Serious post. I am glad I went to class and had the opportunity to contemplate on this Rembrandt painting of “The Return of the Prodigal Son.” I saw something in it that illustrated what went through my mind when listening to Beth Barr speak on complementarian theology.

It is easy to point out the clearly abusive theology and actions that are now walking around in the open air unapologetically straight out of complementarian churches. But, there is another form of abuse coming out of it that seems less harmful because you cannot see the wounds. The words do not sound as sharp or as ridiculous either. I come from that—and it is not because the people are bad. I am still in a great relationship with many of them. It is the system that is abusive. Dr. Barr said, and it took her 41 years to say this, this theology is going to go to its logical end. It cannot be done nicely. She is right. We cannot say: Oh, I can see how you came to that conclusion. That makes sense.

No, not anymore. It is rotten and sinful theology that has harmed God’s creation. Women. women are not subordinate to men. This theology can no longer be defended faithfully.

Here is what has happened to me, but first let me say this. My trauma is not just out of church. I was also a gymnast when USA Gymnastics became big business. Us kids became commodities instead of children. Our abuse was silenced because of all the winning. God sees what winning hides. (Pay attention soccer—I have seen what cannot be unseen there too). Authoritarianism anywhere is a sin everywhere. Children are full human beings. Full stop. (Please be thinking trans children right now. They know).

Church did not help me gain confidence either, though. I was not going to church and hearing my worth to recognize I was not being treated as I should in gymnastics. I was hearing what a sinner I was, along with everyone else. We were lucky God loves us despite ourselves. Church was not offsetting abuse.

There was one time I really wanted to speak to the church publicly when I was 17. This is a big deal because i never wanted to speak publicly—still don’t. I have major public speaking anxiety because no one every worked with me on it. I was never considered a possibility to be a leader, ever, in the church. I thought I was going to get to speak too. I was brought to the front with the rest of the kids who went on this mission trip that had set my soul on fire and I wanted to share, only to find out after all the boys had spoken we were done. I was stunned. I had never been so angry at church in my life. I told my mom I was leaving church after graduation. I did not do it immediately, obviously. I did not make good on that promise until Donald Trump was elected. I said I would leave at 17, but it was when I turned 38 that I actually did it. I returned, differently, at 40.

So imagine my surprise hearing I might be called at 40 years old at a new church that had just met me! And I was also so in love with this church already. I literally burst through the doors of Wilshire in 2017 and was like: I have been looking for you. I know you do not know me. But you will. We are friends! (I said this last sentence b/c I have been told I am obsessed with friendship. I am. Proud of it.)

But with all of that excitement and joy, wounds I did not even know I had showed up and it has been a long and frustrating process working through. It has taken my church, Perkins, and therapy to keep me in this process of healing and answering this call that I feel so passionately in my soul.

Look at the Rembrandt picture. I circled the person I saw as me in this story. I am a person who is trying to become visible. A person wondering if they belong in this story at all. I have been hiding. To this day, I do not speak up in big groups. I wanted to ask Beth Barr a question today, but my heart was pounding to quickly. I felt like everyone else had better questions.

I am learning that I apologize for taking up any physical space. At the ladies’ retreat, I was rushing through the salad bar to not hold anyone up. I was told to slow down, no one is in a hurry. I did it the next week at La Madeline when getting coffee. I did not want to put the person out behind me b/c my presence takes some time and space. I never realized this until recently. My sermons are bold but also apologetic. I feel apologetic for saying hard things but for also taking up people’s time. I Write on social media b/c you can choose to read or not. I hope you do. I love writing and sharing. I hope it is helping. But I struggle existing in the physical space. And it is because I was trained to be invisible. Me saying I want to preach is laughable when I think about it. It is absurd and does not make sense based on who I am.

This is another reason why complementarian theology needs to end. It is not good for the imagination of our children as they dream of that might want to be one day. The girls are limited and the boys are often forced into roles they do not want. There is more to say, but this says a lot. Maybe someday I will say this in a physical space.

My body and my breath belong in the physical space too.

Procrastination has a bad reputation. I am going to turn the notion that procrastination is bad on its head. I am with Ellen, who in one of her stand up comedy acts demonstrated why procrastination was actually the solution.

This is my friend Kim Vitale. I ran into her at Target because I am avoiding the million things I have to do. I am overwhelmed, so I found a reason to leave— and I am glad I did. Kim was not planning this trip to Target either.

