can build these meaningful connections that are grounded in reality. Not a perception of what is real

A friend asked me yesterday if I thought my connection to Elsa is the Holy Spirit’s message to me.
Me: yes, absolutely.
Elsa, as a child, was told her power was too much for this world. It needed to be concealed, not felt and formed as she grew and learned how to use it wisely. Culture fears what’s out of the norm that could challenge power that is maintaining a perceived peace. So, she played by the rules and wore those gloves and became a version of herself that did not experience all life had to offer her bc of who she is. It led her to depression.
But then a time came when she broke. She unleashed her powers in such a way she needed to go into hiding and heal. She was relearning, without realizing it, who she is and who she was created to be. Life, the hard kind of life, forced her out of hiding bc she was needed. She realized the only way to make it in this world was to be her truest self. Her love saved her sister and kept Olaf alive in summer.

In Frozen 2, the trolls are now hoping her power is enough. It wasn’t just her power though that ended up being enough; it took a community working together to relearn their story so everybody could heal, live, and enjoy the fullness of life. They did not get to skip over telling hard truths and making amends to do this. All were responsible and needed in the story.

I think Elsa has an important and vital message for us. The TGC worried about one line in a song that would have been overlooked had they not said something. I’m glad they did this now. They helped me find the vision I needed to live more confidently and to feel deep joy.
I also like that we do not need to try to make Elsa perfect. That’s not the point. Elsa is faithful. She’s faithful bc she listened and let it affect her. It saved her too. Of course it did.
Elsa has also taught me how to play. Can’t do the work without play. #elsaismyprophet #gottofeeltoheal #itsnotaboutperfection #itsaboutlearning #activelylisten

If it has not become apparent to you yet, I am into bright colors with corresponding shoes. This is what is giving me life these days as I struggle to stay above water. Although, in good news, I am staying calm despite the schedule. I am showing up and doing the best I can, and I am going home knowing it is enough. I have also been more focused on family life—soccer being an avenue making it happen. I love when what felt against me before is now for me. This is the work of redemption.

So, ironically, when I got in my car on the way to work several songs about fire came on. I guess my spirit was calling down fire and my outfit was subconsciously picked out on purpose . Ha.

The song I want to highlight, though, is Garth Brook’s song “The Change.” A song he sang as a tribute to the victims of the OKC bombing. Friends, we have been living through a lot our whole life—I will say more about that later. This is the line I want to talk about: It is like trying to stop a fire with the moisture from a kiss”

That is what it is like what we are up against. But now I know my gift as a 4 is that I am not afraid of what we deem as a dark time. I am made for this kind of time. I find hope and love when it goes dark. Darkness was my protection when my world fell apart. It comforted me and I heard a new story from the one I was living. I am working with people currently who are helping me step out and live in the light again and tell this story. We need each other—solar and lunar spiritual people.

Here is what Garth said in his song that made me create this post:
And I hear them saying, “You’ll never change things, And no matter what you do it is still the same thing.” But it is not the world that I am changing. I do this so the world will know that it will not change me.

Not only will the world not change me, I found me. Elsa (me) and Wilshire (my community). I have more to say about that later too. It will be a fun post.

Content Warning: Sexual abuse is described in this post. This is also written through the lens of my Christian faith. But this can be critiqued going further back than Jesus and Mary.

I am going to weigh in on Christianity Today magazine ignoring sexual misconduct. This story broke on the heels of the Texas Supreme Court halting the lawsuit of the oppressive and cruel anti-abortion law that has passed. Few will make the connection between these two events. It is inconvenient and will charge us with reevaluating how we do theology. We must (I do not say must unless it really is a must) go back to the beginning—go back to Jesus and Mother Mary.

First, I want to emphasize that Christianity Today is a known complementarian-affirming evangelical institution. After the death Rachel Held Evans, they published an article critiquing her theology. We were mourning and that article felt like an assault. Blame the author all you want, but this got past people in the system and made it to publishing. And herein lies the problem, the villain is not the individual person that we like to have—that is too easy—the villain is the community that sees what is happening and lets it go unchallenged, or excused because the person who has caused harm is beloved or makes the system a lot of money. I have an example.

