I feel like I need to write more in-depth tonight because a lot is happening, and I feel it is important to be aware of some issues-namely: misogyny and homophobia.

The SBC drama is not going away, and it is getting worse in many ways. Beth Moore has released a blog post deleting or modifying some language she had regarding same-sex relationships in a prayer book she wrote in the past. Harm was done to children of God because of her language. She repented that it was a result of her exceeding scripture.

Growing up Beth Moore was life for me. I have said it before, and I will say it again: when she said she loved scripture; I believed her. She had life in her word that made so many of us want to listen without effort. I still love this woman, and the attacks coming her way are I why write. But, I also write to lift up my LGBTQIAPlus friends who are not benefitting from her words. This is a hard tension for me to live in, and I am going to go with the truth. The truth is Beth is in an abusive relationship with the SBC. I cannot state this more gently. Because of this, she cannot see how her words are continuing to oppress human lives that could really use her voice right now. Losing Rachel Held Evans was devastating for so many- especially the LGBTQIAplus community. I wish my voice would carry like Rachel’s-just so this community would know how much I love them, and I am for them.

Let me back up a minute. Growing up listening to Beth Moore, I actually never heard her talk about LBGTQIAplus community. I did not read many of her books. I did a couple of her studies and workbooks, and none of them talked about my friends. I had no idea she had written books that had hurt my friends. I also feel for Beth Moore grappling with the weight of her words, and what it has done to children of God. I can’t imagine how hard that is; although, the path I am on-I am going to find out. I wish she had paused for a minute before continuing her whole-hearted stance on marriage between a man and a woman when she was trying to apologize (at least I think she was trying to apologize) for her original harsh language she had written previously. People > theology.  Actually: loving people as they are is great theology.  If the life of people isn’t our theology; then we do not have good theology. I don’t see God making sure we had our stance on marriage right before we enter the kingdom of God. Honestly, I know that isn’t the case, because I have tasted the kingdom of God-and the LGBTQIAplus community is included. Glory!

But! Let me also say this: Beth Moore is the only damn person in the SBC trying to make amends for anything. She is apologizing, and the only one. I used to do this all the time too-not just in church, but in the workforce also. Complentarianism is rotten, and needs to be cast out. I had no idea until I left, and that is why I am holding grace for Beth. She won’t be able to see until she leaves. She is in a system much harsher than I was, and they are demanding uniformity. She has pushed the dial a lot for being in the system she is in. She is also trying to play by their rules, and they are still crucifying her. I wish she could see this is leading her to my friends. My friends are beautiful and loving and kind. They breathed life back into me when I thought I was going to be out of church forever. The LBGTQIAplus community sent me back to church. And my upbringing is nowhere near as oppressive as Beth’s system (I can’t state this enough-complentarianism on any level is oppressive). And the men who supposedly have Beth’s back are defending theology – not Beth. That is important to note.

I want to plead with people to listen. Your theology is not more important than human lives. Discrimination we allow in church plays out in public life. We can’t avoid it by trying to use the Bible to justify it. If we practice discrimination in church; then we will discriminate in public life. We should practice what we want to see in the world. If it is discrimination, then that is what we will see in the public square. Our faith is for the world, not from it- what does that mean to you? I ask myself this everyday.

Speaking up is hard. It is my privilege to be able to do so. Sometimes I feel alone – even in the world that loves me. I can’t live this life without speaking. Words breathed life back into me. Words made me realize I can love people as they are for who they are, and it is the greatest life I have ever known.

When I told Jake how lonely I feel sometimes, he reminded me of my theme song from Frozen, “Let it Go” – Jake said: “The cold never bothered me”.

Also, the friends I have made in the LGBTQIAplus community are everything to me. I wish everyone knew my friends. I am so protective of them because I love them so much. They are good to me, and they make me laugh and smile everyday.

Yesterday, I decided to challenge Dr. Michael L. Brown on Twitter, because he posted a harmful article that hurts my LBGTQIAPLUS siblings. He has a large following on Twitter, and claims to be a faith leader. His bio says: Jewish believer in Jesus; author; radio host; activist; professor; preacher; husband; father; grandfather. Newest book is: Jezebel’s War with America. Can I just say, his latest book will probably make me pull my hair out? Misogyny is screaming in that title. His tweets are less than gracious, and the tone of his followers reflects his tone. Our tone as leaders matters. Theology is life or death – in this world, not just the next.

Anyway, he was upset California wants to pass a bill, ACR 99, forbidding pastors from denouncing the LGBTQIAPLUS community. A measure to promote affirmation of a community that has been marginalized and hurt by the faith community. Of course he pulled the Religious Liberties are at stake.

I told him this bill is not government tyranny. Government tyranny is at our border. And this is a measure where government is doing its job. If the churches are not going to get it together, and a community suffers for it; then government will step in. Church needs a check just as much as the government does. And I told him his take on this is far more dangerous than government asking people to affirm the humanity of all. Religious Liberties is not for discrimination!

Of course I am met with thank you for my thoughts, and for writing as gently as possible (I did say I was writing as gently as I could), but God is our authority, and we can love people without having to affirm their lifestyle. Typical response, and his followers were excited to back him up. I asked if we could dialogue-and I knew it was a long shot – and as expected I could see no chance we were going to bear good fruit. I will say the conversation was never hateful towards me.