This friend and I have a very special history together. Our daughters have played soccer together a long time. When I saw how badly the big clubs were treating kids and their parents, this woman became my partner in good trouble to tell a different story at Mutiny. And what a story we told. We showed what was possible, and the world is better because Mutiny existed. I am going to give us the credit we deserve: our daughters’ Mutiny teams survived multiple times because of the problem women that we are—Kim and me. Kim was the most incredible manager and I started calling everyone who had been treated horribly by a big club in town and invited them to Mutiny. I got my church involved and they gave us space, for free, to hold indoor soccer practices when we could not practice outside for various reasons. It was survival through community effort.

We played as hard, or maybe harder, as we worked. We play a game or have practice and then we go eat or get yogurt. The adults were as connected as the kids. The men even started a soccer team of their own—The Old Timers. Those games were so much fun to attend. The daughters had a chance to critique their dads now. It was the best.

We survived so much. So much happened that should not have happened—like making classic league with just enough players to play!—but the work we put in shined and came through at just the right moment keeping us going. Even when we were getting our butts beat every game, other teams were interested in our girls. They never gave up—EVER.

But things come to an end. Mutiny was on life support at the time we ended. At our end-of-year soccer party—when I knew things were about to get official—I broke down and cried and could not stop the tears. Kim held me almost the whole entire party. She let me cry on her shoulder for hours and she did not let me go. I was so sad about so much. I was mad at the USA b/c Trump had been elected. I was mad at church. And now I was mad at soccer. I told her I wanted to live in another country. I will never forget her so sweetly saying: I am not sure they have it figured out either. 😂. Oh, Kim, I love you so much. I will never forget what you have done for me.

The last time we connected deeply I was in tears. Today, I saw her and sparks went flying everywhere. We are a powerful duo when we get together. I told her I will be smiling the rest of the day, and I still am right now.

Here are some pictures of our incredible journey together. I would not be who I am without Mutiny and without Kim. I also want to point out a picture where we are bowling. Kimberlyn was really struggling and upset. She refused to be comforted. Only Kim could reach her. From one Kim to another. After that, Kimbo knocked down 5 pins! Goal. LOL!

I treasure these memories. I cannot believe all of the soccer healing that is taking place right now in my life. Everything that was good and true and is coming back

mutinyfc #mutinyforeva #05/06girls #ballin #dowork #yolo

Jake Bruehl

Bc this is Lent, and Lent 2016 is what led me to the moment I am in now, I’ve had a few memories pop up.

One is a Richard Rohr meditation I read when I was in the midst of my agony but savoring and ingesting every healing word that was coming abundantly my way. In this meditation it talked about the desire for God I was having, and I was. It said that desire that feels like intense craving you are feeling for God is how God is feeling about you. It was stated more eloquently than that, but at that moment I felt my breath change. There was an ease about it. My eyes saw more clearly too. The world did not look like cruel place I was experiencing anymore. God and I had a mutual relationship and we adored each other. Still do.

When I read the Hebrew Scriptures, I have a lot more compassion for the Israelites. Oh, I remember the feeling of God has chosen me. To God I’m really something and this makes me feel so special. We all need to feel this—especially when we’ve been invisible and/or when our encouragement has come from what we do and not the miracle that we are.

I was listening to Jonathan Martin’s sermon this morning from Ash Wednesday. “Go where the hunger is”. What brilliant insight to see that Peter, in Acts 10, did not see a vision that was revealing something new to him when he was full. He was hungry and food was being prepared.

Lent is not about giving things up for the sake of giving it up. It’s finding the parts where we are full. Where we might not hear something new bc we have no need to hear it.

I highly recommend you read Jan Richardson’s “Blessing the Dust”—a Blessing for Ash Wednesday. It is beautiful. Here is the ending.

So let us be marked
not for sorrow.
And let us be marked
not for shame.
Let us be marked
not for false humility
or for thinking
we are less
than we are

but for claiming
what God can do
within the dust,
within the dirt,
within the stuff
of which the world
is made
and the stars that blaze
in our bones
and the galaxies that spiral
inside the smudge
we bear.

