I have recently learned I am an empath. I feel the weight of the world-both joy and pain-intensely. This helps me understand why I am struggling in a world that doesn’t like to feel. I hear people worrying about people who are falling apart right now, and we definitely should be checking on them and sitting with them, but I don’t think we are the ones to worry about the most. I am most worried about the unfeeling friends.

After my cry for help on Friday, and Jonathan answered my call and spoke truth to me, the next day I started seeing our President in a new way. This is not to excuse his cruelty. It is inexcusable, and must be stopped. But I know he has gone through childhood trauma. This is the empath in me feeling for a man who is so broken and has not gotten what he needed, and still isn’t getting what he needs. This trauma has left him without any ability to feel outside of himself. In Mary Trump’s book, Too Much and Never Enough, we see the makings of childhood abuse through that philosophy-and it is America’s way of life. This is most likely why Trump appeals to so many. He is not an island. Childhood trauma, well, trauma in general, should be on our radar now. We’ve been living our lives by measuring our worth by what we produce, not who we are as humans. This has affected our mental health in tragic ways. It is leaving us with no empathy for our neighbor, because we are trying to conquer our neighbor–instead of using our gifts to lift our neighbor out of the depths. I am hearing Grumpy Bear from Care-a-Lot looking at the Caring Meter and shouting, “The Caring Meter is down!”

The Care Bears are some of my greatest teachers when it comes to feelings. I want to share how they have guided me, and why I believe they are talking to us now through modern day prophets.

Care Bears were my favorite growing up. They still are. They were a source of comfort for me when life was un”bear”ably hard for my young self. I slept with a whole pile of Care Bears bears, and my light was on every night. I had a lot of fears. I also had a Care Bear record that would play lullaby music for me. I remember Bedtime Bear singing this to me: Snuggle up, and sleep tight, there’s a Care Bear to watch you. All the noise is at night are the moon and the stars. I also imagined Heaven to be a lot like Care-a-Lot. Sliding on rainbows is something I am planning on doing one day-my dream .

I still remember this like yesterday. They were grounding for me then, and they are grounding for me now.

I loved the Care Bears didn’t avoid the pain of life, because I felt deep pain. They would talk to the children they were sent to care for about their feelings. They stayed by their side and made them feel safe. The oppressor they were near also, but differently. They kept the one who was harmed separate from the one causing harm, until there was complete healing. I have written this before, but I feel it needs to be said again. When the one causing harm was not being reached by normal methods, the bears called on all the Care Bears, with all of their unique gifts (displayed on their bellies), to come together and use those unique gifts in a Care Bear Stare to cast out the principality that had overtaken the person. It took everyone; not just a few-all. Later they got even more help when they called on the Cousins. The Cousins didn’t Stare, they Called. The more that come together to fight for caring, with all of our differences (not despite our differences, but because of our differences), the better the chance we have to free the oppressed and the oppressor to live as one. That truly is the vision for the Garden of God.

But even when I think of Trump, and the lack of empathy that plagues our nation, I arrive at this: the oppressor isn’t the biggest threat to our socity. Trump is a threat because he holds the highest office, and we must vote him out, and address the principality that created him. But the principality that created him are not in the majority, it was allowed free reign by those wanting to remain neutral. Those who don’t want to have to care about the problems because it is either too much, or too uncomfortable. But I am here to say that caring deeply about people is the only way to find life.

Reading Ibram X. Kendi’s “Hot to Be an Antiracist” is giving me language I have needed to help explain why we need to start using feeling language, in addition to our academic language. What I mean is knowing what the problem is, but not feeling it, will land us in the same unsafe space. The example he gave was when he was in grade school and so tired of all the language in class and chapel that dehumanized him. He decided one day in chapel he would not leave the pew and return to class. This makes his teacher angry, and punishment follows. I love the idea he presents of how different this situation would have been for his emotional health, and the teacher’s learning, if she had asked: What is wrong?

That is a caring question. That is a question that opens up the avenue to healing and learning. More curiosity and less punishing. We absolutely still need to learn the definitions and what is happening to course correct, but we need to go to the emotional depths too. Punishment is an uncreative answer to our problems. Not saying we can avoid it completely, but we don’t need to be the most highly incarcerated nation in the world with for-profit prisons and under-funded schools are the pipeline to filling those prisons.

