Grief

Grief hits me harder at night. It didn’t help learning of Eddie Sutton’s passing last night as I am still processing the grief of losing one of my dearest friends and family-member-through-marriage, Father Joe-Ted Miller. I have also lost Kenny Rogers during this pandemic too. That may seem smaller, and in the grand scheme to me it is, but he was the love of my life as a child. I can’t explain why a 5 year old feels that way. His music always soothed me.
What is even harder is not being able to be with family. No hugs and tears together in person for a life we loved so much together. And I know this is not a unique situation to our family. But it really does hurt. I can’t be with my church family either.
I don’t know when it will be safe to hug again. I could really use one. But right now I have a cold. I am not really hugging my own family right now b/c I don’t want to give them this cold I have.
And sitting outside at night in a time of quarantine takes me back to when I was grieving the loss of what once was the first time. I am going to work on being aware of this b/c it might be triggering me in ways that I need to make changes based on time of day outside. But it feels so good outside. And I can’t go anywhere but my backyard with this cold.
You know before the quarantine, I was starting to trust where I was in a way that I didn’t need constant reminding that I am loved and safe now. I got to be with the people who are so good to me, and great things were happening. And it will again, I have no doubt. But this past and present meeting like this now makes me have to work harder to remember. I am extremely grateful to be talking to a therapist now. I have only had one session, but it has revealed so much and she has affirmed me in ways that I did not know needed healing.
I felt I should write this b/c I know it is a trying time. This is a shared pain we can journey through together and get to the joy that is coming. That doesn’t mean pain is gone – we are not done on this side of Heaven and we will have to face what hurts. Together we can do this.
I was listening to Jen Hatmaker’s book last night and she said this:
When we have a crew, they have an unbelievable effect on our wholeness.
I can testify to this.

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