Lent2022 #lentenjourney

This week has been exciting for the Baptist House of Studies at Perkins School of Theology. It has been officially announced that our program has received a $2.7 million grant from The Eula Mae and John Baugh Foundation which will fund about 10 full-time students in degree programs within the Baptist House of Studies. Here is the story:

https://www.smu.edu/Perkins/News/News_Archives/Archives_2022/2022-Baugh-Foundation https://www.smu.edu/Perkins/News/News_Archives/Archives_2022/2022-Baugh-Foundation

There are so many leaders to thank who have blazed a trail for the students, and they are being thanked. What a difference this is going to make for people who want to be formed as Baptists in the state of Texas, not conservatively, and have more than one option. I do not view this as a competition but as an opportunity for all of us to grow and sharpen what we believe that will include more people—no more exclusion. There is room for more and no need to tear anyone down. I also have high hopes this will affect our churches, and that theological changes will start taking place. If not, new churches will form. It is a matter of life and death.

In this post I want to talk about why Perkins is so important to me. Even without he BHS, I would choose Perkins again. That statement says a lot because I identify as a Baptist big time and everyone knows it. I am known as the Spicy Baptist on campus who is always Baptisting. The reason is that at Perkins the theological education provided is out of this world. They take scripture seriously but also give you freedom to express how scripture is speaking to you. As long as you argue it well, and do no harm, the professors receive it and even listen to it! I am astounded by how well-received I have been by my professors. They have loved me through it all. I came not sure I was fit to be called or if my trauma could handle anymore religion. My professors and the BHS team (Jaime, Andy, and George) stayed with me and drew closer to me. They believed in me and did not want me to give up. They helped me find more resources for help and were there for me night and day. This made all the difference in the world, and this gift is not just for me. This is the character of the Baptist House of Studies and Perkins School of Theology.

Here is my “Nevertheless She Preached” promo highlighting my love for Perkins at Wilshire, the church I love.

https://www.facebook.com/1043706966/posts/10224270892413658/https://www.facebook.com/1043706966/posts/10224270892413658/

These three incredible years at Perkins have changed me beyond what words can describe. I am more confident, polished, and in love with scripture and spirituality than I have ever been in my life. I am seeking approval less and less, but at the same time I treasure the encouragement and approval I do receive. We do need some! I am receiving feedback as building me up and not tearing me down now—this does go back to my childhood and needed to be healed. I am less triggered by bad theology these days, and that says a lot because it is really playing out badly in our public life. I am feeling whole and at home in my own body. I needed the Baptist House of Studies and I needed Perkins for this to happen. The people here are incredible. I would list them individually but I would miss somebody if I did and that would make me so sad. Every professor and every student have made a real impact in my life. I fall more in love with life every time I am with you. I will let the pictures d the talking for the rest of this post.

Woke up this morning to see that Abbott won his primary, Dan Patrick, too, and Paxton is going into a runoff with George P. Bush (never comforted by seeing a Bush name–and Paxton is a criminal who is under investigation, but for some reason is facing no consequences and gets to keep running for office–wonder why).

Y’all, this post is not a partisan post. I used to vote Republican in the past–by peer pressure mostly–but I honestly did not think it made much difference between R and D for the longest time, and I was not completely wrong–until now.

The thing is, we cannot ignore that Texas is an empire in and of itself. Baptizing a political party is straight out of the book of Rome who deified their emperors; we are doing it to a political party. Also, do not miss the fact that Texas is the 9th or 10th largest economy in the world. We are a global superpower and that is coming with all its contradictions, just like Rome when it became the first global city. It is wild to watch public school teachers vote Republican too. It is very much against their own interests. They are coming for public education.

I did my part to vote against these men who are causing real harm to human lives right here in Texas. The propositions on the Republican ballot made me sick too. How cruel and un-American those props were. We are living in a state that is actively empowering people to become vigilantes against their own neighbors–women and the trans community. That is straight out of a dictator’s playbook. These are the kind of rules I am opposing. We need better laws and systems in place to prevent this kind of behavior. People are falling to the level of the systems they follow.

I am not in despair. I know my faith has something to say in a time like this. I am part of a community working to educate and create resources to move in a different direction. I am writing this because it is time to tell the truth and to share that it does not have to be this way. I will not give up on us.

I have a million things to do but I also know the time I am living in. An unjust war has been waged on both Ukraine and our trans community right here in Texas. The silence of faith leaders on what is happening to our transgender children and their families is noticed. We are dealing with totalitarianism on both fronts. White Christian Nationalism is a deadly heresy and I am just beginning my research on it, but I can say right now that the belief in a holy war and the exclusion of the LGBTQIA+ community are both part of it. People who believe these ideologies are going to be extremely hard to reach, if not impossible. I was listening to an expert on a podcast say that the belief in end-time prophecies is an addiction and needs to be treated as such. It is a form of trauma.