If we want the caring meter to go back up, we have to become fully human. This means we have to feel some uncomfortable feelings. It is okay. Feelings are good teachers. Fear cannot rule our hearts. People are dying because of fear. Love is creative. Love is the only way to truly feel alive. Love keeps us open to learning and hearing our friends when they are hurt. Our individualism and lack of friendship has made this pandemic unbearably hard. Lets carry the cross together. This is the way the Care Bears faced the most impossible situations.

Here’s my baby Bedtime Bear. Kimberlyn, 2006

Yesterday, August 1, 2020, I saw a tweet asking about narcissism and how it relates to trauma. I do believe narcissists are people who carry deep pain, and we do need a better understanding of their mind, but there are a lot of people traumatized who do not become narcissists. But they (the narcissists) get the attention because they are the ones wreaking havoc.

I responded to the tweet and gave other possible reasons people become narcissists: we created a narcissistic God; we tie our dignity to our work and winning, and not for just being us as Mr. Rogers taught so many of us; and the list could keep going. The response I received was kind, but also sort of called me out for the “not all” statement, which is fair. So I responded more in-depth to make my argument more clear and less dismissive of something that is real and needs to be studied.

I shared with the people on the thread why this subject is important to me. I have been at the mercy of narcissists my whole life. I have been traumatized by them, and it happened in childhood. They are human to me, and I love them, but I can’t be around them. They have fooled me so many times, and I am done. I was a gymnast and shamed in ways I don’t want to write any more about at this time. It was really bad, and it is something I haven’t overcome when I receive encouragement or criticism. The encouragement I always question because there has always been a “but”. My very first meet with an outstanding 8.5 on floor, my coach saw that score as a gift I should not get used to, but my 6.5 on beam totally deserved; no way to explain it away with poor judging. It taught me that my accomplishments are not safe, but my failures are real. This is just one example of many. Also, at home if I messed up, even if there were natural consequences already, that wasn’t enough. I was taught to feel even worse about it to make sure I was really learning. It crushed me. But I am not a narcissist. It has made me a fierce advocate for those who are beat down too.

The friends on the thread heard me, and cared deeply about my story. Our personal experience explains a lot in how we respond to situations. We need to keep this in mind when we talk to each other, especially when we don’t understand. I’m Telling myself this. We need to also study the affects of childhood trauma from dealing with narcissists too. In some ways, I think the trauma to the brain is similar, but comes out differently. We never believe we matter. I believe this is why, as a 4 on the enneagram, I’m so upset when my motives are questioned. When I was fighting so hard for children in soccer, and the response back to me was I only cared about the club-that’s devastating. And as a 4, who already struggles with self-worth, that’s more trauma to the brain. That’s what you think of me? I still can’t get over it. We are going to do a lot more EMDR therapy because I keep going back to soccer and gymnastics.

I wrote my blog post, A closer look at the story of Judas, to address abuser and abused relationship. The victim get overlooked. I am sure the abuser is a victim too, but I think shifting our focus could help them too. The attention feeds their narcissism, and victims are always waiting for their day to feel like their experience matters too. Judas is an example of letting a known abuser in, and Jesus was killed. This does not mean Judas or narcissists do not need help. I am raising awareness for the ones who are assaulted by their pain, and our experience is either ignored or glorified. We need to say Jesus was killed instead of he gave his life away. Let us not glorify abuse. I think salvation came from learning what happened was wrong, and changing our ways. We are killing the people (including innocent people) to worship mammon and the way of life as we know it.

There are certain aspects of a narcissist I can relate to: one is the constant need for validation. But we need the validation for different reasons. My world has never been safe in regards to receiving love and trusting it is there no matter what: living through divorce, gymnastics, ex-boyfriend, college friends that abused me, working in the oil and gas industry, soccer-world, and our politics have traumatized my brain in ways that is requiring the need to rewire my brain. EMDR therapy is changing my life. I am telling myself the truth about myself all throughout my life now. I am a pretty great human being who has always cared deeply and wanted to do the right thing.