He was disappointed when I told him this was not going to be a fruitful dialogue. But then a lady responded backing him up, and she has a child active in that lifestyle (I hate when people say that lifestyle, but those were her words-I just call it love). This caught my attention. I asked her questions about why she thinks she has to choose between God’s word and her child. We talked a bit longer, but it bore no fruit either-but I hope someone who needed to know christians care saw this conversation. I hope this mother will consider her child does need her mom and dad’s affirmation-doesn’t look likely today. This is why it is important we challenge faith leaders. He is leading a mother to believe she has to reject her child in order to be faithful to God’s word.

Let me back up a bit. I have not always been affirming, but I have never been against either. I have had friends from this community for almost my whole life. I have been blessed by their friendship. The only reason I wasn’t affirming was because church doctrine was stuck in my head, but I was never told to reject-convert-or not be friends with them. Praise God for that. Justin Lee’s book, “Torn”, literally tore down the walls around my heart -and it was the best feeling ever. I wanted to stop saying: I love you, but….I am grateful they remained friends with me even then, and now I can repent and tell them I love them without reservation.

There was an episode of Chopped (HGTV ) that I watched a few years back. One of the cooks was a lesbian who basically was on the show hoping her parents would see her and be proud. They disconnected from her when she came out. When I witnessed her tears; I knew God was not asking us to do this. I wanted to reach out and hug her and tell her I love her. I am proud of her.

I wish I could have talked to the mother yesterday in person. I wanted to share stories like this with her, and tell her she doesn’t have to do this. Dr. Brown commented one time in our convo, and I asked him: What if you are wrong, Dr. Brown? No more comments.

The fruit of affirmation has been life. That is all I need to know, and my soul is free because of it. No one wants to hold back love. It is a prison. I wasn’t even as opposed as so many people are, and I could feel so much more freedom after Justin Lee’s book. I was affirming without question, and it felt so good to say it proudly. We are miserable withholding love. Love creates space. We don’t always have to understand. God can handle what we don’t know. We get to just Love God and Love People. Jesus made it easy for us.

The problem I was having discussing was due to everyone chiming in asking me about scripture. One thing I am not going to do-eve- is use scripture to prove God loves someone. I just know. And I was pissed when I had to witness, and I still do, men pulling out their Bibles trying to decide if God loves women-and how God uses us. Nope! That is not the life-giving breath of scripture. That is how you destroy a good word. Make God seem discriminatory.

Also, saying you don’t affirm stealing – or any other criminal act- as a lifestyle is not the same thing. Theft and vandalism are not who people are. R.C. Sprout compared women to vandals-saying our pain is leading us to want to be preachers, and it is secular values making us want these positions. Yuck! No. Please stop comparing human lives God adores to criminal acts.

Certainty of scripture is a drug, and that will always be our interpretation-the Bible is not clear on a lot of subjects. I could have used a lot of scripture to rebuke what they were saying, but this is where I will say Twitter is not the platform for that. I was only hoping to disrupt. I hope I did. We need to humanize people every chance we get. We need to hold faith leaders who are spreading harmful theology of people that literally kills them to account.

When I was down, scripture breathed life back into me, but not because I decided to obey. Scripture told me a love story. Jesus’s life was a counter-narrative to Caesar. He challenged doctrinal purity. He did not say scripture was not important, but we need wisdom. The story still moves and breathes. We are not dumping the old, but we are making room for new wine in new wineskins. We evolve. Transformation is essential to our faith. The Bible still speaks even now, and that is astounding to me. We need to have ears to hear the good story that is being told for EVERYBODY. If it isn’t good news for LGBTQIAPLUS – then it isn’t good news. Jesus’s life demonstrates it is good news for everybody.

 

 

 

 

 

When the question was posed: “What do you want from church?” I have been on a writing spree. I am glad this question was asked, because I have been spinning my wheels-and restless-trying to put into words what  has happened to me-and why it hurts so much. This week I have uncovered a lot of important issues that goes beyond what happened to me.

This morning I am home from church, and I am so sad about this. It is amazing to be in a place now that missing church makes me sad. This church (Wilshire Baptist Church, if you haven’t heard me talk about it. Ha!) is a lifeline for me-no matter how I am feeling. I woke up at 2:30 AM this morning, and could not go back to sleep until 5! I am so groggy -I would be worthless at church. I had to do yoga, a meditation, and clean house to get myself back to sleep. I think I am feeling stress about life changing – seminary, and I am going to apply for a program at the school I was avoiding. Dang, if I don’t try to run away all the time. I am committing to applying after I write this post. It also helps I got a personal invite that they are still waiting on me applying. 🙂 We all like to be invited personally, don’t we?

Yesterday, I wrote about “When the Game Changed” for me. I wrote it after I read two Facebook posts I had written when I was in a state of grief two years ago. What I find interesting is today I am reading a Facebook post I wrote a year ago about Julie Rogers telling us when she and her partner attend church, her pastor lights up. As a gay couple that is a big deal. They are not only accepted, but wanted. I wrote that I am feeling the same way. Not only did George reply that as my pastor what I am saying is true, but my dear friend Charles wrote as a member he feels the same way. I still choke up reading these words. Not only did I know what I was feeling was true-two men validated what I was saying is true. We talk a lot about “toxic” masculinity- this would be “healing” masculinity. George and Charles, thank you.

Isn’t it ironic that this message is the day after I read two posts that reminded me of grief yesterday? Through time and space comfort came the very next day through another Facebook post reminding me I have been comforted. The timing isn’t an accident, and this gives me chills.