So what I want to do is give a snippet of education to anyone who is interested in why I said our war mentality is coming from the Roman empire and not scripture. Not when scripture is read in its full context–who is the audience, what was happening at that time, and who is God in each story. The Jewish scripture is a meditation. It does not give us exact details on what was right and wrong. The silence is intentional. Scripture is meant to be meditated on night and day and for the person to search what they believe and talk about it within their community. There will be arguing and tension, but ultimately it is supposed to lead us to a deeper truth and revelation about the character of God. I also wrote this in my notes my first semester of my first year in seminary: “Interpretation is always a dialogue between what the text means in the past and where we are now. It is a conversation with the author back and forth.”

I do not want to spend too much time on the Hebrew Scriptures because I want to highlight how Rome is the one who made war holy, but I want to give a quick word as to why it is misguided when I hear people call the Old Testament violent but the New Testament is not. As Christians, it makes no sense to say that when we believe Jesus revealed the character of God in the flesh. Jesus chose the path of nonviolence in the midst of a violent Roman empire. This is who God is, and always has been. If we believe Jesus reveals who the God of Israel is in the flesh, then that was always true about God even before Jesus came. We can look at the scripture without the example of Jesus and see instances where people were going around an empire that believed death was good news. Here are just a few examples:

1. Shiphrah and Puah (Exodus 1:15-21) Egyptian midwives who saved the Hebrew babies by telling a ridiculous lie to Pharaoh. The scripture goes on to say that because these midwives feared God (this kind of fear meaning the beginning of wisdom) God gave them families. (This is clearly saying that God was on the side of life–and Egyptian women were faithful).
2. Moses’ mom who is not named until Exodus 6:20 (Jochebed), refused to let Moses die as a baby, so she did what she could to save him. (Exodus 2) Without this moment, there would be no Exodus.
3. Pharaoh’s daugher, also unnamed, who found Moses and knew he was one of the Hebrew babies and had pity on him. (Exodus 2)
4. Moses’ sister, Miriam, who goes to the Pharaoh’s daughter and works it out with her to let Moses’ mom, Jochebed, nurse him (Exodus 2).
5. What is not mentioned is why Pharaoh allowed his daughter to raise this Hebrew baby. This is another example of seeing how God is working between the lines where we do not normally look.

I want to highlight that in these scenarios it is the women who are going around the system and choosing life. Why are these stories not highlighted more in our studies? What about Proverbs 8 where wisdom is raising HER voice? And Wisdom’s part in creation (8:22-36). What I am saying is that it is really convenient for Christians who have not studied the Hebrew text in depth, where there is a lot of life to be found, to find only find the verses they need to justify war.

Yes, the Hebrew text does talk a lot about violence. Do we see a lot of violence in our lives too? Could this be history writing and Israel telling their story as they believe it to be true? It is remarkable work with many authors and stories, and stories that contradict–the redactors had no problem with that when putting the scripture together. I love the depth and the difference of perspectives, and sometimes changing the story because they people are living in a new era and are asking different questions. The way the kings are portrayed in 1 and 2 Kings is different than when we get to 1 and 2 Chronicles. There is too much to say, and I have already said more than I was going to. Now lets get to Rome.

Scripture from the outset is clearly anti-imperial work. There are few things I can say are clear about scripture, but this is one of them. Genesis 1 is a resistance poem of creation countering the Ancient Near East Babylonian creation story of warring gods. Where humans are the slaves to gods and Babylon is the ultimate city. Our scripture is resistance to Babylon. Empire-building is not the way of the one true God we serve or the answer to creation. This is why we cannot talk about the biblical stories without mentioning the empire that is ruling their lives.

The question was asked in my Baptist and Free Church Theology class if God was doing something different through the life of Jesus. Some of us came to the conclusion that Jesus revealed what was always true about God, but now we can see in the flesh what God is like. We can all have different ideas about atonement theology, there are so many ideas, but now that I am studying Romans and learning about Rome–and Jesus came during the Roman empire–I have some new thoughts running in my head.