Also helping heal my brain and heart are the people in my life now really love me, and have let me hang on tightly to them while I learn to trust they aren’t going anywhere. Not by choice, at least. They will validate me as much as I need to help me learn to believe in myself. Their validation is real, and their critique is never mean-spirited. We have had the best laugh at one of my mistakes, and now I know they are the real deal. They are helping me serve my talent-not a master like I have been doing my whole life. Serving a master is never enough. I am not serving their agenda. This is a huge shift in my thinking. I need to hear my professors this way too, because they are doing the same thing.

I was talking to one of my mentors about grading. We believe we should also grade the faithfulness of the work, not just outstanding talent. There are some people who can whip out amazing work with little effort because they are super creative, and we are grateful. Their work is needed and inspiring. But there is also work that doesn’t come easy. I am good at school because I work really hard. It is one place that I know I am pretty good, but it did not, and does not, come easy. I have to study my ass off. I put hours into all of my homework assignments; I always have. Things do not come easily or naturally to me. I have to reflect on it for a really long time. This may be my fear doing this too, though. I am afraid to look foolish or uninformed, and that may stem from my trauma. When I worked in oil and gas, it was a beating. There are things I look back on now that I knew instinctively, and they dismissed me. Then I was blamed later for not finding it sooner. I thought I wasn’t enough because I wasn’t working hard enough to please them. We were even shamed for wanting to leave at 5 PM to go home. I had my limits, and 5 PM was one of them. I would stay later to close the books, but I wasn’t staying just to prove I was worthy when work was done. There is a whole book that I could write about this. I wish I would have known what Michael Tubbs said below when I was in my twenties:

I am grateful for this opportunity to learn about trauma and heal. It is not just American history we need to go back and revisit. We need to do our own history too. I highly recommend a therapist. But a good one. I have several names I can share that I trust with my whole heart if anyone is interested. Healing is brave work. We are a traumatized nation. When we know we are loved just because of who we are, we won’t feel the need to hang on so tightly anymore-approval or mammon. We trust love will hold us. God (love) is here, and she isn’t going anywhere.

I have had to let go because I had no choice, and while it hurt like hell, it freed me when I finally let go. I found my people and seminary now; I would not have otherwise. Now I am not having to let people go, but I can cling a little less tightly because they aren’t going anywhere. This is truly life-changing, and the best gift I have ever received.

Last night, July 29, 2020, I posted this on Facebook:

I went from conservative Christianity-to burn-it-all-down-to Open Table-to there are rules, but not like that. I’m questioning Open Table theology, but not based on ideology; it’s abuser/abused sharing a table-I’m not for it. Melissa Florer-Bixler wrote this (and this seems appropriate considering a video that went viral recently (demon sex, you’d think that subject would be more fun)):

I’m thinking about how rarely we talk about Satan entering Judas as soon as he takes the bread at the Last Supper. Ponder.

We should ponder this. And my mind is creating a blog post to respond, because I surprisingly have thoughts. Also, Mike Tyson was recently on Jimmy Fallon. John Crist, a serial abuser is back. I have thoughts. And I’m going to write them. Tomorrow.

So here I am today, true to my word, to respond to this thought-provoking tweet by Melissa Florer-Bixler. I have written posts trying to redeem Judas, and I will stand by that it isn’t all his fault for the death of Jesus, but my defense of him is waning. Yes, he tried to take it back. People could have made different decisions when he decided the 30 pieces of silver wasn’t worth the cost. We do not know his motivation for the betrayal; every gospel portrays him differently, especially John. And John is the gospel I am going to use to make my argument that in America we allow known abusers in our midst, and listen to their so-called confessions of guilt, and we let them right back in. And victims see their abusers celebrated again. The life of victims rarely matter to us. Even in the Bible we read right over the abuse of women, and talk about the experience of the men instead. Or if we do talk about women, we talk about their questionable past, and not the society they lived in making them vulnerable. Today, we make victims feel terrible for not wanting to forgive. We dig through their past to see why they probably deserved it. It is traumatizing, to say the least. Why would any victim come forward in America? Our first thought is to not believe them. Then when we have to believe them, we dig up their past to make justifications to let the abuser go free.