Last night I watched Evan Rachel Wood’s documentary Phoenix Rising. I listened to her speak on Trevor Noah’s show and so much of what she said resonated with me. Her story is far more extreme, but it is weird how experiencing any kind of abuse will land you in the same place. She and I, both, are doing what it takes to heal and use whatever platform we have to stop the cycle of abuse. Her platform is much larger than mine, but again, not comparing. We are being faithful with what we have been given. Our brain also does not know levels of abuse when it experiences abuse. What has happened to Evan Rachel Wood, while extreme, is all too common in our society and it needs to be known. We are often the ones watching, and the ones doing nothing about it.

Evan Rachel Wood has been abused and brutally tortured by Marilyn Manson—real name Brian Hugh Warner. It has been a lot of painful work, and years of it, for Evan Rachel Wood to get to where she is now. She has not been able to maintain even healthy relationships at this time because abuse makes it hard to trust again. Healing work has to take place. She also gets victim-blamed, even by people who believe her, because it is so normal in our culture to do that. We have placed so much responsibility on the people who experienced abuse instead of the abuser. Regarding the abuser, we usually hear things like this: “don’t cancel them”; “don’t destroy them”; “they did not mean it that way”; “boys will be boys.” This is a cycle that needs to stop. It destroys the one who abuses too. Yes, they are deeply hurt people, and they get where they are because either help does not come for them or they refuse help. Narcissists like Manson and Trump will refuse help. And the system does not require them to heal when they serve the system well. Marilyn Manson made the industry millions. People watched him rape her on set and get violent with her after a show. She thought the handlers would step in. No one did. Even one she thought was a friend closed the door on a night he was publicly and openly violent with her. He knew and shook his head and closed the door. No one stopped it! They watched. Who is the villain in this story? This happens all the time. It is what MLK Jr is talking about when he calling out the silent white moderates who KNOW!

Rachel Evan Wood said that when she finally found a place that received her story and believed her within minutes—she did not have to convince them—what a relief that was to her soul. Same. When I got to my current church and shared my pain, and I did not even know I was sharing my pain because I had been crying out for so long and hearing silence, I was shocked when someone said: “thank you for sharing your heart with me. I will do my best to be worthy of it.” Oh my gosh! Talk about a life-changing moment. I thought what I said did not matter. I found a place that said it did. It changed me forever. And like Evan, even though I was in a healthy relationship, I had a lot of work to do to heal. And it is happening now. I am feeling whole and finding out who I have been this whole time. This is not a new me. This is the me that has always existed but was hiding because she was scared. A community that is safe can make this possible.

Communities build up and communities destroy. The community often determines if someone heals or is destroyed. Now, this does not mean when someone refuses help—like Marilyn Manson—the community is responsible for that. In the words of the Apostle Paul in Romans, “By no means!” What I am saying is the community is responsible if they give them power to keep going as they are in the community without intervention on behalf of those who lie in their wake.

This story makes me think about a Bible story in the gospel of John. See the quotes around this title as air quotes, “The Woman Caught in Adultery.” What a piss-poor name for this story, and so inaccurate too. This is a woman caught in the SIN of the system. These men brought her to Jesus to have her killed. Jesus made these men look within themselves instead. They could not act when they were challenged personally. The system made them act inhumanely and Jesus called them on it. It pissed them off, yes. This sets up the fact Jesus will be killed, but he deescalated this moment and saved this unnamed woman’s life. Jesus did this all the time. When he told her to go and sin no more, that couldn’t possibly mean her personal sin. She was caught in the middle of a male-pissing contest (got description that from a dear professor—so accurate). I even wonder if it was adultery at all now that I see how women’s abuse gets perceived—even in our own churches—and are all-too-often are victim blamed for the abuse. So much to think about in this story in light of our own reality and how we treat women. It is not the way of Jesus or Mother Mary.

Remember Mother Mary? God asked her permission to bear the word of God. God trusted a woman to do that. Why isn’t that more widely known and proclaimed in our theology? Why are Christians known more for their oppression and suppression of women? That is what looks like culture. I believe Jesus coming as a human male is extremely important. Here is a man with power equal to God and he does not exploit it. I believe Jesus is assuming the sin of men that bends towards dominance when unchecked. All the verses about power, he is talking to men. Hebrew Scriptures too (Exodus 20:17). Jesus empties himself and dies before he gives into the way of Caesar. He freed woman all along the way to continue his message after he is gone because he knew the system was going to kill him.