I have learned through watching Mary Beard’s documentary Meet the Romans that Rome is the first global city, and it lived with all of the contradictions that comes with being global. Rome was not at odds with foreigners, they were at odds with resisters. It was a diverse place but not a tolerant place. Being Roman was not just an ethnicity but something you become. Because Rome grew so large it became a consumeristic society–this is how it started–needing poorer countries to provide them food to feed a huge population. The powers that be were not worried about the people’s welfare. They knew that a dissatisfied people were a dangerous people. There were benefits to becoming Roman–the ability to eat and move through the social classes more easily.

That background is really interesting when I read Romans now ,and when I think about the life of Christ in this context. Can we first give a shout out to Mother Mary? Without her there would be no Jesus. Mary is like the faithful women I mentioned earlier who said yes to life in a culture of death. The prophetic yes to answer the groaning of all creation. She got handled in saying yes too. She bore the shame, not Joseph, for her pregnancy. Got shamed by Jesus when she could not find him for three days when he stayed at the temple studying with the teachers, and she is left weeping at the cross because her son was being crucified by a society that did not like his resistance! I have no problem with any of this because I believe Jesus lived a human life and all that comes with it, and I believe he revealed who God is through his life that chose the path of nonviolence and spoke without apology encouraging enemy love. That came from his Jewish faith, not despite it. It was always true.

Rome was also creating their story through myth making. This is not unusual. Myths often reveal a deeper truth than facts ever can. History is a narrative. Everybody has a perspective but not all perspectives get told. What Rome did that is quite appalling, and we are still not over it, is create a mythology that led the people of Rome to believe they are descendants of the God of War. Read “The Aeneid of Virgil” (white supremacy beginnings?). Here is a quote by Virgil: Roman, remember by your strength to rule Earth’s peoples – for your arts are to be these: To pacify, to impose the rule of law, To spare the conquered, battle down the proud.” Manifest destiny was started by the Romans.

There is so much more to say, but I want to end with this. Caesar ruled Rome and was viewed as divine. His father Augustus was considered divine as well. The Roman coins had Caesar’s picture on it with the inscription “Son of God.” Jesus was being called Son of God is more than a spiritual statement; it was a political statement. The gospel of Mark picks right up on it at the beginning. Jesus, Son of God, is a counter-narrative to Caesar. Both were considered divine. One, who truly had power equal to God, emptied himself and died. But his life revealed that death did not get the final say. Jesus showed us the way to live in a massive empire that seeks to control and erase identities. The United States is the largest empire to date with the largest military presence worldwide. This needs reflection.

Here is a blog post I wrote in 2020 that talks more about “Son of God”:

https://wordpress.com/posts/lindsaybruehl.com?s=%22Son+of+God

I am in a preaching cohort that is changing my life right now. I am grateful I invested a few more dollars into my education to get this experience. Money is tight for us, and come May it is going to be even tighter—unless I get a job right away. But what this cohort is revealing to me, beyond some great tips on how to create a better sermon, is that I am being called at just the right time for me to preach. The reason I know this is true is because the statement was made that we are working towards getting away from explaining (something I am not all that great at anyway) and moving toward evoking an experience to allow people to have an experience of the Divine on their own. Show the people the character of God. The coach said this:

A sermon is an art form instead of a motivational speech. We are not trying to get something out of people, or trying to put something into people. We are guiding people into an experience to expand their hearts allowing them to experience the Divine or their own hearts and feelings more intimately.

How beautiful is that? I am a 4 on the enneagram and feelings are our jam. I know I drive people crazy wanting them to check in with their feelings and share them if they feel comfortable, but it is so important. Fours are not afraid of negative emotions. I also know it is really important to work on refining why we think the way we think. I have done a lot of work, and I still am, on clearly and concisely stating what I need/want to say in as few words as possible. We, as a society, do a lot of work academically, but not a whole lot of work in becoming emotionally mature and wise. A lot of people can state perfectly why they believe what they believe as a Christian and then turn around and act like a jerk. We are missing something in the transformational process of becoming.

I like how our coach emphasized that a sermon is not necessarily to teach. Teaching is important but it is hierarchical and transactional. In this cohort, we are learning how to evoke an experience of the divine for the listeners—not trying to extract or put anything into the listeners as I stated earlier.