Writing all of these posts this week has taken me on another journey. Questions I have been asking: “Why won’t people from my past, who once talked to me, talk to me anymore? I come in love, and they talk to haters.”, “What am I needing people to know?”, “What am I needing to know?” I got some good insight this week.

First of all, I realized I have been really hard on the girl I once was. I blamed a lot of this crap on her-and she never asked for any of this abuse. I feel like I needed to go back again and stand up for the girl I once was, and receive grace from her. She had been trying to live in peace and love this whole time, and was ripped to shreds in every aspect of her life. There was a lot of love too, don’t get me wrong; but the wounding is real. I haven’t even fully written about gymnastics – that is another wounding.

Remembering the abuse from my ex-boyfriend was revealing on so many levels. When I was in the midst of the abuse, I was not interested in listening to truth-tellers. The ability to tell myself another story-and get mad at friends-is something I used to feel shame about-but now I know that is what abused women do. Now I get why so many don’t want to talk to me who are still in the system; they don’t want to hear it. They won’t be able to see until they get out of the situation. So many of us think we are here to save the day too. I know I did. We are used to fighting, and think we have to fight for everything. To accept my call to ministry, I had to be gently prodded -but then I needed my past to come at me when I tried to run away. My fighting spirit makes me come back and say yes again and again. But, I am saying yes to a world that doesn’t make me fight for my place. I am treated so beautifully, and I want women -and anyone else mistreated by church-to know this is possible. We can receive without having to fight.

I am grateful for my friend Mike Phillips, who is a Twitter friend (former pastor-now a trauma and sex therapist) who is also helping me learn more about the psychology of all of this. We cannot see clearly until we are removed from the situation. I could not see until my relationship with my ex was no longer an option. That is when the veil was ripped from my eyes, and I mourned the real story. Being able to mourn and grieve led me to make a good decision when I dated and married Jake. I can say the same thing with church.

I guess this is why I am asking the church to lament. It isn’t just for me, but sometimes I wish even if it was just me that would be enough. But comfort came for me anyway, and I am in a world where men and women value me. I relate so much to the woman wiping oil on Jesus’s feet. Someone has seen you and thinks you are special-and they aren’t rebuking you for who you are. Who this woman is, the woman I am, is enough. Nothing in our life is wasted. Our life is part of the gospel story. The sin of Patriarchy is not our story. People’s ideas about our story is not our story. We are God’s delight.

It also means a lot to me that Cheryl Johns, my spiritual mother during the days I was down, read my post yesterday and encouraged me to keep walking ahead. Receiving a blessing like that from someone who guided me is everything to me. The ones who won’t talk to me – will talk to her. I get to move on and enjoy this new abundant life that has been given to me. Grateful. Joy. Dancing. Believing I can walk on water and Jesus will be there when I sink.

 

I have written about our Mutiny FC story, so I am not going to rehash too many things I have already written; but, new things are being discovered. As I read these two Facebook posts I wrote 2 years ago today-I have some thoughts:

I’m so extremely happy for Kimbo’s team!  They will always be her team. They all found wonderful places to land and will thrive.  What happened to her team was a bit of a fluke, but is becoming far too common for too many teams.
I want to make a statement as an insider even though I’m not a coach, but I work to build community to help make the soccer world a great place to be,  bc I love people even though I don’t know why. Although I do know why – bc there is good.
June in soccer is getting out of hand. Good people are getting beat up. Our kids yell things aren’t fair – well, look at the sports world. If we don’t watch it- good people won’t be left.
I think the sports world needs to really stop and think about what they are doing. We want what’s best for our kids. This isn’t it.
I’m not saying this bc of Kimbo’s team alone – I say this for countless teams getting hit. We don’t want to lose good people. They are hard to find these days in this world.

I also wrote this on the same day:

I want to say something I witnessed today in saying good-bye to a team that has meant so much to us over the years.  Our girls (parents, coach) care about each other – even in closing you see and feel the tears in person and online.  This team was truly special.  Just b/c it is no longer doesn’t mean it was unsuccessful.  It may be the most successful team I have ever seen.  I have never seen a team with a heart like theirs.  Coach Bryan King Jake Bruehl Kim Vitale We made a great run.  We are closing with nothing but love for one another.  We all grieve the loss of a beautiful team.  I pray more will think about this team as they move forward.  This is the team to learn from.

When I wrote these posts, I was in constant tears. I had given so much of myself to that team and it ended suddenly and without warning. It ended at the same time I was dealing with a tragedy on Blake’s team too. I was so overcome with grief. It sticks out to me that I wrote this: I want to make a statement as an insider even though I’m not a coach, but I work to build community to help make the soccer world a great place to be,  bc I love people even though I don’t know why.

I was so angry. I was constantly pouring myself into others, and it was being returned as shit.

But now I see this was the best thing for my soul. Nothing I gave was wasted. Rob Bell did a podcast on the woman who poured oil over Jesus, so much that oil was spilled all over the floor. The people watching were angered by her waste, and Jesus rebuked them. Nothing is wasted.

We worked hard to ask the outsiders to come and build a team. It was resistance to the Big Club scarcity mentality that is abusing families and their children. We did not need insiders, but those who wanted to come were welcome – and there were insiders who came. Jake was going to prove we are overlooking talent, and the soccer world is insane picking kids off of teams to build teams they don’t know how to create, because they aren’t good coaches-and believe there isn’t enough for everyone. So many coaches are getting by on kids that pick up on the game early, but fail to recognize those behind catch up. It is harder work, but way more rewarding – and less people feel left out-and we find diamonds in the rough. Plus, less burn-out. We aren’t going to play the “we got to play games all the time, and attend every tournament” – which is only money for big clubs.