I want to address forgiveness for a minute. Christians are notorious for using cheap grace through the act of “forgiveness”. Jesus on the cross, in the gospel of Luke, speaks to me in a different way today. He is asking God to forgive the ones betraying him. He did not say: I forgive you. This lens takes a huge weight off of my shoulders. When I experienced so much betrayal at once, I was trying to forgive everyone–and heal myself at the same time. I searched myself to find reasons I deserved this treatment, because I have to be guilty too. “Both sides”. I hate that phrase now, because it is used to silence victims. I could not forgive them. My pastor at the time was so good to me in this moment-he told me this: You don’t have to forgive them. Jesus can carry that burden. Take care of yourself.

No one has ever told me that before, and I will never forget it. Since then, I have learned that the Jewish tradition has a much better grasp of repentance and forgiveness than Christians do. Forgiveness from God and forgiveness from the one offended are two separate processes. The one offended does not have to forgive the one who harmed them. It is a good idea to forgive to cut themselves off from the betrayal, but it doesn’t mean they have to be friends or on good terms again. Restoration to the community doesn’t have to happen (and should not!) where the victim belongs. Healing can happen elsewhere. And some offenses have lifelong consequences. You lose the position you once had because you betrayed the community. Healing will look like something other than what you once did.

Back to the gospel of John. This gospel is different from all the others. This is why it is not considered a synoptic gospel. Matthew, Mark and Luke share similar stories even though they are told differently. It is interesting to compare them. Now I know when we talk about Jesus we need to cite which version of Jesus we are using. The only thing the gospels agree completely on is that it is Jesus of Nazareth, and that he died and was resurrected. Oh, and the women were the ones PREACHING the resurrection. John has distinct material, and I love it because it is the most personal gospel. It is weird that this gospel is used to justify Gnosticism when right at the beginning of the gospel it talks about the Word became flesh and lived among us (John 1:14). Our humanity matters to God. God became a human. Jesus is Lady Wisdom personified. I have more to say regarding this statement another time using Queer theology, but I will save that for another post.

In the gospel of John, it is clear Jesus knew who his betrayer was and gave him the bread-and Satan entered Judas. John has a very different take on Judas than all the other gospels. John said what he said, and I think it is important to let it sit with us and wonder why. I told my mentor, Rev. Dr. Jaime Clark-Soles-who is a Johannine scholar, that I love the gospel of John, but I don’t understand what he is doing. She said that is a good description. My exegesis paper in New Testament first semester, I was told I wrote a great paper with original thought, but I did not do much with John. I could have said more about Judas. I am going to attempt to do that now in this blog post by what I am noticing in our society today. John has strong feelings about who Judas was as a person, and this is more significant than I knew when I wrote the paper.

In John 12, when Mary anoints Jesus, it is Judas who is upset. He is the one (not some people, not the disciples) who thinks she wasted, and the money earned from the oil could have been given to the poor. John says Judas did not care about the poor. He was a thief and stole from their common purse that he was in charge of keeping. The Bible doesn’t give us lots of details on many situations, so when we get a direct statement, it matters.

This story is speaking to me now. I am seeing abusers being restored to the community in the same capacity they were in before, and I don’t understand it. I have some examples of Judas stories that might shed light on what we are doing. We are settling for thirty pieces of silver.

Mike Tyson is where I am going to start, because his story goes back to my youth and what I heard when it comes to rape of women. In 1991 he raped eighteen year old Desiree Washington-Miss Black Rhode Island. He invited her up to his room, and he raped her. You know what I heard from the public around me about this: she should have known better than to go to his room. Do we hear ourselves? She was eighteen. She was the vulnerable one. She was raped by someone with way more power than she had, and the public blamed her. His ex-wife, Robin Givens, also said she was abused by him. Then we have Clarence Thomas, Bill Cosby and OJ Simpson. Power let these men off the hook. And black women suffer and we don’t hear their cries. Mike Tyson was on the Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon on July 27, 2020 talking about fighting again. They were laughing together. I had to turn it off. This man has raped and abused women, and he has bitten a chunk of Evander Holyfield’s ear off. Why the hell does he get to be on the Tonight Show, and return to fighting?