I was able to give an example of what my husband is able to do as a public school teacher. He asks for the kids who struggle to learn math, or are unmotivated to learn. Unmotivated might be the dominate reason over struggle these days. Explaining and teaching will get him nowhere in this scenario. He tells stories and gives them real-life examples of why learning math is important. He also develops a relationship, friendship, with the kids. Without connection, nothing really means anything. And because Jake is teaching lower level math, he is free from the constraint of measuring his success based on a test (I have so many objections to standardized testing, but that is another post). He is free to not have to extract or put anything into the students. His goal is to liberate them from the fear of learning math and to enjoy it while they are at it. This is how I feel about my faith. I know some of the meanest people we encounter are Christian. I have had to do some deep soul searching to ask myself why I am defining myself as Christian still. The answer: because I have experienced the divine. I felt the Spirit asking me to stay. She wants me, and I belong to her. I am getting over my fear of learning about God, at least the fear of getting God right, and I am having a lot of fun experiencing God instead.

The struggle refines us. Math is good for all of us. We do not grow without some frustrational learning. This is also true for becoming more resilient as a human being. Healing ❤️‍🩹 is hard work, but it is good work. It is frustrating work, and it brings deep joy. My original generic sentence at the beginning of our meeting yesterday said justice is for everyone. That was challenged, and my next go round said this: justice is when our deep pain turns into a deep belly laugh. Big difference.

I also shared the experience of doing a cartwheel 🤸‍♀️ after chapel last week. It brought me so much joy and it returned me to myself. I had gotten disconnected from myself. I was surprised at the response from the cohort. They loved it. I also told them that I am learning the difference between authoritarianism and confidence. I have been told by several groups of people that I apologize too much. I have a voice and then I apologize. The coach said that the next time she thinks about apologizing she is going to imagine me cartwheeling. 😂.

It is funny. I really thought when I was done with gymnastics I would never look back and talk about it again, but I never let go of my cartwheels. I do one every time a moment feels holy. It brings me joy, and now I see it brings others joy too. We do not have to let go of what is real. Love is real. Rev. Dr. Jaime Clark-Soles even mentioned the gift of cartwheeling to raise the level of the party in her sermon last week. What a gift to find the people who appreciate you and your gifts exactly as you are. Nothing is ever wasted. God sees and is with us. Redemption is always at hand.

Praise God for that.

I am proud of myself for a lot of reasons. I have grown a lot (not physically, Ha!) and done the work to learn more about why people believe what they do and to heal from my own trauma. I am back in the world of church and soccer, albeit differently, and facing what I never thought I could face again–trusting a community and trying again. I am not doing it perfectly–trauma still shows up. I am so relieved knowing it is supposed to. Part of creating a safer environment is not to make it perfect but to make it safe. Where there is room for errors and room to grow. Mistakes are viewed as avenues for growth, not destruction.

I saw several friends from my past last night and talked to two of them. Gosh, there was once such a strong connection that is not there anymore, but love remains. I am healing from this loss that feels more present every time I am at a soccer game by listening to podcasts about friendship breakups. We have treated romantic relationship breakups as the only kind of hard breakup, but that is not true. The thing with romantic relationships, especially when married, we know more of the rules. You know when you are cheating on someone or stepping out in a way that is not honoring the person you are committed to. Friendship does not operate like that. There is no real universal definition of a friend, and trying to operate as friends with two different definitions of what that means will inevitably lead to chaos and heartbreak. And worst of all, we have had no language to express grief for that kind of loss.

Nothing I am doing is to spite my past. My past made me who I am and i love it all the more for that. I do not look back with anger anymore, I look back with a tenderness that can only be felt when you have gone through the anger and pain because you loved.

These systems we have created were never designed for us to stay friends. Club soccer has been a money-making machine and has no problem cutting people out of the system for the win. Most of the coaches are not even that highly trained to give the training that is needed and that is why they look for players who will give them the win to make them look good and keep their job. It is part of the empire-making process that leaves everyone homeless. This is why that Romans reading stuck out so much for me yesterday. That is exactly what is happening in so many systems.

I am looking forward to studying Romans as a homemaking letter in an empire that seeks to separate people and demand uniformity. We are natural home wreckers and this is a letter calling for reconciliation through Jesus Christ. Christ was the counter-narrative to Caesar. It is asking for a new way to live despite the empire. Defying a system that calls the bad news of eliminating people as good news and fears the power of friendship. A system that will throw you away when you do not play by the rules and cares not for your years of service or the deep care you gave in serving it.

This is why it is so hard for people to leave systems they know are wrong. The human need and desire to belong are so strong. We get comfortable eliminating what we know to be true to keep the peace (which is no peace at all) with the community. Too much can be lost if that truth is spoken.