Back to my example now. Marilyn Manson’s real name is Brian Hugh Warner. He grew up in an unstable home and attended a private Christian school. He was severely bullied and he did not get what he needed from his community at a formative age. But he has also refused help now that help is here. His wounds turned him into the very thing that harmed him, and because he was and is so successful at making people believe this abuse is art, the system has allowed him to go unchecked. Brian is no longer with us. He died. This is part of the human condition we do not talk about enough in theology. Evan Rachel Wood said she is not out to destroy him. He is already destroyed. Sometimes the greatest act of love is saying no more and getting them stopped. That’ll preach.

All of this to say is when will Christians see our complicity in our theology as a community that supports this abuse instead of critiquing it. I read our church fathers and several sound like abusers. Trauma does something to our brain, and ERW says this too, and we know. We are finding out theologians like John Howard Yoder were sexual abusers. Ravi Zacharias, John MacArthur, Paige Patterson, John Piper, Denny Burk, Owen Strachan, and the list goes on. We have a theology that does not give any attention to the experiences of women and children and it shows. We look away all too often because we have been so influenced by these theologians that we cannot sit with the discomfort of the pain they have spread in our Christian community, and by intention. Their theology will be defended before the person who has been harmed by it will. Holding people accountable is not canceling them. It is an act of love and a chance for redemption for them to find their true selves that always existed. To find out their name is Beloved.

Christianity Today thought they did not have to repent or change their stance on the subordination of women. They are silent on the Texas laws that clearly blame women for their plight and not challenge states trying to defund public education. I have not seen an article critiquing how not pro-life this is. But I have seen plenty on abortion, when abortions have been statistically been reducing too—it makes no sense, unless you consider power. They broadcast the story of Mark Driscoll like the problem was all his. There was no reflection on their part. They centered the victims very little, and found the ones who still believed in complementarian theology when they did. Look where this is leading us. Look where it lead Christianity Today. Now they have to look at themselves. And I hope they do it holistically, but I am not banking on it.

Fellowship Southwest posted this thought on their social media sites yesterday: Maybe you were made for such a time as this. It was inspired by Purim beginning yesterday for our Jewish friends. The story of Esther is the story of this holiday. I sat with that thought as I am exhausted trying to finish this semester and wondering if my own faith is good for women. Then I read that post and remembered why I was called by God at the moment I was.

Competition can be fun, but it’s not the goal of how we live our life. Competition is for sports, and even that needs to be in major check.

This is a word. I almost wrote a post last night about how hard this competitive culture is on kids. But I was tired and had a big enough day.

I grew up when USA gymnastics was in the beginning stage of taking off, and it wounded me. I love the sport to this day, and I’m grateful Simone Biles and Laurie Hernandez are now addressing mental health and gymnastics. I thought I was weak when I couldn’t take it anymore. I was too old (in 8th grade!) to be anything-bc that’s all that mattered (being on top) and I was mad at myself for not loving this sport at seven-years old when they really wanted me. So, when I hurt my back I was grateful for the excuse to quit. We had coaches who were just like Bela Karolyi. They’d speak in their own language and say your name out loud so you knew they were talking about you. There are so many other examples I can give. It was awful and dehumanizing.

I missed the sport after I quit (still do) but I couldn’t take the toxic environment. I cried all the time: why couldn’t we be gymnasts 🤸🏼‍♂️ just for fun. The levels offered for just-for-fun were below what I could do.

The church did not help my self esteem either. Being a girl alone I was overlooked as a leader, but I was judged harshly for sins. Especially for not keeping boys thoughts pure. But dare I lead, I’d be in contempt bc women lead men astray. Oy! So much to say about these messages that are so wrong and ungodly. Having to appease a God who always sees us not right enough is exhausting and anxiety producing.

I gave a presentation on anxiety in my internship class yesterday, and it was good. I’ve never been thanked by so many people, my colleagues, who received the message. They encouraged me on a level so deep I felt in my core-racham, Hebrew for womb-love. I felt their words in my center. I allowed myself to receive their words to replace what has been imprinted in my spirit for way too long.

So friends and family, please hear me when I say that our kids competing at the highest level is not an indication of their worth. It is not training them to earn their way in life. No one gets by without receiving help. God designed it that way, and it’s displayed in the Trinity. (See! I’m seeing a Trinitarian theology in real life that makes sense). Pay attention to the environment they are competing in and believe it over the results. If the toxicity of the environment is ignored, nothing gets better. We keep having this conversation. This highly competitive environment does produce anxiety. It is not inherent in our human condition that we just have to overcome. It can be prevented.