Well, as the story goes, the outsiders become the insiders – and Kimberlyn’s team became like every other team; we had to win, and the joy was lost. The team that was a miracle to make, it almost seemed like it wouldn’t fail because our faith kept going, ended without warning. Probably the only way this team could end.

As I found myself on the ground hating humanity, Trump also got elected-and I was so done.

But the gospel story found me anyway. On Twitter Jonathan Martin and Cheryl Johns heard my cry, and they responded. I was shocked. They had something I had never heard before, and I loved it. And they took me seriously. I was not used to this. I had time to hear this good story now. And I could not get enough. This led me to listen to everyone: all denoms, atheists, other faiths, POC and their experience with church, women, ableism, etc. I could not believe what I was hearing. There was so much truth we need to piece together, and I wanted to participate this way.

I found out I had been an outsider – left out for 40 years in every area of my life. Now I am being invited to participate. And I am going to do it with the people who show up. It won’t be about growing the most – although, I hope the fruit does that on it’s own – it will be about faithfulness and listening. Staying open to others, keeps us open to the good work of Holy Spirit. Winning is over-rated. This is about living in abundance.

 

 

A month or two ago, a prominent faith leader in the SBC tweeted he would not take his grown daughter to the musical “Frozen”-because of a warning the Total Gospel Coalition (TGC) put out on the song “Let it Go”. This was written in 2014, but he thought it was still a good article in 2019. https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/trevin-wax/missing-the-point-of-frozens-let-it-go/. I laugh every time I read this, but it is a laughter that makes me want to scream too.

I had no idea how far churches were willing to go to hold women back. Even my own church I came from was making strides for women, but then it stopped. The line was drawn that women cannot hold a position as elder or preacher-full stop. I was angered by that even before I left. But I stayed a few more years, because I trusted my church. I loved my friends.

Despite my anger at this leader for posting about the dangers of the song “Let it Go”- it did send me over to listen to it again. It is a good song. This song is now my personal mantra. The only part I would change is – “You will never see me cry”. I can guarantee you that you will see me cry. Tears are holy. Tears are a gift. Tears have always gotten me back up off the floor.

Let me tell you a story about how I have been learning to let it go my whole life. I did not know this is what I have been doing, but now I am discovering this:

When I was in High School I dated someone who treated me horribly. He cheated on me all the time, and everyone knew it. I did too, but I told myself another story – and when people tried to tell me the truth; I got mad at them. He was verbally abusive to me too. I have a lot of tenderness towards faith leaders I am trying to talk to about the system they are in that is abusing them. They are mad at me instead. I get it. This is what abuse does to people.

Anyway, when I finally could not un-see what I had seen-I saw the cheating in public-I had to let go. I woke up in the middle of the night banging on my mom’s door saying I need help. She called a friend from church, and she came over to talk to me. She had experienced abuse as well, and talked to me all night. This is why I love church.

Then a friend, who was also experiencing a painful break-up, and I went out as friends. We drove around town and talked. (Every time I fall apart – God sends a friend. Every. Single. Time) I remember pulling into Sonic and looking in the rearview mirror and telling him: “I feel free now. I am not worried about what he is doing tonight, because it isn’t for me to worry about anymore”. I finally broke down and truly grieved. I accepted the story for what it was, and now I could work on healing. I did not know that was happening, but that is what was happening. I felt like a laughingstock at school, and I felt like a failure at church. It was a lot for a 17 year old girl.

I learned a lot. That experience led me to marry an amazing man. Jake treats me so good all the time. Our arguments are always hilarious – maybe not at the time- but not one hasn’t turned into a good story. We have a blast together, and our love for each other is mutual.

So, church. I wrote about the pain of work in a world made for men yesterday. I never connected the dots that church feeds that culture until 2015, when I saw church dismiss sexual assault and rape – racism and xenophobia too. I had always been upset with the treatment of LGBTQIAPLUS, but I thought we would get somewhere eventually because so many had kids who are gay – but that did not happen either. I remember falling apart and seeing no response from church. I could not breathe, and it was treated like something I had to get through on my own. I remember standing there thinking – I have to go. I can’t stay here. It was a grief I hadn’t felt in a long time. Someone had to tell me what it was that I was feeling.

The question gets asked: Would you rather be in a relationship that you love the other more than they love you? Or would you rather be the one that is loved more than you love the other.

Me: Both are bad! I don’t want either of those relationships.

Church that I had poured my heart and soul into – didn’t love me back. Once again, as with my ex in High School, there would be no tears for me.

The song lyrics of Faith Hill’s song “Cry” is how I felt walking out the door:

Could you cry a little? Lie just a little? Pretend that you’re feeling a little more pain? I gave, now I’m wanting something in return. So cry just a little for me. 

Well, now I have found a church that loves me. And it is a mutual relationship. This is the only kind of relationship to have. I have fought my whole life for everything-including my place in church. I don’t know how not to fight. The church I attend now is teaching me how to breathe. I walk in and it feels different. I feel abundance. I am encouraged without having to seek it out. They come and find me even.