I am proud that I am still here. I have felt the loss and have spent time laying in the rubble looking at the stars. What remains is what is true. This is why I got back up. The truth keeps me going. It keeps me believing there is life and another way despite the bad news of empire and how easy it is to fall into believing this is just the way it is.

Back in January of 2020, I wrote a blog post a bit upset Paul made it sound like Cephas was the first person to experience the risen Christ. It was the women first, Paul. Obviously, the gospels were not around when Paul wrote Corinthians, so it is hard to state a motivation here for not talking about the women who proclaimed Jesus’ resurrection, but I am kind of past that worry now. I am seeing something in a new light that I could not see before now.

I relate to Cephas, also known as Peter, because Peter had major anxiety and it shows in a lot of the stories written about him. Cephas is the Aramaic word for Rock. Jesus called Peter “Cephas” because he was the rock the εκκλησία, which means “calling out” or assembly in Greek, would be built upon. Peter would lead an assembly called out by Jesus. It is too early to call it a church at this point, even though a lot of our Bibles have translated it as church. That is true now.

Peter, Cephas, suffered from anxiety in a major way. You can see it all throughout scripture where he is mentioned. Right after Peter is told he is the rock the εκκλησία will be built on after Peter declaring Jesus as the Messiah, Peter then turns around and rebukes Jesus when he hears all the suffering Jesus will endure. That is not what Peter thought the Messiah would do. Jesus says: “Get behind me, Satan!” Peter after receiving the keys to the kingdom of heaven for knowing who Jesus is, is soon after called Satan for not understanding Jesus. He knew and then he did not know when his mind became concerned with human concerns instead of God’s concerns. Oof, I feel that.

It is important to note that Peter does not fall apart at this scolding. Satan, while not a nice or pleasant thing to be called, had a different connotation than how we have it defined as a culture right now. I am not going into that in this post, but I am mentioning it to highlight another point. Peter fell apart later and it was when he realized he had denied Jesus three times after the rooster crowed. This is in all four gospels, so this must have happened and is significant to the gospel story. So, in reading this passage, I am filled with compassion that Cephas is mentioned first. Also, in the gospel of Mark, the young man in white tells the women to go tell the disciples and Peter that he is going ahead of you. Why did Peter need to be named separately from the disciples? My guess is he needed encouragement. He needed to hear he was still included.

When George mentioned in his sermon today Christ was revealed to the hardest cases first—the people we are closest to—something in me shifted. Cephas, Peter, seemed to be revealing himself to me at this moment. I, too, suffer from anxiety and a severe case of feeling like I do not belong. I have spent so much time proving myself because I have experienced Jesus in a way that I have never felt before when everything seemed to be lost. But I, too, have lost my way being concerned with what humans are concerned with and not what God is concerned with once I recognized who Jesus is.

Coming to Wilshire, I was filled with so much pain. Some pain I knew about and some I did not. A lot I did not know. The little girl hiding in me finally got to feel her feelings that had been bottled up for so long to survive, because now she is safe. It is a process to live into that truth, though. Our bodies experience so much in the process of healing. It is a violent process. And the habit of looking out and calculating danger is so hard to stop doing. The walls need to come down or we cannot enter the reign of heaven.

I learned this week that I had one more enemy to face and learn how to not only NOT conquer, but to also love…

Michael W. Smith’s song “Friends” used to be one of my

Michael W. Smith’s song Friends used to be one of my favorite songs. Oh, I knew it was cheesy, but there was something about believing we had these deep friendships with people that could not be broken because we love God. That bonded us forever, right?

Wrong…..

2016 revealed to me the church did not care about me as a friend. When the sex tapes with the most vile words said by Trump were released and the church decided to remain silent, and even excuse it, I was done. We were not friends, and maybe we never were—not in the way I define a friend, at least. How did we land in such different places and both of us claim God as the Lord of our life? I am not a perfect person, but I can tell you—and my actions back this up—if tapes had been released that were that gross, derogatory, and violent towards men, I would have been loud in my opposition. No one talks or treats my friends that way. Why is this not reciprocated?