Now lets talk about John Crist, Brett Kavanaugh, Donald Trump, and all the Catholic and SBC pastors (not just these two denoms, but they are large and in the spotlight) that get away with abuse. John Crist is a serial abuser. His platform was built off of making fun of women, and too many of us-myself included-laughed. Turns out building a career that way also leads to abuse of women, and he did. Now, not even a year later, he is back trying to do the same damn thing, but differently. His non-apology was all about him; zero apology to women.

Brett Kavanaugh. I knew that man’s voice, as I did Donald Trump’s voice. These are the men that have abused me my whole life (not literally them). I cried. I was dismissed. Trump is President and Kavanaugh got a Supreme Court seat, and gets to make decisions for women. So does Clarence Thomas. I engaged a friend about Kavanaugh because he was saying foolish things about the abuse of women. I told them flat out about my own abuse, and I was met with silence. Then another man came in and told the friend I was challenging that his daughter would never be abused because he is raising her with morals. And my friend liked that comment. Oh my God! Too many people think women get abused because we have no morals. Even Jake could not contain his anger on that remark and engaged. Very rare for my very patient enneagram nine partner. I am so grateful for him. He is so good to me and to all of humanity. He is everything a person should be-no gender requirement to be the kind of person my partner is.

Now all of the pastors who have abused women and children with no justice. And some are restored to the community with applause. Women and children are not protected by their own faith communities far too often. And their faith community abuses them again spiritually with their applause the abuser who says they are sorry and want to do the right thing now. Got to forgive and forget they say.

I seriously do not understand people’s obsession with police. I have friends who are police, and I appreciate all they do. I also appreciate they know the system is broken and want a new way of doing their job. Very few of us are truly protected. There is still no justice for Breonna Taylor, who was killed for just sleeping while black. I hope I am highlighting clearly enough that BIPOC suffer the most from all of this, but all women, children and men suffer, and we should join our voices together. Patriarchy harms all of us. It is not a suffering contest. Black women have been telling us this for years, and their history got erased by both white women and black men. They are victims of racism and misogyny. Also, black transgender women are the reason we had the Stonewall Riots and the beginnings of LGBTQ+ rights movement, but black trans women are not benefitting in the same capacity from the movement they started. Black women are not benefitting in the same capacity for women’s suffrage movement they helped start-along with feminism; civil rights movement-men got the mic. You know who is addressing this? Trevor Noah. He is reading the room, and not putting abusers on his show. He is instead re-telling black women’s history to help get their stories back into our history we erased from the books. We are more comfortable presenting it as a white movement, or we listen to men instead of women because history on oppressing women goes back to the beginning of time. We have denied our Mother God, and it shows.

I was triggered last night seeing Mike Tyson. Then I read a thread on John Crist. Then I read a thread on Christopher Heuertz. I know I need to protect my mental health, because my body feels this as strongly as my memories do, and it is affecting my physical health. This is why I will no longer advocate for an open table. The gospel of John seems to agree. John is making it clear Judas should not have been trusted, and it got Jesus killed. It is not all of his fault, but it did not help.

I will end with this: We need to stop saying everyone killed Jesus, and that he died alone and abandoned. He did not. The women are clearly portrayed in the gospel of John crying out by his side the whole time. Jesus died crying for his- MOTHER.

I have a gymnastics book that is pretty much exclusively Team USA, very little of me. I remember showing my step mom, Kathy, this book I worked so hard on- her response: That is a lot of work on a book about other people. At the time I thought little of her comment-but maybe I heard more than I knew, because I remember it, and now in therapy it is revealing I am still doing this in my life today. I will not place myself in the story too.

Today, I am going to focus on this girl. She didn’t have a chance to thrive and enjoy gymnastics. She wasn’t what USA Gymnastics would consider a “winner”. There are parts I dearly love about gymnastics, don’t get me wrong, but the story didn’t go how it should, and it is a pandemic in all youth sports. We love winners at the expense of everyone else. We miss the diamonds in the pursuit of immediate gratification, because we have the wrong view of success. What if we just enjoyed the journey without a care about the damn outcome? What would that be like? What if cruelty is actually as bad as it sounds – even if we are deceived by “winners”?