Seeing people you had once loved with everything you had to give not care about your pain is a grief that cannot be described in words. I talked in my first post about what I want from church is lament. I found a great tweet to follow why lament is necessary:

“Today in teaching others, I was reminded how lament is resistance. Not being permitted to feel or express is dehumanizing. Lament makes space for us to be and therefore humanize even the most oppressed of us” – Esperanza Gene

Talking to George yesterday, I realized how much I have loved church my whole life. The smell of old churches is my favorite scent. I never thought about how we can realize our calling through all of our senses – including smell.

 

When I graduated college, I got a great job in the oil and gas industry right away as an accountant. I was a finance major – and I have zero interest in it-  but I knew I would get a job majoring in it anyway. I had lots of advice around me telling me this also. You know, because our real dreams are unrealistic. And I had no idea to even dream preacher – I am a woman and Church of Christ-that is not going to happen.

Anyway, my time in the industry was not great-but I made amazing friends. I was able to build community despite not liking my job. I had no idea the reason I did not like my job is because they weren’t going to let me like it. I was an easy target to blame if something did not go right. Everyone was afraid of getting something wrong; and of course, no one would take the blame. I was more than happy to take the blame, and they let me. One of my bosses used to say this: “We are short on talent, and long on employees”. He was saying we had no talent and there are too many of us with jobs. That is what I had to listen to all the time.

Our bowling league I created was so much fun though. I started it through our Corporate Challenge, and then we had a blast and kept it going for awhile – even with the boss who made comments like what I mentioned above. We had great fun together outside of work. He has even told me since I have left there hasn’t been another group like what we had. I am grateful I have received healing words as the final word from him.

My first job was under Venezuelan control too. Which gives me another perspective. I swear so much got packed in my short time in the business. Venezuela started replacing our leaders with their own. The first CEO was great. I loved Oswaldo. I miss him so much. He was light and life, and attended one of our bowling league games. But he did not last long before he was replaced, and the new guy was bad news. He brought us in a meeting and told us that people in India would work for $10/hr – we needed to be grateful. I was pissed. That was a racist remark, and I am so tired of powerful people thinking people do not need a living wage or a job. This is a problem everywhere. It wasn’t long before they decided to move us to Houston. Jake finished school, and we were going to stay in Tulsa- but Sachse called-and we do not refuse interviews.

When Jake and I moved to Sachse, I took another oil and gas job. This one treated me better personally, and funny enough, I became the birthday coordinator. Everyone seems to see I am social. I did not think I was at all.

I was pregnant with Kimberlyn pretty soon after taking the job, and they gave me the sweetest baby shower- they barely knew me. They even talked me into coming back to get my final bonus before deciding to stay home with Kimberlyn. So with all of this kindness said, they were sending jobs away to France. It is so funny to me knowing our politics now-with people screaming at political leaders because jobs are leaving – I want to say this: Corporations were doing this on their own! It has nothing to do with political leaders! And also, corporations were telling us how to vote. I have written about it here. Learning about Politics before I was political.

So, let me say this. I felt guilty staying home on a teacher’s salary. I knew we would struggle, and we do. But I could not live that life in oil and gas. Scarcity is the mentality. Racism and misogyny are rampant. While I wasn’t always treated horribly, I was never treated like I was great at anything other than getting people together either. Maybe because that was my passion and they saw that.

So now let me get to the point of this post, Dr. Russell Moore and Jerry Falwell Jr. Jerry is like Donald Trump to me. They are people I want to ignore because they are so obviously wrong, and their actions are so horrible- I thought it was obvious to christians. Holy Moly! Now that I have been invited to the table of Religious leaders- in a Baptist Church (I am watching you Dr. Moore and Jerry – you don’t own the title Christian or Baptist) I see church is running just like the oil and gas industry, and soccer too; here is my story about that It is OK to slow down- YOUTH SPORTS!.

I never planned to go into ministry-Furthest thing from my mind. I tried to run from Trump and Falwell, but I can’t. I see leaders like Russell Moore, who seems harmless – but he feeds these guys. Russell is my past. He is nice, but his policies and views on women and LGBTQIAPLUS are anything but nice. I can’t sit back and watch people like him own a narrative that needs to die. Christianity is better than this. We can’t tell the difference between a businessman and a christian – while you can be both-you can’t serve both equally. You have to pick one. Jerry has blatantly with his words and his life picked his master. That doesn’t mean it can’t change. But he runs a christian university- Baylor, I am looking at you also. This matters.

Russell Moore is different. While I would not say he is serving money – at least he doesn’t know it, but this is the spirit he operates under says we serve money –2000 Baptist Faith and Message Statement. Jesus has been taken out as the lens they view scripture, and our colleges and churches have followed suit. I have more I want to say. This is just the beginning.

Also, I love being at the Table. I love theology so much when we connect it to public life. Our faith actually means something more than waiting for the next life. We can’t taste that life now. I am on fire for this. Grateful for the men of my church who saw this in me.

 

A really important question was asked of me the other night: What do you want from church?

This question was asked in regards to my past experience. I can write about this now because I am in a good place. I am at a church that values me. I love them with every ounce of love I have inside me – and the weird thing is; my love can keep growing – it is not limited to what I feel today.

Mark Charles was recently on PantSuit Politics. He is an independent running for president, and he is also Native American. The Native American part is especially important to me, because my husband is Native American – so are our children. We have never leaned into what that means. Jake’s family has been colonized, and I am going to write more about that in another post. I bring this up because what Mark says to America is what I want to say to the American church. We need to go into lament.