So I journeyed away from church for a while with a friend. We were both committed to the church, even though our worth as women was clearly stated as second class (complementarian church), and believed the church would not fail us in a moment as clearly visible as that. The veil was ripped from my eyes in this moment. While I have forgiven it, because I now see forgiveness as accepting that things are not going to be any different than they are, I also want to believe things can be different. I love what Ashley C. Ford has to say about forgiveness: I believe in forgiveness. I believe in second chances. And I believe real love requires accountability. If you love someone, you’ll let them take their lumps, learn their lesson, do better, and know you support their journey to healing and wholeness. You don’t just defend them and make the consequences go away.

Too many want to defend the church make the consequences go away. If we want to say we are unified as a church, then we are also unified in the ways the church has erred. To defend the institution over the wounded cuts even deeper than the original wound. People who have been wounded are treated more often with suspicion than belief, even by those who believe there is a problem. But there is this unqualified and unjust fear that the wounded are going to turn into the oppressors. That argument is spiritually wounding again to those who are trying to speak their truth. Can it happen? Sure. But I have talked to my therapist, and while abusers are often people who have been abused, the percentage of people in our society who are abused rarely go on to become abusers themselves. More often they are the healers.

In this post I am talking about institutional sin because it is the system creating this problem. Subordinating women in church was revealed to me as a capital S sin of the system—it is everywhere. Women’s experiences in scripture and in our current context matter very little to church and culture. Women’s experiences are secondary to the story, then and now. I say I am Baptist because of Martin Luther King Jr; well, I am also a Baptist because of Walter Rauschenbusch who MLK studied. Rauschenbusch, 1861-1918, believed it was time for institutions, not just individuals, to be converted and enter the kingdom. He was appalled at the amount of child poverty he witnessed in our country and the church was not responding.

I am at a place that has given me hope for the church again. But there is no place that is not feeling the effects of lost membership and people feeling disengaged from church. The major abuse scandals without accountability is part of the problem, but it is more than that too. I believe one reason is because so few people know what it means to be a friend. I was talking with a person that I had just met and she saw right into my heart of my words in a single moment. She said: You are right. We can enter a room with a bunch of people who are kind to us, but they also do not know us at all.

That is exactly the problem. The masks (not literal—the literal masks are a sign of friendship. Oh, the paradox) we have to wear to show up and be pleasing is taking a toll on our ability to connect as a community. People are not finding church to be a place they can be real and let people know who they really are. I also do not think this is intentional in places that are trying. I have been listening to podcasts and finding out very few people know what friendship means in our society. This is systemic.

Here are a few things I have learned, and I believe if we ingest these words this could change the trajectory the church is on:

From Brene Brown podcast, here are a few things I have learned about trust and betrayal.

1. Trust is built in little moments. If you say let’s go to lunch, then go to lunch. Do not say you will do anything you know you cannot fulfill, even when it sounds nice to say. You show your word is good when you follow through on the things time and again.
2. Betrayal happens in little moments too—it is not just the big church scandal that is betrayal. Betrayal happens in a moment that calls for connection and the connection does not happen.

Luvvie Ajayi Jones on Glennon Doyle’s podcast We Can Do Hard Things gives us some concrete examples of what it means to be a friend.

1. Friendship requires listening to and receiving vulnerable stories. There should be NO defensiveness from a friend when they are receiving your story.
2. Responsibility is tied to friendship. Being a friend is a commitment. It means you are going to show up when your friend needs you.
3. Friendship makes room for failure. There is no way you are not going to step on someone’s feelings. How do you make it safe for the person to trust you again? You make reparations. The problem is not the argument, but the lack of apologies that come after an argument. I love how she said this: I am sorry. I stepped outside of my integrity and made you feel unseen, unheard, and un-affirmed—maybe even unloved. Apologize for going too hard.
4. Recognize that when someone shares their story with you and you state their story back to them in a way that is unrecognizable to them, that is deep betrayal. Even if you get their story 1% wrong, it is still hurtful. It is the loneliest feeling for the person who shared their sacred story and find out it was not received, and they thought they were living in community.
5. A friend will never judge you with the worst intentions. They will know your short comings and guide you back to growth—not accuse you of possibly becoming the oppressor.
6. Luvvie says when she calls someone a friend she means it. There is responsibility and skin in the game for the well-being of the person she is in relationship with. Imagine if we treated our communities this way.

Maybe some of these ideas can help us truly live out the goal MWS had in mind when singing Friends. How would our theology and church structure change if we viewed God as a friend instead of this hierarchal deity we are trying to please?

I like this Adam Grant quote. This is true in friendship too.