It is interesting this picture is of me on the beam. My memory with my therapist was a traumatic experience for me on the beam in practice. I shared with my closest friends what happened, and right now, I want to keep it with them, because they are walking through the fire of healing with me. But it was a moment that I was too young to endure and know I am worthy of love even if I make mistakes, and can’t be on every day. I don’t think adults should have to endure that treatment either. And as an adult, I am not with people treating me like this; I’ll write about that in my next post. I am listening to Kenny Rogers song “Love Will Turn you Around” – I have a story about this too, but first, the pain.

Gymnastics was about perfection. My first competition I was actually proud of myself to begin with; one moment burst the joy. I got an 8.5 on the floor, and it was my first event, and Shannon Miller’s mom was one of my judges-what a moment of winning for me! That is a high score at the lower level, and for a first meet! I felt good about myself in that moment-a new feeling. I also got an 8.1 on bars. Really good. I remember all of this clearly, because I did not write one of my scores down to remember later; they are burned in my memory. I have more to say about this in a moment. But I remember something else, and it dashed this joy. A child from Shannon Miller’s Dynamo gym asked their coach if they did well on beam, and the response is awful. The coach asked the child if she stuck her routine. The child said no, and the coach said: then I can’t say you did a good job. I did not stick my routine either, and I got a terrible 6.5 on beam. That dashed the joy I felt from bars and floor, and I let it define the meet for me. I did not really like vault, so I was less concerned with my score on vault, but I know it was in the 7s.  I got an overall score high enough to qualify to the next level after my first meet. I had a pretty good coach then, and she did try to encourage me with this news. But I was already devastated about beam. And the story gets worse.

The coaches I had to begin with were pretty good. There are things I could pinpoint that were pretty awful, like going after me for my weight. But they were trying to keep gymnastics less about winning, and more about improving. But Dynamo Gymnastics was here, and Shannon Miller a national treasure-what do you think happens to a gym only 30 minutes away, and owned by an Olympian? I don’t think I have to write this story. The pain in my face can tell you.

So much happened after my first meet in such a short amount of time to take me out of the sport. It is funny that people think life is moving fast now, because they didn’t see how quickly winning destroyed me, and the hopes I had for a future in gymnastics. I loved this sport, and I worked hard, but it did not value me because I did not love it at seven – I loved it at eleven. And I had no idea until I wrote this post that is 7-Eleven. Ha! God is so funny. She makes me laugh even when I am mad.

Add this to the fact I believed I had to get my beliefs right or I would not go to Heaven. How was I supposed to know I could live life and make mistakes? My therapist is trying so hard, and is helping me comfort my younger self that hurt so much, to make me say I am making good decisions now. They don’t have to be about getting it right, but they are making me safe. I did not end up in my church, seminary, or have a safe social media presence because of magic. I made decisions to make my life safer, and I am opening this door for anyone who wants to enter. But I can’t make people come to the life-giving water. But I can’t say I did not give a voice of hope. Losing is not the worst thing. It might, and probably is, the best thing that could ever happen.

I will post a few photos from my album, but it isn’t about them anymore. I am telling my story now. I belong in this story too. Was this picture of Kerri Strug really Guts, Glory, Gold? Or was this child abuse? She tore two ligaments, in addition to already competing on a severe injury the whole time, on the first vault. Karolyi told her she could do it on the next vault. She was so hurt on the second vault, and Larry Nassar, the sexual abuser sports doctor, is one of the people holding her-along with Karolyi. And we applauded. There is a picture of me so proud of Bart and Nadia-my neighbors- reopening the gym as Bart Conner’s Academy. I was so proud of them. They weren’t proud of me. 1991-1996 Gymnastics Collection: Lindsay’s collection. Was this Lindsay’s collection?

I meant to talk about my scores. I received a few medals and ribbons for my work, but I didn’t keep them. The story told to me is they were worthless, so I didn’t keep them. I held up everyone else, and erased myself.