When I fell apart, I had to lament for a good while before I could do anything to repair what had broken inside of me. I went down mad, and I had every right to be mad. I had given my heart and soul, and was completely taken advantage of and crushed in a way that should make us all cry. Not because I was hurt, but for the system that allowed this to happen. Although, sometimes I wish people would cry for me too. Why are we treated as selfish because we want people to feel our pain – not to go down with us, but to be a friend? Let me know this pain is real, and I should feel pain, because this damn well does hurt. I don’t need this anymore, because I found a church that does do this. (But I continue to speak, because too many haven’t found this church). This church has healed wounds I did not even know I had. The power of church is when we can own our story without shame, and now use our story as part of the redeeming work of Christ.

When I found no comfort in church-but was finding it on Twitter-I knew something was up. I am not blaming church for what we did not know – I did not know. All I know is when I got back up, because I learned the Bible is half lament, I could not go back. I tried to fit back into the soccer-world and church-world; I could not. Who I had become could no longer compromise on things that are not to be compromised on. “Both sides” argument can have devastating results; think Charlottesville. We continue to push away those who mourn by catering to the powerful-the ones with money or influence. We don’t want to lose.

I cried out: “Where are the brave faith leaders? The ones willing to take the fall for the gospel? I see them on TV (Rev. Barber (not televangelists))- I hear them on Twitter; where are they in my everyday life?”

Moxie Matter Tour happens – The Journey to Wilshire. I found it! What shocked me when I arrived was the invitation to join the brave leaders, and take some falls with them-but this time these leaders have my back. The fall will be cushioned. What?! I did not come for this.

I want churches around me to lament and listen. Continuing to have hierarchies (and exclusion) only causes harm. My #MeToo story is not unique, #MeToo #Silence #Church, but even if it was- I wish the church would express their grief it happened. Watching the SBC taking on their massive abuse with zero remorse and repentance is so painful. It continues to reveal what I have known to be true; the church overall doesn’t care. When we ignore the Bible as half lament, we miss half the story. If we can’t feel pain – we don’t feel joy either. We chug along trying to do business, but completely miss the people around us who are weeping.

I heard a story that breathed life into me. It is from the Bible too. The same book many are using to oppress, I have found joy and inclusion. I thought I was receiving my own healing, but turns out I have now feel this wonderful responsibility to share this story. This one gives life, and gives room for pain. We can walk side-by-side through joy and pain. I did not need my pain fixed. I needed a friend. God sent me so many. I have never felt so loved in my life.

I shared on Twitter last night that I am so glad I found a church that doesn’t make me fight for my place at the table. I was lovingly invited without trying to prove my worth. George is constantly telling me, “You don’t have to do or say anything to prove anything to us. You are in”. I have never been told that in my life. My whole life has been striving to prove my worth: gymnastics, school, college, my job, the soccer world, church. Now I am at a church telling me to slow down. I am worthy as I am. Join our chorus. You aren’t fighting for limited space here.

Can you imagine if I stayed where I was? What if I stayed and fought – and got a seat at the Table – but then had to deal with the resentment from those who don’t want me there. This is why I speak. I don’t think church should be a place we have to fight for our seat at the Table.

When I shared this on Twitter I got some deep responses. A friend reached out and asked me if I recommend the difficulty of finding a new church to everyone. That is a great question. It was taxing finding a new church. I don’t think the burden should be on the one who mourns to have to do the work. Church should be this place already. This is why I speak – and also why I am going to seminary. I am hearing too many saying they feel emotionally healthier outside of church.

I am going to write this piece and then take a break for awhile. I have been taking on a lot of pain lately. What many of my friends do not know is how closely I have been watching the SBC on Twitter. I have been investigating, because the amount of abuse that has come out of their organization (as well as the Catholic Church) should have us on our knees in mourning, but it isn’t happening. Abuse apathy is something I noticed in church in 2016, and what almost sent me away from church forever.

Something that has bothered me in church is our inability to go all in with the truth. We think there are always two sides, and if we are angry then we are unforgiving and not extending grace-or we may become what we fear. I agree all of this can happen, but let me tell you this – I am not worried about that for me because my focus is on my faith in Jesus Christ, not being right. If I err, I am more than willing to apologize. I have laid myself out there to make mistakes, but I have also built a reputation of one who is seeking truth. I am not looking to tear down because my feelings were hurt. I worked years through my pain to get to this point.

There are some things I am going to work on in my break. I am going to explore ways I can call out abuse in organizations without making generalizations. What I would like from my friends who know me is to explore maybe untangling ourselves as being accused because we were-or are- a part of that organization. I lament church all the time, but I am still a part of her. I believe in her, and I know who she could be. I will call her into account when she is harming people. In the same way I expect to be called into account if I am causing harm. That is what living in community is all about. But I hope that we are more of encouragement than calling into account people. That is another downside to church in America as well. We do not build people up. Wilshire is the first place I have experienced such encouragement.

The SBC – we cannot overlook it. What they have done is organized crime. This doesn’t mean nothing good is coming out of the SBC, nor that lots of good has come out in the past. Of course good has come. The Bible is full of problematic stories, but love still finds a way. But right now the SBC is in a state we should not be defending in any way. And those a part of the SBC – I am asking you to call this organization into account. We aren’t calling out people, but powers and principalities. Women, children and men have suffered so much abuse. Abusers were moved around from church to church – using church autonomy as a way to avoid accountability. It was a good-ole-boy system. Loyalty got you everywhere. If churches affirmed women or gay preachers – church autonomy was not ok. They have a creed called the BFM2K in place to call everyone to uniformity in these cases.

Calling out crime doesn’t negate all the good that has happened. I am going to say this again. But Spirit isn’t having it anymore. The SBC convention proved they are not taking the abuse seriously. Their language on women and LGBTQIAPLUS is getting worse. They used a gavel to open the convention that was a gift from a slaveholder. And they have not appointed a minority leader yet. Plus, the BFM2K does not have Jesus as the hermeneutic (lens to read scripture), and they are calling themselves a christian organization. They have made Jesus a mascot, and that mascot is hurting people. We need to be aware of what is happening in our faith when people say they are hurt, but we see the abuser get the benefit of the doubt time and time again. Once again, I am calling out power and principality – not people. I believe tons of faithful people are in this organization. I can’t say that enough. Many are my dearest friends.

Many are unaware how rare it is to hear a woman’s pain spoken in church. This is why Wilshire was a balm to my soul. My pain mattered.

We cannot reconcile if there is no repentance. The Jewish faith has helped me understand christianity’s weak posture on repentance. I am going to link Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg’s article explaining repentance from a Jewish tradition. Christianity (and I hate to make generalizations, but what do you do when this seems to be the overall experience of the masses) tends to skip right to forgiveness. The one who does harm gets a pass, and the harmed continues to hurt – and their pain gets re-traumatized by the church not weeping with them/us. “You just need to forgive” “He did not mean it that way” “This happens everywhere”…the list goes on. These are hurtful statements people who have experienced abuse hear.

I know we are still in the infant stage of christianity. Our faith isn’t that old. This is why drawing from other faith traditions would be wise. We have a problem in our family, and we need outside help.

There is no reconciliation without repentance.

https://www.mprnews.org/story/2019/06/04/women-of-faith-danya-ruttenberg

I have tried to write another blog post over and over. Words keep failing me even though I have a thousand thoughts I want to write down, but I can’t seem to type anything of substance. The past two posts (Why Can’t We Be Friends? 2000 Baptist Faith and Message Statement) have taken so much out of me, and I haven’t had anything more to give – other than Facebook posts or tweets. I think I am now on empty.

The SBC continues on without remorse. Oh, words of anger might be said, but the actual heartbreak isn ‘t happening-and doesn’t appear to be happening anytime soon. The lack of feelings from everyone hurts me the most. The BFM 2000 brought to light what the actual problem is, and I have been a mad woman trying to share it with anyone who will read it. I got get Pete Enns to read it! And he commented that I did a great job- and I am doing exactly what needs to be done. That is huge! Pete is a big deal to me. “The Bible Tells Me So” is a book that drastically changed my outlook on life. Turned night to day. God is good all the time. And that phrase doesn’t feel like a cliche now. I believe those words. I bought ten of his books (I had no money to do this), and I passed them out to anyone who would read them. It was life or death for me.

Marlena Proper Deida Ramos Graves, a Latina Professor, author and missionary to Am. Church also reached out to me. She told me that she saw me. She said God sees me. She said maybe I needed to know God saw me by her letting me know she sees me. This gave me fuel I desperately needed. She is a beautiful soul you need to know. Tender, kind, honest and full of all the love in the world. I am grateful to know her on Twitter. She told me to keep speaking. It may take years, but shunned voices are heard eventually. She has seen voices that seemed to be winning fall unexpectedly.

I have shared the BFM 2000 blog post I wrote over and over with so many people. This is not something I normally do. It was scary for me to do, actually. David Dark, an author – professor- and justice-fighter, taught me persistence. When you see something as a gospel issue, then don’t stop until they listen. It is a gospel issue to me, because we are trying to argue faithfully as christians with an organization claiming christianity and do not have Jesus as their lens for scripture (hermeneutics). Jesus is the whole point of the gospels for crying out loud. I am listening to people say the SBC situation seems demonic – it is. It is the highjacking of a faith organization for power. Getting people to listen is really hard. We have to adjust our approach.

I don’t know what needs to be done knowing this, but I know trying to argue Jesus is failing. All they can say is Paul and Timothy’s names. No amount of pain or abuse is working either. They are still making sure women can’t preach. Even the ones kind of fighting for women’s voices are doing so because Beth Moore is a big name. I doubt they would be moved otherwise. I want them to prove me wrong. But even with Beth, their arguments fall flat. Not bold enough. They are still treating us like children needing their approval to preach. I am over it.

Al Mohler said he never thought he’d see the day outside forces would go after them on complementarianism.  Well, Al, I never thought I would see the day I would have to fight my own faith for my right to exist fully in the faith community-and that my pain matters. I am still grappling with this. (Thank God for Wilshire Baptist Church). Here is another thing, Al, my freedom came by accident. I left where I was because I could see exclusion of anyone was demonic. Turns out I wasn’t free either. I could not see. I was so overtaken by the narrative, and could not feel the oppression-until I fell apart. I had to ask someone what was wrong with me when I could not feel ok anymore. I could not insert myself back in either world I was in previously – soccer or church. I felt weird all the time. A former pastor told me I was grieving. I had no idea what that was.

I pray the SBC falls apart. Not out of revenge, or any malicious feeling – but because I want the SBC to find love. Love is at the bottom. Go through the pain. Stop trying to fight your way through something that is dying. Sackcloth is needed right now. We don’t need warriors fighting through this terror. We need tears and prayers. I don’t know what else to say. I am going to weep for the SBC, I guess.

http://www.sbc.net/bfm2000/preamble.asp

A few months ago, I saw Beth Moore and Denny Burke have a disagreement on Twitter. I saw Denny responded to Beth-who was telling him they went too far (including herself) in holding women back in the SBC-that he believed in the Baptist 2000 and Danvers Statements. This peaked my curiosity. I knew I was going to be horrified, so what helped me was thinking of the Baptist 2000 as a Super Baptist. I had Tim “the Tool Man” Taylor (Tim Allen on Home Improvement) running through my head grunting and saying, “Baptist 2000-More power!” Turns out, my imagination wasn’t too far off- unfortunately.

I have included the Preamble in the link above. It reveals why SBC seems more like disciples of capitalism vs Jesus Christ. Writing things down really helps to clarify things. They are living this message, and I am glad they have a provision in there that they can revise their statement of faith as it seems wise and expedient at any time.  Oh! Oh! Oh! I’ve got my hand up SBC. Now! Now is a good time. This statement is really bad, and I can’t believe you got away with your sin of eliminating this sentence from the 1963 version: “The criterion by which the Bible is to be interpreted is Jesus Christ”. You literally took out Jesus. Which you had to do to make this statement. Jesus is not a part of this.

I want to highlight a few things about this statement in this post. First, the arrogance and falseness of this message right here:

Our confession of faith are rooted in historical precedent, as the church in every age has been called upon to define and defend its beliefs. Each generation of Christians bears the responsibility of guarding the treasury of truth that has been entrusted to us (2 Timothy 1:14). 

Treasury of truth? The truth is a bank account that has to be guarded? No sirs! (And I have to say sirs because women don’t have a seat at your table). The truth is freely given and poured out to everyone anointed by the Holy Spirit. You are not the appointed gatekeepers.

And since when do we guard the truth?! If we are filled with the truth, why aren’t we out there living it so everyone will know who is in us and want to glorify our Lord too? (Matthew 5:16). Notice people will want to join the flock when they see our good deeds, not when we guard it in a vault.  Our lives must be a reflection of our faith, or it is dead religion.

Also, “defend beliefs”, please stop. You are not here to defend your beliefs. You are here to defend the sheep. People > beliefs. Jesus said: Feed my sheep (John 21:17) No one cares about your defense. We want food. And eventually, the sheep become shepherds too. We are not to stay on top. My pastor, George Mason – who wants to me to be an ordained Baptist minister, gave me the best quote: The trajectory of the gospel is to see eye to eye. Isn’t that lovely? He wasn’t letting me see him as a giant. He called me friend. He is not the least bit worried about me joining him in the work. Neither are countless other men in my church – of all ages. I am quite stunned. I have been complimentarian for 40 years. I had no idea the damage it was doing to me. It damages men and children too. No one wins in patriarchy.

Your message is so fear-mongering. Stop with the truth is under attack. It is not. We are not persecuted. Not even close. People are hungering and thirsting for the truth, and you are guarding it in a vault. It doesn’t have to be this way. And we could be a help to other nations where the truth truly is under attack. The goal is not persecution – it is freedom. No “us vs them” theology. It is evil. I truly believe the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil is when humans decided they get to decide what is right and what is wrong. We can live in harmony and not understand why others are they way they are. We can ask questions and listen. Listening changed my life. The Hebrew word for obey, I learned from a Rabbi should have been translated to diligently listen. That changes the tone. We only need to intervene when someone is harmed.

Baptist history has an aversion to creeds. But you have made this a creed. You de-emphasized soul competency to making everyone accountable under the word of God. You have made this doctrinal accountability- which will trump soul accountability. This is what you wanted, and we see you now.

Dr. Hobbs warning to you about all of this is playing out now. You have used this creed (because that is what this message is) to get people out that are a threat to your power-churches, universities, etc. This statement is written under the influence of Paige Patterson as your President! That matters. He is a known abuser. He counseled women to stay in abusive relationships, and has made inappropriate remarks about underage girls. Inappropriate remarks are wrong at any age, but we are talking a minor here. Your church is overflowing with abuse against women and children, and this message created the environment for that to happen.

You should be in sackcloth, SBC!

Lets talk Beth Moore and what you are doing to her. This woman, who I do not agree with a lot on theology, saved my faith in my early days. She is the only pastor (and she is a pastor-it makes you so jealous you can’t see straight) I heard that I truly believed loved Scripture. Scripture gave her life, not rules to make me feel awful about myself. You are abusing her because she preached one sermon on Sunday morning. And honestly, you have always abused her. The Holy Spirit isn’t having it anymore. You take advantage of people who are vulnerable. You aren’t answering the call to any woman who is hurt. Your obsession on women in the priesthood being forbidden is a sin, and a betrayal of the highest order. You know your theology is creating this mess, and you are trying so hard to make it not so – including sacrificing women and children. By the way, you are sacrificing men too. This message is hurting men too.

I researched this Baptist 2000 statement more in depth after I saw Beth having to prove to you she was within the BFM standards. Gross. Also, RC Sproul comparing women having a role in church to vandals who commit crime because of their pain…I have no good words to say, so please let that sink in. I was so traumatized by his message. The strong men being in control of us, and reducing our pain like we are children-and only wanting a role because we are trying to steal a man’s position because of our pain.

Capitalism is killing us. Your statement is capitalist-driven. It is fear-based and believes in scarcity.

SBC – we serve a God of abundance. A God who freely shares. A God who has enough love for all.  I will see you in the pulpit one day, and I hope by then we are friends. You can turn this around. It doesn’t have to be this way. We are better together.